I'm not sure what specifically has happened, but this past week I have felt, and so has H distant from my H. We are fighting (and not over the A) we seem to not even be friends, and he says this too. Sex? Dont even have any interest.

Last night, after working all day, he at home with the kids, the house was a distaster and I had to start supper (it was late and nothing was being prepared). We started arguing, and he started to cry and said "ya know, I think we are through, you dont care about what you did last year, I dont feel the love we once had anymore etc".

I told him I do feel "numb" , no tears, no nothing. It's odd. Yet I know I never want our family apart. I KNOW this is the LAST thing he would want happen as well. I told him after confessing the A that we needed counselling, he brought home pamphlets from work, but never acted on it, or scheduled any appt's because he never wanted to really go.

I am equally as guilty for not scheduling any etiher.

My question...what to do from here?

Advice please?

I feel like we are hopeless even though I never want to be apart or D'd.

Sally..

Sally Honey.
Maybe this will work out GOOD and be YOUR wake-up call in what you may lose if you go on in your FOG of missing the OM and not giving your husband ALL of you; mind and body .

Just think how much you will miss your husband if he is gone from your life, no longer there in your home.

Believe me, I know.
I will post about that in a new topic.
Sincerely, Rachel

I haven't read all of your posts, although I have read some of them, so forgive me if there is something I say which isn't appropriate. But I don't think that just because he said this means that you are through, or he is through.

First off, you are still going through withdrawal - that's why you don't feel anything for your H right now - you are both in the long, hard slog, trying to climb your way back up the mountain of indifference. This is a hard road, but it can be done, and there is no reason why you and your H cannot recover your love for each other in a way that you don't even dream of right now. So first off, I would say, stop making judgements about the recovery of your marriage on how YOU feel. Relying on your feelings as a basis for whether or not you should go forward with the work it takes to be committed is what got you into trouble in the first place. Don't be willing to jump ship whenever you think its not going the way it "should", in other words.

Second - your H broke down and cried in front of you, and he told you exactly why. He said - "I don't think you care about what you did". Your H is telling you that from where he is standing, it looks like you are not at all remorseful about what you did, and if that is so, then from his perspective, you don't care that he was hurt. If you don't care that he was hurt by what you did, how can he go on with you?

A man does not cry unless he is hurting and hurting bad. I don't think you made any reference to his pain in your post, but I'm not looking at it right now while I post this. So, I would ask you some questions, and I mean this to try to help you uncover your own feelings, Sally -

How do you feel when you see your H crying?
WHAT do you feel FOR HIM when you see him crying?

I hope these two questions help you to uncover something for you, because it still doesn't seem to me that you have much sympathy or feeling for him.

That leads on to my next point. What was your response to him crying and telling you very clearly what was hurting him so bad?

You criticized him and blamed him - you said that when you first confessed the A, you asked him to go to counselling with you but he didn't seem to be interested and that hasn't happened yet. Obviously, you feel this would be helpful to both of you, and I agree that it might help. But this response of yours is symptomatic of what is wrong in your marriage - instead of listening to him and acknowledging him for telling you clearly what was bothering him and by implication, what he needs from you in order to even BEGIN recovery, you dumped the whole mess back on to his head and made it his fault for your recovery being a mess.

He wants and needs to know that you are sorry for the A, not because it screwed up YOUR life, but because of what it did to HIM. And if he isn't getting that message because you don't honestly feel it, he is saying, how can he go forward?

I believe you when you say that you don't want a D, and that you want to go forward with him. But again, are you focusing here too much on what YOU want, with little regard for his feelings?

I would say, look for the good things in your H, the little things. And then let him know the specific things that you admire about him, and the specific reasons why you want to go forward. Look for one good thing he does every day that you admire and then compliment him on it - don't keep your thoughts about that to yourself. He needs to know what it is you actually like and admire about him. Also, say thank you every single time he does something, like take out the trash or wash the dishes or put the kids to bed. A man who is not "helping" is not helping because he doesn't feel appreciated when he does do these things. From reading your other posts, I know this has been a big issue for you, as it is for a lot of women. But you cannot just crack the whip and expect a man to jump - he will only "help" if he is getting appreciation for it. So you have to start with you - YOU have to change first, if you want him to change.

I think he is at the place where he is losing hope, and what you need to do is find ways to give him hope.

Hope this helps.

LIR

<small>[ January 25, 2004, 11:33 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Oops - double post!

<small>[ January 25, 2004, 11:30 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Originally posted by sally2003:
We are fighting (and not over the A)

Believe me, this is about the A..... even if the fights are "about" something else.

we seem to not even be friends, and he says this too.

Friendship involves trust. Do you trust him? Does he trust you?

Sex? Dont even have any interest

And why is that?.

Last night, after working all day, he at home with the kids, the house was a distaster and I had to start supper (it was late and nothing was being prepared). We started arguing, and he started to cry and said "ya know, I think we are through, you dont care about what you did last year, I dont feel the love we once had anymore etc".

I'm going to be real with you .... and it's going to feel harsh .... but any soft reply might not be powerful enough to get you awake!

WAKE UP!!!!!!


"You don't care about what you did last year."

..... well, do you care?

Do you care in the sense that you still wonder if OM was your "true love"?

Or do you still care in the sense that "I can never be that stupid and selfish ever again?

I told him I do feel "numb" , no tears, no nothing.

And how do you imagine that message was interpreted by your husband?

Here's a hint:

1. WW feels "numb" with me.
2. WW felt "alive" with OM.
3. I am a loser who cannot please his wife.

Nice work on your part to throw this man some hope. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ..... sorry, I feel sarcastic here.

Would you be this cold if one of YOUR children were hurting and frightened?

This man is your FAMILY .... and he is falling apart .... and you are too numb to reach out to him!!!!

It's odd.

No, it's cruel and selfish.

Yet I know I never want our family apart.

So far, what huge effort are you making to insure the opposite outcome?

I KNOW this is the LAST thing he would want happen as well.

Well .... goodie. You know this man wants to keep his family intact .... and this knowledge leaves YOU feeling "numb". That's not good enough for you to have feelings????

I told him after confessing the A that we needed counselling, he brought home pamphlets from work, but never acted on it, or scheduled any appt's because he never wanted to really go.

HE brough home pamphlets. This was a way to see how committed YOU were to making the move!

I am equally as guilty for not scheduling any etiher.

More than equally, I'd say.

My question...what to do from here?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself #1. I can "feel" your self-pity oozing from the computer screen.

Poor you.

Advice please?

At last! I get to give advice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Your feelings will stay numb as long as YOU let them.

YOU are 100% responsible for DOING something that will lift yourself out of this silly, selfish, wallowing in your own misery habit.

Call Harley's and schedule an appointment. The longer you wait, the more damage is done.

I feel like we are hopeless even though I never want to be apart or D'd.

Wallow wallow wallow.....

Grab yourself and give yourself a good shaking!

Nothing changes until YOU change yourself.

Imagine how it looks and feels for YOUR betrayed husband .... " wife has returned to the marriage only to wallow in her miserable circumstances because she has no feeling for me!

Well .... if my post makes you angry .... good! At least that might

WAKE YOU UP

You have responsibilities as a FWW who wants to stay married.....

What are they? .... If you don't know, call the Harley's.

Pep

Sally, well Pep's post was a good wake up one - for me too - I actually woke up "wallowing" this morning and was going to gripe to you guys, but not after reading that!! (Thanks, Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

Has your H read SAA? I agree with what Pep says, but I also think your H needs to know the how's and why's of an A, and also about the withdrawal stage. Have you talked to him about your feelings? About how you know what you did was wrong, even though you don't feel it? I haven't talked to H about the A a lot - I don't think he wants to hear it - but what I have talked a lot about were my feelings leading up to, during, and after the A. I have told him that even though I was totally depressed because I wouldn't get that high anymore, I was really trying to figure out how to be more in love with him. I also wrote him a letter.

What I put in the letter was that even though I felt I could never love him like he loves me, I was sorry for the pain I caused him - he didn't bargain for that when he married me, and I guaranteed that I would never have contact again with the OM, and if I ever felt infatuated with another man, I would cut it off immediately and tell him. I was very honest about my feelings in the letter - I din't say I loved him, or flower it up, but also told him that I was actively working on making things better for us in the future. I didn't think a lot about the letter - I thought he would be upset because I was telling him that I didn't love him much yet, but instead, he cried and said that was the most beautiful thing he'd read! What he saw was that I was sorry and I was trying.

Your H needs to hear that even though things are far from perfect or happy, and even though you are still missing what OM did for you, you are actively trying to figure things out and make the M work. He deserves that from you.

BH's can only take so much distance from you before they crack. Like Pep said, why would he want to stay with you if everything is negative, and he feels like a big looser.

I wish you luck - It was almost like yesterday that I was in the same spot. It is a hard one, but you are the one that has to start the changes first - you are the one that stepped over the line - you are the one that has to try to right it.

Keep you chin up, and turn towards your H. (One tip: try looking him in the eyes for 10 seconds - you won't be able to do it, and it will really hurt you. Keep trying this a couple times a day until you can do it - it's a good indication of how your progress is going) If you try looking into their soul, you will see there pain, and when you know you are the one that caused it, it starts to hurt after a while - that will help you turn around slowly.

Felina

Why am I so scared I wont find those exciting feelings with my H?

I am not trying to make this all about me either....I am trying to find someway to feel for him again....to give him all that he deserves...Im sorry but it isnt as easy as just "doing" it. If it were, I would have done it by now.

I will try your suggestion Felina..perhaps write him a letter...he seems to have the feeling that even when I send nice emails etc, that the old me is gone.

I went home at lunch today (I am at work) to see him and the girls...he was looking at a picture of me when I was pregnant 7 years ago...he looked solemn....she said he will never see that sweet "girl" again.

He isnt just referring to the A, but the freedom that comes with finally feeling good about how I looked after 3 kids, to dress nicely and do my hair my makeup etc....its the whole thing. Not just the A. Me "being" a new person. I think it scares him. Pre-A he was fiercely posessive of me...if anyone did a double take he woudl make a comment to them and it was out loud, obvious. Embarassing at times.

I dont know if he is ever going to be happy with me being me now. He was insecure (with himself I mean) prior to the A...moreso since I started 'working" on myself, and even more after the A.

I dont know if I can fix that part for him.

This is very hard to figure out because I KNOW I want us together forever, and yet I just dont FEEL right now. Ifeel for him, his suffering, and what I have done...I do. I bring up the A and he does not want to talk about it (whereas in the beg, he wanted to know EVERY single detail abotu the Om, to which I obliged).

I actually feel like he is starting to lose that spark for me as well.

I cannot just have sex with him because he deserves it....it would be for the wrong reason and only a bandaid solutionto the problem.

Thanks all,
S.

Originally posted by sally2003:
Why am I so scared I wont find those exciting feelings with my H?

I don't care if you are scared you won't "find" exciting feelings.

You are behaving poorly.

"Finding feelings" is possibly where you are going wrong.

You behave kindly, and lovingly toward your husband .... and those feelings will find you.

I am not trying to make this all about me either....I am trying to find someway to feel for him again....to give him all that he deserves...Im sorry but it isnt as easy as just "doing" it. If it were, I would have done it by now.

Oh really .... are you saying you have done everythingalready?

Love is when you behave lovingly while those "feelings" are not there.

If you love him, you put his well-being ahead of yours.

Have you done that? Consistently? Unselfishly, without expectation of "feelings"?

I went home at lunch today (I am at work) to see him and the girls...he was looking at a picture of me when I was pregnant 7 years ago...he looked solemn....she said he will never see that sweet "girl" again.

This is a part of the grieving process he is going through.

He isnt just referring to the A, but the freedom that comes with finally feeling good about how I looked after 3 kids, to dress nicely and do my hair my makeup etc....its the whole thing.

Did you ask him what was so sweet about the girl in the photo? or are you guessing?

Not just the A. Me "being" a new person. I think it scares him. Pre-A he was fiercely posessive of me...if anyone did a double take he woudl make a comment to them and it was out loud, obvious. Embarassing at times.

And now he knows in every fiber of his being that you are no longer his girl .... that you are numb to him.


I dont know if he is ever going to be happy with me being me now.

wallow wallow wallow ~~~~ This is about you, but you wrote this as if it were about your H.

Poor you.

He was insecure (with himself I mean) prior to the A...moreso since I started 'working" on myself, and even more after the A.

All men are insecure in one way or another. And less secure after being cuckholded, that's for sure.

I dont know if I can fix that part for him.

Fix what? How he feels about himself? Are you being serious?

How about you fix yourself first. Fix the part of your soul that is cold and callous toward him.

This is very hard to figure out because I KNOW I want us together forever, and yet I just dont FEEL right now.

So what? Why are your feelings more meaningful and important than your courage, your honor, your integrity, your gratitude and appreciation of the blessings you have within your own family?

You insult God (or whatever your higherpower is called) every time you turn away from the love and beauty available right within your own home.

Ifeel for him, his suffering, and what I have done...I do.

You feel WHAT EXACTLY "for him"? What feelings do you feel? Let's hear it.

I bring up the A and he does not want to talk about it (whereas in the beg, he wanted to know EVERY single detail abotu the Om, to which I obliged).

Are you aware of how depressed he might be?

I actually feel like he is starting to lose that spark for me as well.

Poor you. What a shame, you aren't getting sparks from your depressed and wounded husband.

I cannot just have sex with him because he deserves it....it would be for the wrong reason and only a bandaid solutionto the problem.

You cannot have sex with him because it might make him feel better?

Wow.... I am speachless with your lack of generosity, caring and understanding.....

Sexual bandaid might be better for your husband than a wife who cannot comfort him inn his grief and tears!

What ACTION are you planning to improve your marriage.

I do not care about your feelings right now.

I care about your family, your marriage, and the successful re-building of a loving relationship.... NOT your current wallowing.

I am harsh because you need a WAKE UP CALL!!!

WAKE UP and MAKE A PLAN....

Are you going to call the harley's?

Pep

(One tip: try looking him in the eyes for 10 seconds - you won't be able to do it, and it will really hurt you. Keep trying this a couple times a day until you can do it - it's a good indication of how your progress is going) If you try looking into their soul, you will see there pain, and when you know you are the one that caused it, it starts to hurt after a while - that will help you turn around slowly.

**Felina**

This suggestion is ~PURE GOLD~

This reminds me of the song from the Movie ~Chicago~

This song is:

"Mister Cellophane"

Thanks!

Pep

<small>[ January 25, 2004, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

I am not trying to make this all about me either....I am trying to find someway to feel for him again....to give him all that he deserves...Im sorry but it isnt as easy as just "doing" it. If it were, I would have done it by now.

It is exactly as easy as just doing it...I will bet you a million dollars that you would never ever argue with the OM over dishes in the sink...
and the house a disaster...

bet ya he got happy sweet pretty witty sally...
sally who sees him regardless of the environment and acts glad to see the om...
sally who would never be bothered by dishes..
oh don't worry about that OM...it's just toys and stuff...says sally to the oM...
I'm just glad to see you...and to know you are well...

so OM got all the good stuff..
hubby gets nothing he does, is doing, is good enough....

He was insecure (with himself I mean) prior to the A...moreso since I started 'working" on myself, and even more after the A.

basically you are saying you did all this work on me...
then had an affair
and for some strange reason he feels insecure??

do you blame him
do you expect him to feel any differently
do you do anything to alleviate his anxiety...

or do you come in the door roll your eyes at the mess and bang around in the kitchen...

I cannot just have sex with him because he deserves it....it would be for the wrong reason and only a bandaid solutionto the problem.

so what did other man do to deserve it?
can you defend that statement..

what does the wrong reason to have sex with your husband even mean...

sex is usually a males way of communicating their love and feelings of acceptedness...
(not to over generalize)or pigeon hole human sexuality...

but if you view sex as something he deserves or doesn't deserve how will that ever serve and nurture your marriage?

Did the otherman have to clean the house and cook dinner to deserve sex....

break it down sally
you are thinking and analyzing this way to much instead of seeing the person right in front of you in a lot of pain...

be honest about the energy emotionally and physically you spent of the OM...
thinking about him
thinking about seeing him...
thinking about telling him this or that
thinking thinking thinking...all about the OM..
how about you turn your thoughts back to your husband...
because ALL that you had with OM...
YOU created..
It's in YOU...
you did the work
you made it happen...

you viewed the OM differently than you view your husband..
you did that
and you do that..
now...

change your attitude and perspective on this...
shift the focus..
see the value in the man you married
see the value in the human soul of the man you married

ARK

Originally posted by sally2003:
Why am I so scared I wont find those exciting feelings with my H?

So in order for you to feel like this is a relationship you want to save, you have to feel (before it happens) that you have a guarantee that you will have "exciting" feelings with your H?

Honey, you are addicted to the thrill of someone "big and strong" beating down your door. That isn't love. That doesn't mean to say you can't, or won't again someday, have exciting feelings WITH your H. But not right now.

I am not trying to make this all about me either....I am trying to find someway to feel for him again....to give him all that he deserves...Im sorry but it isnt as easy as just "doing" it. If it were, I would have done it by now.
I have just told you how you find your feelings for him again - you look for one good thing every day, and then compliment him on it. Believe me, as a BS, I had NO feelings AT ALL left for my H after he lied to me the way he did. I had to rebuild ALL feeling for my H. And that is how I did it - by looking for one good thing every day. You know what? It worked. It was slow. But it helped us both. Do you think I wanted sex with him? No. Do you think I felt any love for him? No. Do you think I enjoyed having to live with him and try to take care of the kids every day? No. But paying him one compliment a day was an act of pure willpower and THAT was a loving ACTION, not some wishy-washy "exciting feeling". Such actions CREATE those feelings.

You don't want to do this kind of work and that's why your R is failing. You want the lightning bolt of attraction - well you went looking for it and now everyone in your life has been burned. I notice you don't mention your kids. Do you think your kids aren't being affected by this? My kids were, much as we tried to protect them - kids have radar for when their parents are not getting along. They hurt a lot more than you are aware of.

I will try your suggestion Felina..perhaps write him a letter...he seems to have the feeling that even when I send nice emails etc, that the old me is gone.

He is grieving. And he is right - the old you is gone. And she will never come back. I had to discover someone in my H that I could still love, but the H I loved and respected, that I thought I knew, will never be there again. You will have to show him a new you that he CAN love - first he has to grieve the loss of the woman he thought he knew.

I went home at lunch today (I am at work) to see him and the girls...he was looking at a picture of me when I was pregnant 7 years ago...he looked solemn....she said he will never see that sweet "girl" again.

He isnt just referring to the A, but the freedom that comes with finally feeling good about how I looked after 3 kids, to dress nicely and do my hair my makeup etc....its the whole thing. Not just the A. Me "being" a new person. I think it scares him. Pre-A he was fiercely posessive of me...if anyone did a double take he woudl make a comment to them and it was out loud, obvious. Embarassing at times.

I dont know if he is ever going to be happy with me being me now. He was insecure (with himself I mean) prior to the A...moreso since I started 'working" on myself, and even more after the A.

You're saying he doesn't like you since you went back to work? I bet he was proud of you - but you expected so much of him that you didn't even notice that. I know how it is to feel beaten down by the strain of having kids and feeling happy to look good again - but that's not a reason to run out and throw yourself into an affair.

I dont know if I can fix that part for him.
You can't and you shouldn't think you ought to be able to. You should think about fixing yourself.

This is very hard to figure out because I KNOW I want us together forever, and yet I just dont FEEL right now. Ifeel for him, his suffering, and what I have done...I do. I bring up the A and he does not want to talk about it (whereas in the beg, he wanted to know EVERY single detail abotu the Om, to which I obliged).

You don't feel because you don't want to feel any pain - you are numb because you are blocking out the pain. And you won't even begin to feel anything for your H until you start doing some real work at changing yourself, making amends and rebuilding your R.

I actually feel like he is starting to lose that spark for me as well.
Don't you think he might have lost it a long time ago?

I cannot just have sex with him because he deserves it....it would be for the wrong reason and only a bandaid solutionto the problem.
You don't want to have sex with him because you don't feel attracted to him - so you don't have sex with him because of how YOU feel. What about him? Men generally need sex in order to feel loved. If you aren't having sex with him because you don't feel anything for him, how do you expect him to feel? Have sex with him, Sally - give a little.

You really do seem to want something for nothing.

LIR

<small>[ January 25, 2004, 02:03 PM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Pep - I got the idea about looking into the eyes from an episode of Oprah that had Sting and his wife on it. They talked about their "tantric sex" and the first part was to sit and look into each others eyes for, I think it was 15 minutes or so. It kept there souls together, or something like that.

That night, I tried to look into H's eyes, because I realized I had been avoiding it - I used to gaze for ever into OM's eyes, and remember doing that with H in the beginning. I was stunned to find that I couldn't even hold eye contact with H for a couple seconds without looking away in shame!! It was the first time I had been ashamed of what I did, and that I wasn't really trying to fix it. H doesn't know that I do it as a "check up", but it sure does work. My gaze is gradually getting longer - still not 10 seconds yet - maybe 9 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
.
Felina

Hey Sally,

You've gotten some excellent advice and some justified 2x4's. Really, you don't have the feelings of love.

For 7 weeks Poe was depressed, and in withdraw. For me those 7 weeks were a living hell. I was trying to show my Love, show her my heart, working on changing. By the 7 week mark I was sliding into despair. I was depressed but felt I couldn't show it. I was hurting and in pain, yet Poe couldn't or wouldn't put any effort in our M. Sure I knew about the withdraw, and that it would take time. I wanted so much to help, but nothing I did seemed to. Also 7 weeks without sex, but I have a problem there to that only compounded how I felt.

You must choose to love your H, even if you don't feel it. He Chose to Love you, even when the pain was at it most intense. Your feelings will follow your actions.

You never did answer the two questions from Lady in Red
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> How do you feel when you see your H crying?
WHAT do you feel FOR HIM when you see him crying?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So what do you feel?

You do need to give your H some credit. He has put up with someone that spends all their time thinking about and mourning over OM.

Yes the pre-A problems still exist, but can you really say your doing your part?

Start trying to meet your H's EN's, even if you don't feel it. Love really is a choice, not a feeling.

Lady

Im sorry but some of youtes contain info that isnt correct.

I never said since I went back to work things changed...Ive never stopped working, here or outside of the house. I have a hard time understanding that my A makes it acceptable for my H to not help out as he should. THis was a PRE A problem.

Im sorry I disagree that when 2 people are SO distant and one of them leaves his lubricant by the computer because of his porn addiciton that I should comply to sex for the sake of "showing my love".

Whatever.

Some of the comments on this board are very helpful to me, some leave something to be desired.

S.

Sally

you are right...but you aren't doing anything to fix it...regardless of his actions...it has to start somewhere....

you lament the lack of counselling by blaming him...
you both need it..
go get it...

when people are so distant..someone has to take a step closer...
it has to start somewhere...
and sometimes starting somewhere is letting go of lots of things in the past..
and sometimes it's look at someone in a different light...

and sometimes its the most unexpected thing you can imagine...but it has to start somewhere...

and you are the one here posting..
so people can only tell you to start...

if your husband was here...it would be no different....

I'm sure you feel picked on..I'm sure I would feel the same..
but you got young children who deserve an intact family...
and it takes somebody starting somewhere..
anywhere...

ARK

Sally

I've talked to you for several months and have tried to get you to let go of this fantasy and stop justifying your awful behavior.

You seem to want to distroy your marriage and what self esteem you have left after the affair. Maybe you should contact OM and play out this distructive behavior. Maybe after you have distroyed two families you will begin feel for somebody other than your self. Maybe after OM dumps you that you will begin to understand on an emotional level what pain and grief actually feels like. Oh, I know your fantasy tells you that OM would never dump you but just look at the statistics.

Marriage is not about being happy. It's about being married. Love is a verb and requires action which you seem to be in short supply of. Commitment is a decision not to be withdrawn when
things get bumpy.

Sadly, I don't believe you are capable of doing more than complain.

Beau

Originally posted by sally2003:
I have a hard time understanding that my A makes it acceptable for my H to not help out as he should.

Are you interested in saving your marriage, or not?

How does the above statement make an investment in the future of your marriage?

Which is more important to you anyway?


~Marriage Recovery

or


~YOUR feelings

Pep

[QUOTE]Originally posted by sally2003:
<strong> Lady

Im sorry but some of youtes contain info that isnt correct.

I never said since I went back to work things changed...Ive never stopped working, here or outside of the house. I have a hard time understanding that my A makes it acceptable for my H to not help out as he should. THis was a PRE A problem.</strong>

I understand this - I've read your other posts where you expressed your anger and frustration over him not helping out with the housework and the meals - I do remember you saying that you work nights and your H works days. I NEVER said that your A made it acceptable for your H not to help out. So re-read my post. What I am trying to communicate to you is that YOUR attitude towards him regarding this problem is contributing to the breakdown of your marriage. Other posters have said the same to you on your other threads. You were full of resentment and anger about this issue before the A, and now that anger is compounded by your defensiveness about the A. You seem unwilling to look at your own attitude in this. I am saying that YOU have to change YOUR attitude in order for this problem to get any better. I agree that he should do more, and an equal share, but as I said before, your attitude, expressed on a previous thread that he should just get off his a** and DO IT, quite frankly STINKS!


Im sorry I disagree that when 2 people are SO distant and one of them leaves his lubricant by the computer because of his porn addiciton that I should comply to sex for the sake of "showing my love".
I didn't say you should "show your love" by having sex with him. I said you should try meeting his EN for sex, even if you don't FEEL like it. There's a big difference. And you didn't happen to mention that little detail about finding his lubricant by the computer in your first post. So he has a problem with porn on the net? Is that another reason for your anger and resentment? Have you talked to him about this? I seem to recall you mentioning that your H and you talked about a 3-way with another woman, and you tried it 3 times. The first time he left the room because he found it too upsetting, but you and the OW carried on without him. Am I right? Or have I got this all wrong? If I have, I'm sorry. But you cannot take a holier-than-thou attitude towards him when your own motives and actions are so ambiguous yourself.

Whatever.

Some of the comments on this board are very helpful to me, some leave something to be desired
I can understand why you are upset - but you know, I think I have spoken to you respectfully, with a genuine intention of trying to give you concrete ideas and methods of moving you out of the Hell you are in. I have lived with the same kind of anger and resentment you feel right now about your H and his "helping", and I have moved into a much better place because I changed myself. When I changed myself, he changed. I am encouraging you to try something you haven't tried before.

Your response is quite frankly, rude.

Whatever.

LIR

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 06:41 AM: Message edited by: Lady_In_Red ]</small>

Sally,
I read your first post on this thread yesterday, and have been thinking back over my experience to see if I could offer any comments that might help your situation.

First, I have read (or skimmed ) the comments from others....some really good stuff there. I know how you feel that maybe you are being 'misunderstood' here....I felt that way too often, but all in all the postings here (some of which I didn't think were too helpful at the time) helped me come out of the fog. It is alot to soak in all at once...so give it a few days, and I think you will see that most of those here WANT to help. Otherwise, why would they spend all this time writing to someone they don't know?

I hope that today finds things better at your house. One thing I have learned this past year is that one day can make LOTS of difference.

Your husband is reacting very much like mine did. I had to decide this time last year if I wanted to commit and change things or not. I chose to TOTALLY committ to the marriage and I can assure you it was the best decision I ever made. When your husband says things like that, try to just hug him and let him know that you WANT to work on the marriage. I would imagine that he is begging for some reassurance from you that you are willing to try.

Another thing that stands out in my mind from this time last year is that someone on this board reminded me that 'feelings' come and go. I have found this to be true. Daily pressures come up, and you won't always "feel" on top of the world and head over heels in love with your husband (or anyone else for that matter). This helped me get through days when I wondered if staying married to him was the right thing.

Also, I learned that love is an action word...something I really had never thought of before. I have found this to be true. The more ACTION I put behind the words, the more love I feel for him, and the more he shows his love for me.

About the SF....I was really worried about this too. We didn't resume our sex life together for 2 and 1/2 months after d-day....and there were times after that that I didn't feel too responsive. All I can tell you is this....it has gotten much better as time goes on. We are working hard to meet each others ENs....and that has helped turn it around for us. I really think this is essential--so make sure he 'knows' what your needs are. But tell him in a loving non-confrontational way that you would like it if he....(what ever it is you want him to do)

As for the counseling, call for the appointment yourself. Most men are not just jumping up and down to go to counseling. We didn't go...and I regret it. I wanted to at first, but left it entirely up to him to set it up, and guess what, it didn't get done. I should have stepped up and set up the appointment--I wish I had. Another thing...get the books and read them if you haven't already (SAA & HNHN) They helped so much (especially since we didn't go to counseling)

Please keep posting...and reading what others are telling you. I know some of it is hard to accept and hear, but you are getting some good advice here. Hang in there, you are at least trying by reading here, and posting your feelings. Don't stop doing that even though you may not like what some are trying to tell you.....remember they want to see your marriage survive. Diane

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 08:09 AM: Message edited by: diane1223 ]</small>

Another thing...have you told him about this message board? He would probably get lots of help here from other men who have been through what he is going through. Just a thought. Diane