Sally,
You wrote:
"He came home for an hour and never kissed me, I never kissed him eiter..."

Kiss him first girlfriend!!!! He will love it.
Think about what makes you want sex....for me it is feeling loved, appreciated and desirable. If he starts being more affectionate to you, you may start felling more desirable, which may make you want sex.

Often I'm not into it in the beginning, but usually am able to get into it. Tell him what turns you on....for lots of women, it's the kisses, hugs, and talking! The foreplay is important for most of us!

I read somewhere that many women have to 'coach' their husbands into being affectionate, etc. May have been this web site. Sure wish I hadn't waited so long, because things are so much better since I made the changes I made. (But do it (coaching) in a gentle non demanding way! He has followed right along-much to my surprise I might add! He has been a quick learner! LOL
Good luck, Diane

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 04:27 PM: Message edited by: diane1223 ]</small>

Diane;
I am realy going to start being more PRO ACTIVE when it comes to displaying affection. Thanks.

I really felt great tonight...as I lay down for a nap before night shift tonight, H came and lay with me...he started conversing with me, just about life, my day etc. More then he really ever has...lately anyhow.

We discussed the sexual aspect, or lack thereof. he says he notices I am withdrawln...he didn't get angry but wanted to know why? Something he did or didnt do? I told him I need to feel more connected emotionally to have sex and makeit "real"

He went on to tell me that he wasn't meeting my EN's and thats why I had the A....he said to me that our sex life was great (and it was). He said he needed to fufill my EN's better so that I will want to be with him intiamtely--SO STRANGE! he got all this from this site he has been reading (MARRIAGE BUILDERS). I still havent told him I frequent this site. It was so amazing to seet hat he has actaully realized that we he needed to do something, learn something to fix our M.

It was really inspiring for me.

Thanks Diane,
Sally.

Sally

Isn't it amazing.

Also, talking to him about the how your feeling did help didn't it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Keep those lines of communications open. You've just received a nice gift. Actually seeing that your H knows that he wasn't meeting your EN's. Maybe the two of you can fill out the Emotional Needs Questionaire. That could help pin point those needs. Of course he might just find them on his own. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sally its good to hear that your becoming more pro active.

Can you now see the hope for your M. It will be better now that both of you are trying to and learning how to meet each others EN's.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sally, I am happy to hear that H found this site. Sounds like he absorbed a lot of it! It is nice when both people are on the same page. You will probably be pleasantly surprised some of the little things he will change to better meet your needs. It sounds like he got "awakened" to what you and the M is going through. Happy to hear that he is aware you are still in withdrawal, and some reasons for the A. That awareness on his part should help him support you through everything. At least that is what I found with my H.

I noticed a while ago that we were both 30 - wondering how close our b-days are - mine is May 6. My kids are 1 1/2 yr old D, and 3 1/2 yr old son. I still can't beleive how busy they keep you!!!! We have a nanny now, so I can go to work with H - she cleans the house a bit, and cooks a great dinner (she's just here the 4 days we work) As it turns out, me helping H at work is making us a lot more $ so I think we will keep her and I will keep working. Also, I didn't realize how much chaos and stress I was going through being with the kids 24/7. I am feeling much better as a woman/mom/wife now that I am not with them all the time!!

Sounds like you have hope for good SF in the future. I like Diane's ideas. I still can't believe that for me I will ever have the SF that I crave - mostly because of H's age. We will see once his leg is better, but I don't give it too much hope. My A was mostly because of this - I was doing my own little experiment to see if I could stay with H in an amicable co-parent M, and get the SF elsewhere. There were just too many consequences that I did not forsee - after the pain of ending the A, I would rather be creative as to how to deal with my craving, and stay with H. The M is so much more than just SF. I guess for me, it's a matter of perspective.

Good luck Sally, keep up the good work.

Liza

Hey guys;

Silver, it was nice...I guess I get scared that we will "revert". Then I will start to fall back into the old mode of thinking.

One thing I want to tell H is that I am suffering and was REALLY suffering when I initiated the NC...and since then, maintaining it. I am not sure he is ready to hear that.

Felina, haha you are older then me! I turn 31 June 14th! Turning 30 really was hard...i was in the midst of the affair at that point.

I really wish I could erase OM from my head because I really dont want him there....I DO want to be successful at being a good wife, and good person...its just so hard.

Felina....for me it wasnt about the sex...we were intimate just 2 times...it was mainly the conversation so it was opposite for me.

Well guys, off to work.

Will check back tomorrow.

Sally.

Sally

Affairs are wake up calls. Your husband answered the call now its your turn.

You said you are so scared he will revert....guess what he is scared of? Yeah you know what it is. Which is scarier to deal with him become less emotionally attentive or you having another affair?

See how unfair the fears are?

Another thing he can't revert if you don't let him. Why do you assume you have no control on how closely connected you two are?

If he is distant then pull him closer. Rent a movie and kill the lights and cuddle in his arms. Take him for a walk. Fixed a drink on the back porch and rock in the rocking chairs as the sun sets.

In other words create situations where you two can be intimate.

Don't long for something make it happen.

Before you know movies and drinks on the back porch will be replaced with bubbly in the jacuzzi tub with nothing but candlelight.

But I want to stress something he is as equal or even more scared of you than the other way around. While it sucks for a mate to be emotionally distant its no comparison to the pain of them having an affair.

Its YOUR marriage, its YOUR happiness, its YOUR life...so get off your kiester and take care of YOUR business! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sally,
I'm at work and just read the updates on your thread. I'm so happy for you that things are improving.

You are so right about it not being the sex with OM....for me it was the conversation too...we got really close through the aol IM, and with the computer between us we talked about things we had no business talking about. I literally CRAVED those conversations, and would spend hours talking to him after my husband would go to bed. So I know how you feel.

Don't be discouraged if and when your husband takes a couple of steps back....that will happen more than likely, but I think you are on the road to recovery. Just be honest with him--I would tell my husband I didn't want us to go back like we were. I never could bring myself to tell him how I missed the OM. More than likely he knew, or wondered if I was really committed when I got quiet and moody, so please reassure him often that you are committed to working on your marriage.

I like your idea about being more pro active. For years I was too passive...and lots of heartache could haven been avoided.

This sounds like a good time to download the EN questionaires and fill them out. Just right click and choose 'save target as' and you can print them when you want to. Just a suggestion..but whatever you do, try to do something each day!

Keep us posted.
Diane

Sally

I can understand your fear of reverting, both Poe and I have it to. But we also have talked about it and will try to help each other make sure it doesn't happen.

Yes, help each other.

Stunned Dad;

I know I have to take charge..I am only scared that things will revert and I will feel lonely again..it is not comparison I know, to the fears H has of me having another A..of course. You are right, his fears are more warranted.

I am trying to be pro-active here....if I didnt care about slavaging my M, I definately would not be here on this board.

Its almost like the dating phase, you know, where everything is all sweet and going well, kinda superficicial...I just want this to be a way of life for us, for our marriage and not just a bandaid. I dont want us to fail.

Sally, I understand where you're coming from. The thing that helped me was remembering to take things one day at a time. The future is never guaranteed. I learned that with H's broken leg, and with the fire we had in fall. Something else could have happened to H and maybe he would have died. I almost went into that burning building, and maybe I wouldn't have come out. You just never know.

I try to live for today, and take care of tomorrow when it comes (this is not saying I don't plan for tomorrow..... I am speaking emotionally) When I tried to think about being married to H "till death do us part", I got a gut wrenching feeling - felt trapped again.... If I think of loving him today, I can do it! If I only think of today, the love is greater, than if I think of the big picture. Maybe it's just a mind game, but it works, and it's a lot better than the previous thought that "if this M isn't going to last a lifetime, I may as well end it now and be done with it."

Interestingly enough, you put a whole lot of "today's" together, and you have a lifetime <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Liza