Hello.. i've been up and down this website but I haven't found the answers to the questions I have. I know none of you know me, but I'm hoping someone will take the time to read this and give advice. Let me start with a summary of me and my story. I'm 19, living in Japan with my military husband. Recently, I became involved with another man. There was nothing sexual. There was however minor affectionate contact (not to include kissing) Through this website I realized that the needs I wasn't having met were conversation and affection. This are the only thing I recieved from this other man. I ended this on my own quite a while ago when I had a "light bulb" moment, that I needed to focus on my husband and meeting his needs and in turn would have mine met. He found out about it because after I broke it off he continued to email me and try to contact me. I tried not to respond, but did feel like I owed him a further explanation besides just "i don't want to see or talk to you anymore" needless to say the emails were found and I was caught very off guard. I was dishonest in the beginning but it's 2 days later now and everything is out. Of course, he doesn't believe everything is out, or anything else I say for that matter. Why should he???? He is unwilling right now to explore why I became vulnerable to the wrongdoing or how to start to repair things. He is stuck on the images he has in his head about the time I spent with this other man. He has put a huge importance on trust,as it should be, but right now believes that he'll never get back any trust for me. That even to continue the relationship for the sake of trying would require me to become a "POW" Now I know I deserve that and I'm willing to do that. He asks me how he can know this will never happen again. I can't give him hard evidence of that. I DO however know that my entire mindset and outlook about marriage has changed. I know it will take time to show him that but I'm not sure he's willing to give that time. He's very much grieving for the relationship we had that is now lost, which I also understand as I'm mourning it also. But I TRUELY believe that we can rebuild our life together and possibly even make it BETTER (with both our needs being fulfilled) On an ending note, as I know this is getting quite long, When we were dating, my husband got himself in the same if not worse situation that I'm in right now, twice. I ALWAYS wanted to make it work. If he just said he was sorry and held me it was enough to renew my faith in the relationship. We are young, very young, and I don't think either of us are mentally equiped for this.. none the less I want it to work. I do feel somewhat cheated myself though because I afforded him so much understanding when I found out what he did, and tried so hard, yet he can't afford me the same. I realize this is much different because we ARE married now. I know it took me a long time but I built back enough trust in him to be happy. I stopped seeing the images in my head that haunted me. Yes things still bother me but I can move past it. Is this just all doomed or does anything that this is repairable?? CAN I build his trust in me again?? Is there anything I can do to help him stop seeing these images that haunt him? Thank you so much for your time, I know this is long. Feel free to email if you don't want to post.

There's just so much more to it.. I don't feel like I'm communicating correctly. Please if anyone has any questions that would help me further clarify my situation feel free.

Originally posted by DisgustedByMe:
Recently, I became involved with another man.

How recently, and for how long?

There was nothing sexual. There was however minor affectionate contact (not to include kissing)

I ended this on my own quite a while ago when I had a "light bulb" moment, that I needed to focus on my husband and meeting his needs and in turn would have mine met.

How long ago? I thought you said this was "recent"?

He found out about it because after I broke it off he continued to email me and try to contact me. I tried not to respond, but did feel like I owed him a further explanation besides just "i don't want to see or talk to you anymore"

This was foolish. You owed him nothing more than an "It's over".

needless to say the emails were found and I was caught very off guard. I was dishonest in the beginning but it's 2 days later now and everything is out.

So the discovery was 2 days ago after a period of lying? Is that the timeline?

Of course, he doesn't believe everything is out, or anything else I say for that matter. Why should he????

Do you believe someone who has lied to you?

He is unwilling right now to explore why I became vulnerable to the wrongdoing or how to start to repair things.

Because he is not convinced he knows the truth. THIS is the price of lying.

He is stuck on the images he has in his head about the time I spent with this other man.

And it will eat him up for awhile .... but, this is just 2 freakin' days later! What do you expect?

He has put a huge importance on trust,as it should be, but right now believes that he'll never get back any trust for me.

Well .... you'll have to earn his trust. He won't "get trust" without consistant and sincere effort on your part.

That even to continue the relationship for the sake of trying would require me to become a "POW" Now I know I deserve that and I'm willing to do that. He asks me how he can know this will never happen again. I can't give him hard evidence of that. I DO however know that my entire mindset and outlook about marriage has changed. I know it will take time to show him that but I'm not sure he's willing to give that time.

He does get a choice. And you cannot fix this quickly.

He's very much grieving for the relationship we had that is now lost, which I also understand as I'm mourning it also.

Yes.... but, you're mourning your loss of honor too. He did not lose his honor.

But I TRUELY believe that we can rebuild our life together and possibly even make it BETTER (with both our needs being fulfilled)

What you believe has changed rather quickly, hasn't it? Your husband needs time.

On an ending note, as I know this is getting quite long, When we were dating, my husband got himself in the same if not worse situation that I'm in right now, twice.

And your point is....?

I ALWAYS wanted to make it work. If he just said he was sorry and held me it was enough to renew my faith in the relationship. We are young, very young, and I don't think either of us are mentally equiped for this.. none the less I want it to work.

If you're old enough to be married, you are old enough to take on the necessary maturity.

I do feel somewhat cheated myself though because I afforded him so much understanding when I found out what he did, and tried so hard, yet he can't afford me the same.

Those pesky marriage vows.... do they mean something to you?

If he strayed before the vows were spoken, it IS DIFFERENT after the vows .... because once you say "I do" .... your honor is at stake.

A promise and a vow before God was broken by your actions.... that's simply a fact.


I realize this is much different because we ARE married now.

Voila'

I know it took me a long time but I built back enough trust in him to be happy. I stopped seeing the images in my head that haunted me. Yes things still bother me but I can move past it. Is this just all doomed or does anything that this is repairable?? CAN I build his trust in me again??

Yes, especially if you shoulder the responsibility of your actions and vow breaking WITHOUT saying "You did this too, before we were married." That's a tack not likely to promote trust.

Is there anything I can do to help him stop seeing these images that haunt him?

No, not unless you can perform a lobotomy. He needs to properly work this through. And, unfortunately, this involves pain and hurt.

Please put paragraphing spaces in your posts, otherwise, it's too hard to read.

Pep

Hello,

I am not sure if I understand everything correctly. Are you saying that your husband believes that you were sexually intimate with the OM when in fact you were not? Is he unconvinced because since he had to find out about the relationship you had with the OM he no longer believes that you are telling him the truth? I can understand what a problem this would be. I would strongly suggest marriage counseling to have both of you work on your communication skills.
On another note it seems that you are attempting to compare the situation that your husband had while he was dating you to your present situation.
I am sorry but there is a world of difference. You and your husband were dating and he was close to other women at this time. He was not married to you at this time. You are now married to him and made marriage vows to him and then engaged in an inappropriate relationship with another man. I think there is a world of difference. He had not made vows of committment to you before God and to be legally committed to you. Your transgression was after all of these legal and religious vows you made to each other. I hope you see the difference because I am sure your husband does. I wish you luck.

I'm sorry for the confusion I caused.

The A lasted about 2 weeks before I cut it off, about 2 weeks later my husband found out as the OM kept pursueing me. How he found out doesn't matter, the point is he should know and I should have told him.

Thank you for showing me that I can not compare his situation to mine when we were dating. I was still being selfish and thinking that the pain was the same marriage or not. I was deadly wrong.

I understand it will take lots of time and be very hard for him. Looking back my post was written in sadness and confusion. I have no idea what I was trying to achieve by posting or what I was expecting to hear.

I know that this is all up to him now, that all I can do is show my love, support, and absolute unconditional committment. I'm sorry I bothered you all with that extremely long post that didn't make any sense.

My husband employer (the military) gave him the opportunity for counseling and he wants to take it. That is enough hope for me that he might want to try to work on this in the future. I know he has not fully made a decision to try to work it out, but these are the consequences for my actions and I will respect whatever he decides.

I don't have your responses to reference to up, and if I missed anything please let me know. Thank you for your time.

I found another thing I feel needs further explanation. As far as the period of lying, he found the emails on the computer, he woke me up and asked me about it. I initially lied but within 5 minutes I came out with the whole truth. I know this isn't better or worse, I just wanted to clarify.

Welcome to MB, DisgustedByMe.

The first thing you need to focus on is earning a little trust back from your H. I'm sure you know it has to be earned, and this time it will be expensive!

I'd suggest writing a NC (no contact) letter.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">More information can be found here.

Since you communicated with OM (other man) via email, I'd suggest you share all your computer passwords with your H and encourage him to access all your files and accounts regularly.

Put a rule on your email account so that any email from the OM is immediately deleted (not bounced back to him, but silently deleted).

Allow your H to put a tape recorder on your phone, or show him the cellphone bills or anything else that will help begin to bring a bit of peace into his life. Right now he doesn't trust anything - nothing you say, nothing he used to believe and think he "knew" about the two of you. The more hard, tangible proof of your trustworthiness you can give him, the better off you'll be.

This journey will take a long time. Not days or weeks, but months and years. Start reading, and post often.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'd suggest writing a NC (no contact) letter. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I agree. I ended contact with OM before my H found out, but the OM continues to pursue. I want nothing to do with this. Hopefull a finally email like that would help things.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Since you communicated with OM (other man) via email, I'd suggest you share all your computer passwords with your H and encourage him to access all your files and accounts regularly.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This has already been put into affect. He has all my names and passwords and can access them whenever he wants.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Allow your H to put a tape recorder on your phone, or show him the cellphone bills or anything else that will help begin to bring a bit of peace into his life. Right now he doesn't trust anything - nothing you say, nothing he used to believe and think he "knew" about the two of you. The more hard, tangible proof of your trustworthiness you can give him, the better off you'll be.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Because of H's involvement with the military, there will be an investigation into the matter. I am working on getting logged phone records for all back months of numbers dialed and received. Since we are on a military base in a foreign country I'm still not sure if this is logged anywhere or not. I am trying though. Also, I'm trying to find a way to recover any deleted mail that I send or recieved from OM. If anyone can help with this please let me know. I used AOL for this. H would like me to contact him to see if he has record of the emails to return to me, but since the OM knew I had a H I doubt he kept those things or has a way to retrieve them. Since this is going to be a legal matter, does anyone think that the military would be able to track down the emails??? I don't have a cell phone, but I'm willing to try to get any kind of hard evidence possible. If anyone has any ideas please let me know! Thank you all for your time.

Hi and welcome to MB,

There is a lot to learn from and unfortunately we have a few here from the military in similar situations. If you can find a poster named Sing, she maybe able to help you. Also several military spouses post here so you will get some help.

As for using info here:

1. Read the concepts section above.
2. Read the book His need/Her Needs by Dr Harley.

3. Take the Emotional Needs questionnaire both you and your H.

4. Go with your H to the MC. If you can do phone counseling iwth Steve, Jennifer or Cerri here at MB it w/b great.

5. Know that right now restabilishing the trust is of prime importance. Be honest with your H and know it will take time. Give your H the time for him to heal. Let him know we are here to listen to his side as well.

There is a lot here for the BS and WS to learn from .

Keep posting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

L.