Jazzey don't know what to say.

Just know I care and wish I could impart a jewel of wisdom.

The only observation I have is that it sounds like you two developed a parent/child relationship with him being the parent and you being the child.

The other thing is he seems self centered at least from what little I have to go by. That might be an unfair assessment. But having an affair is a very selfish act in and of itself. So its not a reach by any means.

I do think he still has feelings for you or why bother to see what you are posting.

Take care that's the best I can come up with.

Jazzey,

Perhaps you need to step back before you act on your immediate emotions and reactions. Step back from everything and ask what is the best for you, your kids and your marriage.

Ask yourself what is healthy. Mentally. Emotionally.

Your WS has feelings for you. Do you want your marriage? What plan are you in?

I know your story, except I don't know if this is new ow or the one that caused so much grief.

Just try to step back and think about what you really are trying for here, and then do what you can to make it so.

You are worthy. And you are hurt. You can justify your LB's , but that doesn't make it okay.

What does your WS need from you? Do you want to fulfill his EN's? Or is he too much in the fog?

No 2x4. Just wondering what you want. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> What do you want, and what can you do to get there? I had to give a lot, even though my FWS was wrong, and then I got what I needed. He is so great now. It has taken a lot of time, but it was worth every effort and self examimation, improvement in myself, etc, that I made. It has come back to me, and then some.

Wishing you the best and praying for your situation.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 03:42 AM: Message edited by: Miss M ]</small>

Here's a 2 X 4: Our turning point came when I decided that I wouldn't stay in a bad M. That's it.

I'm not exactly sure what that means. I used to ask myself "Can I tolerate this?". Now I don't. I told him he could go through the MB or not, his choice, but I was done with MC #2 who was recommending an immediate and long-term separation. I got to the point of realizing: 1) I can't change him in any way, including by changing myself, and 2) Infidelity and abuse are NOT OK.

I look back and wish I had gone into Plan B on June 14, 2001, three months BEFORE the first kiss. That was my first LB -- when I demanded he stopped seeing this woman who was telling him she felt passion for him. But I had lots of reasons not to, including that our four month old child was being baptized that Saturday.

How foolish. Now there has been lots of damage to the children, much of it from my being so upset with Tom about Sophia. They didn't actually witness any lovemaking between Tom and Sophia. What they saw was anger between us.

As for you only hit things and not kids, how would you feel if someone much larger than you was hitting things? Threatened. Like you were next.

Sounds like Plan B with opportunity given to him to follow some structured program of recovery. Personal dignity has a higher priority than commitment to marriage vows which are meaningless because spouse is not showing care.

Ok here's my confession here...
ex-drama queen here......
hard to believe now I know..

...I'm so calm and collected.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
threw innamate objects all time...AND broke them..AND was even stupid enough to only throw and break MY things...usually things I liked...no change that ...broke things I loved...still mad about that anitique bean pot I broke...
dumb dumb dumb....

I understand the surge of frustration and rage that you feel prior to throwing something...and I understand the temporary relief..and we all know it is temporary relief....
and then the real bugger is the truth that you are the one that has to clean it up...
THE WORST!!!!!!

So Mr. Ark one day when we weren't fighting had been out putzing in our garage...brought in this tray of old ugly mismatched glassware...put them on a tray on the counter...and said..hey next time you want to break something ...could you get rid of these for me.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ...

Ok it was funny since he did it when we were'nt fighting...

anyways there sat those glasses for a week or so...and for whatever reason seeing them there...waiting to be thrown and broke..and the riduculousness of that action...and seeing how it must look to my husband...I really haven't thrown and definitely haven't broke anything since then...

try it jazzey get a silly stuffed animal and put it out somewhere you can see it every day...and plan on that being your "I'm so mad I'm gonna throw something" object....and if you get that frustrated use it...and throw it...

but I believe what happened to me...the more i looked at and saw those glasses when I wasn't mad..the more I realized the ridiculousness of throwing and breaking them when I was mad...

try it...I know how it feels...and the truth is ...the feeling, the emotion and the strong urges to throw...will only remain when you indulge it...you feed the feeling by throwing...don't feed the feeling by not throwing and you will be surprized how quickly it will pass...

sometimes when really frustrated..I can feel like throwing something....but it passes quickly...very quickly...
but YOU have to break the cycle..
don't analyze it.
don't ponder it

where do we go with your post...
because you keep doing the same things over and over...and feel the same way...
am so uninterested in his responses and actions right now...because both of you keep doing the same dance...

So of course I start in with the LB about well if you didn't have to run off on this family with your girlfriend.

there it is...right there..
the mother of all show-stoppers...
at this point all communication is broken and done...
and anything said after that comment is futile, unheard by either and a waste of the English language,....

barely skimmed the rest of your post...knew that no matter what you posted neither of you could have said much of any value....

he says blah blah blah
you hear blah blah blah
you say blah blah blah
he hears blah blah blah

so jazzey regardless of all of the other stuff it comes back to you and your decision about whether or not you WANT to get past and over this.
and whether YOU will do the work it takes to do it...
because you keep dragging everyone back to the same point ...

Until you decide you and he will live this cycle and life..
and if you are not happy living this cycle and life then do something to change it...
and you are not powerless..

IT is all your choice..
it's a new day... decide...
decide that no matter what those words will never cross your lips again...and it will be a start..
if you can't get over that fact...which is your right ....
then get a divorce...

but once you speak those words...nothing of value will follow from him or you...cause he can't change that....
he knows it
you know it.
deal with it...

ARK