When is it time to make the decision to divorce? It is 8 months now since she told me, and I just cannot move on. Every time I have sex with my wife, the OM pops into my head. There are days when I just want to walk up and slap her, when will this go away? Plus, we are just not sexually compatible, I have a much higher sex drive than she does. Ironic is that fact that she cheated! I know that if it weren’t for my kids, I would be long gone, does that mean that I should get a divorce? I know it will be financially crippling, but I just keep thinking that I should start over.

Are these feelings normal?

Glad-Man, are you in recovery? What is she doing to repair this damage? Are you in counseling?

You have gone through a terrible shock and it won''t get better overnight. You are looking at 18 months TOPS to recover from an affair. It is possible to recover and have a great marriage with a lot of work, though.

This is a very bad time for you to be thinking about divorce because around 8 months is often a critical time for betrayed spouse. The shock has worn off, the relief of keeping your spouse has worn off and anger sets in. You probably even feel like a CHUMP every day, right? Well, believe it or not, that is all a normal part of recovery that will not last forever. It's not a signal to go for divorce.

Maybe if you describe what happened, how you found out and what y'all are doing to fix it, we could get a better idea of how to help you.

Melody,

Thanks for the reply. Here is my story (have changed user names): My Story

Yeah, anger is an issue and I feel like a chump, in fact that is the word I used. Sometimes I feel like I am just going through the motions.

Glad-Man, thanks for the link. I will check it out when I get back from work this evening. In the meantime, let me assure you that what you are feeling is quite normal. You have been through a very traumatic shock and it does take time to get over it. There is light at the end of the tunnel, though!

Will respond tonight. Take care. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">"I know it will be financially crippling, but I just keep thinking that I should start over."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is your prerogative since you do have biblical precedent for it. BUT remember that where you go so does your anger go and your mental images as well, and divorce may not end up resolving these for you. The last thing you want is to have your emotional baggage accompanying you toward a future marriage. Get counseling to resolve these issues before you proceed with such a permanent and life altering decision.

Dear Gladman - I think it is definately too early to talk of divorce, from your link and your original post it sounds like your wife was truly sorry. I think you have to give it some time, maybe try some counselling and the images will fade. Have you done the ENS questionnaires? with respect to the sex maybe you and your wife can find a compromise that you will both be satisfied. I know there is alot of hurt, anger but you really owe it to your family to do everything you can to save your marriage.

Maybe the question is, "what did i do to cause this A". Now i'am in no way approving of an A. But, try to look at what you did to cause her to got outside the marriage. alot of people here feel sorry for themselves because their S is on the prowl. But, if you look deep within yourself, you will see why it happened and in most cases what lead up to it.

I offer this because sometimes if you stop for a moment and ask yourself what you did and contributed to make this happen and take some of responsibiliy, it helps in the forgiveness department. good luck.

GladMan, have you read the book Surviving an Affair? It might be a huge help to you. Have you both taken the emotional needs questionaires and made efforts to meet the other's needs?

Outside of that, I think what you are feeling is just a very normal part of recovery. My worst time was around the 8 month mark for all the reasons I gave above. But after that, my anger lessened and lessened every month until it went away. I am glad that I stuck it out even though it wasn't easy.

Have you also talked to your W about this? It might help to talk to her about it occasionally and tell her what she can do, if anything, to alleviate it. You might find, though, that you will feel better if you come here once a month and vent to us. This will get better, I promise you, Gladman.

First of all, thanks for the replies. Guess I just needed to vent and have some folks refocus me. I guess it is the worst if we are having a fight or disagreement. I think to myself, I don't have to take this $hi+ from her. She is trying pretty hard, and I have done everything in my power to show her I care and try to not talk about the OM or things that remind us of that time when it happened. The mere mention of the OM's name makes her cringe, I know that she hates herself for letting it happen.