Ok,
Made it through the weekend! Ans I'm still sane and feeling somewhat better overall. To recap for those not familliar with whats going on, I'm the WS and told my BS of the A on 4 Jan 04 . A week later there was a blowup that ended with her being charged with domestic violence. Her EX began callingme right away to try to get me to help him take his daughter from her. I feel that she's better off with my BS than her biological father so I recanted my statement that caused my BS to be charged in the first place to make the charges go away or be reduced to where it would not harm her custody of our daughter. The is a temporary protection/no contact order thru the courts from the domestic violence charge but we are working to have it removed or modified so its eaiser to coordinate taking care of the bills and kids.

Now that we're all up to date, She sent my 2 sons to see me his weekend for an overnite while she worked. She did not send our daughter as she already had made plans to spend the night with one of her friends. Couple that with the situation her biological father is trying to create and even I can say that its probably not the best idea to have her come visit overnight with me. All that we would need would be for my daughter to say something to her biological fathers family about spending the night with "Daddy Thomas" and all hell would break loose. So I'm ok with it. When I sent the kids home I sent a letter with them to my BS. I have a copy of the rough draft and I'd like comments on if I did an ok job with it. I didn't have access to the Net or I would've posted it here 1st to make sure that I didn't screw up. Here's the letter that I sent home with the boys.

BS Name,
Thanks you so much for trusting me the boys to me and letting me have them come up to my mothers. I know stepdaughter already had plans with friend before I asked to see the kids. I also know that now is not the time to have stepdaughter say to her paternal side of the family, "I went to G-Ma Eileens and spent the night with daddy-thomas" I understand this and I'm ok with it. I love and miss stepdaughter though, and I would like to see her when time and the situation permits though. This is only if you are comfortable with it though. It was great to see the boys. All three of us needed that.
I'm sending a sled home with son. Brother and I picked it up when we saw it was going to snow. I promised son and stepdaughter last time it snowed I would make sure they got to play in and sled in the snow the next time it did. Since stepdaughter could not come to my mothers and it was to cold, please see if you, your mom or sister-in-law and boyfriend,or someone can take the kids sledding while snows on the ground?
Other than that, I wanted to let you know that I am going to respect the time and space that you need. There are only two things that we need to worry about comunicating to one another right now. One is where /who will have the kids so I can call and visit them. The other is family finances. I need to know when you take money out of the account or write a check. This is only so we do not bounce anything. Other than these issues, until you approach me, I will not push to speak on other issues. I mean this through the duration of the themporary protection/no-contact order, through going to court, and after court, until you are ready and approach me. Until you are ready to talk about anything other than the kids or our finances, you have my word that I will respect our need for time and space.
Please take care of yourself and know that I am ok. I'm taking care of myself and trying to put things right in my life. When you are ready, I will be there to listen to what you have to say, honestly answer any questions you have, and respect your feelings and any decisions you make.

I love you and miss you,

Thomas

THis was the rough draft of the letter I sent home with my sons after having them this weekend. It meant alot that she let me have them overnight as I took them when she was arrested and could've held on to them an kept them from her after she was arraigned. The only thing about the letter that I changed in the final copy was I softened the tone when I was speaking about the family finances. I felt the verbage I used in this draft sounded to authoritive, like someone bossing someone else around. My intent was to 1. Thank her for sending my sons and trusting me that I would send them home (is implied) 2. Establish that I'm going to respect her need for time and space (never have done this before) and establish gorund rules on what we need to comunicate on right now. Anyone have any feedback? Looking for perceptions from both BS and WS.

Thanks in advance,
-2soon

^Bump^

Just looking for feedback on the letter, wanted insight as to how it sounds if I screwed up etc...

-2soon

I don't think ya screwed up so to say...

I'm not sure why you wrote the letter...
I think I know why... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

and if you want to know what I think is the reason why...
I'll tell ya...

I think you wrote it...because you are still very focused, worried and analyzing what she is doing. going to do...
etc..
and you are hoping to get a response, glimmer, word back from her...
any thing to hold on to..
any thing to mull around in your brain...

anything type of feedback/attention....

any of that ring true???

you need to show accountability to her...
what proof have you given her that you aren't running around in your new found bachelor state...
with OW
with new OW..
etc...
turn all letters back around on you..if you are even going to write...
take the focus off of her...

talk about what you are doing with your time..
give her access to cell phone records
email addresses
passwords etc...

ARK

Ark,

Because of the TPO/no contact order from the courts, I cannot speak with my BS. I wrote the letter as something to let her know that I am going to respect her need for time and space so she can absorb all thats happened and move forward when she's ready.

Whenever we've had problems in the past I've always pushed and pushed... So I wanted to make it clear that I will repsect her and give her time and space. As far as comunicating what I'm doing, how I'm NOT with the OW or new OW or showing my accountability. I feel she does not want to hear about any of that right now. I feel she just wants to be left alone and not to be reminded of me or whats happened. Now this is just my impression after our last conversation before we started honoring the No contact order exactly.

On a side note, I'd given the OW a NC speech that I thought made it pretty clear that I'm dedicated to my marriage nad that our affair was over and I wanted no contact with her again. Well, she called me this past friday on my cell phone and blocked her number so I wouldn't catch it on my caller ID. I answered and when I found that it was her I got really pissed off and yelled a few obscenities at her and told her to stop calling me or I would view it as harrasment and report her to the police. She got pissed, told me to F#@K off, and slammed the phone down.

With that said I don't know how to handle talking about these things with my BS when we do start talking. I want her to know that I've issued a NC ultimatium to the OW. But I feel if I try to discuss these things before she comes to me to talk, she will feel I'm trying to push the issues on her. My BS has always stated she felt I pushed her constantly when issues like this would come up and thats where I don't know how to do the things you've said I need to do Ark. By this I mean as far as Accountability, proof I'm not running around, talking about what I'm doing etc...

One thing I'm getting in the habit of doing is recording all significant events through my day in a day planner.... Doing this so I can keep things straight and on top of things I need to get done... But I'd appreciate input on how to talk about things without her feeling pushed.

-2soon

2soon...
cute really cute...
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Whenever we've had problems in the past I've always pushed and pushed... So I wanted to make it clear that I will repsect her and give her time and space.

wise2 the letter is pushy...
take the kids sledding...
yeah I'd take them sledding...after I painted your face on the bottom of the sled... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Guess how the NEW wise2 shows respect without pushing??

he doesn't write a letter...he just does it... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

get it wise2...new you = no letter
unless the letter is all about you....

your disclosure of the affair is very recent..
her mind is probably reeling with thoughts of you and her in contact...

YOu definitely need to be upfront on all accounts of not seeing OW>...whether wife brings it up or not...that's YOUR job...

you should write the OW a no contact letter ..WITH RESPECT...not F/U's... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> you are responsible for some of the pain visited on the OW...and your wife...
and while you owe her no long drawn out info...and certainly need to do everything on your part to block contact...you don't attack the OW...

write a no contact letter that is short and to the point.
Apologize for your role in the affair.
and explain you are going to work things out with your wife.
period...

see you wife this way...
dear wife I can only imagine the thoughts you have about the affair.
I want to take as active as a role as possible in alleviating the pain I can.

things you should be willing to give her..
cell phone records....or new cell phone so that OW doesn't have number
access to emails between you and OW>..passwords to current emails that she can check whenever she wants...
and full disclosure of every attempt OW makes to contact you..
also when did you spend time with ow..and what are doing now during that time...and how to show that to your wife...

wise2 at first I didn't think your letter was that bad...and it's not AWFUL...but....it's not truthful is it...

you want to work on your marriage
you want your wife back.
you want to be with your children...
and your letter is not about any of that...
your letter is a letter afraid of what his wife may decide...

YOU decide what you want ...and then you make your plans from there...

I want to be with my wife...so I am going to act and behave as if that is what I want and do the work it may take to get there....

this is not to say that she doesn't have input...
but take the lead the man..

Define you want a better marriage with her..one that is worthy of her and you...


basically your letter says...
hey I'm here..
come work at getting me back....

change you shift in thinking..
change your focus...

ark

Ark,

I don't know if I made it clear or not but I feel that my BS doesn't want to hear those things right now.

you want to work on your marriage
you want your wife back.
you want to be with your children...
and your letter is not about any of that...
your letter is a letter afraid of what his wife may decide...

If I include hese things Ark, I feel she will view it as me trying to push her in to facing the issue. Not that I am doing those things but that I'm saying I'm doing those things to get her to respond. This is why you see no mention of those things in my letter ark, not because I'm not doing them. I do appreciate your bluntness though.
As far as the OW is concerned, I will make sure that I write a letter letting her know once again of NC. I will be polite and apologetic in it and apologize for being profane when she called me last. I'm assuming I should cc my wife on it as well? The issue now is when do I give my BS a copy of the letter I plan on giving to the OW? Keep in mind that there is a no contact order between BS and I right now and I don't think she wants to hear these things.

Ark, I guess thats the point I'm making overall when you comment on:
you want to work on your marriage
you want your wife back.
you want to be with your children...
and your letter is not about any of that...
your letter is a letter afraid of what his wife may decide...
I honestly feel she does not want me to tell her what I'm doing right now, I feel she just wants to be left alone till she approaches me. I'm the newbie here and I'm probably wrong. It's why I'm coming here so rip me a new one if you guys have to.... I do not want to screw this up.

-2soon

well
sorry to be so confusing...

1. If I were you I wouldn't have written any letter in the first place...
if she asked to left alone do that...

BUT if you were going to write one..
thanking her for letting you see the boys..is good...

and that's really about it..
and certainly expressing concern that you hope she is well...

wise2 all the other stuff in my post is about lining your own ducks up...regardless of what she is doing...

that you have to be ready to do/be as soon as you two start talking about anything is to be accountable for your time and activities...
if say tomorrow the ban is lifted and she calls you and says..

I want to know what YOU are doing and going to do to save this marriage...
you dam well better have an answer...

didn't the last conversation you two have include her saying she does not want a divorce...

use this time to seek out a marriage counselor...gets names available...

that's more what I am talking about...

and you need to be willing to bring up the affair and offer her information...and if she says she does't wasn't to hear it or talk about it..re-assure her that you're ready when she is...

I guess your letter which is fine....and while it certainly stays away from the relationship stuff...also doesn't offer much insight in to what you want...
best to stay away from letter...
and wise2 this is not to beat you up...we all crawl along this chaos....
doing the best we can muster...

you sound sincere and if you can convey that to her as well that is a good thing...

ark

Ark,

I'm fine with your responses, will stay away from the letters and wait till she reaches out to me. If you guys get to rough on me, don't worry... I have a cup laying around here somewhere...

Anyways, Right now I'm seeing a personal therapist as I'm addressing issues that I've never dealt with from my younger years. We've identified 3 specific incidents that have reached all of the way from my childhood into my adult life. Never dealing with them with a professional or anyone for that matter has left me ill-equipped to deal with them and as such, you see their effects in my personal relationships throughout my life.

I've established NC with the OW but she has persisted in contacting me. I am writing a NC letter for her to hopefully drive the point home.

Coupled with therapy and other resources, I've been looking at my marriage and trying to identify where I added to the chaos and where I took away from it. As I learn more about my own issues I see how they played into the chaos in my marriage. Other than this I am reaching ut to all who can/will help. We have a MC to go to if BS decides she wants to try to save the M but that will be decided when she is ready.

So right now I'm focusing on myself and trying to gain an understanding of what led to the A and what needs to change in me. If I'm missing anything, someone please grab a MB 2x4 and whack me with it.

-2soon

Wise, I'm not going to discount anything Ark had to say about the letter. But I do think you are moving in the right direction by making it much to do about the kids. Mother is the word for God on the lips of children. Don't ever underestimate your W's #1 priority. Just hope you make it back to #2.

I'm still navigating the most ridiculous recovery I could have ever imagined so I may not be the best to give advice. However I feel very strongly about this point.

Walking