Well, i have expose the A.

Had a good long talk with WS. I think some of it got through the fog. I hope it did. He said it did but i don't hope so much.

WS also told me that OW have decided that she will resign but i don't know when. I thought that would make WS even more IN LOVE with OW because of her so called sacrifice. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have continue to do Plan A. I think it is working too. He seemed more kind towards me.

But the bottom line is...he has not said anything about ending the A. Tonight he decided to stay at his brother's and not sleep at home. He said he needed time to think alone.

He was a good liar. He lied so well about OW identity and everything else. How do i know when the time comes that he is finally sincere about ending the affair?

Female age 36 WS-age 36
Known 18 years Married 7 years
DD age 5
OW - 20/unmarried
8/sep/03 - Dday
22/sep/03 - Dday
17/0ct/03 - Dday
28/Dec/03 - Dday
29/Dec/03 - Dday & Told him to move out.
15/1/04 - Plan A
23/1/04 - Expose A & waiting to see what will happen next.

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 08:34 AM: Message edited by: zizzycool ]</small>

Zizzy, you will know he is sincere about ending the affair when he ends it. That is how you know. And he is apparently not at that point yet. It won't happen overnight. In the meantime, you need to work hard on your Plan A and try to meet his needs when you can. No lovebusters, and WHATEVER YOU DO, don't bash the OW because it will work against you.

Just work very quietly behind the scenes to expose this affair. Try and find out where she lives and with whom. If she lives with her parents, contact them and tell them about the affair. Tell your H's family. The most exposed this affair is, the faster it will end. So, just hang in there and don't give up hope!

You know what i dread the most. In the mind of my WS he might think that since his OW is making sacrifice by resigning then WS might do a big sacrifice himself by giving up his family and go with her!

Zizzy,

Unfortunately, you can't control your WH or his OW. You can only control yourself, so stick to your Plan A. I was in your shoes, where I was second guessing everything and wondering if I do A, will it lead to B or C, etc. You'll drive yourself crazy. For me, the best thing to do was get a plan (Plan A) and stick to it. That way everything I did was in support of my plan. I didn't have all the guesswork. I just put my faith in the plan and let the rest take care of itself. For what it's worth, the A hasn't ended for my WW, but it's been much easier for me to just accept that I can only control myself (I can't control her, but maybe I can inspire her by my Plan A efforts and actions). My actions are in support of Plan A, which I feel in the long run is my best chance at recovery. If I get to the point where my love for my WW is in real jeopardy, then I'll move to Plan B if I have to.

Tonight he finally said it.

He said maybe we could negotiate or something and that he wants to come back home and try to save the marriage. He said he doesn't want me to go after the OW because she has decided to resign AFTER she gets a job.

Since the day after i expose affair, he has been very very nice and more loving to me.

So is this it?

He still refuse to stay overnight saying that he does not feel comfortable about doing that as long as this issue is not settle yet.

Now what? I don't know. I did not hear any sorry when he said all those waiting to come home blah blah blah.

It feels more like he is doing this because of all my threat about going after OW at office if she does not resign soon. Perhaps he thinks he must calm me down so that i won't go after OW and embrassed her anymore than it is. I also told him that i wanted to go after her family.

I don't know how long OW will take to find a job. I will be going out of my mind by then with Plan A. Plan A is really starting to stress me out. Each day i keep thinking i want to do Plan B NOW but each day i keep telling myself try another day.

He sounds sincere but then again i have been lied 4 times and everything else. What can i ask to ensure that he is sincere this time? And what about the NC letter? How can it work as long as OW is still working there?

Zizzy, I can only tell you what I plan to say and do when and IF my WW decides to return home.

First, realize that you should be calling the shots not him. Sounds like he wants to return home on his conditions as he sees fit.

I will request the following of my WW:
1. NC letter sent to OP, written by her, approved by me, stamped and mailed by us together.
2. An end to any e-mail accounts, IM id's or other ways she had to communicate with him. I will personally change passwords and setup barries to his using them to contact her.
3. One common e-mail account for the both of us.
4. Complete access to her work related charge cards and their statement. No more hiding gifts to OP on the work charge card.
5. No more overnight trips (work or non work related) without me. If I can't or don't want to go (POJA usued here), she does not go. Possible exceptions if she is with a woman I know and trust like her mother or my sister.
6. We spend lots of time together doing the ordinary things of life like cleaning house and grocery shopping. We also spend lots of time together enjoying ourselves. Lots of that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
7. She agrees to see a counselor together with me to work out our problems and plan for a new and better marriage.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by zizzycool:
<strong>

Since the day after i expose affair, he has been very very nice and more loving to me.

So is this it?

He still refuse to stay overnight saying that he does not feel comfortable about doing that as long as this issue is not settle yet.

Now what? I don't know. I did not hear any sorry when he said all those waiting to come home blah blah blah.

It feels more like he is doing this because of all my threat about going after OW at office if she does not resign soon. Perhaps he thinks he must calm me down so that i won't go after OW and embrassed her anymore than it is. I also told him that i wanted to go after her family.

I don't know how long OW will take to find a job. I will be going out of my mind by then with Plan A. Plan A is really starting to stress me out. Each day i keep thinking i want to do Plan B NOW but each day i keep telling myself try another day.

He sounds sincere but then again i have been lied 4 times and everything else. What can i ask to ensure that he is sincere this time? And what about the NC letter? How can it work as long as OW is still working there? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Zizzy, I don't have a good feeling about this and it feels like a false recovery attempt. So far, this is ALL TALK. There has been no mention of a no contact letter, no mention of ending the affair, no plan to move in, and a vague uncommitted promise about the OW finding another job. In other words, a lot of talk, but no action.

You can't make decisions based on fog talk from a liar, so I would just sit back cool your jets for a while longer to see what his ACTIONS tell you. Talk is CHEAP and you don't need to set yourself up for more disappointment.

Please don't say anything more about contacting the OW family to him. In fact, don't say anything AT ALL about the OW. Quietly work behind the scenes to find out who her parents are and notify them of her affair.

I know that Plan A is very hard for you right now, but I think it is imperative that you stay in Plan A for couple more weeks in order to leave him with as much good feeling as possible before you go to Plan B.

You cannot take him back right now and I suspect this is just talk to scare you off the OW. I don't think he is sincere. I HOPE I AM WRONG, but I am having a hard time believing that the exposure of the affair brought him to his senses OVERNIGHT.

Zizzy,

Your WS no longer has a right to decide. You do. You can go to Plan B - Mimi did a great job of separating her husband from the OW through strict execution of the PlanB technique.

It's tough. But I have enough sales training to know this. If you chase a customer, they run away from you. If you back away from someone who is not committed you get to find out what they really want. If they want what you have, you are no longer in the way of the pressure they are feeling to choose to commit. Remove yourself from the equation.

So back away. Plan B Time!!!!!

Kayla, the only reason I don't think she should go right into Plan B is because she was the lovebuster queen up until 10 days ago! She has been in Plan A for 10 days. If she goes into Plan B right now, especially the day after she has exposed "poor poor OW," and is perceived as the bad guy, she will only throw him into the OW's arms.

On the other hand, if she continues to Plan A for a few more weeks, she will leave a good taste in his mouth and give him something to miss in Plan B. I fear that if she goes to Plan B NOW, it will only be a RELIEF at this point to get away from the bad guy.

Agreed. My recommendation for Plan B is that her own love bank is nearly empty and would be after itching to b-slap a lying thieving witch.

Z - what are you doing to strengthen yourself so that you can live for three weeks without lovebusting?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by KaylaAndy:
<strong> Agreed. My recommendation for Plan B is that her own love bank is nearly empty and would be after itching to b-slap a lying thieving witch.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL! She definitely won't be a long term Plan Aer, thats for sure!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I love to slap that lying thief and pull her hair too! All of it!

I have hired a PI. Dunno if it will work or not. If it doesn't a friend of mine has agreed to tail OW to find out her home add.

Now the latest news.

Last night we discussed about what he said the other night. I told him that i think he was only fog talking and is still unsincere about stopping the affair. He said that he is serious about trying again. He said the fog did thin a bit. I told him i don't want to start again and end up being lied. I told him this time i really want commitment.

He also talk a bit about OW. Found out she has a very strict up bringing and still has curfew. Mother very controlling. Her ex boyfriend of 6 years is stalking her and still in love with her. She showed WS the phone numbers of 4 men who were interested in her. Of course i told WS...u see, she could be two timing u too!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He said he understands about the addiction and wanted to know if there is anything that will knock him back to his sense quick. I told him there is none except total cut off from OW.

I don't want to put my hopes high but yes, there are good signs about but then again, there is still not enough sorrys in the whole conversation.

I love plan B but i think i will stick out with Plan A. At least until after valentine day. No way will i let that lying thief a chance to go out with WS on that day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

ohnigod, you did SO GOOD, zizzy! I want to give you a kiss! He is now being open and honest with you about the affair. Just be REAL CAREFUL to not criticize the OW around him or you will cause him to defend her.

Also, don't worry about the absense of remorse right now. That will come later. He is too close to the affair right now to feel remorse, so don't push it. Just keep doing things to ATTRACT him back to you.

AND, bust the OW to her parents! Smart move to get a P.I.!

Do you think it is wise to expose the affair some more at the office. At the moment only that one senior manager knows about the affair and no one else. Even the boss doesn't know.

I fear OW might take her time finding a new job or not at all and i will be stuck in this limbo forever. I thought if everyone in the office knows then maybe she will be pressured to leave earlier.

And what about confronting OW? Should i or shouldn't i?

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 12:00 AM: Message edited by: zizzycool ]</small>

zz,
Leave telling the workplace til later. Right now you need to sit back and hold on tight. The WS isn't ready to recover.........yet. He isn't putting on a real convincing act about coming home. Let him show his $$ is where his mouth is.

L.

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 02:37 AM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

Hi Ziggy:

I've been sitting back watching you. You are doing great!

Continue to try to hold back on trying to control this. I relate to this in you. Remember that you can only control yourself. Right now the best thing for you to do is to PLAN A. CHARM HIM just like a snake charmer because that is what he is right now.

I agree with Orchid. He still can't be trusted. As hard as it is, try to accept that your WH is under a spell right now, a spell that you cannot break! It has taken a full year for my FWH to be out of the fog and he still slips back occasionally. I know now that he was fooling me just like your WH is likely fooling you. Don't buy fully into his honest talk!! He probably is continuing to scheme to protect her. YUK!!

GREAT on hiring the PI!! That knowledge is power and I think it is one of the best things that I did. With your info., he can't continue to fool you. NEVER TELL HIM THAT YOU DID THIS THOUGH.

Hang in there. You're doing great!

There's no way that he's going to end up with that sleazy adolescent that he is with. He is using her. She will get her just desserts. However, you will have to be patient. This unfortunately takes time.

Tonight we talk again.

He said again that he wants to come back but cannot give condition no 1 (OW home address). He said each day he talks to me, he sees certain things more clearly. I have been trying to make him see things by talking about MB, the fantasy, the future etc etc.

You are right...no more talk, he must show action.

Okay, i will do nothing except Plan A for the moment and wait until something else happens.

I maybe the first one who kick him out of the house but now it is his decision not to come home to stay. Everyday since i have asked him are you coming home for dinner and are you staying overnight? Should i stop asking? I am beginning to feel tired asking everyday. I am doing this to make him know that he is welcome to come home anytime. Everyday since he did come home for dinner, stay awhile and go back to his brother to sleep. I think he doesn't want to stay here because he has no way to contact OW while he is at home. Although he says its because he doesn't feel right as long as this issue is not settle yet.

He should know by now that he is welcome to come for dinner and to stay overnight anytime. I think i have mentioned that many times and also told him how happy i feel when he is at home. So should i stop asking?

I planted the second seed about OW could be cheating on him too. Yesterday when i said that he still insisted that she is not. Tonite, he said that it is possible. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Of course maybe i am just being hopeful but still... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> it is nice to be planting doubts about OW into my wayward husband.

<small>[ January 29, 2004, 12:40 PM: Message edited by: zizzycool ]</small>

Hi Zizzycool

I think I would tell him one more time, and let him know that it is the last time. That as long as he is commited to working on the A then the door is open. Time for him to put his words into action.

I also agree that hiring a PI was good. I don't know what makes a WS believe anything the OP says. Seems the fog makes the brain stop working.

Its possible that he is feeling some quilt and is going to brothers to escape that guilt. But your theory is also valid. He is not to be trusted yet, that must be earned back.

Have you given him the web address for this site? He could benefit from posting here.

Well, I have to agree your doing great.

God Bless

Silver and to others who have help me greatly.

He did post in here. I did not want to say anything because i thought it is better not to. But since u ask

Here is his story.

We have agreed NOT to read each other's posting but i could not help myself. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> And i haven't told him yet that i read his.

Should i tell him that i read his posting? I have not mention about posting to him anymore and neither did he say anything about it. Should i ask him to come back here to post?

Actually everything he wrote in here is nothing new to me. He said almost the same thing to me.

He even lied about OW background in his posting!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />