I was sitting here at the computer this morning and my husband popped in with my grandson. He said he is coming back to me but not now. He wants to be sure. I asked when, by Valentines Day , by his birthday Mar 2. He said probably by his birthday, he said don't make him make a certain date...... Please set me straight on something, this is like torture to me now, knowing that he said he is coming back and making me wait possibly another 4 to 6 weeks...... Why!!!!!!!!!! To me if he loved me he would come back NOW....... Why and what does he have to do to make sure............ Should I let him do this like he said he wants to and suffer another 4 -6 weeks of him going back to her house??????? This is how he came back last time and he wound up going out again and going to her......I can't take this anymore so I have to be sure......... Or should I tell him none of these games,,,,, if he loved me and wants our life back, he would come back NOW !!!!!!!!!! Opinions please..........

The only one really playing games is you - you don't have the confidence to set conditions on his return - you've turned all the power over to him.

Surprise me. Read "Boundaries". Do something different than complain about what the next horrible thing he is doing to you. Get a lawyer. Make him earn his way back home. Be attractive for him to return to. A wimp is not attractive and he's playing games with you because you play the wimp role so well.

Dear Lefty - I agree with Kayla - you are teaching your husband how to treat you - not with respect that you deserve especially if this has happened in the past. You should be firm, stand up for yourself and let your husband know that in order to work on your marriage he needs to come back now..not four to six weeks. That what he is saying is not acceptable. It is certainly not fair to you to leave you hanging not knowing what is happening. Be firm - let him know what you want and what type of treatment you are willing to accept, not the way he has been treating you up till now.

I was sitting here at the computer this morning and my husband popped in with my grandson. He said he is coming back to me but not now.

What about saying, "That's nice, honey. Whatever, I'm not going to tell you what to do. See you." Then turn back to the computer and continue what you were doing. Act as if you are aloof and distant? How would he react to that? I'll bet he'll be back sooner than he says.

It sounds like he wanted to see what your reaction would be. He sure got one, didn't he? Don't take the bait. He may be enjoying watching you squirm. Don't give him the satisfaction.

Or, how about "Why don't we talk about you coming back Memorial Day or Labour Day or Christmas?" The longer he stays away would be better for YOUR plans for yourself. Take the focus off him and onto you.

As the others have said, boundaries are essential to keeping your self-respect. If you don't respect yourself, how can he?

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 03:33 PM: Message edited by: SAB ]</small>

Hi Lefty,
What, does her lease run out? Your post just killed me... how cruel can one be? I'm really sorry.

You, of course, are now in charge of recovery. You must decide the terms of his return, if that is what you want. Example:

I Might let your sorry A** move back AFTER

1) NC letter and Proof of NC
2) 2 months of MC
3) 2 months of IC
4) all access to your cell phone bills, internet passwords, phone mail passwords, bank accounts...
5) I must believe you have a sincere understanding of your A and the hell you put me through, WITH safeguards to prevent a repeat

Dont settle for less. And you dont want him back otherwise, do you? Please take care - Dru

FYI, my H had to "win" me back. I did not make it easy on him. I did this, on advice, to make sure it would last. I was not going thru all that sh*t again!!!

Carol
ps. He has been home almost THREE YEARS and we are doing great.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lefty:
<strong> He wants to be sure. I asked when, by Valentines Day , by his birthday Mar 2. He said probably by his birthday, he said don't make him make a certain date...... Please set me straight on something, this is like torture to me now, knowing that he said he is coming back and making me wait possibly another 4 to 6 weeks...... Why!!!!!!!!!! To me if he loved me he would come back NOW</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Are those conditions good enough for you? Will he have proven himself BY Valentines Day enough for you to take him back? I really don't think thats enough time, lefty, and I would let him know that he has a lot of work to before you will consider taking him back. Don't settle for less, lefty!

Listen to Melody. She saved me from taking back WH when he said he had NC with OW. Turned out it was all a lie - I caught them in bed several days later.

To me his talk about coming home and setting a date to come home is just like he said to me in May, setting the date of June 28th. He did come home. But when the going got tough with our counseling and all and he had to do certain things to get my trust back, he couldn't take it and bam, he left again Jan 3 popping back into her house again.....I want him back, but this is very unsettling to me. He is not protecting me from hurt by doing this, he is bring on more hurt making me wait it out again till he comes home. I really have to think this one through before I take him back. I can't deal with any more hurt from him. My health has been affected by all of this because I am so sensitive and I cannot risk this happening again with him. To me, I think he is coming home for the security that we had or because he can't do anything sexually with her. He won't say what he has to prove to himself before he comes back, he never did the last time he came back either...... I really think he is playing with my mind and right now I don't feel he can give me what I want in a marriage....Honesty, protection from hurt, security. I have to give this great thought.......I feel very unsettled with this deal right now....Sounds too much like the last one.......He will have to go some to get back this time........

Well, I saw my husband at my son's house this morning and approached him saying I was very concerned about him wanting to stay out 4 more weeks. I told him it sounded like the same thing he said last time and I can't go through the same thing again. He said it is different this time. I mentioned him going to the counselor even before I accept him back. He said ok , so I called and we have an appt. for tomorrow. Hopefully he will not lie to him too this time. That's why it didn't work last time.....I made it clear I am not going to take the same thing over again.....He said he does love me and he is coming back but he has to do it the way he is doing it. He CANNOT give a reason for staying in her house another 4 weeks, that is what bothers me.........Is this a male thing????????

Good morning Lefty,
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He CANNOT give a reason for staying in her house another 4 weeks, that is what bothers me... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Then I'd make that a condition of his return. He MUST Tell you, even if the answer is he wants 4 more weeks of jollies with his OP. And like at MC tomorrow night! His answer could be 'it's not out of my system yet', which I would take as being totally selfish.

I'd demand a concrete answer! It would drive me crazy all through recovery, so he'd eventually have to answer me anway, may as well not give him too much time to come up with a good answer! But that's just me.

You got him to MC tomorrow, that's a good thing. Keep your eyes open and take care of yourself - Dru