Four months after learning of my H's PA, I am still very angry. I just need somewhere to vent. I am....

Angry that my H thought having an A would be fun and exciting.

Angry that my H entered into a PA with a married co-worker after knowing her a few months.

Angry that my H did nothing to end the PA.

Angry that my H chose not to tell me about A after it was ended by OW.

Angry that my H never admitted the affair or told me he needed/wanted anything to change in the marriage and become distant and detached from our sons and me.

Angry that my H began PA#2 with a direct employee he had known two months, four years after the first PA ended.

Angry that my H did nothing to end PA#2.

Angry that my H chose not to tell me when the sexual relationship was ended by OW#2 five years into the A.

Angry that my H remained in an EA affair with OW#2 for another year, always hoping it would return to PA.

Angry that my H avoided me or any conversation and physical touch during the year after PA#2 ended with OW#2.

Angry that my H began EA with a co-worker eight months after PA#2 ended but when confronted, he stated they were "just friends."

Angry that for the four years before learning of my H's As, he stopped wanting to have SF with me.

Angry that my H treated these OW with more love and respect than he showed me.

Angry that I accepted lack of attention, love, and family commitment from my H during our 24 year marriage.

Angry that I felt I deserved a less-than-perfect H and marriage.

Angry that a smart, college-educated woman could not know her H was being unfaithful.

Angry that I believed the lies told and excuses given by H for the past twelve years.

Angry that I let myself believe my periods of depression, over the past eleven years, were caused by a defect in myself.

Angry that I have to live with images of my H having SF with OW.

Angry that SF is no longer "special" for me but makes me feel dirty - no better than the whores he has been having SF with.

Angry that I can't enjoy TV, movies, or books without "triggers."

I am very angry and very hurt. I still have nights I don't sleep at all, days I think of nothing else but my H's lies and images of him with OW. He has admitted lots of the SF was oral sex which for some reason, disgusts me even more. It just seems so much more "personal" than intercourse.

Sleep is not even an escape for me. I have started dreaming of him having SF with them. I have dreams of him asking me for a divorce so he can be with OW.

It seems to be getting worse instead of better. I know I have to let this anger go whether the marriage ends or not. I know I am in trouble here. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind.

Toofargone,

What are you going to do about your anger ?

Suggestion ... get very busy and so that you have no time idle to think about it. Go hiking ... veryday like supermom did ... or live in the gymn ... Do something that you want to do but can't do it before b/c of M (not A or dating) ... like learning how to fly airplane or train for hiking to kilimanjaro.

Something that you don't dare to do before !. Excel ! Thrive ! ...

-rh-

Hi Toofargone: Is it possible for you to get some counselling and learn how to let the anger go - it sounds like it is consuming you, I can understand and I made the mistake myself to not seek help. Maybe see your family doctor, if he can recommend perhaps a counsellor, maybe even a prescription to get you past this rough period.
Hope this helps

I have that same intense anger. I cannot see any benefit from it, but it is there nonetheless. I've read anger management books and they speak about just being angry in general; angry people. They speak of being angry at the driver in front of you, the baby crying in the movie, the weather and stuff like that. Angry outbursts and high blood pressure.

My anger, and I think too's anger is directed towards a specific person/behavior. Only thoughts of what has happened causes this anger...and the suggested management tools do not subside the anger! Running does not help. Lifting weights does nothing. Reading a good book, watching a good movie, engaging in a hobby, none of that works. The only thing that subsides the anger directed towards the selfish behavior of a WS is venting; finding someone and talking it out until all the anger subsides. that is the only thing that has worked for me.

Dear Toofargone,
I was so sad reading your post. I can feel your pain and agony. Even though I am not dealing with nearly the betrayal that you are I can relate to all the feelings of anger. I guess for me it has come down to making a decision to stay and somehow someway try to put this in the past. Be strong for yourself and as I am trying to do know that whatever decision you make you are doing the best you can. None of us deserve any of this and you will be OK.

Dear TFG --

Four months is not very long to get over your anger after such a traumatic wound. I think you need to cut yourself some slack -- some days are going to be harder and you will be more angry than others. Although our specific situations are different, I relate very much to several of your statements and I am 5 months D-day.

Just in the last very few weeks do I feel a lessening of the depth of my anger. I am in both IC with my own counselor and MC counseling w/Dr. H and I have raised the anger issue, because I was worried it would never stop. My IC counselor said it will run its course and Dr. H was not alarmed. The more I'm in counseling, the more I process this, even though I still don't think my H understands or has made amends, my anger is less than it was a month ago, less than a week ago.

So, even though I don't DO anything specific to get rid of it or do anything blatant to express it, I've given myself permission to feel it w/o feeling guilty about it and to trust in what I believe I have somewhere inside -- strength, a basically good nature, and other good qualities, to believe that the anger will not consume me.

Please write again soon and let us know how you feel again -- is the anger the same, more, less? This may help you gauge your progress.

Take care and be good to yourself,
Shellybird

Through counseling, I have learned that we BS’s go through a grieving process, and that the anger can be part of that.

I am still working on dealing with my anger too.

<small>[ January 26, 2004, 05:36 PM: Message edited by: Hangin'InThere ]</small>

"Angry that I accepted lack of attention, love, and family commitment from my H during our 24 year marriage."

Those were your words in your first post in this thread --

Guess how I got over being angry? I decided that I would not continue to accept lack of attention, love, and family commitment from my H. Period. The bad M is over. I am better off single than living the way I have.

I was a FOOL to tolerate what I did, but the past is the past. All I can do is learn from the mistake that I thought it was appropriate to stick it out in a miserable marriage and make sure that I do my part to create a great one. If he doesn't do the same, good-bye. End of anger. Time to live the rest of my life.

Try visiting:

Get Your Angries Out

or

Anger Management

~Marie

Thanks all for your comments and I plan to check out those anger websites.

I actually felt better after posting the things that were making me angry. I let it go for the rest of the day...a big step for me. Of course, this morning some of those things were back but not as bad.

There are times when I feel more anger towards myself than my H; for not knowing or even suspecting, for trusting him, for believing in him, for believing all his lies, for accepting whatever he gave me and not asking for more.

Adultery is such a cruel, selfish act....and I never thought my H was capable of that. I feel totally damaged...my "self" and my inner "spirit" have been broken...and right now it feels like I can never be fixed.

I take a Lexapro/Wellbutrin combo in the morning, Trazodone at night, and Xanax or Ativan for panic/anxiety. I still only sleep 4 hours each night, if at all. I haven't been to IC because I have "been there, done that" several times before for depression. I probably should go back but just can't make that call for an appointment. I have absolutely no motivation to do anything and leaving the house/talking to anyone are major efforts for me. I am really ashamed to admit my H has been unfaithful, even to a counselor.