My WH and I were looking at our wedding album last night and we were looking through the ones showing us taking our vows. There are tons of pictures of me crying so he was commenting a lot on them. He started to talk about the actual vows and when he was finished making conversation about it, I said, "It's too bad that you didn't mean any of it." I didn't say it with malice or ill-will. He started to tear up and started to walk away. (Mind you I just found out 3 weeks ago). I asked him what he was thinking about and he told me that it was a "low blow". He said that he totally deserved it but it was a cheap shot. I don't feel that way. I asked him what part of any of our vows has he ever kept and he couldn't answer. Then that made him more upset. I don't feel as if I should be the one walking on egg shells right now. Any suggestions on why he feels this way? Any thoughts on if this was a low blow? Thanks.

Carla

Carla,

He has guilt ... that is good. You don't need to add the salt to his pain. If both you are not ready yet ... don't talk about R ... do something together that fillin each other need but stay away from R talk.

-rh-

Sure, it was a low blow. Just as you intended. It is a classic disrespectful judgment and had its intended effect.

antonia,

Quite a low blow. Was it true? I really doubt that your H felt that way when he was slipping the ring on your finger.

I think by the way your H handled the comment he is showing a lot of remorse.

As for me, I have learned that the first thing to pop into my head is usually the wrong thing to say.

Why did you and your H separate?


doug

double

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 06:34 AM: Message edited by: d_rose ]</small>

Hi Doug,

We separated because he had a "DUH" moment and cheated. Now OW is preg. He totally regrets it and wants to reconcile but he has a lot of other personal battles that he needs to win before he can dive into taking care of me and our marriage.

Well, the low blow thing baffled me. STill does. I just feel like I am walking on eggshells around him...shouldn't it be the other way around if he is serious about reconciling? ARGGHH!! I don't what was is up anymore.

Originally posted by antoniablaze:
He started to talk about the actual vows

What did he say about the vows?

Pep

He said that he remembers all the words. And after I made my comment, he said, "It's not that I didn't mean them at the time, and you should know that. Things just changed." I don't know... he has from the very beginning had a fantasy ideal of what marriage is. He always talks about "butterflies and warm and fuzzies". He always goes off of his "feelings" and not what is the right thing to do by the other person. That's what love is in my opinion, doing the right thing.

Did you ask him to repeat the words in your vows?

Pep

Yes, and he remembered the basics..."To love honor and cherish all the days of my life". Like I said, he just has a distorted view of what love is.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by antoniablaze:
<strong> "It's not that I didn't mean them at the time, and you should know that. Things just changed." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Same with my WW. Things changed. She found her 'soulmate', and instead of talking to me or our pastor or a MC, she let the affair develop over years and years. What changed was not 'things' but her and her beliefs and morals.

To roughly paraphrase Dr. Harley - affair partners will change their beliefs and standards to accomodate the affair. What was once unthinkable become reasonable and often the right thing to do.

Dr. H knows what he is talking about.