We've been married a long time...I have long suspected affair(s). Found lipstick on collar; he worked out of town a lot; extra mileage; angry outbursts by H; lack of sex; hang up phone calls; emotional distance, you know the drill.

He will never admit A(s). Not even one. My ? is this...if he won't admit, how can I forgive, because I will never hear I'm sorry, or that it will never happen again. I am stuck distrusting and don't know how to move on. Advice please?

All in all he treats me well. I'd be gone if things were worse in other areas of our life.

I left him many years ago. I'm back. We had a short MC session. But since I have unanswered evidence, I can't seem to move on and trust.

What would you do? Help?

truelove?,

If I were you ... I would

1. Snoop to find out more.
2. See what your contribution in this M and if there is anything that you see you could improve (from his view) do it - plan A
3. Patience

Why you left your H before ?. What makes you back again ?

-rh-

-rh-

RH,

I left because I couldn't trust him...lipstick, phone calls, etc. I left for another M. I felt our relationship had totally ended....that he didn't care and that I didn't matter. The A ended for me, so I went back...telling him and opening up how I felt he just didn't care. He forgave me very quickly, too quickly, as if he had done it himself and therefore he felt it was okay that I did. He didn't say that, I just felt it. He never threw my A in my face, never really reacted to it. That is strange to me. Yes, now he admits his hurt, but basically just buries it.

I came back because basically he is a very decent person...I love him endlessly.

Suggestions on how to snoop please?

Suggestions on how to trust at the same time?

What should I do?

I have asked what I can do for him, EN, etc. what was missing for him to have an affair(s). He denies anything ever happened, so like an alcoholic, if he doesn't admit there is a problem, how do we fix it? I am a huge fan of the Basic Concepts, the EN, etc. I don't believe he is being totally honest with me, and that is where I get stuck. I am trying to trust him, but every time he denies the A(s), then I feel he is lying, therefore I can't move on until he fesses up.

Any advice where to go from here with him lying and my need for his confession? Is there any other way for me to look at this? I get stuck with the fact that he won't be honest with me.

Thanks!

truelove?,

He didn't react to your A could be that 1. he has A also 2. He did recovered in M from your A.

Trust is earned not given. You can't help it there ... until he is open & honest you won't be able to trust him. So don't obssess about it.

Start with journaling ... what is his daily schedule, and note any disceprency. There will be a pattern, look for it. Either get someone to follow him or you do it yourself. You could also get a voice activated recorder and put it in his car. (I did and found out a lot more than what I was ready for). Look at his cell phone detail bill, you could sign up online to view them. (most company let you do it, ATT is wonderful). The key in here is what are you going to do if you have the prove on hand ?. (please answer it)

Stop talking about what he could/should do ... focus on you. How could you reassured him that you would be sticking w/ him ?. He might not be open & honest w/ you if you ever used the info. against him before. Make it safe for him to open up to you.

Could you put your profile ?

good luck -rh-

RH,

I don't post my profile because H will know who I am...want privacy in that regard. What will I do with info I gain? I don't know....depends on what I get and how it makes me feel after some time for reflecting on it.

Thanks for your snoops.

Don't obsess about it? How am I supposed to do that?

Yes he is safe with me...he knows that I am sure.

I want him to admit his A(s) and nothing short of that. He must be accountable for his actions, or it cannot be fixed. How do I get him to open up? Any advice?

Thanks!

lets see...

To offer forgiveness YOU have to know exactly what you ar forgiving...

To ask for forgiveness you need to feel that you have done something that needs forgiving...

you don't have any of the basics to even be anywhere near the forgiving stage....

let that go for now...

search for a recent topic...catching a cheater I believe on this forum..

info on getting cell phone records, keyboard loggers....etc...I didn't read it to be honest but it was not long ago....and it got long...so I's sure there was lots of input in to it...

I left because I couldn't trust him...lipstick, phone calls, etc. I left for another M. I felt our relationship had totally ended....that he didn't care and that I didn't matter.


so your compass on the logic meter was quite a bit off...way off...if we are being truthful...

soo where are you now in what you believe about marriage, vows, honesty and all that other good stuff...
REGARDLESS of what your spouse is or is not doing....
what about you....

what are you doing to repair the damage YOUR affair had and has regardless of spouses doings...

...I love him endlessly.
what have you learned about loving someone endlessly and what are you doing to restore his love for you.
assure him of your honesty
how are you building up his ability to trust you?


I want him to admit his A(s) and nothing short of that. He must be accountable for his actions, or it cannot be fixed. How do I get him to open up? Any advice?

how have you modeled showing accountability for your actions and affair...

and I will tell you a huge huge red flag on your part is you saying you had an affair...because of his actions....
what has changed that he won't just tell you he has/had an affair becuase of your actions...
how does that make him know you are sure...


whose gonna change first here...to illicit changes in the other....

snoop
hire a PI
find that recent post here on catching one...

and shift your focus on what you are doing in this marriage

ark

Great memory, ark^^

Here it is:
Tips to catch a cheater

YEAH Turtlehead...

Ask mr Ark if he thinks that is a good quality...?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

thanks for the link... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
ark

tl,
Don't worry about your profile, I understand. Sometime it is helpfull to see if you have kids or ages of WS/BS .. etc.

Don't hung up on WH has to be open & honest ... he can't right now and you have to let it go and pretend it doesn't exist for now.

You see the desmise of your M doesn't happen overnight so to bring it up to better M than before your A or his can't be done over night either ... it requires a lot of work and PATIENCE.

How do you open him up ? ... get a prove of his A then lay it out to him and tell him that you still want M but he has to end his A and NC w/ OW.

Read also the language of love, it is a good book for "how to open up someone".

-rh-