The more I've involved myself in looking at the A and my M, the more questions I seem to have. Today I'd like to hear from BS and WS on being accountable. I interpet this as being accountable for your actions. As far as I can tell this means owning up to what you've done sincerly and honestly.

I spent the night at home last night instead of helping my brother with some side work. I puttered around watching T.V. then I journaled some. What struck me was the flood of good memories that I had. I sat and was journaling on things about myself that I felt helped my wife fell in love with me. At first I was focusing on traits and things I'd do that I knew she loved. Then my thinking switched to thoughts of her and what I loved about her. I sat and didn't write anything for about a half hour. Then I finished what I was writing with a note that I was upset and would finish later.

I sat and thought on my M and see now some of the ways in which romantic faded in my M. I can look at my M and correlate the gradual loss of romantic love with the gradual rise in marital discord. I know from reading on this site and others that in order for my M to be saved I need to work on getting it into a state of recovery, at least on my side of the fence.

So my questions today are along those lines. With that I'd like to here some comment on Accountability and how you made yourself accountable to your BS or what you felt your WS should have done/said that would've made you feel your WS was holding them selves completely accountable. My personal path has lead me to some self-insight through therapy with a professional. I've been seeing where unresolved childhood issues have impacted my adult life in as far as my M is concerned. When I start accounting for my actions, should I include what I've learned about myself as far as how issues from long ago have shaped my behavior as an adult? It sounds like an excuse, but I feel that these things are legitimate factors to be considered as far as the why of what happened is concerned. So I'd like some comment on accountability and the why of what happened, especially from BS's, how important is the why an A happened to you?

Like I said yesterday, I'm the newbie here and want to be told what I may not want to hear and what I need to hear and if takes a MB 2x4 to get the point accross, so be it.

Thanks,

-2soon

I applaud honesty, as well as individuals who are able to take responsibility for the choices they make in life.

I also believe that how we were raised (and "taught" to behave) shapes us regarding our future choices in life.

As a BS, the WHY of the affair was very important to me.

~Marie

Wise, glad you're hanging around and trying to make it right. I never needed to know the why of the A. My bigger concern is that my W knows the why and how to avoid in future. So as long as you know why and can convince her that you're addressing the issues that should be enough in that area. But for me I need to see genuine remorse. All I get now is justification and it's been 2 years. You will need to be patient as very, very consistent in your words and deeds.

Walking

As a BS it was (and continues to be) extremely important to me to know why the A occurred.

I recently created a post asking "Could a separation help?" because even after two years I don't know why the A happened. I don't know how I contributed and I don't know how to fix my part in it. I'm getting exhausted from this and consdering giving up even though now the OW is long gone and on the surface things are smooth sailing.

You may be a newbie, but I certainly enjoy your posts.

Originally posted by wise2soon:

My personal path has lead me to some self-insight through therapy with a professional. So I'd like some comment on accountability and the why of what happened, especially from BS's, how important is the why an A happened to you?

The recovery process is layered.

The most amazing personal self-discovery for me as a BS was how lazy and habitual I had become in our marriage. My eyes had been closed. My mind was elsewhere. My priorities had drifted off to other aspects of my life.

I am accountable for those pre-A conditions to which I contributed.

I held my H accountable for his affair, his drinking, and his spending all of our discretionary income .... but I held myself accountable for not noticing signs that, in retrospect, were nothing short of blaring air horns and flashing neon.

By the way, we are 8 years recovered, and we are enjoying a fabulous relationship and renewed love.

and .... my eyes are open.

Pep