Last night, H told me that he was upset because our S hadn't finished his homework before dinner, and H wasn't aware of that fact.... He then asked why I couldn't tell him. I explained that S had wanted to read for his book report, and that I was planning to have him finish his homework when H was out shoveling snow. I told H I feel intimidated by saying anything, so I am looking forward to going through the structured approach to problem-solving through MB...A year ago, H yelled at me about my disciplining of our one year old D, and that D had a nightmare that night. That did it. Since then, I have been very hands-off when H is home. H's perspective is excuses, excuses, excuses.

Well, H then said when does MB problem-solving start? I said February 2. He said we need to talk through things even with anger and hurt. I said I'm done with anger and hurt. I don't understand why conflict needs to be resolved in a hurtful manner. I ended up leaving when he made a nasty remark about how I am using this program as an excuse to not do anything in the meantime.

So much for our planned hour of enjoyment after the kids go to bed... Could I have handled this in a better way? What am I missing?

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 08:49 AM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>

broken heart and arm,

oh boy .. You can't teach us, it never works, but you can train us <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . You can't just gave up on displining your kids when he is around, you taker is taking over. You have to be honest and try to keep communication open.

ReRead POJA. Yes, you two need to resolve this but when there is anger and finger pointing happen ... walk away and set time to talk again.

One suggestion. When that happen again, make sure both of you agree to talk again after thing cools down. e.g "Why don't we talk about this tonight before we go to bed ?". Don't let it hanging, close it like a good saleman, get a commitment to talk again (time&place). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

-rh-

BH&A,

It sounds like you did a good job in answering your H's concern about S's unfinished homework. I think you also did a good job in letting your H know that you were intimidated. Of course, we weren't there so we don't know the words you used or the tone you took, but if you did it calmly and matter-of-factly then that's a good job of being assertive and stating your feelings honestly.

His tone (nasty) was uncalled for and his statement that you are just making up excuses to not work on things was a DJ in my opinion, but if you can get past the way he said that and focus on the meaning behind his words and tone, perhaps that will help.

Maybe it's nothing more than a desire to do something NOW in which case his impatience around waiting until Feb 2 to learn MB problem-solving techniques is a good thing. He's wanting something to happen! He's on board!

OTOH maybe he's just feeling guilty so turning the tables and trying to shift blame to you.

If you can find it in yourself to remain calm under attack (hard to do, I know, esp. with the history you two have) and give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps you could say something like:
"I'm disappointed that you interpret my attempts to protect myself from verbal attack as an excuse and an effort to avoid the issues. I can see how my attitude would be frustrating to you. I, too, want to work this out without delay and I'm encouraged that you seem to feel the same way. What suggestions do you have for us to get started now, without having to wait for the MB problem-solving, that would ensure my emotional safety?"

I guess what I'm saying is try to hear what is behind his ugly attitude, and try to align yourselves to address whatever he's afraid of/angry at.

I'll be honest, though, I don't know how realistic this is in your situation. Your H is a volatile guy and you might be wiser just to keep waiting for a structured approach. It's "only" one more week (an eternity, I know...)

Well, last night, my H told me he is working on not being nasty, and today in IC, the counselor told me that she thinks I have never placed value on my (or other people's) feelings because that's how I was brought up. Feelings just plain didn't matter. I was told what to do based on reasonable judgment. She suggested I focus on valuing his feelings (turtlehead: what you are saying lines up very much with what the IC is saying) and not get drawn into an argument based on reasonableness. So, maybe what I am missing is that THE issue is feelings. Still somewhat confused. I'm eager for these lessons out of the MB weekend.

<small>[ January 28, 2004, 06:30 PM: Message edited by: broken heart and arm ]</small>