You know, sometimes I have wondered if my husband is really just upset about the fact that the man he stole a girl from did something back to him. But, then I think, "No, he is truly loves me and is really hurting." No matter why he is upset, angry or hurting, he is having these feelings because I over stepped our guidelines. It is my fault. He took off his wedding band the day he found out and has not put it back on. He says he loves me and is going to try his best, give it 100% for us to make it through this. But, he is not sure yet he will be able to handle it. So, when he is %100 sure we will be together forever and have made it through all of this, he will then put his ring back on. So, I have been wearing his ring on my finger every day since. And I will keep it on for us, until he's ready to have it back.
And another thing, tell me what you think of this.. I have trouble thinking of what I did with the OM as an AFFAIR. To me it wasn't. I don't know what to think. Help again, please...

I dont see any change or hurt in him, everyone is acting like nothing has happened, There is
NOTHING wrong with what either of you are doing as long as you both agree. He seems like he has gotten over this, still wanting the 3some, flirting etc. you both are grown, dont know the ages but is would guess mid 30's by what you are saying. A lot of adults do this type of stuff.
some dont its a choice, dont feel bad. Your husband does not seem to be mad at the other person. I cant see a problem unless he has told you something else

Hello,

I am a little unclear. Did the OM tell your husband before you did and is this how he found out?

Hello again,

Did you use protection with the OM? If not, then it extremely important that you be checked. You would not wish to pass on anything to your husband.

TO: GBl and Bryan
I am 34 and he is 41. Yes, he is mad at the OM. But, more at me. I am his spouse, not the OM. I am the one with the obligation to him. Noone else is. No, he has not told me anything else. This is the whole story.
Yes, we both have been medically checked and are ok.
He had his suspicions, so he taped my phone calls and heard a call I made to my bestfriend, telling her about what I had did with the OM. That is how he found out.
I work 3 12hour shifts a week and today is the start of my week. I will not be able to get back online for a few days. But, please, everyone, keep sending me your thoughts and ideas. I appreciate them all. I need it. I love my husband and I want us to get over this soon. He is my life and my world. He is everything to me. I just want us back to the way we were. Thanks again and keep the letters coming. I will check them as soon as I can. And I will read them all closely and take all to heart. DKM

I have a hard time with the husband is mad stuff, he still wants you to be in a 3some.
you still do all the other stuff as before.
I really think he is mad because he didnt get to watch. Does he and the other guy talk, have they and what come of it if they did. sounds like he was eating his cake all by himself and someone got a bite and now he is barking. I really cant see why he is so mad, sure you cheated, but he was wanting to see you with someone else. he has no problems with you now, how long ago did this go on, did he ever ask you to leave. no, he likes and enjoys whats going on. I told you you were mid 30's.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> When we go to his family's house, he wants me toflirt with his cousin, Brian. I even pulled Brian's shirt up one day looked at his stomach. I have danced sexy with Brian at our house. All because my husband liked it. I didn't like it. But, I like doing what he likes. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This seems to me to be a clear violation of the POJA. In my opinion, you have a lot better instincts on this issue than your H. If you don't like it, don't do it. This is sort of edging up to the threesome issue.

Threesomes are a bad idea, period. When you are involved in a threesome, one of two things happens, both of them bad. Either you:
1. Learn to have sex without any emotional involvement.
or
2. Get emotionally involved with someone other than your spouse.

Neither of those is good for your marriage.

Okay if he is a counselor then he is guilty of sexual abuse....that's right sexual abuse.

Sex abuse is any sexual activity that is unwanted or is submitted to under pressure on a regular basis.

He has asked you to do sexual things that you clearly don't want to and he has asked on a regular basis.

Secondly as a counselor he should know how unacceptable it is to "objectify" a woman. This is what leads to domestic violence in the home, sexual harrassment in the workplace and sexual abuse/rape as well.

He of all people should know the dangers of love triangles and the impications they carry with them.

I do think your husband is strange. I also am concerned about you. Women in general that allow themselves to become objectified often have either a past history of abuse or a current abusive relationship.

What your husband is wanting is not mentally healthy for either of you. And it could be putting both of your personal health at risk what with the prospect of unprotected sex.

<small>[ January 28, 2004, 11:59 AM: Message edited by: stunned-dad-fast recovering ]</small>

Hi everyone. I really don't have time to right now. And can't think good right now. Kids playing all around me. But, wanted to let you all know. That I am still needing your help and advice. I will be able to be on here more tomorrow. Just wanted to check in. My husband and I keep having our ups and downs. Alot of them. But, we are trying to work through this. It is so painful and sad. What a terrible mistake I made. No excuses. I did what I did. I really hate myself for it. I have messed up so much. More than you can imagine. I am trying so hard to help my husband heal. He needs it and deserves it. And I will do all I can. But then, when and if he heals, I am going to need help. I don't know if I can live with myself knowing I did that terrible act. It is dusgusting me. The pain sometimes feels unbearable. How could I hurt someone I love so much and most importantly, someone who loves me like my husband does. I just down right, must a terrible, mean, awful, ugly person inside. My husband deserves better than me. And still today, he held me close and kissed me said, "You are still my babydoll, my heart-throb, my world and my life." But, then, sometimes he gets realy angry and tells me how he feels then. Which I can understand his up and downs. He says he just needs me to be supportive when he is having a down moment and gets angry. I try so hard. Will this ever get better? Will both ever heal? I pray for the day, if it can happen, that we are back to our normal lives, being happy, being us, and not having to think about all this garbage. I pray for that day to come again. Is it possible that it will? Can I have hope? There is not a day that has gone by in the past 3 weeks that I have not cried. And I mean, cry really really hard. To the point that I am sick. I swear I hurt more than he does. Because, I hurt that I hurt him and us. He only has the hurt that I hurt him. He didn't hurt me. How lucky he is. Gotta go now. I have another topic about this stuff I'd like to talk about. But, will probably do it tomorrow. It will be to all you men, who's wives have cheated on you. So, please try to be here to help. Thanks to all of you.

"... many times, my husband has asked me to pick any guy I want to have sex with. He wanted to watch or wanted me to tell him all about it. He said it would turn him on."

"We have a web cam. My husband likes for me to get on there and have ciber sex with other guys."

Yet you say that having sex with OM caused your hubby incredible hurt?

What am I missing here? Your hubby can't possibly be hurt about the sex act, since he's been encouraging this type behavior. Sorry if I seem rude, but are you an honest poster?

IMHO this board is for people living a MONOGAMOUS lifestyle. I think your more open marriage might be better served by one of the many "swinger" websites, where those into that lifestyle can best instruct the two of you how to respectfully and lovingly live the swinging life, and avoid future conflicts/miscommunications like you just had.

Best of luck!

I have to agree with doofus.. I'm sorry but I dont understand what you are crying about?? I'm sure maybe you feel used but your husband encouraged you in the first place.. and you didnt cheat on him emotionally..you didnt fall in love with the OM did you? It sounds as if he has forgiven you and really I'm wonderng why you are dwelling on this and crying so much over it. You are one of the lucky ones..that is as long as you used protection and didnt get an STD..

Sharing you with another man is something beyond this board I believe.. and the fact he wanted that with you makes him a little more than strange to most of us here I'm afraid.

I too share a concern that you are being used. Is that why you are crying so much? Step back and take a look at the whole picture and ask yourself if this is the kind of treatment you deserve. I think he is the problem but if you go along with it you are allowing him to objectify you and make you his sexual pawn. Theres just something not right about that to my mind.. I'm sorry and dont mean to be harsh but thats how I am seeing this situation..

I do wish you luck. I hope you can find your self respect along the way.

Thinking of you,
Lori

Hi all, thanks for the letters. I've been thinking about them all. I am getting more and more confused. Sometimes, I don't even know how I feel anymore. What's wrong? What's right? Who's wrong? Who's right? My husband is treating this as a flat out affair/infidelity. He is making me account for every second of my time. He is having his mood swings. So on and so on, you know, all the feelings people experience when their spouse has an affair on them. So, I am trying to be very understanding and go along with him. I love him with all of my heart. But, then sometimes, I think, "He pushed me to it." He has even told me just a few days ago that he can't say he wouldn't have let me have sex with another man and then tell him about it. What kind of thinking is that? I have always been hurt by his ways on that subject. I feel a man should want his wife only for her and for no reason would he want her to do anything at all with someone else. I guess sometimes, I started feeling emotionally detached during our "private times" becuase he would talk about doing stuff with other people most of the time. I had told him it bothered me. But, he would explain what he meant, then he would have me thinking, "ok then, if that is what it is about, i understand." When I start feeling angry at him about all of this, and I tell him. He gets all upset and says, "The bottom line is you had sex with someone else and that is that." He says I might have reasons that pushed me to it, but that is no excuse. Reasons or not, I should have not done that. I choose my own actions. Stuff like that. So, then he has me questioning myself and wondering again. And then I apologize to him for getting upset and being mad at him and not supporting him through this terrible time. And again I feel like I am a terrible person for what I did and I deserve everything he puts me through. Just like the articles say about a spouse having an affair. I do all those things I should to help him through it. I am so confused and messed up. Please help... I do agree with my husband, I choose my own actions. And I wish I had never chose that one. However, I feel I was so mentally/sexually messed up at the time. I look back at that time and I can not believe I did it. Especially not with the one I did it with. So embarrased. I hope no one else in his family ever finds out. Most of the time when I think about what I did, I can not stand myself. And when I think about how bad I betrayed my marriage, I wonder if I can handle all of this myself. I am working so hard to get my husband through this and to make him feel secure again and to let him know we have a wonderful life and marriage and that I am so happy with him. But, sometimes I wonder if I am going to be able to heal from all this myself. I broke a major wedding vow. And at times, when my husband is questioning me about my every second, and stuff like that, I feel like I am being pushed away from him. Do you know what I mean? Like all of this stuff is pushing me away and maybe we would all be better if we just separated. Sometimes, I get so hurt by it all and frustrated, I just wonder those things. But, more than anything, I want to keep my marriage together and spend the rest of my life with my husband. But, do you all think, that maybe someday, if all this continues, that no matter what I want, if someday, I decide I can't take it anymore. Is it possible wheather I want to or not, my feelings could change, do to all the stress and pain and hurt and frustration? I'll try my hardest not to let that happen. I want more than anything to stay together. But, I am so confused now a days that I am starting to question if the sky is up and the ocean down. I'm sorry. This must have been real confusing. Going from one thing to another and back. But, that is how my mind is going these days. My husband still has not put his wedding ring back on. I have been wearing it every day. And this is hurting me so much. He says when he feels like he is going to be able to make it through this and he knows in his heart that he is not going to leave, he will then put it back on. He took it off the day he found out. Sometimes, I feel like getting angry at him for it. But, then I realize, I can't. I am the one who caused him to feel the need to take it off. I deserve what ever I get. He is the one who got hurt and betrayed and it was by me. He is being really good to me. He has been writing me real sweet nice little notes and leaving them all over the place. He called me today and his first words were, "How is my Hearthrob?" He tells me all the time that I am everything to him and he will love me for the rest of his life. He doing lots of sweet little things for me. So, see, he really is trying.
And to totally change the subject to a previous issue: About him taking advantage of me and making me feel used sexually. Yes, I told him the things he talked about wanting me to do bothered me. But, then I would tell him I liked it. Because I knew he liked the thought of it all so much. That I did not want to turn him off. I wanted to please him in every way. So, if he knew I didn't like it, he would not have done it. So, I went along with it all (all the fantasies), so he would continue to enjoy it all with me. So, he can't be totally to blame for all that. When I would talk about it all bothering me, he would help me feel better about it all. So, I would say, "OK, honey, I understand. So, I do like it too. Let's keep doing it." Well, anyways. I should go now. Thanks to all for your help. PLEASE, keep helping.

He knows about the site. And I have told him about this forum. However, he understands that this discussion forum is something I am doing to try to find ways to help us and for me to vent. He respects that. Thanks for the reply

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My husband is treating this as a flat out affair/infidelity. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am sorry but your husband is a POS.

He reduces to sex object....and yes you have been reduced when you do things sexually that are outside the norm and do so because your husband wants you to then he has reduced you to a sex object. Don't believe me then look at the username you selected...babydoll...a male orientated sexual name aimed at promoting a sexual response.

Secondly he then encourages you to basically have affairs or at least outside sex. Threesomes, cybersex, peeping tom sex etc.

He doesn't value you as a person. He merely values as a sexual object.

His statement that this is a cut and dry affair also shows he is poorly qualified to be a counselor. In fact it scares me this man has a degree/license in the first place.

I am going to cut to the chase you are being sexually abused whether you realize it or not. I suspect you already had a history of sex abuse. I suspect your husband knew this and has continued to condition you even further to do male sexual biddings.

I think he is a sick puppy that needs to be nuetered......not sure if he even deserves to be put to sleep during the procedure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

You can be as liberal as you want sexually but its still abuse when you do things you don't want to.

Babydoll would you want someone treating your sister, niece, daughter, mother, aunt etc in the same sexual exploitive nature as your husband treats you? How would you feel if you found out your daughter's or niece's boyfriend wanted to film her with a webcam then broadcast that? Or wanted her to be a part of a threesome? Or encouraged her to have sex with other men while he watched?

What's next for your husband....money gets a little tight will he ask you do a for tricks to help out the bank account?

Sick, sick, sick...somebody give me a dull rusty knife I have a rectal vasectomy to perform on one sick puppy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

<small>[ February 05, 2004, 07:08 AM: Message edited by: stunned-dad-fast recovering ]</small>

BD

sorry for the post.... I am sure it won't be the last time I have been wrong.
H

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 10:57 PM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

Hiker, you are so wrong. I am not getting any pleasure from any of this. I am sorry you feel that way. I am only here to get help and advise from other people. And I am be totally honest about the entire event, so everyone is clear of the real picture. Therefore, I feel if it is all clear and all out in the open, anyone who wishes to try to help me can do the best they can with what the know. I'm not hiding anything here for hopes of only to get all the best advise and help I can get.
Thanks for your reply anyways.

BD

I guess the picture was too clear for me...beyond my comprehension. I think that the help you need goes beyond this board. You can get love and support here and hopefully direction. The encounters you have shared with us and the treatment by your husband require more thsn this forum. I hope you will actively seek the professional help that I believe both you and your husband need.

You state thet you need to "vent" but to me it doesn't seem like venting except that you are remorseful for your actions. Before I "fly off the handle" again my understanding is that your husband either directly or indirectly encouraged you into this affair and once it took place he then is saying "No I really didn't mean that" (or words/actions to that effect).
I see this as "crazy making" and instead of being confused you should be angry. Sorry I am not much help here. I would like to be but this is beyond anything that I can offer. I do hope you can get the help you need.
H

<small>[ February 08, 2004, 11:22 PM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

Hiker,
Thanks, you really have helped me. You might not understand how you have helped, but you have. Thanks again.
BD

BD

I agree with Hiker you need professional help...not because of yourself entirely but because of the situation you are corrently in.

I sincerely hope you realize that what your husband wanted and had you do was not within the normal sexual norms for most healthy adults.

Furthermore given his background as a trained counselor I am even more concerned for you.