I need some help with H because of the way he is starting to communicate his feelings with me...

ex: A few minutes ago he was on the phone at a supply house. He said let me go I'll call you back...I said "What are you doing? He says, "nothing". (ok my "what's going on radar" kicks in because everytime he's in the warehouse he has to hurry and get off the phone.

Someone in the back ground makes a comment to him about being on the phone everytime he goes in there. Now, mind you I just got home from having the car fixed and was trying to let him know what happened.

This guy makes a comment about him being on the phone, I say, "oh he's just jealous cause you're so adorable". He puts it on speaker phone and I say it again...so of course the guy says "who is that your wife or your mistress?" He says it's my wife, and the guy says "that's not what you said last time you were in here talking to someone on the phone"

I say, "oh he just doesn't know how not funny that is" (no biggy to me..just an uncomfortable moment).

H gets all mad. Tells me, "I gotta go now. I'll call you back later"

He calls me back and he's p'd. I say, "what's wrong?" He says, "why didn't you get off the phone (he talking loudly) when I asked you? I knew something like that was going to happen. I didn't want you to get upset or hurt over it"

OK, I can understand that, but why is he so mad AT ME!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

I tried to explain it to him, that I was feeling weird about the fact that he always does that when he goes into the warehouse, and it makes me feel uncomfortable, he got madder!

I said, "well if you didn't have anything to hide why didn't you just explain that to me before?"

He says, "I just didn't know how to articulate it." I'm like, ok fine...but why are you so upset....

he says...."Because you wouldn't get off the phone..." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> WHAT ???????

My question is: I tried to get him to understand that being open and honest does not mean he is permitted to yell at me...he says he's just being open and honest...ok..you can't do that without shouting.

The only two emotions he seem to be able to express are anger and aggravation. "You are allowed to be angry, or aggravated but please not to yell and especially yell over top of me when I'm trying to talk, it hurts me when you do that". I've told him that a zillion times. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

How else can I communicate that to him, I need some other ideas...Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help him learn to communicate more effectly?

I think he just doesn't know how to express himself, period. He's just never done it. Now that he's trying I don't want to discourage him, or stifle that small step for him. But it's so hurtful when he yells at me or overtop of me when I'm trying to talk.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to help him learn to communicate more effectly?

Does he WANT help on how to learn to communicate more effectively? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

A great book is
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0399521372/qid=1075224087/sr=1-2/ref=sr_1_2/103-2502297-8247832?v=glance&s=books" target="_blank">We Can Work It Out: How to Solve Conflicts, Save Your Marriage, and Strengthen Your Love for Each Other
by Clifford Notarius, Clifford I. Notarius, Howard J. Markman (Editor</a>

It seems to be very much in line with MB principles too, even using some of the same terms.

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 11:28 AM: Message edited by: Chris -CA123 ]</small>

Chris,

thanx for the response...

Yes I think he does. He sounds frustrated when we discuss it later on. It seems by the way he says it that he wishes he could communicate better.

Like when I said that about "why didn't you tell me before that the reason you didn't want to talk to me when you where in the warehouse was that you were afraid someone would say something off color and upset me or hurt me?

He says, "I didn't know how to articulate it"

So I believe that he is open to the thought/possibility of learning how to communicate more efficently. And certainly more effectively.

That sounds like a good book...I'll have to check into it. I know that I need to learn how just as much, if not more, then he does.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Any short term suggestions..at least until I can get the book..??

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

If he is shouting or getting angry, then simply say, "I cannot speak tyo you when you are shouting/angry. I will talk wiht you later about this."

Click...

He'll get the message pretty quick.

Margue,

Here's what I found from the concepts section:

" If you reach an impasse and you do not seem to be getting anywhere, or if one of you is starting to make demands, show disrespect or become angry, stop negotiating and come back to the issue later."

What do you think about those comments?

L.

Chris, Orchid,

thanx for the replys... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If he is shouting or getting angry, then simply say, "I cannot speak tyo you when you are shouting/angry. I will talk wiht you later about this." Click... He'll get the message pretty quick.

I've done this and he gets sooo mad... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

I'm just wondering what I can do to defuse the situation. It seemed that no matter how hard I try to explain that I wasn't upset or hurt (yesterday) he just couldn't seem to get over it. And when I brought it up later to try to discuss it, he got mad again. So I just dropped it.

" If you reach an impasse and you do not seem to be getting anywhere, or if one of you is starting to make demands, show disrespect or become angry, stop negotiating and come back to the issue later."

I understand what you're saying, but we weren't negotiating. We were trying to clear up a misunderstanding. And he got mad because he can't articulate his feelings and so I have no clue what's really going on. And sometimes under some circumstances it makes me uncomfortable because I feel he's trying to hide something.

Or at the very least, revert back to previous behavior of non-communication of his true feelings.

I'm trying so hard not to make it unsafe for him to be open and honest, but it seems the only time he can be open and honest is when he's angry/aggravated... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I keep calm, my voice is soft, no yelling, and he just keeps on.

How in the world do you defuse it at the beginning? And I'm not even sure he's angry with me...just angry about the situation.

He called back later, (I wouldn't answer the phone because I didn't want it to get any worse. So I went and took a nap.) He left a message, "hey baby, I'm so sorry I got aggravated earlier, it'll be ok, we'll work through it. We'll talk about it when I get home".

We didn't..we had company and went to bed afterwards. Nothing was said and I'm afraid to bring it up again.

Hi margue! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It has been a while since you have posted. That must be a good sign...huh?

We didn't..we had company and went to bed afterwards. Nothing was said and I'm afraid to bring it up again.

Can you bring it back up in a roundabout way? Like....hearing the sweet message he left for you on the machine made you smile...or you love listening to his voice on the machine...?

Try and make it "safe" for him. You might have to soothe him into talking about it. I actually find that a small compliment...or a touching remark is prone to get me to open up without any defensiveness.

It's something to try at least...Good Luck!

committed