I just read a post by Drucilla: The man never knew my feelings, but it made me think of all that was missing from my M, and was the catalyst for me asking for a D. I knew I'd probably never be with that man, but it made me want MORE; made me want to get out of my M, while I was young enough to meet someone else. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">. This is exactly where I am. While married 15 years, I have found that having these crushes (3 total) has managed to keep me going mentally. I never acted on them. Just enjoyed the idea of admiring someone. Imagining what could be in a relationship. They came and went. I find now that another crush has arisen, however, this time I am in a place that I am also contemplating splitting up with my husband. The two things are really not connected, in my opinion. I feel that if I do end up apart, there are other fish in the sea and, I might like to be by myself for a very long time. So my question is, am I a total mess thinking like that? Or is this a normal outcome of an unhappy marriage?

Oops. Sorry for the weak formatting...I'll try to do better next time.

Hi iMaccami,

I don't know if mild "crushes" are common or normal in a marriage but I certainly have them as well. They are fleeting, fun, certainly never acted on. They are pure fantasy and I recognize them as such. The other person doesn't even need to know my name. Kind of like a childhood crush on a movie star. Just fun, dreamy.

I can't imagine any M that would keep you from ever being attracted to other people. Humans are just wired to be attracted to one another. Thus, I don't think your M is necessarily a bad one, and I certainly don't think you could judge whether another M would be better or worse based on the fact that you have these occasional crushes.

What I suggest, instead, is that you do some reading and some serious introspection and try to determine exactly why you are considering splitting from your H. Figure out how to discuss this with him, and see if you two can't work things out so that they are non-issues. Maybe there are problems that need to be addressed, or maybe you've just gotten into a rut and desire a change. Figure out what the "something MORE" is that you're craving, and give your H an opportunity to provide that for you within the context of your current M.

If you go into another M without knowing why you became dissatisfied with this one (and without having tried to fix it) then you'll just find yourself dissatisfied in the next one too, and without having developed the skills necessary to address dissatisfactions in an M.

Your crushes are connected to your desire to leave your marriage because they have a common cause - unresolved problems in your marriage. It may seem streange, because you have never had an actual affair, but I highly recommend you read "Survivng an Affair" by Willard Harley. It will show you what was lacking in your marriage that caused you to have tose crushes, and how to repair your marriage so that you won't even want to divorce. It sounds incredible, but my wife was where you are several years before her affair started. She did not believe in divorce, and just suffered in a bad marriage, never resolving our problems, or even telling me about them, and going from crush to crush, until one of them reciprocated. If we had known then what we know now, we would have recognized the crushes as a symptom of resolvable marital problems, and been able to resolve them with the tools Harley provides in SAA.

Thank you for the feedback. I was kind of feeling like Ithe crushes were adding to my troubles...not that I could really control them. The reason for the dissatisfaction is constant criticism, yelling at me, namecalling, and just an overall attitude of being a parent instead of a partner. I think what it is I’m really seeking is for permission to move on. I am coming to the realization that I am feeling very guilty to make such a decision. Part of me is feeling like, I made the committment and I should carry it out to the end. But I try to step back and ask myself, what would I advise a friend, or my own child, to do in this situation? Then I see that it’s not right to limit my life to just serve the desires of another. I have told him how confused I am. Why I’m not happy. That I’m not sure we should be together. He read the books and knows he’s a jerk. He does not want to split and has even said, “do you think I will let you leave me?” This is the type of comment which tells me he’s the same person who is capable of threatening me, smothering me, degrading me. But I still feel responsible for his life. I actually wish that we could buy the house next door so the kids and he would be less put out by the changes. I want to keep everything the same - except the him and me married part. I thought about trying to make it work but the thought of being physical etc. makes me just think, no way. I’m stuck. Part of me is hoping eventually he’ll just say to heck with you. We're not fighting anymore. He's trying to be good now that he knows I'm almost done. If it were his decision to split, l would feel much better. Is that manipulative? Is it better to just say it's over? Presently I'm just sort of room mates and am with him because he has made it clear he wants us to be together. What to do?

I don't get it.

He's read the books. You say "he knows he's a jerk" so he must see some ways he can quit LBing or meet your ENs better. He doesn't want you to leave him, so why isn't he changing?

Maybe he doesn't feel like his ENs are being met either. A normal attitude is "Why should I bend over backwards making HER happy when she never...." If you change yourself first to meet his ENs then you free him to meet yours.

Could that be what's going on?

He is changing. Sorry if I didn't make that clear. The problem is me. I have spent so long mumbling F* you under my breath (once or twice a day at least) when he still was a big jerk and fell out of love so long ago, I no longer have a loving feeling for him. I feel more like he's a relative from my side of the family. The dilema is how can you force feeling something you don't feel. It's been so long since I did see him that way that actually, I can't remember when it was....probably before or at about the time my first son was born. Since then he has put me through way too much crap. I know its probably my fault for putting up with it. When he was screaming I was trying to shut him up by not resonding (due to kids). Then the resentment was so compounded, day after day....I lost myself somewhere. Now that I think I'm finding me again I don't want to go back to that ever again. He has had everything his way all these years. Be an *hole, scream, yell, threaten, never apologize and then now he thinks he will just turn it around in a day, say sorry, oops, your're right, I was a jerk, now let's just forget it and move on. Well, I'm too hurt. And really, I don't have any physical attraction to him anymore, at all, whatsoever. I can be very civil, even friendly, but not loving and affectionate. That part of me is reserved for someone who deserves it and right now that's only my kids. I feel better now.

Get into counseling with Steve or Jenn. They specialize in restoring feelings of love. That is what the whole MB program is about. Even works for people who never had those feelings to begin with. They will not let him off the hook on his behavior, either.