okay, I am reviewing the events leading up to my wife's moving out. I believe that she reached a point where not talking to the OM was too much, I was too depressed and overbearing, so she went to him, convinced him that it was him that she wanted and more or less made a committment to him and now is trying to live up to that commitment.

Okay, here are the events:

On June 20, wife sends this email after I complain (pretty much was what I did) about her not having affection towards me and me questioning if she still talks to OM.
To OM:

"Randy, I am sending you this email to let you know that I have decided that continuing to talk with you is hampering my relationship with solon. I wantto be with solon because i love him and i am willing to give my all to make it work. I hope that you understand. if fact, you told me that since u were my friend, u would accept what ever decision I made. and u have stood up to ur word. when i told u a while back that i watned to work on my marriage- u understood and stepped aside. but our keeping in contact has made it difficult for me to do so. iam cc'ng solon this email so that he will knw whats going on. please do not reply to this email, pls do not call me. pls understand."

Wow! Reading that now is amazing. This is what she wrote to him. Okay. Shortly after that she sends me this email:

"Now that I sent the email- I will not talk with randy anymore. we will work on this marriage. this is what HAS to happen for now:
1) i do not want to move out of state
2) I do not want to have kids right now
3) we will not have sex until I am ready
4)i haev broken it off with randy so I don't want to hear you say his name anymore
5)i am an adult adn i have the right to go, say, eat whatever it maybe as i please
6) you will stop putting our business out in the street
7) u will continue to take ur depression medication
8) that is all i can think of right now, but if I think of anything else I will let you know

if our marriage does not work after THIS, then we can BOTH say we tried.

also, don't expect me to be all happy go luck, because I just lost my best friend (randy)

Okay. Hmmm. I just had the feeling that she probably bc'd him on this email. I will tell you why in a minute. Right after this email, comes this email:

I just thought of another thing.

9)you will not talk on the phone to any women unless its work related
10) since u gave me your passwords, here are mine

she gives me her passwords to her phone, email, etc.

Now that was on June 20 of this year. Obviously, I was very happy. About fifteen days later I find messages between him and her on her cell phone. I get upset. She tells me she does not love me. In an exchange of emails I tell her that I should be the one hurt and upset because she does not kiss me, touch me, or show me any love. She just says she does not love me and she's moving out. Later that night she comes home very late (I thought she was not coming home at all). the next day I find the printed email of me saying that she does not kiss me and the like in her car. I believe she went to him, told him she really wanted him and gave the email as proof that we had not been intimate. Looking back, I believe that she might have bc'd the rule letter that she gave me to him. She probably told him that if he does not follow these rules I am coming back to you, or something like that.

What do you all think? But, if she did not, it seems as though she was sincere. But she could not have been sincere considering that only a week or so went by and she was talking to him, then concluded that she was moving out.

What do you guys make of this??

Solon,

I'm new so may not be too helpful, however, I have some of the same issues your wife has on her "to do" list...I really think that you need to allow her to see what it's like on her own. It's a shame she is committing to someone else instead of getting to know herself better. It would be really supportive on your part to let her know you care about her and know she's hurt and you're even willing to support her separation with you - however you also would like to try counseling to see if you might be able to get back together. You must know if she's manipulative enough to have faked that e-mail for OM benefit???? Assuming she was sincere, it's possible she will rethink stuff. I don't know if it's a good idea to recommend not living with OM but on her own (?) may also sound controlling.....that's all I can think of. I hope you're able to get back your tight knittedness. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Solon,

What do you expect to come from analyzing an e-mail that your WW composed more than 6 months ago?

My WH said a few things in the beginning to me too that sounded so hopeful but that is the past and he is no longer here working on our marriage,neither is your WW so that should speak volumes,does it not?

If I may say so gently,I think based on your posts lately that your energies are being expended in the wrong direction.Why rehash an e-mail from the past,look at the present and deal with that.

What are you doing to divert your mind?? You are almost obsessing with this mess you are in.Sorry but that's just the nuthouse I would want to stay away from.

O

I agree that what they say is meaningless. What they do is what counts.

Her list of conditions is quite amusing. She has lots of requirements for you, plenty of conditions on your behavior, but she obligates herself to little of anything substantive.

Just my 2 cents.

Solon ... How are u my friend? I'm sorry I have not been on in a long while.. it has been a stressful and long couple of months .. I'll check back in a little while and see how things are .. I'll try and read back a little to see how things have been going ... I'm also going to update my own too let people know how things are,,, L&C

<small>[ February 05, 2004, 09:23 PM: Message edited by: Lost&Confussed ]</small>

solon,

I can tell you one thing I do sense....she finds you very "controlling". Has she described you that way? Is that word she uses? Wives who feel that way...talk and act like yours. They also leave like yours. And demonstrating that you are not controlling...is really difficult when you are trying to get them to come home...it's a catch 22.

I will tell you. You will never understand why things such as this happens. Your wife/ex was very much more clear in her 'demands' than mine. And you know, it is funny, but I realize now that she didn't even know what it was that was the problem. Everything was me, and I should act and feel in a vacuum concerning her. NOTHING she did should affect me, but EVERYTHING I did was directed specifically at her. ESPECIALLY if it could in any way be taken negative.

I went through what you are doing now. I know how hurtful it is to not understand. How realizing that the other person's sense of reality is so completely different than your own. It is still hard to take. To believe that the other person can ACTUALLY think the things that they are and have stated. But then I look back on my marriage, and I always made excuses for what she thought and did. She said she used to 'excuse' my behavior. But then again, she said she thought I was doing EVERYTHING (bad) that she was actually doing, ie affairs, planning to divorce, etc..

I have no real analysis of your letters. I think that perhaps the best thing to do is to learn to accept the fact that you will probably never understand why things happened. They are so complex, and yet so simple. At some point we stopped being the persons our wives wanted to be with. Be that through circumstance of our behavior or changes in their desires. Rather than help us understand, they both decided to search elsewhere. The base character of them both allowed this to not only be a viable option, but the 'correct' option for them.

It is a foreign concept, but I believe it to be true.

I would recommend NOT rereading those emails however. I would recommend NOT trying to figure it out, because you will be sorely lacking in your attempts. About 3 or 4 months ago, I reread some emails she had written to one of her men. She stated that she didn't know how her relationship (with him) would progress, but she hoped it would get her through the next 2 years. She was planning on leaving me after I finished my training, because she thought she would get half of everything I earned from that point on.

In some ways, I wish I had never read that letter again. I hadn't noticed this intermixed with all the 'sex' of the letter. But now, it dominates the letters significance for me. To know that she was planning this, but I 'screwed' up her plans by finding out beforehand. There are so many things I wish I did not know.

All I wish I knew was that I loved my wife with all my heart and she chose to repeatedly commit adultery and then abandon me. I wish I didn't know one stitch more than that fact.

Dear Solon.
This has been going on for such a long time!

Your wife has such control of your emotions, your own well-being seems to be up to how she reacts.

Not good.

You cannot hold her to what she wrote in an e-mail 6 months ago. That was just a passing moment for her; her intentions were not sincere.

Is it your pride that hurts the most?
How can you want her SO MUCH when she treats you like she does?
She has you so wrapped around her finger.
She is off screwing someone else and you beg her to come home.
I know the feeling of rejection is huge!

Stop obsessing about what could have been, Solon.

You need to get your pride and self-esteem back.
This will be much more attactive to your wife then being a doormat to her wandering lifestyle.
You have chased her long enough; maybe if you stop she will come to you!

I don't know what the others here think, but to me, you seem to be a big candidate to follow exactly the Plan B Plan!

Advice from others here for Solon, please.
Sincerely, Julie

P.S. Formerly Confused, I am sorry for the pain your wife caused you. What a shame life has to have these heartaches; I hope by now you are feeling 'heartease' and can let it go.
Sometimes there is just nothing we can do but go on with our lives, the best we can .

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 06:47 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

Formerly Confused, what you say is so true. But in my travels, I truely believe, some people just need to move on no matter what. Maybe the saying "nothing lasts forever" is true.