My H of 19 years is having an A with a 25-yr-old with no signs of it slowing anytime soon, though he's seen the light on 1000 occasions of who she really is. He's an alcoholic, so I realize this complicates the matter, as he had been sober for 2 years and began drinking heavily again when the A began.

Right now he's looking for a place becaues he is freaking out with anxiety (self-created). He swears the OW isn't moving in, but he has no spine so time will tell.

My question: My therapist, my pastor, my friends, people on here all say I have to stop thinking about him and take care of myself first. How do I do that? I work and have teens, so it's difficult to volunteer (nor do I have desire). My 14yr old has very challenging behavior and is at risk of being placed in a group home if she doesn't start attending all her classes. My other child is graduating this year, so is gone most of the time. I have no energy to cook, clean, or anything. I just sit at home and think...about him, about if he ends up with OW, about whether or not I'm stupid to hold out hope, and then start crying when I convince myself it's all hopeless.

What have you done to keep your mind off things and to lessen the pain? If he moves out, which it appears he most likely will within the next month, does the pain get even worse than having them come and go?

I'd love to snap my fingers and just either not care for him anymore, or to have the pain subside. It's nearly unbearable sometimes. But my mind keeps going back to the same thing...him.

help??

lady

Your therapist should be helping you with the question thats why they get paid the "big bucks"
Go to Al Anon they will help you deal with the drinking
Get a good plan B going
post here
Go to "Tough Love" for your teen they have meetings in most metro areas
post here
Find a good anti-depressant... your family Dr should be able to help with that
H

<small>[ January 27, 2004, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: Hiker ]</small>

LL,.

The pain lessens GREATLY when you are not having your face rubbed in the affair every day. The pain decreases, not increases, when you seperate.

As far as doing things for yourself, I think the idea is to get away from your obsession with your sick H and focus on healthy things, such as your children. Your children are at a place in their lives where they really NEED their mother.

Instead, she is preoccupied with a sick selfish, self centered alcoholic. Children of alcoholics really get the short end of the stick. They are completely ignored by the alcoholic parent and then by the spouse who is obsessed with the alcoholic.

If you want to learn to live with some peace and normality, you really need to go to Alanon.

Get busy. Start with flylady.com. That site will give you tips to clean your whole house in an organized method, starting with the kitchen sink.

Then keep reading here on Plan A until you have it down. It is difficult to do, but worth it.

Next realize that H may move in with OW. Mine did after swearing that would never happen. But you can do nothing about his actions.

In the meantime you have to do things. I started by walking, exercising, joining a support group, cleaning the house, painting, gardening, detailing the car, organizing, etc. You need to feel good about yourself and the way to do that is by doing things that make you feel good. After you start feeling better, you will be able to work out a Plan to either reconcile or move on without him.

Hi lordslady,

Like everyone else suggested,just get busy even if you don't quite feel up to it.The pain DOES lessen when you are away from the source of your pain(aka WH).I am here to prove it.It took awhile but I feel much better than in the first month or two.I am in no contact with my WH except very brief infrequent e-mails about finances and kids.

And like believer I cleaned like mad,raked leaves,swept,painted,dusted,organized,read books,saw friends and family,prayed,played with my daughters,walked my dog,etc and had my mother come over and help ME when I just couldn't help myself in the beginning.You need support since what you are going through is a grieving stage.

Good luck.

O

Ohmigosh, I forgot to mention a GREAT WAY to get out of yourself and your pain for a while! I went out and bought the TOUGHEST workout tapes I could find along with dumbbells, barbells, steps, etc and just THREW myself into those workouts.

For several weeks the only peace I had was in that one hour of bliss when I lost myself in that workout. I had never done weight training either, and it was very challenging. It got me in the habit of working out and I still work out 3-5 times every week. Except now, I am in better shape than I was in my 20's! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

If you want some great workouts that you can really lose yourself in, try The Firm, they are awesome!

Go and exercise - it makes you feel good, is healthy and it enbles you to vent some of the stress. Why not take your 14y old with you? maybe she might enjoy a regular run/swim/whatever too.

Hi LL, I'm sorry for all of your pain. I'll tell you how NOT to take care of yourself...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have no energy to cook, clean, or anything. I just sit at home and think...about him, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">MAKE yourself eat, drink, sleep, and see friends. Have them come over if you cant get out. Use all that sitting time to do this stuff.

I ended up with pneumonia about 5 months after dday. Recipe: maybe 2 hours of sleep/night (unless drugged!), no fluids, no food, no exercise, no fun, extra long work hours, extra alcohol, extra drugs. Try being sick on top of all you are going through... talk about depressing.

Maybe take the teenager with you to a park, to a museum, whatever. Get out some. Try to remember things/hobbies you used to do that made you happy, and discover them, again. I cleaned like mad to keep busy. And gardened. MB kept me busy, too.

Keep busy, and Take Care (really!) - Dru