Hey Guys,

I have not posted about my situation in about 3 months..some of you guys will probably remember my story. I need some expert advice here but am afraid you will pull out the 2X4's and yes I deserve them.

Well things have only gotten worst the past few months. Holidays were horrendous and I have been a mess. We have lost our medical insurance due to financial problems and WH no longer goes to IC nor do we go to MC. Financially, we are hanging on by a thread, but are starting to come out of it a little bit. I started a part-time job the first week of December and this has helped me tremendously. If I didnt have this job I really do think I would have had a nervous breakdown by now.

With regards to WH. The A with OW1 has seemed to die down although there is still contact. But WH has OW2 he has been carrying on with. I have seen glimpses of the man I fell in love with and married but nothing substanied. We have been talking about seperation for months now but know if he has to pay for a place to live, we will surely lose our home and vehicles. He thinks we desperately need to seperate, but everytime I agree he gets all weird. I guess I am between a rock and hard place. Although I have not posted in awhile, I have read posts here everyday. I do see some differences between my situation and some posted here. The main difference I see is that my WH does not believe he has met his soulmate. I think that is obvious by him having a second OW.

Another difference I see is that BS's here can state reasons their WS give as to not committing to the marriage or even possibly ending the marriage. My WH spouse cannot give me any defining reasons as to why he cannot committ. All I get from him is we just dont work. Funny, we worked fine up to about 15 months ago. Any thougths on these differences would be appreciated.

WH has been spending alot of nights out of the house and our 4yr old has noticed. Now he asks WH every night "are you going to sleep here with us." I can see the pained look on my WH face, when he answeres. Bascially what I am getting at, is that I have not done a good Plan A. I dont even know if I should be considering this as a option right now. I have finally realized the past couple of days that I can only change and control myself. I have re-focused on my prioties: my children. Even though it has only been a few days, WH responds so differently to me. Yesterday he even said "its been so long since I made you laugh." WH has been given Plan B letter and is fully aware of my intentions regarding that letter. Obviously the NC with me angers him. I guess what I am saying is that I almost have everything in place for Plan B: a job, babysitting for the children and a slightly better state of mind. But here is my question: we have been at each other so much up until a few days ago, I really dont want to seperate with that being WH lasting memories. Should I Plan A for awhile with intentions of Plan B. I just want to try to leave him with warm and fuzzy feelings. Any questions please ask. Any thoughts would as always be appreciated. Sorry so long, but I guess that happens when you havent posted in awhile.


Lisa

Hi Lisa, I have thought about you alot in the past couple of months . I have not been posting much , but I came across and thought I would chim in with some thoughts.

Please do not take this as a total 2x4.LOL

GET HIM OUT !!!!!!

And to answer your question , I do not feel my situation was all that different , except my FWS did not have OW#2 (thank the lord 1 was enough)

I did not do the hole warm fuzzy leave with the PLAN A on him mind . I broke down lost my mind and asked him to leave thats it .

YES it was before I knew about MB , but thats not the point . ITS gone on to long at this point you could come up with a million of excuse for him not to leave .

I had no job, no sitters, no nothing . BUT I was loosing my mind . I didn't have a marriage with him home so whats the differents if he was gone .

LET his a$$ hit ROCK BOTTOM !

YOU know he has been doing the same HEAD games for months . He talks about leaving saying its for the best , then gets angry if you want to go along with it .

NO MORE , You can not PLAN A with contact in your face . JMVHO .

I am not saying everything I did was the right way , I took him back to soon before contact was fully broken and yes I lived through it with his excuses , AND I paid dearly for it . This road to recovery was LONG and very very very ROCKY !!

But my one thing I never regret was throwing him out the very first time . I belive it was the only way for him to HIT THE BOTTOM HARD!OK thats my take on it .

So to sum it up . GET him packed , sit him down and tell him as nice as possiable you love him , but are worthy to recieve love and respect and this is not a marriage with that and he MUST GO , right then and there.

That is when the process of PLAN A (about YOU will begin)

NOW you will have the time and calm in your life to SEE the inner you and make changes in YOU and your life that will make you the BEST you can be !

Then if the 2 of you see your way back together you will be healthy enough to start MARRIAGE Recovery !!!!

YOU need personal recovery first not at the same time .

BE WELL , I will keep ya in my thoughts .

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{bump}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Lisa...I am not sure why you ask for advice here....you don't seem to ever accept it...but here goes anyway...

Like 3 says...GET HIM OUT!!!!

You and he are not different from everyone here...some people maybe but not everyone else.

When he has 2 OW actively going while still living with you their are much bigger issues going on.

If he can still leave after your 4 year old asking him if he's going to sleep here...he has even deeper issues!

My 5 year old seeing the OW kiss my H was the last straw for my H..it was what started him out of the fog...he was never intimate in any way with her after that....and next day was dday and the start of our recovery. NC happened completely within a week and a half of that. He LOVES his children and couldn't accept that way this would make them view him, so he stopped and went to work on himself and us right away.

I know I have asked you this before but WHY DO YOU STAY WITH HIM???? Money aside (stay with your parents or a friend if you have to while you get on your feet)...do you really think there is any hope while living the way you two are living now????

No matter what he says you know he is scared of you leaving him....so leave him and see if that is what leads to his rock bottom or light bulb moment. What do you have to lose??? Losing the H he has turned into doesn't seem like much of a loss!!!

Giving him a chance to hit bottom and maybe start clawing his way back to the man he was might be the best, most loving thing you can do for him, you and your kids right now.

How do you feel about yourself or putting up with the A's in your face and with all the ugliness that spews out of you because of this?????

How would you feel about yourself if you got you and your kids out of this situation????

What does your brain tell you to do????

Hey 3,

Glad to hear from you I often think about you and hope all is well. Thanks for your post.

Forever,

I guess that is why I stopped posting...But I do hear everyone, I just cant seem to do it. I just wish I could talk to some of you one on one. I feel so alone and lost right. What my brain tells me to do is I can no longer live with this man. I have told him I was leaving with kids to stay with my sister. She has offered this to us for months now. He gets angry and says "this is your house and your not removing my children from their home."

Forever, you mentioned "deeper issues", I feel the same way and this scares me. What are you thinking? You asked me WHY I cant let him go. Well I have been thinking why since I read your post. I really dont think it has to do with money. I think what it has to do with is that since we have been together I have believed in him whole-heartedley and he has never let me down until now. I also think we accomplished alot, up until about 15 months ago, in a realtively short time. How did we do that: we did it together. I have always stood behind him, helped him and supported him with everything I had. And now I feel the only way for me to let him go is to totally turn my back on him. This is against everything I have done up to this point and everything I believe and feel right now.

To answer your questions about how I feel about myself right now. I cant stand myself. Forever, hopefully you will respond to this post also. Thank you.


Lisa

Lisa...

I have told him I was leaving with kids to stay with my sister. She has offered this to us for months now. He gets angry and says "this is your house and your not removing my children from their home."

Babble back this was our marriage and you have removen yourself from it....

Go to your sisters...
don't say it..
don't say it and don't do it...

do it...

when you accept and live with such great blatant disrepect...
when you accept insane actions to be sane...
when you tolerate intolerable actions...over such a long period..it is no longer an issue of what he will or will not do..
it is back on you to what you allow yourself to be exposed to...
and the more you allow such exposure...the more normal it will become...and longer you will live like this day after day...
week after week
month after month
year after year.....

and it is not right..

go to your sisters today.....

You asked me WHY I cant let him go.

you choose not to let him go...
it is nothing else but a choice...
choose differently....


I have believed in him whole-heartedley and he has never let me down until now.

so people that never murder anyone till their first murder should be viewed as thus...
well they never murdered anyone else till now... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

this type of rationalization is the direct result of you making excuses for his behavior...

pack your bags today...
no message \
no goodbye...

I have always stood behind him, helped him and supported him with everything I had.

Lisa what a bunch of whoooey..
if you sttod behind and support him are you planning on helping him pick out valentines day gifts and cards for his ow ??

This post is mean...I know it Lisa...but I am not the one betraying and disrepecting you...

you need to step away from the insanity that you CHOOSE to partake of ...and leave his insane disrepect behind...
and I don't know any other way to say that to you but honestly...and painfully...

YOU are right in the fog with him..rationalizing and pitying his disrepect...

your sister has a safe place for you and your children..
you need to go there...

how long will you continue to be have his affairs in your face...how long will you continue to accept his treatment of you...

how long lisa..
for me it would be not one more second..
and let the chips fall where they may...

ARK

Lisa - I am just like you. I always believed my H although his actions never matched his words. I did no Plan A (didn't find this place), a Plan B for 3 months, then started "talking" reconciliation. Then I caught H and OW in bed.

What happened to me, and I think might happen to you, is that I stopped loving WH. It was just too much. I don't trust him, care about him, respect him, nothing.

So get busy and do Plan B. It works very well and you will start feeling better about yourself and be able to look at this whole thing more clearly. Also you will protect the love you have for him.

Lisa,

I'm not offering you advice. I think the advice of others is probably the right advice. I just wanted you to know that I am in a similar sitiation like you (only 1 OW, though). I know I should kick him out, but I can't. I keep hoping. We've done everything together for 19 years. He isn't asking for a divorce. He isn't telling me he hates me. But he continues to openly see her.

Like I said, no advice from me. Just though it might help if you think you're going nutty sometimes to know there's at least one more out there just like you.