Hi all.

A very serious questions for all those who are recovering from the A as a BS. What type of timeline can I expect. Today is the 5 month anniversary of D-Day. It was a 7 week affair last 10 days physical. We been married 21 years, together 26, 3 kids. NC was sent next day, only 1 contact, him about 20 days later and my w told me within hours of the contact. She is deeply remorsefull, doing IC and we both did MC and read all the books. I've been a basket case, dwelling on this constantly and I'm having trouble moving forward. She is doing everything she can to prove to me it was a mistake, and her life is an openbook, keeping logs of her whereabouts, times calls etc. I just can't stop thinking about it and it hurts deeply, almost consuming me on a day to day basis. At 5 months I understand that the anger phase starts, and the visions begin to deminish. What can I expect from this point on. I know we will work this out, I don't question that at all anymore, but I do question how long it will take to get things back to living rather than remembering and regretting. All input is welcome.

What you are experiencing is normal. You are only about 4 1/2 months into recovery and everything that you are going through is so typical. I could not eat, sleep or concentrate on anything other than our marriage, the affair, for well over a year.

There is a gradual weaning to this process, it will not be noticeable at first. Triggers will set you back for a day but you will still start weaning off. I remember about 14 months after going one whole day without thinking of the affair. That was a wonderul day for me.

It is now 3+ years, I discovered contact again last year. The second time around was more devastating, but he obsessive thoughts etc did not last as long. I no longer dwell on the betrayals and lies, the triggers are not as numerous.

I know it is impossible to think that life will go back to some semblance of normalcy. It will. Just love each other, there will be some great times ahead as well as absolute horrible times. Hopefully, the great times will be more numerous than the worst times.

NOMO

Summer,
what you are feeling is normal. I don't want to discourage you, but this is most likely going to be a very long process. I heard that about 2 years is a normal amount of time for the relationship to be "normal" after D day, but did not want to believe it. Guess what, it was true.

We are at about 2-1/2 years post D-day and I can't say when I realized that I did not feel haunted by his affair each day or in my dreams, but it was at about the 2 year point. I know that sounds awful, but the reality is that you have experienced a horrible blow to your self-esteem, a shock that is not going to go away quickly. Just take one day at a time, try to make each day positive and look forward to a future with your spouse if that is your goal.

I compare this to the cancer that I had. I did not ask for it, it happened to me. I cannot change that and the memory of it will always be with me. I look at my scarred and reconstructed leg everyday and am reminded of the pain, BUT...it does not hurt anymore. at some point, it just stopped.

I know somewhere on this site is some information on the specific question that you asked, it is different for everyone but good to see it in print and realize that you are not crazy. Peace to you, Ladysing

Summer,

Your timeline is similar to mine. My wife had a 2 month affair with the last month being physical. On D-Day she agreed to no contact and there has been none. Believe me, I would have known because I know everything she does now. It also helped that she has been truly remorseful and has gone out of her way to try and repair the damage as well as make her life totally transparent ot me.

But the damage isn't repaired. Not even close. It has been 10 months since D-Day and while I still dwell on it daily, I don't have the huge mood swings I suffered earlier. I can honestly say that at 4.5 months like you are, I was a complete basket case. I am still seriously wounded at 10 months and ponder daily whether I want to stay with my WW. I keep thinking that if I can just hold on a little longer, the pain will subside and I can make decisions in a more rational manner.

As I approach the one year mark, I find myself more and more leaning towards divorcing her. It simpley boils down to whether I want to stay with someone who was capable of perpertrating the lies and deceipt necessary to perpetuate her affair. It is a matter of charactor and I believe that those who have affairs have a charactor flaw which is fatal to a marriage. I know that it will never be the same now. She is not the woman I thought she was nor the wife I loved. She forever destroyed my feelings for her when she allowed another man into our bed.

Sorry to sound so bitter, but as the sheer panic of the discovery has subsided and my emotions have begun to heal, I am more able to draw a picture of what happened. And the picture is not pretty. But, back to your initial inquiry about how long healing takes.

I can't forsee how long the misery lasts but I can say that at one year, I am a very long way from healing. Best of luck to you.