To all of you out there who have some experience, My husband had an affair that he revealed to me in October(had been going on all summer) and On November 1st decided to end it for good with OW and we have been trying to work things out. Things in our marriage have been ok, some things better than others - have been trying to use the books to help us out and some marriage counseling. I'm just wondering if all this excess baggage hanging over my head will ever go away?? I seem to respond differently to him now. He travels a lot and I can't live my life wondering what he's doing all the time. Should I be happy that he wants to come home because he say's it's the "right thing to do" or because he would miss the kids too much. What about me??? Am I asking for too much?? I beleive in marriage and I am still hurting so much from my situation. I'm not sure if I'm expecting too much too soon??? Please help!

What books? Are you following an approach similar to the one outlined in "Survivng an Affair"?

One of the things I remember from 'Surviving an Affair is that the wayward wife Sue, having treated her husband like dirt for so long, acted as though he was lucky to have her back.

As I recall SAA teaches us that it is not uncommon for the WS to not be remorseful or very loving in the early stages of recovery. Later on when the full scope of what they have done becomes clear to them, you can expect sorrow and remorse.

Remember that the WW Sue, who was a complete jerk, ended up two years later madly in love with her husband and wondering why she ever left him for the OM.

Well, John39
I have read SAA and another book on understanding why these things happen (if that is possible). I think maybe I'm trying to fix things too quickly. I'm just not comfortable feeling so vulnerable. Things that I never thought about or worried about are now part of my life. Sometimes I feel like just giving it all up but I know that's just an emotional reaction to things being so difficult???

Yes, it is a normal emotional reaction to things being so difficult. Recovery "normally" takes over 18 months. Usually people go through a pretty good anger phase, often somewhere around 6 months after DDay.

But I didn't ask if you READ it. I asked if you were following the recovery program that is outlined in it. Recovery takes 18 months (or more) if you are actually working a good recovery program - like the one outlined in SAA. If you aren't, you never really recover. My wife and I read "Torn Asunder", SAA, and "The State of Affairs" together, and followed a recovery plan similar to SAA's. We added a few things from the other two books, but our problems in recovery so far can be traced to our inability to completely follow the recovery plan in SAA (it's simple, but not easy).

okay, I hear you! My Husband hasn't read the recovery plan although I have outlined it in our "sessions" (once a week we have a "date" to relax and talk about how the week went for us in our everyday lives and with each other emotionally) I really should have him read the plan so he has something more to go by. We talk about it but do not read the plan on a regular basis.