I was at work today - it started out great. We had 2 good female clients and were having a great conversation about me, when it started to turn sour. H started laughing and talking about how every night this summer I would go visit a friend next door, (a single lesbian - not that it matters, but it's pertinent), and the other neighbor, "this single way horney guy" (who turned out to be OM) would also go over there, and she would be there partying and drinking till midnight.....

That part was OK. I got quiet and hot under the collar, but I was the one who betrayed him, if he wants to tell his clients, I have no qualms fessing up to it.

The next comment was what killed me - one gal got confused as to timing and said "was this before the kids?" His reply was "KIDS, WHAT KIDS???" with an evil laugh and saucy smirk he can get basically insinuating that I was the worlds sh**iest mom, and that I was abandoning my kids this summer!!!!! What he failed to mention, was that I was home with them 24/7 and he rarely did anything (except play) with them - hence, me leaving at night, just before or just after bedtime, to party. I was getting away from him, not the kids!

MY REACTION: I figured I could either deck him, or leave. I chose the professional method - grabbed my coat and headed for the door - they asked where I was going, I said "OUT", he said "awe, come on, we are just having fun!" I said "No, YOU are having fun at MY expense!!!" and I left.

I cooled off, and came back 5 minutes later, he apoligized, we talked a bit after clients left. I told him that if he had issues about what I did in the summer, he needs to talk to me about them, not to clients in front of me. (he really has never told me feelings about anything, really)

Could I have handled this any better? Any other insights into this?

Liza

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 01:31 AM: Message edited by: Felina ]</small>

Hi Liza;

Im lucky in the sense that my H is an extremely private person...he would never do that, or tell anyone for that matter.

However, as one of my friends told me many times (the only friend that knows of the A) that he cant beat you over the head with it forever...either he leaves or he wants to get past it.

I would have probably done the same thing...quietly walked out without getting into it.

Our A's were happening right at the same time....last summer...it seems like so long ago, to you?

Im at work now...pretty slow right now.

S

Sally, I'm supposed to be sleeping right now - rain woke me up and we live on a river - had to check river gauge on computer - I fear we might flood again tomorrow! If we do, it will be third time this winter! The gauge is ok for right now.

This was the first time H has talked about A to clients with me there. He is also a very private person, usually. I know he only told a couple others right after d-day.

I actually asked him tonight (for the first time)while we snuggled "Do you feel like you lost a part of me?" He sadly said "yeah." I told him "I bet it really hurts you." he said "yeah, it does but I know we will work through it and have a better M in the end." I still fear he has more hope in that then I do, but I am working hard.

I know he lost a part of me - an innocence that will never be repaired or replaced. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Liza

Well I am at work and bored so glad you replied!

Our H's sound similar...cept mine is our age. Mine does the same, looks at me differnlty now...looks at pre-A pix of me, thinkin back to when I was "innocent".

I know that if I want it, I can have the best and most comitted H and M in the world...my H has stood by me, and he wants me in every way...for that, I am a very lucky girl.

I need to focus on that to keep my mind from the fictuous feelings I had with the OM...it was neer going to or meant to go anywhere (me and OM). Ihave to keep telling myself that.

Nitey nite Liza...

Sally.

Okay I going to get out the 2 X 4.

But I am going to loan it to you Liza to smack your husband upside the head.

I would tell him if your affair was a laughing matter then it must not bother him that much. And if it doesn't then he needs to shut the hell up when in private he wants to gig you about the affair.

Sorry its just plain mean to throw the affair in your face in front of others UNLESS you were the one making the remarks or saying something insensitive regarding him about the affair or its causes.

Seems like he still wants to punish you about the affair any and every way he can come up with.

And that signals he still has some resentment he is keepind inside.

Felina,
I think you handled it well. Discussing it with him in private was much better than hashing it out in front of others.

You did well to let him know how you felt about it.
Maybe he will think twice before he makes anymore remarks like that.

Does he know about the 'love bank'?? He needs to be making deposits..not withdrawals!
Diane

Felina

I think you handled the situation very well. I agree with SDFR that your H needs a 2x4 reminder. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You might need to keep asking him questions. Doesn't mean everyday, but just to help him heal. If you both haven't talked much then it may be time.

As for your H's feeling he has lost something, I can understand that. I have that same feeling. Something is missing <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> . Yes, the part that is missing is gone forever, but I do think that something better can be created.

Your doing real good. Hope today is better for you.

Thank you all for validating my feelings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

It taught me a valuable lesson about myself, anyway - when I feel that anger volcano surface (it doesn't often, but when it does, it's fast and furious and VERY explosive)I just need to high tail it, get out of dodge, leave.... go run to the punching bag....

Anyway, it doesn't take long to cool me down so I can be civil, but I sure avoid a blow out if I leave for a moment! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I will slowly peel the layers off H. I want us to have a deeper relationship in time, and even though there are certain things that I don't think will be how I want them, we can have a very successful rewarding M that will last.

Liza

Felina, your husband talked like that in front of clients. That is very unprofessional to say the least. If I was one of his clients, I would be looking to replace him and his company, ASAP!

I must agree. I think you handled it just fine.

I think what your husband did was not right. I think that perhaps he might see that now. He has tremendous pain over this, and he doesn't know what to do about it. He probably wrestles with himself all the time, trying to figure out how to forgive. I suspect that he truly wants to forgive you and move on, however, and I really believe that WSs have no real idea how hard it is to 'just get over it'. This is not something that will just go away. This is not something that you can say 'Sorry' for and everything is better. I suspect that you understand this as well.

I am not making excuses for him. He chose to be snide and inconsiderate in this dealing. But in some way, perhaps he was trying to make YOU feel just a bit of what he is feeling. Is is the right was to deal with it? No... Is it even a good way to deal with it? Probably not... I doubt if he got the healing or satisfaction from saying what he did to them. He probably thought that for an instant, he was going to feel better at your expense, given the same tact that you took for yourself at his expense.

I will tell you the truth... I NEVER told anyone about my exs affairs other than my counselor until she "left" me the second time, and started having her 'exit affair'. Still, I only told my family and friends. I told no one she knew, although I wanted to so badly. You have no idea how many times I wanted to walk into her school, get on the microphone, and say "Mrs. X, had 4 affairs, lied, drank and drove, left her children overnight, repeatedly left to 'go to work' on Sunday, had her assistant principal take naked pictures of her to send to her boyfriends... stated that 'this will be good for the boys', and 'I don't think they will be surprised', so when you hear the 'aweful things' I have 'done', keep in mind that everything you are hearing is coming from someone who is capable of doing THESE things.

OHHHH yes... 2 years after D day, I still sometimes feel the desire to let EVERYONE know. But you know what, while I was working on our marriage, I tried with everything I was to make it better in every way.

But there is NO good way to learn to deal with betrayal. The trust is gone. The innocence is gone. You will NEVER again be who he married. You will possibly be someone that will be trusted once again. But it will be a long road.

NO... he does not have the right to beat you over the head with it forever. But you do not have the right to expect him to get over it on your time schedule. He will hopefully heal from this, as hopefully will you. I think you should confront him when he is treating you poorly. But do it lovingly, because I don't really believe that he WANTS to treat you badly. He just wants to get over his pain, and see that you are willing to do what it takes in order to help him. Sometimes, that might be listening to him cry about it all over again, months or even years later. But hopefully, you both will be better off because of it.

I never got the chance to work through my feelings. I tried to give her everything I could, and in so doing, during our 'reconciliation' I was nothing but a lap dog. It hurt to be left and lied to once again after I had been trying so hard. But it did let me know that there is nothing about that woman that interests me further. I hope that you can understand, it takes time. He does not have the right and should not do things that hurt you to 'heal' himself. But make sure that you at least understand where he is coming from when he does it. You can go along way towards healing him with a firm will, and a warm and loving heart.

Confronting him calmly, then saying "I am sorry for what I have done." will probably completely disarm him, where hostile confrontation will only make him feel that you are trying only to protect yourself and that you have no real interest in how he feels.

Long winded... I know... but coming from my side... I know what I would have given anything for my 'wife' to have done. I would have been able to heal so much faster and better had she just cared enough about ME to put me first even for just a moment.

This might be the only way H could get some of the poisons out. He couldn't do it in private, alone with you, in a more intimate setting. So he vents (inappropriately) publicly.

The good side of all of this might be that at least he's starting to talk.