This was an email I received from Savingyourmarriage.com. I thought it might help those of you (and myself!) who are working to improve our marriages. It focuses on what you are doing now to improve things---and not looking back at whatever has happened in the past.

Where Are Your Eyes?
© Penny R. Tupy 2004

My mom is a professional musician. I grew up surrounded by the classics and by a variety of music that was popular in the 50's - the
time when my mom was a teenager and young adult. We played musical games at the dinner table, name that tune and name that rhythm. For as long as I can remember she sang to us and once we could sing along she would harmonize with our renditions of the melody. So, when I was
thinking about what I wanted to write for today's Musing a song from my childhood memories immediately began to play in my head.

"All together now - one, two, three,
Keep your mind on your driving,
Keep your hands on the wheel,
Keep your snoopy eyes on the road ahead"
(Paul Evens and The Curls – Sittin in the Backseat 1959)

And that's what I want to talk about – where are your eyes and your energy focused? When our marriages are struggling and we're working
hard to learn new skills it's so easy to get caught up in what has gone before. We obsess about and rehash the months and years and all
the past transgressions of our spouse. And we base our current actions on our memories of the past. Which in turn feeds the likelihood of the outcome in the present isn't going to look a whole lot different than the very past we are trying to escape.

But here is something that I'd like you to tattoo on your left hand,post on your refrigerator or write in lipstick on your bathroom mirror:

If your marriage is unhappy in the present it is not because of what has happened in the past, it is because of the choices you are making
today.

I can't change the past, and unless you have a time machine hidden in your basement, neither can you. All the talking and rehashing will
not make the painful events of the past any less so. And although we can intellectually recognize that those things happened long ago, when we talk about them in the present the feelings they evoke are very real and very much in the present. So that puts us in the untenable position of feeling painful emotions about something which cannot be changed.

If our thoughts are focused on the idea that our marriage is terrible, because it has been so in the past (or in the past week) then that is what will take on larger than life proportions in our
reality. I'm not suggesting that you pretend that everything is rosy and ignore the difficult issues that need to be addressed. I am
suggesting that remaining in the present and addressing conflicts based on what is happening right now is the first step in crafting a
fulfilling and satisfying future.

I can hear you saying – "But our sex life/finances/in-laws/careers have been a problem for years they're not just in the present." I'm
not arguing with that statement. I'm suggesting that if your sex life or finances or issues with family or career or anything else is not
working for you it's because you are making choices RIGHT NOW that are not in the best interest of you, your spouse and your marriage.
We can't change the poor choices and hurt feelings of the past; we can change direction in the present and build a brighter future.

Keep Your Eyes on the Road Ahead,

Penny