Again i had another round of talking from him tonight. He talked about his feeling and about OW. He said she is a nice and giving person blah blah blah. He said if only i won't insist so much on condition no 1 (OW home add) then it would be easier for him to come back. He said how much IN LOVE he is with her and not with me. But then again he cannot lose me either.

He told me that OW gets jealous whenever he is with me. He also said that OW ask him to go out with her on Valentine day. He told her he can't make any promises. For me, i will definately give him Plan B letter if he goes out with her on that day!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Senior manager in his office who is also our friend has been trying to brainwash my WS too. She is getting frustrated with the fog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

To me definately, he is still talking with no action.

I am still doing okay in Plan A, have not lovebust. I can feel how whenever i start to talk negatively about OW, his defences goes up. I could not help talking negatively about OW because in all our conversation so far all he talks about is how goooood she is!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Don't worry have not slip much...just a wee bit once or twice. Will do better next time.


Female age 36 WS-age 36
Known 18 years Married 7 years
DD age 5
OW - 20/unmarried
8/sep/03 - Dday
22/sep/03 - Dday
17/0ct/03 - Dday
28/Dec/03 - Dday
29/Dec/03 - Dday & Told him to move out.
15/1/04 - Plan A
23/1/04 - Expose A & waiting to see what will happen next

Hi zizzy,

I give you a lot of credit.I could not sit idly by and listen to my WH talk about his homewrecker(HW) like that.He had about three times where he "explained" himself and then I was like,"Ok,that's it".I went into Plan B shortly thereafter.

It is just as your topic describes,all talk and NO action.For my WH,he wants to talk to me very much but it is not about reconciling so I have told him we have nothing to talk about until your first sentence to me includes: "I have stopped the affair,I am no longer in contact with HW and I am ready to work on our marriage.

So far,he has not done that or gotten any help for himself so he floats along on his selfish little river as his family waits on the riverbanks in pain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

What can I say,if you are tired of listening to WH and he does not make up his mind to chose you over the OW and you have done a good Plan A to the best of your ability,then Plan B is next.It also sickens me that you have to talk "nice" about his OW.GAG!

Of course he gets mad if you talk ill about her.She is his precious no fault OW right? Only you can decide when you have had enough.But it looks like you have been dealing with this since August so,if it's ok with you that he still is on the fence then I guess continue to do what you are doing.As Dr.Phil says: "How's this workin for ya?"

O <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't think it's a good idea to allow him to talk to you about the OW. That keeps her on his mind.

What you need to talk to him about during PLAN A is other stuff that you are interested in, what is going on in your life otherwise. Ask him about other aspects of his life...

The only talk about the OW should involve when and how he is going to get rid of her. Otherwise, he is just playing you, almost getting you to participate in glorifying his A. YUK!!!!!

I trial them today.

They stopped at a block of shoplots. I know they stopped to have lunch. However after 40 min or so OW drove off and I followed OW but i lost her. When I lost OW i came back to the same place and found WS car still park at the same place. I waited then i called him. He said he is at his brother's place. i realised that he is no longer staying at his brother's place. He has rent a room or something and staying there.

I was devastated. How did he turn into a lying monster! How much more lies could there be????! It hurts so much.

I have posted a few advice to others not to let the pain of lies control our emotions but it is so hard.

He is coming over to stay at home during this weekend. I actually feel like telling him to go away. But i won't do that. I will keep to plan A. Until 15th Feb. I have also decided not tell him what i already know.

I am also going to try and trail OW again next week and also confirm truly if WS stay at that shoplot or not.

Okay, i will not let him talk about OW anymore.

<small>[ January 31, 2004, 02:24 AM: Message edited by: zizzycool ]</small>

Last night he was definately deep in the fog. He was moody and withdrawn. After four days of saying he is thinking of coming back, last night he was thinking of staying with OW. He asked what i want financially if we split up. The answer i gave, made him angry. Then i got angry and told him that he is acting like a WS and i want the WS person out of this house. Then he went into the room to pack his things.

I sat for awhile and thought boy, there goes Plan A and said to myself that i better do something before he actually walk out that door. So i spoke gently and explain that i want that WS personality to be gone and i want my H back if he is at home with me.

Then we talk some more and i ended up crying but he held me and said he understand.

In short, last night was a horrible Plan A.

If it is not because of valentine day i think i would have done a Plan B yesterday.

Zizzy,

It is very common for our WS to talk a good talk especially if we are in plan A but he could talk to you til the cows come home but it wouldn't change what he is DOING right?

Your WH is coming and going in your life and OW's.He is not living with you anymore and not working on the marriage so he has no incentive to really chose you seriously.It sounds a bit like you're walking on egg shells around him from your last post.Are you afraid of making him mad? So do you hold back on setting your limits? What are your limits?

My WH used to tell me that he understood and hugged me and said all nice things in the beginning but it did not stop him from calling the HW or continuing his A so Plan B came along.What's Valentines Day got to do with all this? You know your WH will be celebrating with OW or even more likely both of you in some way.She may get the night out for dinner and you get a card and/or gift.Who knows.Demented.

Well,it's up to you how much longer you stay in Plan A but at least remember that everytime YOU cry/get mad at him,he has a chance to pat himself on the back and tell himself that he is right to be in this A since you are so needy/mean and make him mad,etc.Don't give him that excuse.You have to be the one that comes out with all the dignity and strength and smelling like roses.

O

Zizzy, is he staying there this weekend? I would just do your best Plan A and start putting together a Plan B letter. Plan B DOES NOT MEAN kicking them out, ok? Plan B is a process where you give them a thoughtful letter telling them you love them but that their actions are destroying the love you have for them and therefore, you must cut off all contact until the affair has ended. You give him a roadmap back in your letter.

But, for now, its important to do a good Plan A so that you leave a good taste in his mouth before you do this. Do you know the OW's name so you can call her parents?

Ziggy:

Follow MELODY's advice very closely.

I did.

Last year, my FWH spent Valentine's Day with the OW.

This morning, he spontaneously and I feel genuinely said "I LOVE YOU" to me for the first
time. THE FOG HAS ABSOLUTELY LIFTED!!

Unfortunately, you will likely have to go through the whole process. However, it is true, that leaving a good taste in PLAN A is essential. I even planned a GOODBYE ROMANTIC EVENING with SF that blew his mind.

Do what you need to do to fignt for your marriage!!!

I tailed him again just now to see if he went home or to met her and he caught me. I was still waiting in the car when he sms me and said that he knows i am watching him. He asked me to join him for a drink instead of waiting in the car. I laughed when i read his SMS but at the same time the tears flowed too. I am so ashamed of myself. What have i become? This whole thing has made me into a liar too.

I didn't join him and i ignore his calls. I do not know if he will follow me home or not. I don't feel like seeing him. I don't like myself at the moment.

I know who the OW is and all but i still do not have her home address or know how to contact her parents. The PI is supposed to do that and i am still waiting for a reply. I am doubtful that the PI can get it as in my country they are not as good as it is in yours.

I could tail OW home but after tonight i feel that i don't want to do that anymore. I am not that kind of person. It is not me. All this snooping and spying is making me sick about myself. I am not like that.

I do not know if i have done enough Plan A or not. I hope i did.

If everybody thinks it is time. Then i will do Plan B tomorrow.

zizzy, the person who should be ashamed is your adulterous husband who put you in this position, NOT YOU. There is no virtue in sitting at home while your H actively destroys you behind your back and sneaks around. There is no shame in catching someone who is destroying you. The shame is all HIS for putting his wife in this position.

Even so, there really is no reason to tail him now if you have a P.I. The only thing you need to know now is the name of the OW's parents and her address. You know where he lives and that he is seeing the OW, so you don't need to tail to find out what you already know. See what I mean?

So, don't you dare feel ashamed for only doing what any rational person should do when someone is sneaking around behind thier back. NO ONE has the right to the privacy to destroy you behind your back, zizzy.

Please don't rush to Plan B tomorrow. This week would be fine. Can you start working on your letter and let us give you feedback?

Thanks for the support Melody

He came over and stayed last night. He admitted that deep down inside he still could not let OW go. I told him that i have to go into Plan B by end of the week. He said he understands.

I have copied one of the Plan B letter examples that i found in this site.

zizzy, you didn't tell him your strategy, did you? What exactly did you tell him that Plan B waS?

He knows about marriage builder. I have given him all the articles that i printed from this site to read.

I have told him that Plan B is to separate me from the triangle and wait for him until he sees the light of day. I also told him that Plan B is not forever and that the eventuality is divorce. I told him that during Plan B i will have no contact with him.

I also told him since this is sort of the last week, i don't want to hear or talk anymore about A or OW.

Last night we went out together and was having a good time until a group of 6 passed by and i thought one of them look like OW. I asked WS if it is her and he said he did not notice. Then he jokingly said if it is her why don't i confront her now. That dare really push me and i actually did go up to the person and asked if her name is sylvia but it wasn't OW.

Surprisingly WS was not angry with me, he found it amusing. I feel this whole A has made me really paranoid and suspicious about everything. I said sorry to him. He hug me and told me that i need not be sorry and never think so because he said he is the one who is wrong and should be saying sorry.

Then he start to talk about the whole A. I told him i don't want to talk about it but he insisted. He said i can listen and so he talk again about everything. Seemed to me like the same old story. All about how he feels and how he cannot control his feelings blah blah blah. Said we are at an impassed now because i refuse to give up condition no 1 even if he is willing to end A and give NC letter to OW.

To be fair there were two action that he took, he wore the cross pendent that i gave and told me he gave OW back hers. And he did not hid his HP anymore...left it open where i could spy on if i wanted to. But of course i still feel he is only doing all this because he is afraid i will go after OW like a maniac murderous BS. I told him if i wanted to do that then i would have done so already. After all i have OW HP number and can pay a "courtesy" visit to the office anytime but i did not do any of that.

I have tried to get him to come back to this forum for support but he does not want to.

Early this morning, i hid love notes in his diary and bag. He found it later and he sms me to say thanks. I think he like it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think i am doing a better plan A this time than perviously coz knowing that plan B is around the corner.

He did say i have changed into someone else. He feels smoother with all this love and affection. He said he likes it but it doesn't feel like me.

Geez was i so affectionless before?? I really don't remember.