OK,
My family obviously loves me and is concerned for me. I've made full disclosure of everything negative in my M that was negative, including the A to them. It is there position that I am being led on by my BS. With the situation as it is with minimal contact between her and I and me being out of the house its impossible to know whats going on.

Some things have come up that have started to arouse my suspicions. My BS stated to me that her EX was going to make it appear that she has had and is having an A behind my back. She said she's worried because she's afraid that I will screw her over regarding the custody case involving my DSD if I heard it from them. She said that there had been a couple of "men" out to the house giving estimates on home repair. When asked about the cost I was told that she'd worked out an arrangment and the work would be free all she had to do was buy the supplies.

Couple that with a discussion I had with her aunt(watches the children while BS works as bartender) where she revealed accidentally that my BS has been going out socially alot. I know she's allowed to have a social life but its been on nights when I was told she was working.

Couple that with her telling me yesterday that it was important that I picked up our biys today as she was planning on me seeing them this weekend and scheduled no child care. She was supposed to be off tonight. Yesterday she told me that she was going to be working tonight and that I need to call her today to find out who to pick the boys up from. I called her today and she tells me to pick them up at our house. I asked who would be there and she said me. I told her I thought she had to work and she told me that she ndidn't have to be in till 9pm. I reminded her of the TPO and not wanting to get her in trouble over having contact with me and she told me to call before I headed out so she could let me know. Now her work has the evening bartender scheduled in at 5pm. In the past she's never been called in in the middle of a shift unless an emergency had come up. So needless to say I doubt her story as does my entire family.

My family wants me to check her story by picking my boys up and then either spying on her myself or having a family member do it with a video recorder present so there's no issue of one persons word vs hers.

If I were to decide to check on her, be it myself or someone else, I could ensure it would be done without her knowledge. First a simple call from a cell phone to the bar would verify if she is there or not. Second anyone who would tail her to see if she actually goes to work or where she went could start in a position where they could be unseen and start a pursuit undetected. Older brothers who are cops have offered to do this as it is something they've done professionally.

Now my questions are:

DO I have the right to expect her to be honest with me during this period of time?

After admitting dishonesty to her and before she's given any indication of what she's ging to do, do I have the right to call her on something if I feel (or can prove that she's lied)?

If I feel (or can prove) she's having an A do I have a right to confront her on it?

Whats your opinion on wether to follow her and check her story or not?

What can any BS tell me as far as the likely hood of a BS having an A as a method of payback or getting even?

-2soon

Ohh yeah,

If I do end up following her and find my suspicions confirmed I plan on just leaving and going home to be with my boys for the remainder of the weekend. When I drop them off on sunday to whomever is getting them I will ask them to relay a letter to my BS that will read something like:

"I'm sorry that things got to this point and I'm sorry you lied to me about what you were doing friday night. Just as I've had to face up to the consequences of my actions that I took myself, you will as well. I will not be showing up in court this coming friday to speak on your behalf. Neither will I show up on your EX's behalf either. Since I made full disclosure to you of my transgressions in our marriage I have been completely honest with you. You have always maintained that you are an honest person. The fact you lied to me about what you were going to be doing friday has angered me and I no longer wish to remain as your husband at this time. Therefore I feel no compelling emotion to lie for you on your behalf. Because of my love for my DSD I will not help her father take her from you either. You know that we can file an uncontested divorce by ourselves. As soon as either one of us can file the paperwork we need to get it done. As of monday morning my name will be removed from the joint account you and I hold. My direct deposit will be redirected and no longer go into that account. I have no checks to write against the account. You may keep this account for your own use or you may cancel it. From this point on I wish no further contact with you until we are ready to finalize my divorce.

Note, this is only if I find out she's having an A now. Its my initial reaction. If she just goes out with friends I think I' just let it go. Lesson learned : Noone like being lied to or thinking they've been

Okay here are some things best considered.

If you have any form of restraining order in place you really can't follow her at all.

Now about a family member. Well it depends on which state you live and what their anti-stalking laws are. In many states its against the law for anyone other than a licensed PI or peace officer to do survillance on a private citizen.

Now I say screw the law you really need to know what is going on. She is legally your wife and you have family and financial committments between the two of you.

But I strongly recommend you try to get a PI first and if not a family member. If its a family member be sure they only film here in clearly public places. Can't film thru a window or such...wouldn't stop me from having someone look in but wouldn't film because clearly that would violate the stalking or privacy laws in most states.

As to the odds of her having an revenge affair who knows that is a personal thing. But I would suspect she wouldn't jump right into another set of legal problems given all that is going on her life at the moment...then again you never know.

As to what rights you do and don't have I don't think that is relevant....clearly having rights and having them respected are two different things. I am sure she would argue she had a right to expect you to be faithful but that didn't change the fact you strayed.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I feel (or can prove) she's having an A do I have a right to confront her on it? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes Wise, you have the right. She more than anyone knows the pain that an A can cause. So if she is having an A, she knows full well the consequences. I speak from experience.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Whats your opinion on wether to follow her and check her story or not? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Definately check her story, its the only way to get peace of mind. I followed my suspicions and discovered my H was having an EA. It will drive you crazy if you don't find out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What can any BS tell me as far as the likely hood of a BS having an A as a method of payback or getting even?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't think it is intentionally getting even, but I think the resentment builds and builds and they eventually will justify it. My H tells me, "Do you blame me?" (I had a PA 5 years ago).

Good luck

The TPO is against her. I had her charged with domestic violence. Hope that clears that up.

-2soon

But wise the TPO still has to be followed. You can't in most states approach her forcing her to violate the TPO. In Georgia you cannot willfully put the person with the restraining order against them in contempt of that order. In other words you can't follow them around in public places effectively forcing them to leave everytime you come around them.

DO I have the right to expect her to be honest with me during this period of time?

Honesty is a reasonable expectation of one's spouse.

However, you cannot make her do anything. You can only control your own behavior and actions.

After admitting dishonesty to her and before she's given any indication of what she's ging to do, do I have the right to call her on something if I feel (or can prove that she's lied)?

You can respectfully ask her questions. Read up on Lovebusters, do not include any lovebusters in your behavior. No angry outbursts, no selfish demands.

If I feel (or can prove) she's having an A do I have a right to confront her on it?

Again, you can ask. However, people who have affairs nearly always lie as well. Lying to one's spouse is a part of the affair.

Having proof would be a good reason to confront her.

Whats your opinion on wether to follow her and check her story or not?

It could answer your concern about that specific time.

What can any BS tell me as far as the likely hood of a BS having an A as a method of payback or getting even?

BSs are vulnerable. They have been hurt, feel incredible loss. After dealing with a spouse in an affair, anyone can seem nice or like a better choice than the WS.

It is not unusual for BS to have an affair of their own, whether out of retribution, revenge, loss of self-esteem, or unmet needs.

It's easy to say that a BS knows how hurtful an affair is, but the "fog" takes over for them as it did for the WS. They don't think about the pain they are causing. Having an affair is usually selfish and thinking only oneself.

Well the mess continues. I'm soing the same thing your wife may be doing, going out with friends. What do you expect her to do? You had an affair, got her arrested, the exH got her daughter. This woman needs some support, my friend. I don't see that you are being all that supportive.

If you want to save your marriage, get on the MB program quickly.

I have been trying my best to learn the basics of MB and to start implementing them. The fact remains that there is an awful lot of things about what I've been lead to believe that just don't add up.

Lets not forget that my BS did have an A 3 years ago that she admitted to me then. The way it was dealt with was pretending it didn't happen. So I am suspicious.

I want to know the truth. If she is out with an OM then I feel I have a right to know just as she had a right to know the truth. If she's out having an A then after I know for sure I will go from there. But there is just to many things that do not add up.

But believer,

Are you lying to your WS about what you are doing? The fact remains that I've been lied to about when she's going out.

-2SOON

Drop the TPO ... regardless of she has A or not A w/ OM. You do your end of your bargain don't worry about her. Beside you start the whole thing here, you have to take side to ease it up.

It is not about you, her, ow, om ... it is about a mom that could loose her kid. DO THE RIHT THING IT GOES A LONG WAY

-rh-

Oh crap 5:02


please regardless of anything...please do not seperate the sister from her half brothers...

please please please...

ark

I suppose I am lying to H, by not telling him where I go. He is living with OW. So I go out in groups with neighbors and friends. I don't think it is any of his business.

well?????


ark