Been gone for a while. Busy at work, sick kids, etc. WH dropped a bombshell. The company he is working for is changing direction. WH will no longer make enough $$ for us to pay our bills. He needs to get a 2nd job or another job. WH’s working history: If he’s having to answer to someone, he’s never lasted longer than a year. If he’s contracting or left alone, he lasts longer. The place where he is currently working, he’s almost been there a year. The place before that 3 mos. Didn’t like his immediate boss. Told me he got fired, but he quit even though we were behind in bills and rent. Job before that, paid great, took him out of town and he decided while he’s making the bucks and keeping everything financially in line, he would start a new life in this other town w/OW. He started slacking at work because of the A and was advised to leave.

This whole scenario is déjà vu – same time of year but the year 2001 (A took place from 6/01-02/02). The whole “sell” he is giving me is the same as it was then. This job is in D.C. We live in Dallas. I’m the one w/the stable job w/a large corporation. I’m the one w/the benefits. I’m the one that always has to stay home when the kids are sick and take them to/from work. I’m the one who has 3 weeks vacation and family sick leave so I will not get fired when I have to miss so much time for the kids. He does not see why I’m skeptical and afraid to pack up and leave. I would LOVE to live in the NE so it’s not that. It’s the whole heard that, been there, you screwed me before. I can transfer, but once I do I have to stay at least a year. The guy WH is hooking up w/is the same guy that he has been in cohorts w/for the past 3 years. They’re always scheming on how the two of them can start their own company some day – they both have no $$. So I know what’s up. Get WH up there to drum up business, they get enough business and go out on their own. WH is bi-polar. So, while this may sound like an opportunity for most, it’s a recipe for disaster w/WH. Last time they tried this (the company where A started), once WH got department up and running, he got bored and spent more time w/OW. He’s all into the thrill of getting things going and then he fizzles and passes the buck. I’ve seen it happen 3x now.

He’s flying up there next week to interview. Sounds like he’s already made his decision. Says he has to go TH pm and stay until Sunday am (yeah, right). Sounds like before, he gets the chance to walk away from family and go have a good time. This also means kids will not see him for 2 wks (he works evenings and the only time they get to see him is Friday night to Sunday am).

I CAN’T DO IT. Every part of my being is sending RED FLAGS.

How do I go about not LB’g? I told him to “go.” That’s all I said to keep from LB’g. He’s LB’g by not taking everything into consideration and being the same he’s been since prior/during/post A. I see this as the time to part. I can’t put myself through chasing another on of his pipe dreams again. If he makes it, then I’m glad for him. I just can’t do it any more especially when we haven’t even hit a true recovery period yet.

Hi SD,

Sorry to hear of the bumpy ride. I certainly can understand. When the W is stable sometimes the H feels they can take risks. I had to learn that one the hard way.

You are right, at this time you can't do more than let him go. He has probably already made his mind up.

When he comes back though, you need to let him carry more of his responsibility. Let me ask you, when he is home what does he do around the house to help you out? What does he do in regards to housework, childcare, child rearing, bill paying, budgeting, etc.? IMHO, this is where you need to start.

Of course starting a new company can be just as exhiliarting as an A and in some cases just as deadlly (at least financially). So caution needs to be excercised. I recommend NOT telling him but asking him questions. Your H seems to thrive on admiration, use that thought and get your point across with questions. See when he answers he will have a more difficult time yelling at you for his answers.

JMHO,
L.

SD,

I have been in a similar situation.We have moved several times either because my WH got "let go" or quit due to politics or difficulty dealing with management or "creative differences".My WH works in the film industry and suffice it to say,Hollywood and Los Angeles were where we used to be but we have moved to New England last year and a half to be closer to family,for the quiet,safe way of life and to buy a big beautiful home with lots of acreage.

I am never moving again unless I am forced out and so that presents a problem for my WH.I adore my home and we are finally settled.But,since WH A, I am ready to make HIM the second choice since I am tired of shuttling the kids from one town to another all for the sake of WH career and I don't know if we will ever reconcile at this point.Now he is the one to try and find something closer to home since he is only seeing his children once a month now(long weekends).At the beginning of my WH career,he used the excuse that working at X company is SO fulfilling,blah blah blah.

Well,they might not renew his contract now so he is trying to find work closer to home to be "near the girls" as he says but if this company didn't mention that there might be "layoffs" he would NOT have made any real attempt at being near his family.Why should he? It is much easier to not deal with his selfish A than to be near us and me.

I would suggest that you think long and hard about giving up what sounds like a really good,financially stable job for you and your kids.
Look at WH actions and let that help you decide if he's worth the upheaval.

In my case,WH does NOTHING at home to help but support us financially and he does play with the girls when he's here but that is only once a month now.I wouldn't care if WH got a job in Alaska,I would not go there to be with him,not after the way he's treated me and the fact that we are in such bad shape.It would be foolish to pick up and move again.I am not a fool,if anything.

O

Whew. Lots to consider, for sure.

It doesn't look to me like this is a decision that has to benefit ONLY you or ONLY your H. It has lots of POJA possibilities.

Granted, you would prefer to stay where you are, but you say you wouldn't mind New England, and you could transfer - does that mean you keep your same vacation benefits and everything? If so, then moving isn't a total show stopper.

Likewise, I would imagine your H could find work in the Dallas area. It's a big city, lots of various opportunities.

How old are your children? If they're elementary school or younger, you'd be surprised how quickly they adapt to a move. If they're middle school or older, though, I'd recommend staying in Dallas if possible.

I *definitely* understand about the red flags. All your self-protection instincts are probably screaming "Danger! Danger!" at you. Is this something you can discuss with your H calmly? Is there anything he could do that would help you feel safe, like this is not a repeat performance?

Would it be possible for the two of you to sit down and calmly list the pros and cons of moving and reach a decision together?

If you're not into recovery (he's behaving pretty independently right now) then you're probably going to have a real hard time negotiating. Maybe you could let him move up there and you'll follow in "six months to a year, if things are going well" -- but that might just be the final nail in the coffin of your M, to be separated for that long.

OTOH you say you'd love to live in the NE. Perhaps you could transfer up there and if your worst fears are confirmed you'd be in an area you love living in.

I'm talking in circles and not helping much, I'm afraid. Maybe I've looked at your situation in a slightly different way, though. Maybe that will help some.

Thanks you guys for the advice.

I didn't want to make my post longer.

We are not in recovery because WH does absolutely nothing. He does not try to make time for us, the kids, and does NOT help around the house. He is NOT a partner. Right now he's still asleep (11 hours). He stayed up for 3.5 hours last night watching movies after coming home. Both luxuries I NEVER have. He doesn't clean, do laundry or even take his own clothes to the cleaners. I put a stop to doing it for him. If he can watch movies all night, he can put a load in the washer and/or dishes in the dishwasher, etc. I had to BEG him to clean the kids bathroom last week and he still only cleaned the toilet. I had asked to please do the toilet and tub -- the kids are 3 and 1 1/2.

I'm really feeling his whole motivation for getting me to transfer up there is that then the kids will be close by -- not because he is 100% in this M.

Last night I woke up at midnight and called his work (he's not allowed any more OT and gets off at 10). I asked if he was there and his co-worker said very hesitantly, "Uh, no." I said, "Has he been gone a while?" She said, "Uh, yeah. Call our other office and see if he stopped by there (it is 24 hrs)." I called, no. So I waited up for him to come home. He came in at 12:40 a.m. I asked what happened? He said he had been sitting in bad traffic (okay, it's midnight guys). I said, oh, because your co-worker said you left a long time ago. He said he had been stuck in traffic for an hour and a half and he was even afraid he was going to run out of gas. Puh-leeezzzz! The section where he had to get on freeway is a half mile at the most and it took an hour and a half at midnight???? He asked what time I called. I said I didn't really know, that I got up because I forgot to turn the crockpot off and called him to let him know I was leaving it on warm so he would have a hot meal. He said, "I clocked out at 10:45 and then ran virus checks on all the computers and got out at 11:45." Do y'all see the flaw in this story. He left at 11:45 and got home at 12:40 and was stuck in traffice for an hour and a half. I wasn't going to get into it.

He says sarcastically and defensively, "So, why are you really sitting up?" I said, "I told you." He says again, "No, really, why are you up?" I said, "Why so defensive and what's w/the tone?" He questioned me again.

Y'all, I'm an insomniac and have been since the day he met me so he knows once I get up, I'm up for at least an hour.

What do y'all think is up w/his defensiveness? I have not been accusatory or LB'g at all for a long time up until this point. Mostly, because I am not going to let his lack of help spoil my mood.

<small>[ January 30, 2004, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: SoDisappointed ]</small>

SD,

Don't get mad with what I am about to say but ...... here goes:

Give the man more to do. Not ask, just give it. Hand him the baby's dirty diapers. Send the children to 'dad' for questions or issues that are not life threatening. They need feeding, have dad get it. Give him assignments that have a time constraint. Realize that as far as responsiblity is concerned, he is acting as a child. Don't assume he will think things out as you expect him to. Realize he will try to fight this plan. You are dealing with an immature character and needs to be handled as such. Give him simple tasks at first, graduate and give him praise and show gratitude when he does a good job.

I am talking from experience. One of the things I learned here was that in my case, I was doing tooo much. That Giver/Taker book by Dr Harley helped. For our M to recover, the WS had to do MORE work and I had to do less. Imagine that!?!?!?!? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> What I initially found that hard to accept but it sure was easy to get used to. Just had to be willing to take that chance.

Now my H helps around the house without an attitude. Oh there are still time he gets on my nerves but ask around, a few MBers here have met him and he doesn't seem to be that bad of a guy. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> The point is that he had to get over his anger issues. Realize he wasn't a failure and needed to stop taking his anger out on me and not expect me to do all for him. As much as he knew it was wrong for me to be doing sooo much, his rotten attitude kept drumming up new ways to give me more work in less time. See H came from a highly disfunctional family....still reeling from in-law issues, they are slowly recuperating but damage control is high. That was a vicious cycle that had to be broken and I had to break it.

JMHO, hope this helps.
L.

O,

That is what I did last week. Said to please just do their bathroom. Nevermind the rest of the mess and he still only half did it. It's almost like he does it on purpose... half do whatever needs to be done.

Never says thank you to me for doing anything -- I always thank him when he does things.

I wasn't really drilling him last night about the job either. I asked if he had done any research on the area. He said no. I said I did and would he like to discuss what I found out. He said okay. I told him. I never said I wasn't going or was going.

He's still asleep (we're now at 11 1/2 hours). Friday and Saturday are his day off so he gets one full day without the kids under feet along w/his movie watching and long hours of sleep -- I know that comes across as resentful but I'm really just trying to make a point. The man has no stress at home. If it was me, I would at least pick up on Friday. Does he ever offer to cook dinner on Friday? No. Wait, once, he did. Right after D-day. Made hot dogs.

I have really been trying to sit back and not say anything to see what he'll do. I have come to the conclusion, that whether a nag or not a nag or being just plain there -- doesn't matter -- he's the same.

Yes, I have asked the kids to go ask daddy since they are so used to it just being me -- I do that every Saturday. "Daddy is right there on the sofa, ask him." WH doesn't even get up when he overhears them asking -- knowing that I'm folding a load of laundry or whatever.

I made him watch the baby one Friday since I have exhausted all my time at work for kid sick days and I called him at lunchtime to see how she was doing and if she had a wet diaper yet (she had been real sick). He said he didn't know. The man hadn't even attempted to change her diaper since 7 a.m. Said she had a fever. I asked if he had given her anything. He said he didn't know how much. I asked why he didn't call me. He said he knew I would be calling.

The man isn't stupid and is actually quite intelligent so you tell me what's up? As Dr. Phil would say, "You (as in WH) need to plug in."