I need some help and advice. I entered into an A in December. I am shocked at what I did and am in a place I never thought I would be. I have been married for 17 years and have two children. During that time I have tried to be a good W. We have had our share of problems, like anyone. Whenever I have expressed unhappiness or dissatisfaction with our relationship, my H would tell me that feelings are controlled by your actions. If you focus your attention on your actions (being a good W and acting happy), then the feelings will follow. After reading this website, I realized that we dealt with things poorly. We have long led separate lives, except where the children are concerned.
Then, I met this man who I can talk with. He listens to me and seems to truly care about me and my feelings. Although the A has turned physical, the majority of the time we talk on the phone. The OM is single and is encouraging me to leave my husband. I know that I should break off contact with the OM, but can’t seem to.
I have told my husband about this and we started counseling. But, now that he wants to work on the relationship, I just feel like I’m packed in ice. I don’t want to break up my family and hurt everyone, especially my kids. But, deep down I want to leave.
I know I deserve to get bashed by everyone, but I am struggling and need help getting through this. I can't talk to family or friends because I can't take their disapproval. I need to hear from someone who has lived through this. Is it possible to ‘fall in love’ with your H again?

No, I can tell you what it feels like to have you spouse wonder, once you told him within hours his stomach was turning I bet he dosent sleep well, cant concentrate on his work like he should, probably dosent really want to come home now. He's thinking all the time why me. He shouldnt think this. Your the cause of ALL this.
Look at his face, look him in the eyes and imagine if it was him. I dont mean to sound to mad but you deserve to feel like he does. Its because of you he can hardly function. Really I
hope you feel like S**T as long as your husband.
you know the one you CHEATED on does.
Just the way I feel.
You tossed a longterm relationship away for 10 minutes of fun.

iht,

As a person who has been where you are about to go, I'm going to say this:

Regardless of what you may or may not be able to feel for your husband or anyone else in the future, your first step needs to be to get out of the affair. (That will acquaint you with the process and results of doing something you don't 'feel like' doing--which you will find is both empowering and useful.)

Just take that first step. In some ways, your husband's approach (kind of like 'fake it til you make it') is a good one, but it's clear that you need something more in terms of someone to share your feelings with, so you have to say that and then figure out how to get that need met.

Believe me, the longer you are in the affair (whether you are trying to justify it to yourself or not) the harder it is to get out. Use what strength you've got to do that now.

I won't bash you--I'm one of those OPs to whom all those nasty adjectives apply... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Good luck.

I haven't posted in months, but decided to look in on how everybody's doing. So let me add my 2 cents worth.

As you can see I was the BS, but I am not going to condemn you for your actions. I can tell you that your H is now a devastated person, but you probably know that already. It takes two people to make a marriage and when you look honestly and closely you will find that both parties contributed to the marital breakdown.

If you are really and truly committed to save you M you have to, repeat: have to, establish NO CONTACT with the OM. The way to do this is to write a NC letter. This should best be curt and to the point, not mushy and lovey and "I will always miss you" stuff. It is a good idea to involve your H in this process.

Only then can you start to progress. While there is contact, of any kind, you are blocking any positive feelings towards your M and your H.

The other important thing is to be honest, even brutally so. If your H wants to know something, please don't lie or obfuscate or hide behind "I don't want to hurt him". Lies hurt more than the truth.

He is not going to trust you and will most probably find it very hard to believe a word you say, after all, he's been betrayed by the person he trusts most.

It is possible to fall in love again, there's been many cases like yours on this board. Love is a decision.

BTW: Do I need to tell you that your OM sounds like a snake - single person telling MW to leave her H? Yechh. But then I know that in your eyes, for now anyway, he's the next best thing to sliced bread. If you persist in trying to save your M, you could be back here in a year or so, wondering why you ever thought that you loved that person, believe me.

In the meantime, God Bless.

Hurtingtoo,

The fact that you came here says that you want some guidance and help, so we will offer it.

First,know that when other women and other men enter the lives of married people,it is a completely selfish act on their part.They do not care for you in the manner that you think otherwise they would not attempt to destroy a marriage and hurt children and families.

Yes, you may feel as if this person knows how to listen and care for you like you never have experienced before BUT it is not altogether true.People that enter into a relationship with a married person are very adept at smooth talk,sound caring and are sympathetic to your needs of not being happy in your marriage.They are predators.They lack the dignity,integrity and honesty that each one of us would like to have in a relationship.Your current affair is based on dishonesty and pain.Not the best way to start another relationship-BY SACRIFICING & HURTING LOVED ONES.The fact that this man is pressuring you to give up on everything FOR HIM is downright scary.

Second,what kind of example do you want to show to your family and friends,especially children by continuing in thsi affair? Is this what you would want for your children to experience in their lives? Are you portraying the kind of person that everyone could be proud of? No,I should say not.But you have a chance to do the right thing,even if you don't feel like it.You are ADDICTED to this man and the feelings he has planted in you.You need all the help you can to break free from his deceptive, brainwashing ideas.

Get the books: 'Surviving an Affair', And,'His Needs,Her Needs' to start,written by Dr.Harley.You need a third party that is not actively involved in the affair to help stear you in the right direction.Leaving your H and children will not solve anything at this point because you need have deep introspection on WHY you had this affair.If you don't,you are likely to one day repeat the same "mistake" in any new relationship.

Lastly,I would hope that if you told family and friends that you are willing to end the affair and need their help desperately,that they would come to help you.You will need a lot of help to get through withdrawal of this man.Are you willing to stop all contact?

O

I am on the other side of what you are describing, except the sexes are flipped. My H is involved with a soon-to-be single W who is telling him to end his marriage because it's no use to stay in one where he isn't "in love" with hiw W. Funny thing is, we were married, not separated, not discussing divorce at all, and weren't all tht unhappy when she came along. Now he's so deep into the affair he doesn't know how to get out. He says he should, but he's addicted to her.

If he leaves us, I have no doubt he will have huge regrets down the line. The grass is no greener there. I am praying he'll come back, but the A devastated me and I am unable to function properly--have been for 4 months.

I will also go as far as to say 12 years ago we were in a similar situation, and I truly didn't think I loved him anymore. I wanted away, he was seeing someone, and I prayed for God to get me out of it. When he came begging me to come back home, I didn't want to. But again, I prayed "God, if this really is what you want, you have to help me learn to love him again."

I can personally attest to the fact that you CAN learn to relove someone. I dearly love my husband. That is why this A is so crushing.

Thank you all for the help/advice you are sharing with me. I was afraid to post anything because I am the one causing the pain.
No, I can't talk with my family or friends because they are very conservative and wouldn't understand. But, getting to talk about it here is at least letting me know I'm not the only one going through this.

IHT,
Disreguard the LB from gblogdb. It was an emotional reaction that does not help anyone. Please listen to the others who tell you to break off the A right now. Establish no contact immediately. Why?? Do it for yourself. You will not be able to think clearly until you have removed yourself from the fantasy of the A. The A will cloud your thinking. Also, ask you H or MC to help. Chances are the OM will try to contact you.

Let's say you give in and give up. Do you really know someone you are in love with? You only get to know someone over time. You will just be taking your current problems along with you. Almost all affiars end and of the ones that survive, only 25% have a success rate.

Don't give up on your H yet. In time, with both of you focused on recovery, your loving feeling will return. You really won't be in love with your H until the end of recovery. Hoe long? There are no predictors. From what I have read form MC books, it takes about 2 years to create a safe haven marriage. Yes, thats a long time, but we are talking about your long term happiness. Will you have a perfect M? No, but it will be a much better one than you could ever imagine now.

Please keep posting,
In the love of Christ,
Roman121

IHT, I realize that in the fog of the affair the OM looks great. Have you read 'Surviving an Affair". The book describes am OM named Greg who was also a wonderful person. However, when the fantasyland blush wore off, he ended being a rather selfish man.

Your OM is like Greg. Think he is not? Why would he have an affair with a married woman? Why would he encourage you to end your marriage? These are not the actions of an honorable man.

If you have problems with your marriage and your husband face up to them in an honorable way. Let you H know in no uncertain terms that his solution is not working. Ask for his help. Accept that 1/2 the problem in the marriage is yours.

Let me repeat again that the OM is NOT looking out for your best interests of those of your family. He is selfishly looking out for himself. Read SAA. Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. These experts have documented it. You don't have to trust what I say.

IHT, I have been in your exact shoes. My H and I had a troubled M. I felt neglected and unloved and fell for an OM, a single OM. I later realized that this was a challenge for him to see if he could get a M woman. He said everything perfectly, listened to me, showed me affection and understanding. And I fell.

I have regretted it and will regret it for the rest of my life. I could not even stand to look at myself in the mirror. If not for my young son, I may have taken my own life.

My H chose to stay with me. It was only when he confronted me and I saw his pain that I came out of the fog and realized the consequences of my actions.

Yes, you can love your H again. He has chosen to save your M. That in itself, is something to love and admire. He is not turning his back on you. Don't turn your back on him. Stay in MC and figure out what its going to take to meet eachother's needs. Visit this site with your H,and read all you can.

Unfortunately for me, my H didn't want to go to MC after my A. I think that would have helped him express his pain. Instead, he has bottled everything up inside, except when he lashes out at me. In almost every conversation, he never let me forget my sin. This has gone on for 5 years. I began to shut down from him emotionally because it was too painful to talk to him. Consequently, he stopped giving me the affection I craved unless he wanted sex. So I began to shut down from him sexually too.

Needless to say, we drifted apart. And now I am suffering the pain he did. He is having an EA with someone he can "talk" to. He wants to leave me. You can read my threads if you want the details.

What I want to say to you is this, work on your marriage NOW. There are no greener pastures with the OM. He is a homewrecker and has no regard for your family.

I'm glad you came here, you'll get good advice. Don't listen to gblogbd, you are bashing yourself enough without having to listen to that.

Good! You have received some really positive input. As you can see, there is no condemnation from people, just good advice on what works and what doesn't. People here tend to be honest and straightforward, but generally not judgmental. But, any rationalization of the A will be stomped on heavily by most members.

As far as "gblogbd" is concerned, read his thread and you will see why he reacted like he did. He has been through hell, all the while trying his best. His love and patience has been worn down to nothing by a particularly vindictive WW. Please don't listen to him, that is just pure anguish speaking.

Continue posting on this board and read, or at least try to read, the books that people recommend. There are quite a few FWWs here and they can support and enlighten you. You can have a marriage that you could never have thought possible, especially as your H seem to be willing to work with you.

God Bless

<small>[ January 31, 2004, 10:05 PM: Message edited by: ClearSkies ]</small>

I'm hurtingtoo,
You have come to a great place if you truely want to save your marriage.

I am a FWW (former wayward wife) so I have been in your shoes, and I know how you feel.

You asked if any wives had fallen in love with their husbands again, and I would like to say that I have. It has taken time, and lots of effort on my part, but it has finally happened. I am happier now that I have ever been with my husband.

The Om I was involved with was a widower,so he was single like the one you are involved with. I seriously thought about leaving my husband for him, but I didn't. And that is the best decision I ever made.

You need to end the affair, and begin NC (no contact) with the OM. Your efforts to work on your marriage will be pretty useless until you remove the OM from your life.

Keep reading this web site, and posting questions. It takes much time for it to all sink in. Diane

Hello IMT,
This is my very first post, so forgive me if I break any rules or don't use the correct acronyms.

I am a WS having had a couple of PA's. I realized through some tough soul searching, that what I was actually looking for was attention. I left a high profile job, then lived in the shadow of my husband. I looked for ways to get attention and feel attractive, I kept telling myself that just having sex was not the same as an affair...but it is. There wasn't a problem with our marriage in as much as I was the one with the problem.

I can tell you this. Men who have affairs with married women are pigs. They DON'T care about your feelings, they DON'T care about your life, They WON'T take care of you. The only thing these men care about is sex, and they are so affraid of a commitment that they prey on married women, who are safe.

My husband is truly a great and forgiving man. I think I love him more now, than ever! I have not had the need to even LOOK around since "redicovering" my husband.

He worked on this as well, letting me take the lime light once in a while.

The OM needs to go! No matter WHAT he says now, when it comes to actually making a commitment to you...he won't.

Good luck,
Meg

I wanted to share something with you. My H and I sent our kids to the grandparents on Saturday and spent the evening working on us. We still have a long way to go, but I think there is hope.
We were high school sweethearts who got married in college. When we were in our first few years of marraige, my H did some things that hurt me a lot. I didn't have enough money to leave, so I stayed with him and we eventually worked things out. He now thinks my A is revenge for what he did. It wasn't.
I sent the OM an e-mail asking him not to contact me and my H also sent him an e-mail. The problem will be not contacting him again. I will keep reading your posts and others on the discussion board.
My H heard a song that he shared with me Sat. Its called "Remember When" by Alan Jackson. We both sat and cried when we listened to the song, because it reminded us both of our history together and gave us hope that while we can't go back, maybe we can bring our relationship to a new place that could be potentially better. It sounds simplistic, but I've made copies of the song for work and home to listen to when I'm having a weak moment. In case it may help someone else, here are the lyrics:

Remember when I was young and so were you
And time stood still and love was all we knew
You were the first, so was I
We made love and then you cried
Remember when

Remember when we vowed the vows
and walked the walk
gave our hearts, made the start, it was hard
We lived and learned, life threw curves
There was joy, there was hurt
Remember when

Remember when old ones died and new were born
And life was changed, disassembled, rearranged
We came together, fell apart
And broke each other's hearts
Remember when

Remember when the sound of little feet
was the music
We danced to week to week
Brought back the love, we found trust
Vowed we'd never give it up
Remember when

Remember when thirty seemed so old
Now lookin' back, it's just a steppin' stone
To where we are,
where we've been
Said we'd do it all again
Remember when

Remember when we said when we turned gray
When the children grow up and move away
We won't be sad, we'll be glad
For all the life we've had
And we'll remember when

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
I sent the OM an e-mail asking him not to contact me and my H also sent him an e-mail. The problem will be not contacting him again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That's great Hurting! First step accomplished. You are absolutely right, the problem is to maintain the NC. This will be extremely difficult, because this is like a drug to your system, you are addicted. Cold turkey is very difficult. I know, been giving up smoking for the last 12 years now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But please, please hang in there - this is really a very important step in resolving the A and then subsequently improving your M. You and H have to keep on talking, sounds like you guys did great! Are you reading the info on this site?

I really appreciated the lyrics of the song - lots of truth in there.

Good luck, God Bless!