Hello,

I'm hoping for some advice today b/c my H and I will be "talking" this weekend. My statistics are below.

Here's my general story: my H was upset b/c he claimed I worked too much and we didn't have enough time together, and I was upset b/c I felt that he was always being critical and that he ruined the time we did have together by being crabby and/or taking out his work, etc issues out on me. So, I tried to make things better, and sometimes he said it was better, but he now says that he was just saying that. It seems nothing worked, but it also seemed nothing was that bad that we couldn't work it out. He made a lot of demands, which I think made me w/draw from him further b/c I felt insecure in the relationship w/ all his demands and blaming (I'm always wrong/the one to blame and he doesn't like to apologize). My friends often mention that he doesn't treat me well, but that's another story.

Bottom line: My H started mentioning divorce several months ago, so I started implementing the divorcebusting techniques, and they seemed to give him some doubt/ guilt. I thought he might be seeing someone or just flirting w/ the idea, but I didn't mention it per divorcebusting. However, little did I know that he was already deeply involved w/ OW and was "torn" between us, so when I should have been in Plan B, I was giving him space and trying to Plan A for way too long. He also said that I only changed when he forced me to.

Well, when I found out about the A and how serious it was, then I found this website and started some counseling w/ the Harleys. I am convinced that if my H hadn't started an A, he wouldn't have been so critical/mean about me, or looking for reasons to exit the marriage, and I think he would have tried harder to save things. I revealed the A (per the suggestions here, mostly), and ever since then, he has been angry and hates me and accuses me of all sorts of things. I have also found out that he is very serious about OW and I think he is "in love" w/ her and can't wait to get rid of me. He is also convinced that it's my fault the marriage feel apart and that his EA w/the OW (now a PA) had nothing to do w/ it and he doesn't feel bad at all about seeing her b/c he told me he was unhappy in the marrige. He also keeps saying things like - we were wrong to get married, we aren't good for one another, we can't communicate, his family/friends/therapist agree that they don't know how we ever got together, etc, etc. How do I compete w/ all this negative stuff?? I'm sure the OW also tells him the same thing. I also know that he exaggerates and tells bad stories about me, so why wouldn't they think he is doing the right thing.

He is going forward w/ the divorce and will buy me out of the house. I think he wants to marry her and he has been lying to me a lot lately. (A LOT - about everything, everything, everything) and he seems to hate me and thinks his mistress is wonderful. He even accuses me of having an A and of doing other bad things.

I admit that I have done a TON of LB's b/c I just couldn't help it at times - sorry! I am planning to move out soon, so I thought I would make every effort to fill his love bank (as much as he'll let me) and then Plan B leaving on the best note that I can. (Note: my atty doesn't want me to send the Plan B letter to anyone but my H for legal reasons, but I really want to try to end this A by sending it to OW!)

I honestly don't see how this marriage can be saved. I feel like my H has been 20 steps ahead of me and I should have been doing Plan B a LONG time ago, but now it's too late and I can't save the marriage.

So, what do I do now? Do I just calmly talk about how to divide the furniture and keep trying to fill his bank, and then suddenly Plan B? I don't know how I can do this through Valentine's knowing that he will be spending the night w/ her - UGH - it's beyond heartbreaking.

Is there any hope? What should I do? I think that I've lost him to the OW and there's no way to get him back. Help!!

Me - BS - 30 - full-time prof job
Him - WS - 32 - same
no C
together 5 years; married 1 year
OW - young, no real job, can spend all her time paying attention to my H and loves his $

(Note: my atty doesn't want me to send the Plan B letter to anyone but my H for legal reasons, but I really want to try to end this A by sending it to OW!)

The only reason to send it to the ow is so they know exactly where you stand on the marriage.
Many times the ws will tell the op that the bs filed for divorce or kicked them out and does not want the marriage..

Do I just calmly talk about how to divide the furniture and keep trying to fill his bank, and then suddenly Plan B?
You don't need to discuss divorce or dividing anything at this time.

He is going forward w/ the divorce
How "forward" is he going? Has he actually filed? Or did he simply say he did/will file?HAve you been served?

thanks for responding -

My H cannot file for another 6 weeks due to residency requirements, but he did file earlier and had to w/draw it. He will buy me out of the house - he already contacted an atty and I had to get one and he started the settlement agreement and there were a few small things put in writing.

I think I should go to Plan B, so it would be difficult to Plan B while we are still together. I asked him to move out for a while but he won't and says I should. He is flaunting her in front of me & being mean to me.

Should I try to stick it out longer? What can I do to save this?? I've tried divorcebusting, Plan A, what now????

Help!

thanks for responding -

My H cannot file for another 6 weeks due to residency requirements, but he did file earlier and had to w/draw it. He will buy me out of the house - he already contacted an atty and I had to get one and he started the settlement agreement and there were a few small things put in writing.

I think I should go to Plan B, so it would be difficult to Plan B while we are still together. I asked him to move out for a while but he won't and says I should. He is flaunting her in front of me & being mean to me.

Should I try to stick it out longer? What can I do to save this?? I've tried divorcebusting, Plan A, what now????

Help!

Hey happycat, I'm sorry about your situation. My advice to you would be to start looking out for yourself. Show him that your strong enough to handle anything he throws your way. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side but he is wrong and when that relationship of his fizzles out which it surely will, then he'll realize what he's lost.

His mind is twisting the facts of your relationship to justify his affair so don't listen to it. You know what really happened. Surround yourself with close friends and family.

coughlin - thanks for responding...could you be a little more specific? meaning, should I go to Plan B?

how should I respond to him? do I allow him to talk about the relationship or what (I think he is in deep fog and I never know what to say when he starts in w/ his BS)?

what should I be saying / doing / not doing? (other than deposits and love busters) - I mean, is there any specific advice on what to do?

what should I do about the divorce? he wants to divorce based on "irreconcilable differences" but it's really because of "adultery" so he didn't want to reconcile any differences

help - sorry to sound so lost, I just need to understand a little more clearly what I should be doing...

coughlin - thanks for responding...could you be a little more specific? meaning, should I go to Plan B?

how should I respond to him? do I allow him to talk about the relationship or what (I think he is in deep fog and I never know what to say when he starts in w/ his BS)?

what should I be saying / doing / not doing? (other than deposits and love busters) - I mean, is there any specific advice on what to do?

what should I do about the divorce? he wants to divorce based on "irreconcilable differences" but it's really because of "adultery" so he didn't want to reconcile any differences

help - sorry to sound so lost, I just need to understand a little more clearly what I should be doing...

I think you should go to Plan B but wonder what the Harley's think about it. When was the last time you spoke with them?

And how good do you think your Plan A was?

My Plan A was good for a while, but then I went "dark" while still living together per divorcebusting (which means still being there, but not as available, not calling as much, etc to give them the sense they may lose you).

Then I went back to Plan A b/c of the A and this website, but I don't think I did it very well, and when I exposed the A all h*ll broke loose and I have done some LBs since then. Also, since I exposed the A, he has shut me out and said/done horrible things to me and it's been awful. Just over the last couple of days I've been able to slowly make some progress (and I'm mean just a little) - I think in reality my H is relaxing a bit and softening up a bit b/c he is approaching the time that he can file for D.

The Harleys thought that my LBank was draining and that I should move out & give the Plan B letter and go to Plan B, but I don't think I explained to them how bad things were and how much I had drained his LBank, so I thought if I could just end on an up note, my Plan B would have more effect. Also, I have to find a place to live, and I think my H just wants me out so that he can feel less guilty about seeing OW and they can be totally out in the open.

What do I do??? Do I try to make more deposits?? How do I handle Valentine's Day - I know he'll be with her - I think he is done even trying to pretend that he's not having an affair. He said he's found someone else & I should go live my life and that he doesn't care who I "[censored]" and that I deserve it b/c I didn't do enough for him. God - it's so awful. He did't meet my needs but I never used that as an excuse to be mean and then have an A and give up on my vows. I'm really, really torn up about this and it doesn't seem to bother him at all.

Ok - I'm done rambling - any advice is appreciated!!! Thanks!!!

P.S. I have a dog that we both love. My H wants to share custody, my lawyer says that's ridiculous and I'll get the dog. I feel like I should get her b/c she's mine, but I also know that it will be a big love buster if he can't see her b/c he'll blame me & think I'm uncaring & cruel. However, I can't really do an effective Plan B if he gets to share her, and I DON'T want to ever see the OW - disgusting. In the Surviving book, the only thing the betrayed H could hold back that the W needed/wanted was financial support, so he did as part of his Plan B. So, I feel like if my dog is the only thing he care about still, then she is part of my Plan B. One last thing, my H has been awful to me, and part of me feels like, if he can't treat his own wife like a human being w/ feelings, why should I let him near my dog?? Ok, I'm really done now... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It sounds to me like you did as good a Plan A as possible, he just wasn't responsive to it. He is committed to his anger as a way to justify his affair. Some WS's are just more committed than others and will stubbornly hang onto their anger.

I do agree that you should go to Plan B even if you have to move out. Watching this affair up front and close is very destructive and staying is helping no one. It is harming you, instead. I would just take the dog and be done with it, but check with your attorney first so that you are legally protected when you leave.

Melody - Thank you for taking the time to read my post. Should I keep trying to Plan A so that I fill his LBank a little more, and then just Plan B one day? Or should I give up now and run?

Sorry if I'm being slow - I just keep looking back at all the things I did wrong and I don't want to keep making the wrong decisions.

Thanks

Do you truthfully think that Plan A will make any difference at this late date?

Well, I don't know, it's only been about 6 months since this all started...

I know that the other day he started crying and hugged me, so I thought a few LBank deposits would be good just to end on a good impression.

I guess what you're saying is that it is over and there's nothing I can do....