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Joined: Dec 2003
Posts: 41
C
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Posts: 41
I've read that 1 in 10 marriages survive separation. I have read everything I can get my hands on and this scared me. We have been separated since 11-14.

We are both in counseling but not together yet.

My WH had recent EA and porn addiction. Says its over. Had PA 2nd year of marriage then again while I was pregnant with our second and third child. He was also emotionally and physically abusive to our son and emotionally abusive and controlling to all of us.

Now for the shocker. I too had a PA about 15 yrs ago. I recently confessed to my H as I agree with MB that we can't rebuild without total honesty.

I didn't want to hurt him but felt he should know before/if he moves back in.
I took full responsibility for my actions and asked his forgivness. When he asked why I was honest and told him I didn't have anything to lose as he was involved with someone else. I needed emotional support and asked my H for it and was told to go call the OM, who was just a friend at that time, as he couldn't handle it and didn't want to talk to me. OM was more than happy to be there for me and couldn't believe my H wouldn't be.

H now claims I need to understand how he was raised, his mom had PA and so did his Dad along with being very disrespectful of women.

Now he is in a deep depression and says he can't sleep, can't work and he thinks this is his "payment".

He has support and accountability from men at church but he doesn't want to share this with them but says he will to our counselor.

This counselor knows all the history as he counseled us the last time except that my H didn't tell him of his affairs. He claims counseling didn't work for us then. Hmmmmm

Any suggestions from anyone who has been down this road?

Joined: Feb 2003
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hi confused

I have not being on this road. But a thing I can tell you about is...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> H now claims I need to understand how he was raised, his mom had PA and so did his Dad along with being very disrespectful of women.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That is BS! Just because your parents decided to behave wrongly, it doern't mean you have to do it when you are a grown up. Yes for sure he saw they were that way, and it have worked for them, but he also saw the amount of pain and damage it caused, and still he decided to chose the wrong path?

I think that we need to get better, not repeating the same hurtful paterns. WE DO KNOW when we grow up what is right or wrong. If we chose the wrong out of being the easy way, or becasue we learned it, then we need to change. That is called for me to be good and an adult.

Take care

Joined: Jan 2004
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Where did you read this info on 1 in 10 marriages surviving separation. I would think that would be contrary to the Marriage Builders Plan B principal. From what I understand, they have a good success rate, even if the marriage goes into Plan B. I've also read on another site that separations are risky, but can be the salvation of a marriage if done properly and if done before the two spouses totally lose love and repect for each other.

Just curious where you saw it. I don't like those 1 in 10 odds, because I'm possibly facing separation, and that doesn't give me much hope. I need hope.

(I will say, that 12 years ago I did move out after a 9 month A my H had, but stayed in contact with him on a daily basis--okay he spent quite a bit of time at my place toward the end. Within a few months of my moving out he was begging me not to go through with the divorce I'd filed for, and within another 9 months of the time I moved out, he had ended the affair. I did stay out an additional 6 months and filed for an extension on the divorce, just to be sure he was serious, and then called it off and we moved back in together. At that particular point in our lives, living in separate places even though we saw each other frequently probably saved us.)

Joined: Dec 2003
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Posts: 41
Matilde,
Thanks for your thoughs. I agree with you but I'm a little close to this so I don't always see things clearly. You were pretty clear. Thanks.

Lordslady,
I don't remember where I read that but it stuck in my head. I'll look around and post it if I find it. I realize stats don't always mean anything and I hate to think this one is correct.

Anyone else have input or ideas? Your thoughts are appreciated.


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