He just told me he left his laptop where his training was today. I wasn't home yet. So, I get home and he's gone. I checked the redial on my phone and I know he called her what do I do? I can't let my son see me like this. I'm shaking so badly. . . I don't want to LB but I want to call him and tell him I know.

ok, Nid, please calm down. You do need to address this with him in a calm manner when he gets back. Please don't call him while you are upset, it will only cause you harm.

How long have you been in Plan A?

nid - I don't know you, but I've been following your post. I'm somewhat new, but let me try to help you...

Don't call him yet - just take a deep breath - if you react now, you may LB big time, so let's think about what to do ... let's make a plan together, maybe the experienced MBers can join in here and help us...

talk to me - tell me how your feeling - I understand how this must feel - so just let it out on the screen and then we can start to think about what to do next -

are you still with me?

I'm here, but I'm falling fast. I can't take the lies. Its becoming too hard to hide my pain from my son. He's 10, he's perfect, he's worried about me. Should I confide in my neighbbor and take him over there? I'm trying so hard to suck up these tears, but I can't.

I just call the OW's H, he's trying to help. They've been separated. He has their boys tonight, I knew it. He's going to find out if she is where she says she is.

I don't deserve this crap. I'm on the verge of exposing the hell out of them, but I don't want to hurt my son. Its a tight circle of people . . .school, little league, everything.

Oh God, I can't stop shaking.

I've been in Plan A for 6 months, since MC, trying to meet his every need, but with no results because he's been with her the whole time. Knowing that he was hiding things from me, I did LB during that time. And he always used that to justify why we aren't meant to be together.

Help me please

nid - if you feel you're out of control, take your son to your neighbor if he's comfortable with them. Spill you guts to us.

Please take comfort in knowing that we've all heard the same lies and you are no different from us. What's happening is typical and not out of the realm of expectations. I say this to help you feel a part of the norm. If we could survive it, so can you.

WAT

nid - there are people here who want to help you and have been exactly where you are right now -

I think it was great that you called the OW's H - I hope he can help you. When he calls back, we'll know more about what you should do.

In the meantime, here's my advice, for whatever it's worth...tell your son you need a few moments alone & that you'll be OK, then just go to your room and scream and cry into a pillow. (I know it sounds weird, but my point is to allow yourself to feel the pain and let it out, and if you do it into a pillow for a few minutes, your son won't hear much.) And/or you can vent/scream/cry on the computer - tell us exactly how you're feeling - just let it out - all your fears and pain.

Give yourself a few minutes to do this, it will help you calm down, then tell yourself that you can cry/vent later, but right now you need to take the next step towards saving your marriage.

What is that step? Well, we won't know for sure until you hear back from the OW's H. We do know that when your H comes home, you want to be calm and relaxed. No matter how painful this is, you need to stay focused on your goal = saving your marriage. So, vent, then try to calm down and focus. Think about this: if you were looking back on this moment in time, you would want to be proud of how you handled things, so make that a reality.

let us know how you're doing...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nid:
<strong>

I don't deserve this crap. I'm on the verge of exposing the hell out of them, but I don't want to hurt my son. Its a tight circle of people . . .school, little league, everything.

</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Your son is hurt by the affair. VERY MUCH. The affair is destroying his family. Exposure will help END THE AFFAIR and the sooner the affair is ended, the faster your boy can have his family back.

Nid, please try to control yourself. I know you are upset, but if you act on it, you will only hurt your position.

Also, it may be time to consider moving to Plan to pull him off the fence. He has been riding that fence for a long time because he has had your assurance that you would be there to catch him if he falls. Plan B might just pull him your way in addition to ending this neverending torture of being lied to and having the affair rubbed in your nose.

You will be ok, I promise, Nid.

Nid - you are getting good advice from experienced MBers - please let us know what's happening....

Melodylane - I don't want to hijack a thread, and I want you to focus on Nid b/c she's in a crisis, but when you get a chance, I would really, really, really appreciate your thoughts on my situation - you give such good advice - my thread a few lines below on this board. Thanks!!

Thank you Melody, WAT, and Happy. God knows what I would do if I didn't have you all.

The OWH just called back and said he called her friends house and did speak with her. So she is there. But that doesn't change the fact that he is STILL LYING to me. The OWH also told me that he really reamed his W for what she is doing. He said their M is over, but she has no right to be involved in the destruction of another one. He wanted to call her and let her have it but I asked him not to, for me. I don't want it to come back to me and then to LB!

I am more calm now. But so-o-o hurt. He said he wasn't going to hurt me anymore. This is killing me.

Lastnight he said he has no one to turn to, not even me, and I have my family, friends, and MB. I want him to turn to me, but he's not ready. He isn't close to his family and doesn't confide in any friends except the OW.

I had left a card on his desk today. It told him that I know he feels alone, but to know that God is there for him and He will listen. I told him when he's ready, he can turn to me.

I made him a nice dinner and a peach cobbler, too. Even though my son and I were not here, I left it for him.

I don't want to ruin my efforts by LB.

Should I avoid telling him I know he called her? I will if I need to.

Nid, I think you absolutely should tell him that you know and how very upset and hurt you are about it. Tell him how disrespected you feel and remind him of his promise to stop hurting you. It helps no one to hide your feelings.

Don't tell him how you know he called the OW, but point out to him that he only hurts you WORSE with his lies. Being lied to is profoundly cruel and selfish and only compounds the betrayal of his adultery. I would address the lies, too, Nid.

Just my opinion, but I think that you should ask him if he's tried to contact her, tell him that you won't be mad if the answer is yes, but that you want him to feel like he can tell you anything. (Isn't this one of his complaints? So, show him that he can tell you anything.)

If he tells you, then THANK him for telling you and being honest, and let him talk about why he felt the urge to call her or how he was feeling. Try to listen to him like she does b/c apparently this is one of his needs. Stay calm! Then tell him that this hurts you and you ask him again to stop contacting her so that you two can focus on your marriage and your family.

If he doesn't tell you or lies, then tell him, gently, gently, tell him, that you know he called her. Tell him that you want to hear the truth and that you would rather he tell you than lie to you. Tell him that you are hurt by him callin you, but that the hurt is magnified when he lies about it. Then, same as above re: asking him not to call her and to work on your M.

Melody - feel free to tell me that I'm totally wrong- you know much more than I do....

Well, I think I handled it well last night. I asked him if he had had contact. He said here are the emails, all business. I asked him if he called her. He said no, I told you I wouldn't. Lie. I asked him to please be honest with me if he had called her and he said, "I am." Lie. I told him I know you called her today, why cant you just be honest with me? He got angry and asked how do I know? and then, okay, yes, I called her. He said he had a lot of questions pertaining to their volunteer work. That's all. I asked him if they talked about anything personal. At first he said no, then he said he told her about how upset I was the night before.

We actually had a good talk. He said he didn't want to tell me because I would get angry and not be able to handle it. I told him what I cant handle are his lies. I asked him to please be honest with me about everything. I was handling it in a calm manner.

In our conversation, he told me that he had and still has feelings for her. He said that I need to quit blaming her because he is probably the one who is pursuing the R more. When I asked him if he wanted to be with her, he said he hasn't thought it through that far. He's not sure. He thinks we are too far gone to save.

I went to take a shower and release all my pain. I didn't want to lose it in front of him. He came in and asked me not to do this. He said he can't be honest with me if I'm going to fall apart. I cried, but IT HURTS ME! How am I supposed to supress the pain? He asked me to please stop crying. He kissed me gently and then went back to his office.

After my shower and after I let all the tears out, I went to his office and tried to be as pleasant as possible. We had a nice evening after that. I'm glad I didn't LB.

I know he loves me, we were intimate last night. There was no stopping it. How can he say he doesn't know what he wants to do? I just want him to let her go and allow himself to love me again.

Today I called the OW and told her I knew she talked to him. At first she was screaming at me, saying she was so tired of all the blame being put on her. I reminded her that she told me that if my H called her, she would not speak to him. She obviously didn't keep her word. It would take too long to go into all the details of our conversation, but I stayed in control and I told her that I wasn't blaming her for ruining my marriage. BUT, she was preventing me from trying to repair it. I told her I knew HE was the one who initiated the contact and it was her obligation to tell him that she didn't want to speak to him anymore. The problem is, I think she does. I asked her, if nothing else, to please think of my son. His world is going to come crashing down. I told her I know I have made mistakes, big ones, in my marriage, but I was trying to fix it and as long as she continues contact with my H, I can't. I asked her to please help me to save my marriage. She said she would. I hope she has some miniscule amount of integrity.

Have I done the right thing? I know everyone here is encouraging me to expose, and I am very close to doing that. But I know my husband, and if I do it, all hope will be lost. He will never forgive me.

Oh, and I told the OW that if she doesn't cease all contact, I will expose them to everyone she knows. She said, "You do that and rest assured that they will know all about you, too." I'm scared to go through it, but I'm getting closer to doing it every day.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by nid:


Have I done the right thing? I know everyone here is encouraging me to expose, and I am very close to doing that. But I know my husband, and if I do it, all hope will be lost. He will never forgive me.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Think of it another way, Nid, all hope may be lost if you DON'T. They are very afraid of exposure because they know they couldn't carry on the affair in the open. Exposure will bring the affair to an end. And sure, your H will be angry, but he is angry now.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh, and I told the OW that if she doesn't cease all contact, I will expose them to everyone she knows. She said, "You do that and rest assured that they will know all about you, too." I'm scared to go through it, but I'm getting closer to doing it every day. [/qb]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please tell me you plan on making good on this threat, Nid? If you make an empty threat to her, she will view that as license to do whatever she wants. Do you know how vindictive and nasty that would make her look if she exposed you too? She would look like the bad guy to everyone, including your H. On the other hand, you will just look like the betrayed wife who exposed them in order to save her marriage. There would not be such a noble reason behind her vindictive exposure of you. Let her do it, she look like the bully, not you.

<small>[ January 31, 2004, 03:27 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Thanks Melody. I hadn't looked at it that way. My heart is racing just thinking of exposing. I'm so scared of losing him. Would it be okay to wait and see if they have contact again?

Also, my H is doing intensive studying right now for his job. If he doesn't pass these tests, he won't have a job. Already it is almost impossible for him to focus. We'll know for sure in about 2 wks. if he passes. I don't want to make such a huge LB. It could ruin his career. And that would hurt my family too. Do you think its okay to stay in Plan A for these 2 wks. without exposing? I really want him to keep this job.

I think I can hang on. What do you think?

Nid,

I have read a few threads and as usual you are getting good support from Mel and others. You need to realize that educating the OW is futile. You need NOT to threaten her, just do what you feel you need (ie: exposure, etc.) Never show an OW your hand. Even her H, as helpful as he is being, remember that is his W and he may have a slightly different opinion of his WS vs yours.

You can accomplish the same without causing yourself more grief. If you feel you need to vent or want to tell the OW off, write it in your journal. Write her a letter but do NOT send it.

As for your H, let him know that his actions are NOT making you or your family feel safe. If he accuses you of losing it, don't deny it. Insteat say something like, 'yes, I am losing it, my M and my love.' Go with his flow so he doesn't feel on the defensive and then push the conversation in your direction and reduce the LBing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

As for your son, his age is close to mine. Reassure your son of your love and that u 2 will always be together. If he needs to vent to your H, let him. Do NOT deny your son the right to speak his mind. At age 6, our son wrote a 4 sentence letter to his dad that cut at the heart. Despite the fog, the WS kept that letter. It truly touched his heart. Most of my words at that time, didn't stick as well. It didn't have the impact that our son's 4 sentence letter did. At least not at the time.

Be patient. Your H's lying is not to be tolerated but how you handle it is important.

You are actually doing better than most. This is a very painful process.

take care,
L.