I passed where he is staying and saw her bedroom light on. This cound mean nothing, he could be on the other side of the house like he says, but of course I think the worst. He said he is coming home before Mar 2. This is driving me nuts, really. Is there any suggestions that I can make for him to do for me so that I know he is really coming home and not just saying that?????? I'm trying to keep busy but its not working, my mind is driving me crazy......I think I would have rathered he didn't say he was coming home... My daughter will see him tomorrow morning. Maybe she can say something to the effect that I need to be helped through this waiting period he is putting me through and suggest something he can do to make it easier for me if he must stay out this way to settle himself. Any suggestions????????

Question: why is the March date valid? what is he doing now? Why are you and your family being made to wait?

I think that should send up some warning flags. He should be allowed to come back when you and your family feel healthy.

As hard as it is, it is better not to dwell on what they are doing at her place. You can not make him do anything and he should not be allowed to have that kind of control over you. If that is true, then each of you make your own decisions and must live with the associated consequences. The sooner you realize this the sooner you rwill heal).

Don't pressure your children into being your spies. The info will get to your ears but maybe not in a timely manner.

L.

What does he expects you to do from now unto then.?

L,

He expects me and our family to wait until he does what he has to do he says.......I even said to the counselor, that's not normal, the counselor said " what is nornal, he said an affair is not normal, at least he said he is coming home." I really didn't like that answer, I wish he would of pursued coming home earlier with him instead of sort of giving him the upper hand....But he said he can't be pressured. But, please, if anyone has something that will help me get through this, let me know. It is driving me insane. I told him to give me some of his clothes back each week, that way I will still know he means it and is not just saying that, although he could change his mind anyway. That is why I am worrying. I feel if he does do something with her and he accomplishes that with HER, maybe he would stay with her. I felt maybe when he started going with her, he couldn't get it up with her before I found out and now, after the operation for the cancer, maybe it will come back in working order and he will get what he might have wanted from her. Who knows. My mind gives me so many thoughts its awful. But I need to know how to get through this torture until he decides to come home. I need something concrete that will know he is coming home........

If he truly wanted to come home, he would do so tomorrow. If I were you, rather than talking to him and begging him to give you some of his possessions each week, I would cut off all contact with him. If/when he is ready to come home and end all contact with her, great. In the meantime, act as if he is totally out of your life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lefty:
<strong> He said he is coming home before Mar 2. This is driving me nuts, really. Is there any suggestions that I can make for him to do for me so that I know he is really coming home and not just saying that?????? </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">lefty, is there any reason why you should believe he IS coming home? I mean, I hope you aren't seriously placing your hopes on such a thing actually happening. I would suspect if he really wanted to move home he would have already done it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lefty:
<strong> He expects me and our family to wait until he does what he has to do he says.......I even said to the counselor, that's not normal, the counselor said " what is nornal, he said an affair is not normal, at least he said he is coming home." </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why not get a real counselor? This is just a game and the counselor is playing along to accommodate your dishonest H. Can you call the Harleys? They are not into games and don't pretend like there is validity to empty promises.

Why do you think your H is not sleeping in the room with the OW? Of course he is, Lefty. Surely you don't believe otherwise.

Lefty, I have to agree with Melody. You need a new counselor or at least somebody who is willing to work with you so you can deal with this silly March 2nd deadline.

I think you have to look at what he is doing and not what he is saying. My WW kept telling me she loved me, that I was the ONLY man she wanted to be married to, etc., etc., etc., almost up to the day she told me she was going to divorce me to be with OM. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> During that time of nice WORDS her actions said the opposite. She phoned him, wrote him love poems and scouted out apartment buildings. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Lefty, you don't deserve this pain and suffering. You must have a plan to empower yourself. As long as you hang on promises like the March 2nd return you will be catching Hell over and over again.

A.M Martin has a quote she posts on her messages to the effect that the STRONG choose from their own options, while the weak choose from whatever is given them.

Lefty get a new counselor who will help you be strong and formulate a plan to protect yourself while you wait for hour WH to come to his senses, if he does. You must also develop your boundries for when he returns home. Things such as no-contact, lots of time together, and serious work on MB type priciples should be included.

Fire that counselor!!! He/She makes me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> !

Moring lefty,

If my post was kind of confusing last night, I was quite exhausted when I was posting. Still am a bit, sick child and all. Anyways, Kam is right Cut him off for treating you so disrespectfully. Plan B time.

He is testing your patience. The reason why I posted last night is because what you are going through happend to me. My Ws tried to give me a timeframe. Welll guess what? My timeframe had a differnt timeline. When he supposedly was ready to come home (or was sort of getting tired of the OW), I wasn't ready. I had gotten strong enough to be able to stand up on my own.

Thanks to a great group here, my support group at home/work, praying to God for guidance, going to my Bible based meetings, studying, reading and talking with my MC, I learned that I didn't have to be always there for a WS. I learned to be there for my H but NOT the WS. As long as he acted like a WS, he did not deserve my time and attention. I never stated it that way in the early days but I eventually learned that was the safest way for me.

You see lefty, I took the WS back too early. I should have waited until he became the H and then allowed him back. Taking him back with his rotten WS attitude, caused much heartache for us (family, friends, etc.) and many false recoveries.

Mel is wise to see that the MC/IC directing you is NOT using their skills properly. Get one that will give you support on HOW to cope. See if you can talk with Steve, Jennifer or Cerri.

Remember no one can tell this guy what to do. Even if it is obvious it is for his benefit. Right now better to let him wallow in his anger.....stay out of his way.....don't make concessions with his residency. When he tries to give you his problems, give them right back.

Hon, I don't want to see you suffer like I did. It isn't worth it. There is a better way to survive this ordeal. You are worth it. So is your family. Keep your values and throw out the trash. (bad stuff).

take care,
L.

Can't sleep again. I don't think I'm going to make it if he decides to wait until the very end and come back Mar 2 instead of before. He said he will be back BY Mar 2. I cannot sleep. I pass by her house. I think I am going nuts. How can he really think that staying out till them will make a difference. Does anyone out there think that is possible, to set a date and totally be free when you come back????????? I think I am going to go away for awhile. That might help pass the days.... But I keep wondering, how he could put me through such torture with this waiting game. If he loved me he would come back now.....He said it is not HER, or HER body , its just the way of life over her house, relaxing , no one bothers him he said. What can I say to that when he says that.? Or is he just lying to give himself more time with her. Its just her, of course, its quiet. How can I compete with that scenario. I have my mom in with us now, she is on Hospice, my daughter and son are here and 4 grandkids(in the next town.) But basically, when he comes home from work, our life is quiet too. So I really think this is a just another lie to stay out with her longer .................All in all, I don't want to bring him back too early like you said, but HOW do I get through these torturous nights and days while I am waiting?????????? He is shattering my heart and mind to pieces, both physically and mentally......... I don't know if I can make it the month................

Hi lefty,

first I'd like to tell you that I am sorry for the "pain" you are going through.

I don't know if you are going to take my advice but I will give it a try.

You are putting all you "energy & concentration" into something that you can neither control nor change or do you see this differently?

What will change if you "worry" and "dwell onto" what you cannot controll? I believe the answer is easy in this case. You will change nothing at all.
You will only end up to be a complete "nervous wreck".

So tell yourself this. You are not changing anything. If you worry, you will not be able to controll any better than if you "stop to worry" or?

You simply will never be able to controll anyone. It doesn't matter if it's your husband or the OW or your kids. You can controll absolutely no one.
You can only controll "yourself" and your actions.

Is there anything that you enjoy to do? Just take a minute to think about this. Leave all the "problems" and just think about this.

Don't tell yourself that you'd rather "worry" and not think about what would make "you" happy.
Otherwise you will never be able to "move forward". Or is this what you really want?

Do you want to "worry" for the rest of your life????

I've been reading a good book and what I really have kept in my mind is to "Live each day as if it is going to be the last".

It talks about "leaving the past problems" and not to "dwell on future problems" because we will never be able to change what was and we will never really know "what will be".

It's so important to live each moment and to find pleasure in every minute as if it is going to be the last.

This gives me alot of comfort and it's really helping me to "move on".

Even thought our situations differ, I believe that everyone is capable to do this.

Try to start your day with something that makes you feel good.
Go out for a cup of coffee and maybe even take your time to buy something that will make you feel good.
Go out and get your hair styled and buy yourself a new outfit.

Buy yourself some flowers and decorate your house abit. It doesn't have to cost a fortune but concentrate on things that are for "YOU!"

Get yourself some good music and a good book. Take time with yourself. Start to knit or sew. If you can't, how about joining a group where you can learn how to do it.

Visit a friend or invite someone over to your house or go out with someone that you know.
Or how about taking one "grandchild" at a time out for a special day.
Share your precious time with someone that will appreciate it.
You are saying that you have 4 Grandchildren and your mother.
Well, you can really feel fortunate for this.

Take this "day for day" and don't dwell on what will be.
Learn to focus on what you now have and not what "could be".

You are trying to get an answe to many questions but I truely believe you will never get a logical answer.
It very confusing and I see that but do you really want to make sence outta that??? Do you really want to "Understand" how it is possible for your husband to put you through so much pain???

I don't think it's important to understand "why" he is doing this, I think it's much more important for you to understand that "YOU" are worth much more than having to "cope with such a behaviour".

I'm not saying that you should "slash back to him" I'm just trying to explain that you should really start to separate yourself from this situation.
Start to live day by day and see what is going to happen.

You have never tryed this and as you see yourself, nothing has really changed, or???

I would for sure stop involving the children and I would stop "thinking" how you could get your husband into another "thinking modus" because that is simply a waste of time.

Your husband is doing what he is doing, whether it is right or wrong. He is "controlling" the complete situation and you are "playing the game".

lefty, THINK!!!! You had a life before your husband and you can have a "life" now too. Whether he comes home or not. I just think that you should take the time to find out what "YOU" really want and this could take more time than till the 2nd of March!!!

What do you believe would happen if you actually lived day by day and the 2nd of March came and your husband wanted to come back and you would tell him softly: "Honey, I'm sorry but I (lefty) need more time to think about this. I'm really enjoying my "new life" and I want to make sure that I am going to be happy about this!".

Sorry that this has gotten so long but I hope you understand what I am trying to explain.

I myself have learned many lessons in my life but the biggest lesson I have ever learned was to "LET GO!".

I had to "let go" and I had to "Stop controlling" and you know what, lefty. This is when I realized the most changes.
All through our marriage I thought that I could "controll and prevent" mistakes in our marriage. I thought that my husband would "never" have the opputurnity to have an affair but was I mistaking.

So therefore I have learned to "let go" and to live each day as if it is going to be my last.
I want to make each day special for me. And since I am happy this reflects on to others.

I have learned to stop dwelling on the past, I want to live right now.
I think it's important to feel good about myself "right now".

Even though my situation differs alot from yours, I know that this would work for you too.

hugs
bb

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lefty:
<strong> Can't sleep again. I don't think I'm going to make it if he decides to wait until the very end and come back Mar 2 instead of before. He said he will be back BY Mar 2. I don't know if I can make it the month................ </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lefty, what will you do if he doesn't come back on March 2? What if it is just yet another lie to get you and the counselor off his back?

Please face reality here and call a real counselor. Call the Harley's and quit torturing yourself.

My husband called this morning to go out for breakfast. I am doing poorly with the LB. I still ask how he could hurt me so much if he loved me making me and the family wait till Mar. 2. I did tell him to tell my son and daughter that he is coming home. Maybe that will show me a little more confidence that he really means it if he tells them. He is not giving in. Its useless as you say, so I have to just bear it I guess..... But it is tough........ I really am getting more angry toward him by him doing this.......But he says he is still coming home and has to do it this way........I guess I'll never figure it out.......He said he will make it up to me........I really don't believe he can make all the hurt he has caused me up..............

lefty,

I have one question. I took so much time and effort to write to you.

Did you honestly even read what I wrote????

bb

lefty--what in gods name happened to you in your life to make you think you will just have to bear this???? honey if you dont start caring for you---why should he??

Yes Blondblossom I did read what you wrote but I am so thickheaded and such low self-esteem, it is very hard to make things penetrate. I am going away one day next week to get away, and if possible the following week I will go away from Sun - Wed if I can make sure there is coverage for my mom who is on Hospice. I'm also still recovering from my heart episode on Nov 30, and he would like me to stay around until he makes sure my bloodwork is ok with these new meds. What a mess huh! But I think I am going. Right now I know I have to do something for myself and it will pass the days when he is to come home. But your right, I do have to still think that if he doesn't come home and this is all a big lie again, I will have to deal with it and be strong. I hope he is not lying about this one. I told him to tell my son and daughter his intentions on coming back, I told him they should know too. So lets see if he tells them. He told my mother he is coming home, and if he tell my son and daughter he is coming home, then maybe we can believe him. Hard to tell, he has lied so much this past yr. and 3 months I can't count on anything. But , yes , I am listening to all that is said, and yes, it does sink in, but very very slowly, and I would like to say, thanks for not giving up on me because this board has been my strength through alot of this......Thanks again

Just to let you know. He gave me 7 shirts to put back in his closet. This is a good sign to me that he is meaning what he says, that he is coming home..........

lefty,

Are you really going to just "put his shirts back into the closet"????

You feel that this is a good sign???

Think about the following: His shirts were in the closet (the day he came back the first time) and "What was he doing?"

Now you are putting his shirts back into the closet and "What is he doing?"

"You" are not "changing" anything at all, lefty.

You want the life you had before this "Affair crap" started but it's just not going to happen that way.

bb

It has been very frustrating to reply to your thread in the past because you don't seem to acknowledge that you are reading anything...not answering any of the direct questions people have posted to you.

I last asked you if you were in Plan A or Plan B.

I also wonder why you would want him back? No, really, the chances are good he is going to keep yo-yoing between the two of you. There is nothing stopping him. You have not asked anything of him, other than to physically move back in. Why make it so easy for him to come back? Do you want him even though he is going to continue with her?

Why don't you make a list of concerns/wants that when/if he is willing to agree/abide/act on this list THEN he can move back.

This is your golden opportunity to make some REAL changes in your M.

lefty,

just one suggestion: With every shirt you plan to put back into the closet,

Ask and give yourself an explanation: What has your husband done to "deserve" this???

Be honest.

PS.: Do you really want to put shirts that OW washed back into YOUR closet?????????????

bb

Lefty , I read through some of the post here and I will say I am not 100% on your situation ,but from what I read , 1st there are alot of great people here talking to you and you need to really come to reality and listen to things they are saying .

Now I would add my 2 cents I have been exactly where you are promised dates of return back home "dead" lines and I will make it up to you .

NO NO NO ! If he wants in you need him to understand that there are things to be done work hard work not just saying it doing it .

If he does not return Mar 2 belive me there will be some bs excuse, and maybe not , maybe he will return MAR 2 but that doesn't mean he won't continue contact after that .

MY FWS did the exact same thing he gave me a date to return cause he was working out the things with OW not to come home to me with contact ....

Guess what he still had contact and that lasted another 17 months with excuses of her not understanding why he left ect....

If you think you live in hell now you have not even seen the fire yet . Do not do this , its a bad way to start M recovery and self recovery .

YOU need to stiffen up , I mean it get tough you deserve better treatment . Self estemm rock bottom well it don't get better doing it on there terms .

He needs to tell that ow its over , and he needs to come clean to you on what the he!! he is doing every step of the way he needs to pour his heart out and get to working on this marriage this is FOG for him he is on a fence , PUSH him off girl .

DOn't be pushed around , you have feelings and they need to come first thats the first sign that he even gives a crap and is remorseful .

Ok well got to go hope all goes well .