I know this has been debated round and round on this site, but here's my story and question about it:

Most of you know that my H has a broken leg. I have been picking up a tremendous amount of the slack since it happened, and doing the amount of work about 4 people should do (I know, most mom's do this <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) I have done this with out complaint, because he just can't do some stuff.

My issue: he's starting to tell clients "having this broken leg has taught me to slow down and enjoy life a lot more."

The problem: Someone has to take care of daily stuff, and that is me, and will be me taking care of all that, and working 2 businesses/jobs, kids, bills............

So, when he is up and going again, (and even now, to some extent) how do I let him now that he can't relax too much, and keep me working at the pace I am. He needs to pick up some of the slack too. Probably the biggest thing is that I am up 7 days a week, 2-3 hours earlier than he is. He complains that he needs more sleep b/c he doesn't sleep well b/c of cast - but he was like that before he broke his leg! I have to take care of a huge barnful of horses each morning (one of the businesses), don't you think it's not unreasonable for him to get up a 1/2 hour earlier than usual, and cook breakfast so I don't have to do that, too? (he can do this with a broken leg) He said he would but has yet to do it. I already have other people taking care of some of the horse stuff to take some pressure off me, but why can't he help out more, at least with thinking up options, or not getting too comfortable with this new "relaxation".

BTW, his best friend of 15 years alway tells me - your H needs to stop treating you like he's your slave driver!!

Ideas would be appreciated, I am just feeling very tired and a little resentful this morning <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Liza

<small>[ January 31, 2004, 10:36 AM: Message edited by: Felina ]</small>

Liza, don't you know that that is the new age man...letting the wife do everything? Mine doesn't have a broken leg even for an excuse (he has the couch sleep disease). I quess we may have caused the problems (doing everything) by trying to be good wives but it has seemed to backfire at least in my house. It usually takes 2 years after asking my husband to do something for me. If anyone knows how we can turn it back around to 50/50...please help. When I ask him to do something or take over some of my duties...he gets mad and says that I am being mean.
Thanks for letting me vent too!

Sorry fellows, I didn't mean all of you were like that.

Hi Liza

Well, that is the age old question isn't it. There should be some balance. First thing start talking to him about it. Sure some things are hard to do with a broken leg, but not everything. And when the cast comes off, he does need to start doing his fair share. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
I think you should start off by making a list of the things that need to be done daily.
With your H's imput on these tasks. Then have an open and honest discussion about the problems and the lack of help and support. I know sometimes like talking to a stone or a wall, but its worth a shot. (This coming from the stones point of view. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Actually I've always been open to helping) I do think its better to talk about these before the cast comes off. Captive audience. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> He needs to know that you both are responsible for everything including the kids.

Never hurts to talk.

IF all else fails, you can use the list to divide the chores and just hand him his. But I think you both should talk it over first. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope your day turns out better.

Oh, I just thought of a way to wake him up earlier, strap an alarm clock to the top of the foot on his cast and set the time. He can't turn it off if he cant reach it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Very interesting question. My husband just retired and I find I am so much busier. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Picking up his coat when he goes in and out and leaves it on the kitchen chair...

Picking up his hat when he lays it down where ever he takes it off...

Cleaning up his crumbs after he eats...

Picking up his pieces of paper and little things he leaves EVERYWHERE!

He also gives me little tasks like I am now his secretary. (He managed a large number of people.) I just smile and say "what do you want ME to do with this?"

We have a great marriage, but I'm starting to feel that since neither of us are working now, this stuff should be more evenly divided and it is time for him to assume responsibility too.

He gladly runs the errands and does things outside the home, just not too much routine around the house type stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Of course, there is the possibility that he sees me as too perfectionistic and the things lying around don't bother him.

Oh well....another good opportunity for us to POJA. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Susan <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ January 31, 2004, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Susan ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> So does anyone else think that men are just good for sperm donors???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> (well, except for Silver, who must "have more of the feminine side" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> than the rest.

Your input is good - makes me feel that I am not the only one suffering through this disease. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Liza

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Well, don't know if I'm that in touch with that side. Poe would probably relate to the problem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Tell you the truth I should help more then I do.

Maybe all of you could help me to understand Poe with this topic. I'm willing to learn. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just as long as my DH doesn't expect me to mow the lawn or clean the eaves, I have no problem being in charge of the inside. I am the one who cares how the inside is maintained anyway, he could not care less. The man is OBLIVIOUS to messes! A hurricane could come through and he wouldn't notice! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

For example, he told me the other day he "did the dishes." Well, the kitchen counters were a wreck and there were dishes in the sink, so I am scratching my head as to what he thinks he actually did! Well, he had started the dishwasher and to him, that was "doing the dishes." hehehee I just told him Thank you for his efforts and gave him a big kiss! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Anyway, the answer for us was a division of duties, he does the outside and I do the inside. And I hire a lady to come in once a week to clean and strip the beds. It works great for us.

Felina, I broke my ankle in 1980 and when I got the cast off after 3 months I was so happy to be able to move around that I GLADLY did my chores again, plus more! It is hell having to depend on someone to just do simple things for you. I suspect that he will be more than helpful when he is able and very grateful to for the opportunity.

Melody,

I feel the same way. I broke my big toe last March and an orthopedist tried to doctor if for 2 months....it wouldn't heal, so I had to have surgery. All in all I was down for about 3 months too. By the time I was allowed up...I was wanting to do MY work and everyone elses! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I was pleading with the kids...let me..let me...let me. I HATED it so badly that I would cry...not because of the pain...but because I wasn't allowed up to do my stuff.

Felina,

Hopefully your H will be just as anxious to jump in and take care of things.

Give him the things that he can do while he is sitting. Folding clothes...writing checks...kids with homework...those are things that can be done while he is sitting. Carry them over to him and ask him to do it...while you do something else.

Good Luck

committed

Thanks Melody - I guess there will always be some paridy to this issue.

I guess my problem is that there is just way too much stuff to do than is possible for anyone. The nanny that is here 4 days when I am at work with H keep house relatively clean and cooks dinner, so I don't have to worry so much about that.

I guess I was more miffed about mornings - when I didn't work with H, we got up at same time, he would go to work and I would take care of the horses. Now that I have to go to work too, it requires me to get up 2-3 hours earlier to take care of horses before we leave for work. So I am basically doing most of what I was before, plus extra stuff for him, plus working 40 hrs a week. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> If he would just get up at 8:30 instead of 9:00, and make breakfast while I did the horses, I could get up a 1/2 hr later, and wouldn't be so rushed while he saws logs!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I mentioned this again (very nicely) after I posted this, and he said, incredulously "well, I did make breakfast a couple days ago." Well, once doesn't really help me much. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

thanks for sharing.

Liza

Liza, just tell him directly and exactly what you need, don't get mad at him. The magic words with most guys are: "I really need your help!" If you start off with accusations like "you aren't helping me, blah, blah" they just get all defensive and do just enough to shut you up. The "I need your help" path always seems to work miracles for me because they really do want to help usually!