Hey there folks,

Long time no post, I know. If you've followed my story, and are interested in an update and perhaps giving me your 2 cents worth, check out my post over on D/D:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=34&t=010616#000006

Jen

<small>[ February 10, 2004, 08:32 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Hey Jen! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You said in your post, "I either want him to start truly working on this relationship, or I want out." And you've been saying that same thing for almost 2 yrs now. What on earth makes you think things are going to be different now?

I think you should just go ahead with the finalizing of the D. You've paid the money, things are all set to go, so follow through with the plan.

If your H still wants to be seen in public with you, he can do it AFTER a D is final as well. It is SO EASY to get married, and really, if things are going well enough, you could do just that. Get married to him, again.

The fact is, that should you and he reconcile the M, it will be a totally new M anyways. It HAS to be, otherwise, you'll both be simply repeating previous mistakes. Why not REALLY start from scratch?

Besides, following through with the D means you have nothing to lose. If your H throws it in your face, and uses that as an excuse to not want to be with you anymore, then he's manipulating you again. You need to stop falling for his guilt trips. Co-dependency really sucks.

So tell me... why exactly are you halting the proceedings?

Karen

Jen

I couldn't have put it better than Karen. If I remember rightly, MB suggests that we should look for consistent patterns of behaviour rather than looking at one day or one instance.

Please correct me if I am wrong, but your H has consistently used you for SF, manipulated you, refused to be seen with you in public, left you abusive messages, threaten you with not seeing you at all, continued EAs with 2 of his girl friends, got drunk and then abused you, blamed everything on you without addressing his behaviour, oh and never ever held his hands up to look at his part in the breakdown of your M. What positive things has he consistently done? I guess he's been pretty consistent in saying how he was about to change his mind until you did something terrible, like trying to draw some boundaries, decided to proceed with DV rather than put up with is behaviour etc.

Sorry Jen, but like Karen, remind me again why you are putting this DV on hold?

I don't mean to be harsh, but I see you here in another 18 months/2 years saying the same things. What has fundamentally changed with your H to make you conisder halting the DV?

As ever, thinking of you and wishing you well.
Lisa

I guess the biggie is that in our last two visits/convos that he has reepeatedly tried to take all of the responsibility for our marital breakdown. He said that he should've reacted more angrily the first time I cheated on him, so it didn't happen a 2nd and 3rd time. He's said that he was wrong to develop his close friendships with both of those women, thinking he could help them out but not realizing how it upset me. I would try to respond with, no, the blame is to be shared, I could've also told the OMs "no", and chosen to walk away from the inappropriate situations.

This is a change in his tune, but then again, these are all words, not actions I suppose.

As it is, I last contacted him on Friday asking if he wanted to try to get together this weekend. He claimed he was too busy with family (3 birthdays). I won't contact him again, he'll have to contact me. I am not going to be the needy, begging wife. He needs to reach out to me. Besides, last night I managed to make tentative plans with some girlfriends to go to the mountains this coming weekend, which I'm really excited about. It's snowed 40 cm (over 3 feet) in the past week around here, and I'm itching to go snowboarding. I'd rather be away with the girls, than sitting around here all weekend because he finally has it in him to spend a few hours together this one weekend after 18 months.

Yesterday I cashed the cheque he gave me on Tuesday. My guess is it was some sort of stupid test for me on his part....to give me more $$ than I asked for to help with the legal fees (more than half), and then see if I cash the cheque or not. I've asked myself if I should I offer to give him a cheque back for the difference ($2500), since I only wanted/needed $500 more, or just leave it? My gut says just leave it and see what happens.

As I sit here typing this, I think I need my H to make a plea to me to not go ahead with the divorce because he cares about me and wants to be with me, and I don't realistically expect to get one.....(and of course I need a whole lot more than that plea....)...I think I'm leaning towards just filing it all and getting it over with. As many people have said to me, if we really work it out, we can always remarry. (But that's my rational side talking, my heart must be resting right now.)

Sigh, sorry for the rambling sort of post. My body's awake this morning, but my mind is still catching up.

Jen

It might not hurt to go over the things that he needs to DO to have a relationship, not the things he needs to SAY. Talk is cheap, actions take time and energy and are a good indicator of true feelings.

If he says he wants to try, say: "Show me" and and tell him what you need, and even ask him what he needs. He can do the work while the D proceeds. Or - after it is over for that matter. I concur with the others, it has been long enough and he has DONE nothing that we can see to make it any better.

How are you in all this? Are you doing better? Getting enough rest? Doing well in class?

Any chinook winds this winter? I always enjoyed a little surprise warmth when I lived in C.

SS

<small>[ February 01, 2004, 11:47 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hello still seeking,

As I read your post, I'm reminded of all the times before that I've sat down with him and asked him what he needs, and tried to tell him what I need, and got little or no response from him during the conversation, other than "I don't know" or "I don't want to think about it" or a dismissive "whatever you want." But, what you refer to is exactly what I want to do, have yet another of those conversations, with an emphasis on finding out from him what he's willing to DO, and letting him know what I need him to DO. I like your phrase though, to tell him to "SHOW ME".

The thing is, I reached out to him last, so I am not going to call him this week, he'll have to call me. If I don't hear from him by Thursday, I'll call him and let him know that I have plans and will be away for the weekend, and that I am disappointed that I haven't heard from him all week. Is this playing games, or is this being reasonable?

I am doing generally great, aside from the indecision surrounding my marriage. I definitely get enough sleep. I just completed my first 1/2 marathon down in Las Vegas last week after 4 months of consistent training, and even managed to beat my goal time, all good stuff! I'm not in class, other than as the teacher. I've figured out that teaching is a JOB, not my life, so I'm doing okay there as well, except for the "joy" of interim report cards this week which always take extra time. No chinook winds around here in Edmonton (not in Calgary actually), it's been below -25 degrees Celsius for over a week, today's high is going to be a balmy -15 degrees.

Even though I'm generally doing okay, and I'm not depressed or anything, I am not enjoying the unsureness about my future again....there are some things I would book for the upcoming summer if I KNEW I'd be divorced, but I don't dare book if we're going to be together and working on our marriage. Those things are some coursework out of province during my summer months off, and there are deadlines coming up soon for the bursaries to pay for them...the thing is if I even mention this to my H, he'd say, just divorce me and go on your course if that's what's more important to you. It's NOT "more" important to me, it's just important is all. Being with my H for 12+ years meant that I would never consider taking a 3 week course away from home, we'd never have been willing to spend that much time apart, but if I'm going to be divorced, I might as well take the opportunity I figure. I figure I'd better not even mention the "opportunity" to my H though.

Jen

Hi Jen
Did you know that conversation is one of your top needs? Sometimes I think one of the reasons you continue to visit with him to have that need met - at least in part. Conversations with strangers are not the same as conversations with
H, even if he is close to being X H.

As I read your post, I'm reminded of all the times before that I've sat down with him and asked him what he needs, and tried to tell him what I need, and got little or no response from him during the conversation, other than "I don't know" or "I don't want to think about it" or a dismissive "whatever you want." But, what you refer to is exactly what I want to do, have yet another of those conversations, with an emphasis on finding out from him what he's willing to DO, and letting him know what I need him to DO. I like your phrase though, to tell him to "SHOW ME".
My mom is from Missouri, and that is the "Show Me State," that's the state motto. You can even write him a nice letter so he has something to read while you are gone to the mountains. Tell him again that you want to reconcile, tell him that you know there are differences between you that prevent you from understanding each other, tell him what you need from him, and ask what he wants from you. If he wants more time you can tell him that is unrealistic and that if he feels that way, he can call you and ask you out after the D. I tend to feel that Karen, and others are right, in that he has had plenty of time, but there is no reason (as long as you can take it emotionally) not to work on him as you finish up the D.

The thing is, I reached out to him last, so I am not going to call him this week, he'll have to call me. If I don't hear from him by Thursday, I'll call him and let him know that I have plans and will be away for the weekend, and that I am disappointed that I haven't heard from him all week. Is this playing games, or is this being reasonable?

I believe there is no reason to say you are disappointed - after all, you are working on the D, and he knows that. ( I haven't spent much time on the D board, so I am not up on any late breaking news- if I get this wrong, you can correct me, or tell me to go read up on it.) I still think one of the best things you can do is to go on with your life and if he objects then you can say something like: "Duh, you won't spend time with me, even though I have asked you to over and over, do you think I will just sit around and mope about it?" Take the trip, enjoy your self. Send him a note if you have to, but don't keep your life on hold for him. You can include that in the note - that until you see actions that show he wants to remain married, you will just go on with your life.

I am doing generally great, aside from the indecision surrounding my marriage. I definitely get enough sleep. I just completed my first 1/2 marathon down in Las Vegas last week after 4 months of consistent training, and even managed to beat my goal time, all good stuff!
Shoot, we only live a few hours from Vegas, next time let us know. Glad this part of your life is going well.

I'm not in class, other than as the teacher. I've figured out that teaching is a JOB, not my life, so I'm doing okay there as well, except for the "joy" of interim report cards this week which always take extra time.
I did remember that you are a teacher, was hoping school was going well. We spend so much time at our JOB's that if they are not going well, it can be really tough.

No chinook winds around here in Edmonton (not in Calgary actually), it's been below -25 degrees Celsius for over a week, today's high is going to be a balmy -15 degrees.

Shoot, how did I forget that? I have lived in both cities. In Edmonton I lived up on the north west side, near St Albert. Na, seldom get the winds in Edmonton - but don't hold it against me that I spaced that one - OK?

( SS feels around his head, and wonders - I could swear I used to have some brain cells in there - what in the world happened to my memory lately?)

Even though I'm generally doing okay, and I'm not depressed or anything, I am not enjoying the unsureness about my future again....there are some things I would book for the upcoming summer if I KNEW I'd be divorced, but I don't dare book if we're going to be together and working on our marriage. Those things are some coursework out of province during my summer months off, and there are deadlines coming up soon for the bursaries to pay for them...the thing is if I even mention this to my H, he'd say, just divorce me and go on your course if that's what's more important to you. It's NOT "more" important to me, it's just important is all. Being with my H for 12+ years meant that I would never consider taking a 3 week course away from home, we'd never have been willing to spend that much time apart, but if I'm going to be divorced, I might as well take the opportunity I figure. I figure I'd better not even mention the "opportunity" to my H though.

Go on with your life, it is good to make and carry out plans. Don't be on hold for something that seems doubtful. You can always change things if you have to later. Again, if he says anything, tell him that you are waiting for actions that show he wants you, and until you get them, you have to live your life the best way you can.
" H, I have always been willing to come back and work on things, it's just that I see no actions on your part that show that you want me to. I figure that as soon as you show me you want me back, I will come, but until then, I have a life to live, and I will continue to live it."

I suspect you are going to get more comments to the effect that it has been long enough, and you should know by now that he won't respond, but you can do what you want, and you can continue to try even while the D proceeds to it's end. As you know from reading here over time, some couples find them selves again and remarry - and that is always an option.

Remember if you talk to him in person that he knows what to say to keep you on hold, and you shouldn't make promises to him unless he is willing to show by his actions that he is working on this.

I still think a note or letter would be best - but it's your decision.

SS

<small>[ February 02, 2004, 03:08 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Indeed, conversation is one of my tops needs. Conversations where I feel that I am genuinely being listened to, and treated as though what I have to say is interesting or worthwhile. I swear that in the months leading up to my A, my H was very dismissive towards me on a regular basis when I tried to have conversations with him. It irked me to no end that he seemed to almost prefer to talk to his little EA bimbos on the phone than talk to his own wife and truly listen to me. OM listened and validated the things I had to say, a definite dangerous thing that drew me in.

Actually SS, I am not "working on" the Dv, everything is signed and done. The week before last, my H signed all that he needed to sign. However, last Tuesday was the day I signed it all (that night I went and visited H) and early Wed. I phoned my lawyer and asking her to not file the actual divorce documents, just all of the division of matrimonial property documents. All it takes now is one phonecall from me to my lawyer, and the Dv documents go to the courts, and within 4-6 weeks, we're divorced.

No worries about the E vs. C mixup! I'm impressed you recalled even general details about my whereabouts.

In regards to making plans, if I do go ahead with applying for a bursary and signing up for that course in July, I can't not go. You can't say to the government, here, take your bursary money back.
I'll just wait a couple of weeks and then sign up or something.

I like the note/letter idea. It would give me a chance to say exactly what I want to say and not be brushed aside, ignored, or made victim of intentional subject changes during a conversation. However, my H's usual response to my letters and notes is to act as though they were never written and not acknowledge them at all. Avoidance, avoidance, avoidance on his part I guess.

I'm actually feeling somewhat surprised he hasn't tried to contact me yet. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that he knows I have my period this week, and there's no possibility for sex? Gee whiz that's a pretty sad situation, isn't it?

Something huge that makes me wonder if we could ever work things out is how important my friends have become to me since our separation. I have developed a real little network of girlfriends and I'm always doing things with them. My H on the other hand has denounced friends, except for the 2 EA bimbos, and now they both have boyfriends and don't have the time of day for my H. My H doesn't like or want friends, and if we were to try to get back together, he woudln't be willing to accomodate my friends. He claims to hate a few of them actually (almost like a jealousy I'd say, because they get to spend time with me). I don't think I could go from having so many good, caring and supportive friends to just my H. Another condition for our recovery would have to be accepting my friends into our life, at least to some degree.

Gotta get 2 work,

Jen

Am I doing the right thing by waiting for my H to contact me, since I was the last one to reach out to him? Or am I being childish or is this like my playing games?

As I just posted on my thread over on D/D, I haven't heard from him since last week. We had the big talk last Tues. We talked again briefly on the Wednesday (he called me, but since I was napping early in the evening, we only talked for a few minutes). Thursday I didn't hear from him. Friday I emailed him to ask if we could spend some time together on the weekend, he said no due to 3 family birthdays that were going to take up his time on the weekend. I haven't heard from him since his negative reply to my email. I reached out last, so I'm waiting for him to reach out to me.

I'm wondering if he's ticked off that I cashed the cheque he gave me last week and so he's not calling, or he knows this is the week that I have my period so he's not calling. I hope he's just busy with work and his family, so he's not calling.

(Yes, it's really starting to bother me that he hasn't contacted me in almost a week. Being back in limbo and not knowing where my life is headed STILL/AGAIN is bothering me. Not knowing whether to tell my heart to shut up, and suck it up because my marriage is over, or to allow my feelings for my H to actually continue to exist is hard!)

Jen

<small>[ February 04, 2004, 09:01 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Being back in limbo and not knowing where my life is headed STILL/AGAIN is bothering me.

Dare I suggest that YOU schlepped back over to limbo by telling your lawyer to (once again) put the divorce papers on hold? You can't complain about being there when you were at the wheel. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

You are driving your own train Jen. You are at the switch, do not make it about him and what he is or isn't doing. Make it about what YOU need to do. Make your word count. I have a feeling he isn't sitting at home trying to figure out what you are or aren't doing.

AND, yes....it does seem to me like you are playing games. We all did this in High School....looking back they were childish games. But, then again, we were CHILDREN then.

Hope I wasn't too hard with the 2x4.

committed

Yeah, I know I chose to put myself back in this land of limbo. All of the posters over on D/D made that very clear too.

Interestingly enough, he did contact me and ask me out to dinner yesterday. I went. I had pretty much the same reaction to him as I did when I went for dinner with him a couple of months ago before I told my lawyer to get rolling on the papers. I couldn't get over how negative he has become, how almost conceited he has become.

He told me too many stories of how if or when several people did or said something somewhat unkind to him, how he "got them back" with hurtful words, often something unkind about their body weight. He has little or no concern for the feelings of others it would seem. His "victim" mindset apparently gives him the sense that he has permission to be very hurtful to others if they do anything that is remotely unkind to him.

During dinner, I didn't bring up "us" at all until the cheque came. Then I asked him if maybe we could agree to spend more time together, maybe a minimum of a couple nights a week together, and I wanted to also ask about counselling, but that one question about spending more time together caused too much of a reaction. He tensed right up, turned in his chair almost like he was going to run out of the restaurant, and said "Don't put pressure on me! I can't handle you putting pressure on me. It makes me want to run the other way." He repeated that he can't make any guarrantees, and that if I can't take things as they come from him that I should just put the divorce through already. He went on to say that "all of this" has left him with a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach since last week, and that he's taken 2 sleeping pills and gone to bed at 8pm every night just so he doesn't have to think about it all. I tried asking him what he'd be comfortable doing, what he wanted then (if my suggestion to spend more time together was putting too much pressure on him), and he said he didn't know, famous same old answer.

So, in short, he still isn't willing to make any sort of promises or commitment to me. I couldn't even dare to ask him about counselling or he'd have gotten up out of his seat and run out of the restaurant.

I figure I will try spending at least one more dinner or other get together with him, and then decide, but he left a sour taste in my mouth last night. And contrary to his usual behaviour, there was no phone call when I got home to talk any further. My guess is he was worried that if we talked further that I'd continue putting pressure on him,and he would've been right.

Jen

Jen, I'm sorry, but you're truly pi$$ing me off. You're CHOOSING to get up on that same emotional roller coaster with the guilty foundation. STOP IT!!!

P L E A S E ! ! ! ! !

Your (hopefully soon to be EX) H is not changing one single bit. That negativity of his will only drag you down, if you continue to be around him. You need to just up and tell him that you love him, you would like the M to "be" at some point, but not at this time. Tell him your reasons why (fence sitting on his part), tell him what you need for HIM to do (get off that gosh-darned fence!). And tell him that you're going through with the finalizing of the D, b/c YOU don't like the pressure he's been putting on YOU for the last couple of years! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> SHEESH!

Your H is SO MUCH like my ex, as far as the manipulation tactics go. They should start their own pity party club, and leave the rest of us alone to move on with our lives. LOL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

However, if YOU CHOOSE to stay in contact with your H, there is obviously nothing many of us can do. But let me assure you, you will find that your "support" will dwindle gradually, if not a bit speedier than that, b/c there are many people out there (and here), such as myself, who cannot bear to see you put yourself through such pain and sufferring.

Maybe you still need to hit "rock bottom" with your H? Maybe that's it? I certainly don't claim to know, and I suppose you really don't know either.

I'm sorry if this post has been a bit too harsh... but I'm tired of doing my own tiptoeing around your situation (call it HUGE triggers to me, or whatever my reasons are). I just wanted to tell it like it is, from how I see it.

And as with anything in life, you can take it or leave it. The choice is entirely YOURS. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Karen

p.s. Yes, you were playing games with your mindset on not wanting to call him b/c you were the last one to make a call. Jen, that very same mindset is what got you the M you had. Do you really want to continue along that path?

Jen,

I must have missed the post where your husband even met ONE of your conditions for working on the marriage...

Has he honestly moved even one step closer to you?

You know the man you married is not there...it is hard but face it and mourn him.

I am a hopeless romantic and if he even made one truly honest breakthrough I would say wait for more breakthroughs...but that hasn't happened.

For the record, thinking he should have been an even bigger jerk when the first affairs took place instead of what he did do is not a breakthrough...it is just a whiny poor me sob story.

It is your decision, it is your life...but he is not manipulating you anymore...all of this is your choice. Don't live in the what ifs of the future...If you don't have the strength right now to divorce then don't, but open your eyes to the situation. He has had NO breakthroughs...you just have cold feet. I am not saying I wouldn't balk either, I am sure I would if I were you but just be honest with yoursef about why you're hesitant. It is because you long for the past and feel the pain of reality...it is not because he is making changes to be the man he needs to be.

I think of you always.

ayslyne

Well folks, after a day or so to digest all that was said and done during dinner with my H on Wed., I don't want to be with that man. If we were strangers, and I went on that date with him, there would be no chance of me wanting to go on a second date, period.

You're right Topie, he hasn't changed one single bit from the alien he's been since we've separated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> It is because you long for the past and feel the pain of reality...it is not because he is making changes to be the man he needs to be. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DING*DING*DING, we have a winner ayslyne, you called it. This is pretty much exactly what's been going on in my muddled mind in the last little while.

Monday I go to my lawyer's office to pick up my settlement cheque, and I'm going to direct her to file the Dv papers.

I don't know if I care to communicate with my H from here on in, I don't know if I care to tell him that I'm asking her to file the papers with the court on the phone or in person. A childish part of me wants to buy a "congratulations on your new home" card for him (since as of this week he is the new SOLE owner of what once was our house), and in it let him know that I wish him well in life, but that I am moving on with mine. But more likely, I'll just write him a short note or put it in a blank more non-descript card and mail it to him to let him know that I'm finishing up the proceedings.

He's one big "victim" who chooses to shroud himself in negativity, and doesn't know how to even begin to show me that he cares. He doesn't deserve me and I don't want to be with him. I am actually thankful for the fact that we went for dinner b/c it reminded me of who he really is. When I visit him in what was our house, that is what pulls at my heart strings, and brings the past whooshing back and makes me foolishly think that the old times can be brought back again, but they can't.

Rational Jen is back. Thanks for helping me find her (although my H's behaviour at dinner helped to jolt her back to reality too).

Jen

<small>[ February 06, 2004, 08:25 AM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Sending your H a little note or card isn't worth the stamp Jen. There is absolutely no reason for you to tell him that you're continuing on with the proceedings. He'll find out well enough on his own.

I understand that desire for closure though, and trying to do that one last, seemingly "nice" gesture. If that's what you think sending a note will do, then go ahead.

HOWEVER.. if you're sending it to him as a last ditch effort to stir those waters again, because you're craving another reaction from him... then you best not do it. It's only you playing games.

Karen

Well, today's the day I go to my lawyer's for hopefully the very last time. I will be picking up "the cheque" (the payment from my H for my half of the equity in what was "our" house), and I'll be telling my lawyer to file the Dv documents with the court. I still feel a little sick inside, as it's a huge turning point in my life, but I know it's what's necessary. My outlook on life by myself at this point is one of optimism and ancticipation, whereas my outlook on a possible future with my H is one of dread and doubt.

He didn't seem to get from my reactions to him at dinner last week that I'm unimpressed. He called a few times while I was away this weekend. His message on Fri. night was "I'm just actually inviting you over on a Friday night," at 9pm actually. I'd complained to him that he only made time to see me from Sun.-Thurs. But 9pm, c'mon, his intentions sure aren't just social. Then he left another message on Sat. at 11pm, in which he complained about my inability to return his calls, and then mocked me for probably going out of town to see my best friend. Little does he know she matters more to me than he does now, and he ought to refer to her with kindness and respect in his voice so as not to push me away even further.

Oh well, I guess I am a wee bit thankful for his phonecalls that really just continue to demonstrate pretty much the same behaviour from him. It helps me to stay firm in my decision about what I will do later today.

I still would prefer that he hears from me about me putting the papers through, than just receiving some documents in the mail, or getting a call from his lawyer, but quite honestly, I can't/don't want to see him to do it. If I send him an email maybe that would be easiest and fastest and the most impersonal.

Jen

Well, 'tis done!

20 months post d-day, 4 months after my supposed "No more limbo" decision back in September, and about 2 weeks after I freaked out and told my laywer to put everything on hold, ALL the divorce papers are signed and as per my instructions to my lawyer today, they will be filed with the court TOMORROW! I will be a divorced woman in 4-6 weeks.

Now I just have to figure out (as I've already said) how to best inform my H of my decision. I don't want to see him, I'd even prefer to avoid calling him. E-mail is perhaps a good idea, but he tends to not read his home e-mail for days, and to send him an e-mail at work saying "I told my lawyer to file the divorce papers with the court" is kind of mean, especially considering he'll have to keep teaching all day following reading it.

It's a little bizarre how relieved and happy I feel about my decision this time. I guess now I truly do feel as though I've done all that I can do from my end, and it's time to walk away.

Jen

Try the old-fashioned way, send him a letter expressing your regret at how your lives turned out, but that you wanted to hear this from you...not some third party....send one regular, and one registered.

I don't plan to send this in the mail. I plan to directly drop it into my H's mailbox so that he gets it today, not on Valentine's day or something hurtful like that.

Here's my first draft. The last part brought me to tears again for the first time in days, but I know that I'll always have regrets, even if I rationally know that our relationship will no longer work out.
Any thoughts would be appreciated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My dearest John,

It is with sadness and regret but also a sense of peace that I write you this note. I have decided that I simply cannot go on with our relationship as it is. I cannot continue to just take things as they come. When we last spoke, you said that if I needed to put pressure on you, if I needed to place expectations on you, I should just put the divorce through already. So that is what I have done. I gave my lawyer the go ahead on Monday to file the divorce documents with the court. Therefore, sometime in the next 4-6 weeks, we will be officially divorced. I wanted you to hear this from me, and not from a lawyer or in a letter from some third party.

John, I want to thank you so very much for making me so happy for so many years of my life. I will always treasure and cherish my memories of our years together. However, I think you and I have both changed too much to be able to go back to what once was a happy and fulfilling relationship.

You deserve all the happiness that this world has to offer, and I honestly feel you are more likely to find that happiness with someone else at your side, someone whom you feel that you can trust, someone that you feel will truly show you their love for you every day of their life (something that you made clear that I didn’t quite do).

You will always be important to me John, I have loved you and you have been such a huge part of my life for such a very long time. I want you to know that I will always be your friend even if I no longer will be your wife. That is literally the hardest sentence I’ve ever had to write. I am so sorry for everything John. I never meant to hurt you. I never meant to chisel away at once was a happy marriage and an amazing partnership that once brought us both so much happiness.

Take care of yourself and your family John. You will always be in my heart.

With all my love, and a great deal of regret as well,

Jennifer
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

John,

It is with sadness and regret but also a sense of peace that I write you this note. I have decided that I simply cannot go on with our relationship as it is. I cannot continue to just take things as they come. When we last spoke, you said that if I needed to put pressure on you, if I needed to place expectations on you, I should just put the divorce through already. So that is what I have done. I gave my lawyer the go ahead on Monday to file the divorce documents with the court. Therefore, sometime in the next 4-6 weeks, we will be officially divorced. I wanted you to hear this from me, and not from a lawyer or in a letter from some third party.

Jen
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Jen,
I think that I would only send the first paragraph. It is to the point. I don't think that you need to add all the other filler. They are words that are meant to tug at the heartstrings...and it gives an appearance of still playing a game.

Just tell him...if you must...don't flower it up.

JMHO
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