Hi Uphill;

Sorry to hear of your struggles.

Your situation seems alot like my H's...een incuding the going bald and putting on weight (he is having hair replacement in March--something he needed to do for himself and is doing). Along with that the road rage (always had it, now its just worse because of the state of our marriage).

He continues to say in our fights that this is like a death...and no, he has nobody to talk to (nobody knows of A). He has one good friend, whom really doesnt phone him all that much anymore. He doesn't wish to tell anyone so I know it makes it harder on him.

I think he must feel as you do...failure to provide, failure to fit "what I want my man to look like "(His words...he saw a pic of OM that I had, I gave it to him because he literally begged....and it was a flattering picture of Om...so that did no help).

I know the brunt of this turing-the-marriage-around is on me, and should be for what I have done....I just need to find the strenght the desire and the emotion to do so.

S.

I know the brunt of this turing-the-marriage-around is on me, and should be for what I have done....I just need to find the strenght the desire and the emotion to do so.

the brunt is not on you because you had an affair...the brunt has always been on you...(and his on him) to CREATE the marriage you want and desire...

NO MORE emails to him like the one you sent...this is not to beat up on you...it is to change the way you see it...and the you gotta let go of the dire pressure you are putting on him and you...

emails like that are unfair because.
1. he's at work
2. he can't fix any of it from where it is..
3. he's trying to work and now he is worried about you...

get it...

If I could get someone to take the kids tonite (i cant ask family on a school nite especially with no good reason...i dont want them to know anything is up) i would cook a lovely meal with candles and nusic--if he came home to that today, he would be totally surprised for sure with the state of us right now.

we rarely get someone to take the kids...every other month if lucky...so we put them to bed...
and then we have dinner...
but more often..i light dinner candles with the kids there...they like ..it makes dinner more peaceful and special..

do something little sally..
make or buy him his favorite dessert and share that with him after the kids in bed...

take his hand after the kids are in bed and walk him in to the kitchen and slow dance with him...

send him another email that says I love you too!!!

I sent one the other day to Mr. Ark while I was in the middle of cleaning up around and said...

I was in the middle of cleaning and thought about you...and I smiled...see you later....

He ofcourse sent back this reply...

just let me know if you were in the middle of scrubbing the toilet?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Sally marriage is not an external entity that exist...marriage is exactly what we create it to be....

I am telling you sally you can do this ...because once I was once very like you.
and you are not bad or awful...
you are just a little lost..
cause there is a lot of pressure out there to not speak of the good things in our spouses...

..and now I am a very different person...

ARK

Sally,
I may get clobbered by the guys for this one, but in most cases it is the wife who makes the changes that turn a marriage around. Maybe not true for all the men who post here, but in general.

The old saying 'if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy' is pretty true if you stop and think about it.

It would be up to you to turn things around even if the shoe was on the other foot....my friend who recently discovered her husbands infidelity has changed things dramatically at her house by reading the books and educating herself about infidility.

It can be done..but I agree with you about it being up to you. You have lots more POWER than you ever imagined!
Diane

sally,

I am not going to 2x4 you but it is way way way too soon to be making judgements about whether the marriage can last or not. And this would not be the way to do it anyway--as if life circumstances are a test he flunks, and then you can feel okay about getting out of the marriage. I believe it cannot be done on that basis.

You are scarcely over Betty's husband (and I hope you made it thru today without contact) and all that goes with that. You need some time afterwards, time alone (where you 'feel' autonomous, for quite a while--where you are not acting/reacting 'in terms of' Betty's or your husband) before you can 'seriously' doubt the marriage...I am finding this out myself, I am trying to discard thoughts about the marriage's chances and thinking only about the best way(s) to take the first step(s).

I'm convinced there are certain characteristics of communicating about a marriage that determine whether a sound decision is made...even among wreckage such as an affair causes. But it involves acknowledging the marriage's inception/past, all before the affair, for what it was--to each individual.

I believe you each have to ask, and answer, "Why did I marry you?"

Everlong;

Only 1 1/2 hours till OM leaves work and I dont plan on sending an email...Ive nearly made it though the day.

I like how you refer to the OM as Betty's H...I have often thought about the fact that I am also the OW to someone....an awful awful thought.

I think we have some serious introspection to do...to see why we did come together in this life, and where we want to go from here.

I really hope we will sit together tonight, uninterrupted and discuss what our plan is.


S.

sally,

Good. The day is almost over, it is a day like any other.

About 'Betty's husband', I can't take credit for that, that's Pepperband's idea.

About the identity as OW--yes, that's part of you forever. But you can choose now how you want to respond to that...and who else you were then that led to it...and who you want to be now and in the future that will diminish it.

I did it.

I cannot lie..I sit here sad...wondering if he thought if i would write to wish him a Happy Birthday (although it shouldnt matter). Or if I even came into his mind-probably not actually.

I dotn like the thought of being the OW--NEVER did. It did bother me..infact, I used to be scared that he (OM) would think negatively me because I allowed myslef to be that to HIS wife. Odd? I dont like the fact that I would be hated by her, even though I have no clue who she is.

TOday is over....its kind of bittersweet, to be honest.

Cant beleive I did it.

Originally posted by sally2003:
I did it.


Cant beleive I did it.

We can!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Baby steps.... keep giving yourself reasons not to fail.

Pep

thank you pep..i needed that

s.

Congratulations Sally...you are stronger than you think!

Sally

Congradulations. You are stronger, and now you know you have strength.

Congrats, too Sally!! I knew you would be able to hold off and not send it - I think you will find with this day behind you, a huge weight is lifted. Now you can go forward and dive into improving your M.

Go for it - It holds lots of new excitement for you - if only you let it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Have a great day tomorrow!

Liza