Hi, I am new here but very interested in this website. I learned about it at the bookstore while looking for information on handling infidelity. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />
Many years ago, I found out that my father had cheated on my mother and also had a child with the OW. As years went by, no one talked about any of this. When i was in college, I found out that my father was cheating on my mother again (with someone else), and then it ended, then just a few months ago, I found out that he is (and has been for a long time) cheating on her again with the woman from years ago (the mother of his other child).
Now i have four other siblings. only one other one knows because i told her. and we dont' know what to do. my parents are in their sixties. It's hard to take at any age, but its really hard to take right now because we thought things were finally stable with them. there is a long history between them that would take too long to get into here, but there is alot of other stuff (that if anyone is interested in helping me out, i would share it with them so they would understand more).
Anyway, we don't know if my mother knows and i want to confront my father, but don't want to make waves. Also, with all of his past and current behavior, it has created a life for me where i do not trust men. i am engaged to be married this year and I have such issues getting past the fact that every man cheats.
can someone please help somehow....?

thanks
Jules

Well, for starters, and this is just my uneducated opinion here...

I think you should absolutely talk to your Father. It's not fair for you to feel burdened by his poor choices. Where you go from there, I don't know. But you should let him know that YOU know, and that you're not going to carry this weight any longer.

Wow, Jules. I am so sorry that you have been dealing with your father's infidelity for most of your life. It is truly painful to hear your story.

I don't think there is much you can do about your father's choices, Jules. I think you have every right to go to him, tell him you're aware of everything (both past and present) and that you're not going to keep any secrets from your mom. He either tells her he's seeing OC's mother again, or you will.

But this is their marriage. What they choose to do is out of your hands. You don't need to lie or cover up for your dad. His choices don't require you to back him up. You have your own choices to make in that respect.

As for your own pending marriage, congratulations. Not every man cheats, Jules. There are men on this board who never cheated as their wives were the ones who violated their vows. But I am concerned about you going into a marriage with these negative feelings about men. Perhaps some individual counseling for you would be in order before you marry, or perhaps couples counseling for you and your fiance.

In any event, you need to learn to stand up to your father. Otherwise, his choices will continue to put your life in turmoil.

But that's the first problem, "where do i go from there?" We don't have a close relationship, we never have and if I were to confront him I think it would just lead to bad things. And i know it would crush my mother if she found out (I'm assuming she doesn't already know), so that worries me too.
And i worry that if I were to create all of this bad stuff and something were to happen to one of them (they are older), then I would have to live with it for the rest of my life.
there is just so much to this,,its hard to explain it all.
i want to confront my father, but am scared of the outcome i guess.

Hi Jules and welcome to MB,

This is not a happy place to be but a supportive one. I am sorry you are having to deal with these issues at such a young age. No age is good for this kind of problem but your father's infidelity is now making you question all men in your life and that is not fair to the rest of humanity.

From your perspective and that of your siblings, I may not be able to help much. I know others here can since they have dealt with this issue first hand. I can share some insight:

1. As a W and mother, I would want to know but realize not every woman wants to hear of her H's infidelities.

2. As for approaching your father, I would consider it only after you have a 'plan'.

3. Plan: Work with a good MC to get guidance on how best to approach this matter with each of your parents. Either together or separately.

a. The OC is not to blame, just another victim like you and your family.

b. The OW maybe trying to get her clutches in your family's posessions. Don't put her past this, she may feel just as entitled as you but she is not. Neither is her child.

c. Watch the health of your mom and dad. Critical since they are getting up in years. Taking a secret that may not even be a secret to their graves may not be the wisest move but may feel safer for some. This is a very gray area of concern. Not one you will have all the answers for.

d. Realize your mother may already know but maybe more hurt knowing you children are aware.

4. Get solid counseling under your belt before approaching your parents, I know I said this before but it is critical. Phone counseling with Steve on this matter is strongly encouraged.

5. Know that not all men in this world are as distrusting. It isn't fair to them or you to feel this way. Please work with an IC (MB counselors can help in this regard also).

6. Please read the bood Surviving an Affair. It may help U to learn how to discuss it with your parents.

7. There was a Dr Phil episode a few weeks back about a family dealing with many problems, one of them was the fact that the OC never knew his father. Later the children from the orignal family was contacted but initially they did not want to have anything to do with the OC. The OC prior to this knowledge, had an A. It was an interesting show.

Now why I speak as such is because my H (xws) has parents who both had As on each other. H has a 1/2 sister 6 weeks younger than himself which he found about 17 years ago. Both his parents were aware of the OC but the children were not until much later. I even met the OC and she could pass for H's twin sister. She is a nice person but obviously with a lot of emotional baggage.

This emotional baggage can lead some parents to hide these dirty family secrets and ruin one's life. It is a hard thing to live with. That is why it is vital not to face this alone.

All the best.

L.

<small>[ January 31, 2004, 04:39 PM: Message edited by: Orchid ]</small>

This sounds somewhat familiar to my story. I suggest you start counseling right away so you can build a strong and healthy marriage from the begining.
Past history has a way of creeping in and can be the driving force in the failure of a marriage.

I would wait for more advice from more experienced MB members but I think you should confront your Dad. This can't be done in anger and should probably be done with the help of a trained counselor. I would't go there with your Mom yet. I'll bet she already has some idea, but again, I think to do this constructively you will need some professional help.

Good luck and blessings for your new marriage. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by jparrott2:
<strong> But that's the first problem, "where do i go from there?" We don't have a close relationship, we never have and if I were to confront him I think it would just lead to bad things. And i know it would crush my mother if she found out (I'm assuming she doesn't already know), so that worries me too.
And i worry that if I were to create all of this bad stuff and something were to happen to one of them (they are older), then I would have to live with it for the rest of my life.
there is just so much to this,,its hard to explain it all.
i want to confront my father, but am scared of the outcome i guess. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You know, Jules, I don't know if I would worry so much about confronting your dad at this point. I would worry more about your mother. She is being destroyed behind her back and may not know it. As her daughter, you have a responsibility to warn her what your dad is doing to her.

She needs to know what is happening in her own life so she can protect herself from your dad. You owe it to your mother to warn her.

That would be your first priority as I see it. As far as your dad goes, I hope you do let him know how disgusting and horrible his behavior is. Your silence only condones his unmanly despicable behavior.

I will throw this in just for consideration...

I work with a lady whose husband has had countless affairs on her through the years. They are both in their early 60s. She knows about the As and keeps her mouth shut about them. (although you can tell they are driving her into depression). Her motto is "There will never be another Mrs. ______ _____." A woman who has dug her heels in like this one has, would probably not appreciate any interference. Those of us who know her H is involved with another woman, just keep our mouths shut because she's made her stand clearly known.

jamup, I considered that this may be the case here. She may know and just not care. That is often the case.

However, it would do no harm to tell her if she already knows, and could only HELP if she doesn't know. The only risk she takes in telling her if she already knows is that she annoys her, whereas the risk in NOT telling her is HUGE if she doesn't know.

As long as she does know, she can take steps to protect herself legally, physically, and financially from his destruction. If she doesn't know that she needs to protect herself from him, Lord only knows what could happen to her.