Just_J,

I heard/saw that you are looking for me. My W showed me on one of her posts that you were looking for me. If you don't know, my W is JG, but I think you knew that. I have so nuch on my mind, but that is going to be a separate post. Please reply ASAP, and I'll fill you in as much as I can. Thank you for your concern.

*blink* *blink*

Okay, now. Remember, I have a cold. I'm sniffly and very tired here, and my head is completely fuzzy.

So would someone kindly point me to the post where I asked about you? Because, well, uhm. I feel stupid, but I haven't the faintest idea what I might've wanted. *sigh*

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

JG, thank you so much for telling me where it was! I was totally fogged in last night, and never would have figured it out.

And, now that I have the reference point, ok! Wantmypookey, I'd like to know what's on your mind. There's a LOT going on, of course, so if you would focus mostly on the "here's how I feel RIGHT NOW TODAY" stuff, that'd prolly be good.

And here're the questions I wanted to ask you on that other thread:

You're both hurting from what's happened in the past, and from the affair that you had with OW. So the question now is, how do you both heal from it? What can YOU do to help heal yourself, and what can you do to help with JG's healing?

Just J,
I think that the other thread may be able to fill you in as far as how I am feeling 'today'. Thosa questions that you wrote at the bottom hit the nail on the head.

I went and spoke with a pastor again today. He was very encouraging and seems very intereasted in helping the both of us. He wants to incorporate Christianity, which is a good thing in my eyes. He seems like he will be very proactive, where there will be things that each of us needs to do between sessions with him. And I have to admit that the price is one that can't be beat (FREE). I spent about 1 hour and 20 minutes with him today. He was asking what my "hope for outcome" was and was asking where I was on a lot of things. He wants my W to come in to see him as well. He has offered to counsel us together, but wanted to know where she stands individual as well. I am very excited to be working with him on this. I hope my W will go see him. He seems to care, but at the same time he doesn't candycoat things.

That is where I am at right now. I am actually at our place typing this up. I think my W might be seeing that I am really freakin' serious about getting this fixed, for the both of us. The place that both of us are in is not a good one. I plan on keep plugging away, real hard at things. That way I don't have to try to explain things. My actions will speak louder than all the scrambled words that come out of my mouth.

Well, I am going to check the other thread. It's called "What am I doing Wrong?"

Hope to get come comments back from any and all.

I LOVE MY POOKEY <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

WMP, what's your plan for healing your marriage?

Just J,

I think that counseling through this pastor will be very helpful for the both of us. I am also working on reading the rest of Torn Asunder, Self Matters, and doing all the MB questionaires with my W.

I don't believe that putting this M back together is going to be a matter of -do these things and then everything is fixed. I believe that it is going to be an ongoing process, which is a good thing. Little by little I want to get to know my W again (or for the first true time). I want to continue to try to improve things each and every day. These are the things I plan to begin recovery for the both of us. I know that other steps will come down the road, and I can use MB principles as a map to help guide me, right?

So, does that answer your question? Is there anything else that I should/could be doing more or differently?

Please help a WFH. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I keep trying, but I feel like my efforts are never in the right direction.

Okay, let's talk real action here.

- Yes, counseling is good. I have no idea whether THIS counselor will help you or not.

- Have you learned to end all lovebusters?
- Have you learned what your wife's emotional needs are?
- Are you working to meet those needs in ways that she's enthusiastic about?
- Have you committed to spending a MINIMUM of 15 hours a week with her and only her, engaged in RC, Conversation, Affection, and Sexual Fulfillment?
- Are you DOING it?
- Are you revising your inner dialogue of hurt, anger, and entitlement (have you taken an anger management course)?

You're absolutely right that it's an ongoing proceses. The above are the first steps. If you haven't taken 'em, you're not serious and your marriage is in serious deep doo doo.

Just_J
I am not planning on returning to the counselor that I was seeing most recently. He was one of those types of counselors that like to sit there and say things like, "hmm, I see.." I would clasify him as one of the types that likes to listne. I NEED someone who will give me things to be working on before the next appointment. I have really good feelings about the pastor that I have been to talk to several times. He has used terms similar to things I have heard Dr. Phil say and he genuinely cares.

I have learned to end all LB's but occasionally I overstep that and let a few fly. I know that it is a bad thing and I am doing better.

As far as her emotional needs go, I am constantly learning. I feel that I am getting to know her better and better. It is magical.

I am always trying to meet those needs. I hope she sees my desire and helps guide me in my efforts (if needed).

We have not specifically set aside designated time, but I do try to spend as much time with her as possible. As I have said before, I am not the best at time management.

This is what I plan on doing, rather contnue doing since most of this is already started:

1. IC or MC-> probably through the pastor
2. Books-> Retaionship Rescue, Self Matters, finish off Torn Asunder, others
3. Workbooks
4. Questionaires-> EN, personal history, LB
5. Committed time spent with W-> some time each day when we are alone, working on M, or getting to know each other better.
6. Devote my life to my W and our M and our family
7. Try to improve our situation-> mentally, financially, spiritually, physically

Not neccesarily in this order.

Going to go work on these things now.

Letting a "few LBs fly" is not ending them completely. I'm interested in greatness, here, a turnaround unlike any other. Do you have it in you? What will that take?

How's JG feeling about your needs-meeting? What's good/bad/indifferent there? You hope she'll guide you in your efforts... but have you asked her to? And really taken the responses to heart?

And it's time for you to learn to schedule and spend time with JG. Being "not the best" at time management doesn't get you off the hook here. How about sitting down with JG today and scheduling out 15 hours over the next week? Then post it here so we can keep you accountable. And NOT relationship talk time!! I'm talking about time when you can actually enjoy each other. Talking, playing, laughing, hugging.

And speaking of accountability, if you want someone who will really give you assignments and things, why aren't you working with Penny or the Harleys or someone else who'll hold you accountable?

I assume that was actualy WMP rather than JG. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

So like, Friday you're going to report back on stuff, eh? Actually, maybe JG should...

- Number of LBs this week
- Quality of needs-meeting
- Number of hours spent together, alone, doing fun stuff
- Etc.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I have a list of things that I have commited to working on to help me and help my M. The list is reasonable, but keeps me focused and working in a forward direction. I have noticed change within my W as well, and she attributes some of it to her seeing me trying. I know we are not in the clear, but I do feel like we are doing good things to work towards recovery and an improved M. I look forward to the day that my W feels like the luckiest woman alive.

Just_J, please, let me know if there is anything else I could or should be doing?

Thanks

I had planned a date for Friday, as it was we revamped what we did, but I think she was pleased that I had made arrangements for the kids and that I had planned out the evening. Earlier in the week, we had spent some time together, but probably not as much as we should have. We went out together on Tuesday and did some shopping. During the day of Friday, we also ran some errands together and were having a decent day. I know this is not the best 'quality time'. We usually have several hours at the end of the night and we try to go to bed together. That is partly why I haven't posted in a few days, I feel like I need a few more hours at the end of the day to try to get more stuff done.

As far as the status report, read what jazzey writes and read my other post. As far as my opinion: and it is just that, my opinion:

Tuesday-spent the night on the couch \
Wednesday-spent the night on the couch > <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Saturday-spent the night on the couch /
Sunday-spent the night on the couch /

T & W was because she went up first and was almost asleep and I went up and whispered to her and woke her up. She got mad and sent me to the couch.
Sat. I didn't call and let her know that my hopes of getting off work early weren't going to happen and I would have to work my whole shift.
Sun. she kept telling me to leave, but I kept telling her I have a right to be here too. Well, the couch is better than being put out to the street.

By the way, I am at home but all my stuff is still in suitcases and garbage bags. I was told that she needed to clean out the closet before I unpack...She has been busy with the kids and everything that she does, plus she was making a really nice "history of us" type of book (I absolutely love it, it made me cry) which she gave me for Valentine's Day. So I didn't want to bug her about it, but I still feel a little bit __?__ because I am not really 'moved' back in. I am really not trying to sound like I am complaining. I at least get to sleep here and spend some time with my W and kids and stuff so it is really pretty good in a lot of respects.

It is quite late and I was told I need to take care of the kids so she can get papers to file for D from the library, first thing in the a.m. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> So I guess I will stop rambling and get a few hours of sleep...

Are you two working with anyone? The Harleys, Penny, someone like that? You sound like you're going through many of the standard painful experiences of recovery, and I want for you both to have the support of someone who can really help you plan this out and guide you through the rough spots.

Since you both read, I'm talking to both of you right now:

This ongoing stuff about divorce that's coming from JG. Is it about being afraid of being hurt even more? Is this the club you're using to punish WMP for your own emotions? If that's what it is, uhm, please stop. It's not going to help anything. Your fear and hurt and anger are all completely, utterly understandable. I have felt all of it and have probably ranted and raved as much as you, though at different junctures.

Now, though, JG, I'm wondering who the real threat to the marriage is. Is it WMP, who seems to be working assiduously toward reconciliation? Or is it JG, who's hurting really badly and doesn't know what to do with that hurt?

Just_J, I want to inform you and all others that I was probably not completely thorough in my description of what I am doing. I would not classify my efforts as diligent; more like, decent. I told my W that I would:

post here (daily?)
go to church weekly
meet with the pastor weekly (basically IC)
read 1 hour/5 days a week
make sure I do school work ~1/2 hour/week min.
spend 10 hours min./week on "us" time
finish the 2 letters she has asked for-due last Sat.-extended due to the holiday

I made this list, thinking that it is good and also not unrealistic. I have only been doing about 1/7 of what I stated. I have good intentions, but I manage my time so badly. I had a revelation, that I focus on only these things while home. Also, I need to make it clear to my W that when I am not home that my focus is completely on her. Sounds kind of weird, but I naturally am attracted to my W in the sense of wanting to spend time with her and interacting with her. Like right now, I am doing this, but she is doing something else and yet we are still making comments (good ones) back and forth. I have a hard time accepting that I can be doing one thing and still devote my attention and love to/for my W. I am starting to learn, slowly.

As far as working with anyone? I have been sporadically meeting with a pastor and I really like how he seems to care and want to help. I didn't see him last week (very bad), but I plan on seeing him this week. I hope that maybe my W will go with me one of the times soon.

As far as my comments about feeling removed or alienated because my stuff is still in suitcases, I am to blame. I could have done more to try to 'move back in'. Also, there are things that my W asks me to do that I don't follow through very well on. So I apologize if my last post was not the whole truth I was not looking for sympathy, but I admit that I was feeling really crappy and was in a bad place emotionally. I have more things I want to work on so I will ask the questions I accumulate the next time I post.

I wanted to try to clarify what I could.

<small>[ February 17, 2004, 12:34 AM: Message edited by: wantmypookey ]</small>

WMP,

Working with your pastor is a good thing, I am sure.

However, I strongly encourage that the two of you get in touch with the Harleys or with Penny Tupy. You really, really need someone to help you through these early stages of recovery.

Just J had a really good question for your lovely wife about the true intention of her divorce talk. This area and others are where a professional marriage coach can help enormously. The pastor is good, yes. The coach will add so much dimension to your growth and recovery and will help point you in the right direction.

Please, for the sake of your future together, please get in touch with someone. It is VERY well worth the investment.

WMP, please see my posting to JG in her thread "what wmp doesn't tell."

Please, please, please contact a professional coach, put together a solid plan for recovery, and implement it.

Excuses, including bad time management, will only destroy your marriage. Please, don't let that happen.