I have posted twice before about the same topic I'm about to bring up now, but I'm still struggling and need to share.

As I wrote before, I am happily married to a wonderful man. I've been married for almost 6 years. Two years before we were married, I kissed another man. I was with my husband (then boyfriend at the time), but we weren't engaged. Anyway, you can read in one of my previous posts about the incident.

The problem now is: I told my husband four months ago about the kissing incident, and he has told me that he completely forgives me. I'm struggling because I still can't believe it ever happened. When it happened, we were in different countries, and I was so repulsed by my actions, I just buried the whole thing.

My heart breaks now every time I think about it, and that I didn't tell my husband about it then. We've talked about it several times now, and he says that he knows without a doubt that he would have forgiven me and that we would still be together today.

I've been praying a lot and seeing a therapist because I can't seem to forgive myself. I feel I don't deserve my husband and the life I have now. And I get anxious just thinking that if I would have told him (even though he says otherwise), I may not be where I am today. And I love him so much.

People pass terrible judgments on people like myself who have done what I have done. I have always tried to live a moral, giving life. I'm so scared that what I did then was a defining character moment that I can't "fix".

I suppose I would just like to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this...

Alegna. Please stop. What can you do today to change that day. Nothing. what you can do today is let the past affect your future. If you want to grow the relationship with your husband do not let this kiss bring new anxieties into your life now. Your husband forgave you. Let it die. Otherwise you are going to make a mountain out of a mole hill. You did it you now know it was wrong, you would not do it again, and you cannot change the past. Let it die.

aelgna,

I haven't read your other post but unless there is a WHOLE LOT more to this than your post here implies, let it go. You were just dating. You weren't even engaged. You didn't marry your H until TWO YEARS later.

You've told your H about it, and that it bothered you. He's cool with it. Quit worrying about it, there is NOTHING there to worry about. Your worry is just wasted effort and negative energy.

If you find yourself worrying about it again, redirect your efforts and energy into doing something nice for your H. Write him a note, buy him a card, put a heart on his mirror in lipstick.

I think that you do have reason to feel guilty -- not for what you did but for your lack of complete honesty in telling your H about what you did during the last two years of dating and for six years after you married. The guilt of NOT TELLING ate away at you until you finally confessed. The confession is recent, not the action. Go look at the material on radical honesty that Harley has. What you did in and of itself is not very bad. I hooked up with a former boyfriend (and it was very sexual) after I started dating my H and felt just terrible about it, but I told him. Four months later, he realized that I had meant that this had occurred just recently and not an entire year earlier. I felt absolutely terrible that he hadn't understood, but the facts were on the table, and he knew what he was getting when he married me. There were many things I told my H before I married about how sexually active I was before we married. Sad to say, he seems to have used my promiscuity as an excuse for having an affair, but that's his problem. I needed to be honest.

You have done what you could to repair the damage to your marriage by telling your husband what you did. Maybe now you can talk with him about how much that affected you -- that you felt like you were living a lie -- because you didn't tell him. Once you have explained all this to him, you have done everything you possibly can to make it up to him -- and then you need to forgive yourself for your duplicity.

If you are Christian, think about Jesus saying, "I desire mercy and not sacrifice." Christ asks you to be merciful to yourself and not expect to suffer for past mistakes.

I agree that it is the dishonesty that is eating at you. What you should do now is instead of dwelling on that kiss, concentrate on making radical honesty a part of your relationship. Did you go shopping and put to many charges on the credit card? Tell your husband. (for example) As you prove to yourself that you can be honest, your faith in yourself will grow. Honey, I only dated my husband for 2 months before we were married, so things that happened 2 years before the wedding have been long forgotten. Let the kiss go/ Hang on to your new-found honesty.

Your life is not built on a lie. Don't let your discomfort about this situation tear down what you and your husband have built on LOVE!

Thank you so much for all the feedback. I really appreciate it!

I have read all of the Harley material on Radical Honesty, etc., and believe me when I say honesty has always been important to me. It's part of my Christian upbringing.

Anyway, thanks so much, everyone.