How much to you tell your kids?

Of course, I understand it depends on many things.

I need some advice and/or experiences that may help me out. Here's my story (briefly):

H had 6 week EA/PA this past summer. It ended when I discovered it. He lied for three months about it being a PA - 12/22 was DDay #2.

We are on the road to recovery. Both in IC, soon to begin MC. WH is doing everything right.

We have 3 kids: almost 18 y.o. D (mine from previous relationship), 10 y.o. S and 8 y.o. D. (ours).

Of course, our eldest knew something was going on between us from the beginning (actually she sensed our extreme problems over the summer that preceded the actual A). I talked to her that we were having problems, but working it all out. She has seen me crying on occasion and was upset but I assured her I was OK. Should I be specific with her? She has not asked specific questions. She may have overheard some phone conversations w/ my sister and she saw a book I was reading in my room (After the Affair) but has made no comments. She has the common Step father relationship with my H - deep down loves him but resents him "replacing" her dad (not accurate - her dad has been very absent from her life from a young age). I am afriad if she knows, she will be so angry with WH that it will damage their already fragile relationship.

As for the little ones, they of course also sense something amiss. We have held all of our conversations in private, away from the kids. But we had spent so much time right after DDay huddled in our room that they must have thought it odd. We display affection towards each other in their presense (more so now than ever).

Son is displaying some behaviors that worry me. He has been stealing (candy at home w/o asking) and lying (about that and other things). Younger D is extra clingy. I try to give her the attention and hugs etc. that she needs.

The younger kids know the OW. WH became involved with her from cub scouts. How much she interacted with them, and how much she and WH displayed in front of them, I don't know. (Have to ask tonite!) In fact, on DDay prior to my discovery, we attended a scout function (one the few I attended - should have been to EVERY one in hindsight!) and the OW pulled into a parking spot beside our car. Younger D and I were in the car. When OW got out she waved and said Hi to D. I asked Who is that? D replied "That's (said her name), one of the Moms. She's nice." When I made the discovery of the A - I knew instantly it was her! Yet had never laid eyes on her til that day - weird!

So any words of wisdom? Suggestions? Personal experiences with your own kids?

GRRR! I had an intelligent, eloquent reply and ... 'you are not logged in'. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I read a great article about this but can't locate it now. If/when I find it, I'll post the link.

Primarly, you should always tell the kids something is up, because they will know there is some kind of problem. They need not know infidelity is involved. Something simple like "I'm sure you've noticed we're bickering/having a lot of private conversations... we're working things out and have a game plan" should suffice. Children will sense something is amiss but won't always feel comfortable asking about it, especially if they've gotten the message (through closed door conversations etc.) that it's not to be talked about. When you mention "it", be sure to let them know that you love them and you're there to answer any questions they might have.

Secondarily, there is a difference between privacy and secrets. Privacy, or keeping information to yourself, is perfectly acceptable, and even necessary. Secrecy, or sharing information with the child(ren) and asking them not to tell the other parent, or their siblings, is NOT okay. It puts a huge burden on the child and teaches them that dishonesty is acceptable (or more likely creates conflict within them, as they try to balance dishonesty with loyalty to their parent). If they ask pointed questions that you don't care to answer completely, it's okay to tell them that the specifics are private (but that you're getting help, or whatever).

Thirdly, it mentioned the concept of boundaries. A boundary is a "line" between the immediate family, for example, and the rest of the world. It's okay to let the children know that this is something that is private to the family and not anyone else's business.

In light of that, if you feel you can have an age appropriate conversation with all the kids, I'd mention it to all of them at once, just so they know it's okay to talk about it. If talking to them individually is more natural (and less frightening than a family council <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ) be sure to let them know that you've talked to their siblings or plan to talk to their siblings, so they don't assume they're expected to keep a secret.

How about sitting down with the oldest D and step-dad and telling her there have been problems. Invite her to ask questions...any question she wants. And then answer them. If she has the guts to ask a question...then she is prepared to know the answer. Talk for as long as you need to. Never leave the conversation with one person angry. Keep the conversation going until everything is worked out...(i.e. if she gets angry sit with her until she can work it out in her mind).

Then I would suggest a family meeting with everyone. The eldest has had many questions answered so won't ask many more, and the questions the littler ones ask will be more age appropriate.

If they can ask it, they are prepared for the answer. You CAN answer any question...

For instance,

Why are you and Dad not getting along?

"We have not been treating each other well, have been lazy about showing each other how much we love each other, and we have been spending time with other people. (Time for Dad to step in) I found friendship with another woman and this has been hurtful. You mom and I are working on this though. I no longer talk with this friend."

Who was she?

"It may be someone you know and I'm afraid you will look at this person differently and it may keep you from having fun. I will tell you when you get older and this person is no longer around."


Keep talking until you have answered every question. Make sure Dad/Step-dad answers too.

My 12-year old daughter is RELENTLESS in finding out why we quit doing things with Mr & Mrs "XYZ" and their son. The OM was my "best" friend, as well as boss, and we spent virtually every weekend together. My son & his were best friends ages 5 and 7 at the time and all of a sudden *BOOM* they no longer see eachother to play - with no explanation.

I don't know what to tell the kids either. They're now 12/10/8, with only the eldest pursuing the matter without end.

I told her something happened between the adults and we no longer want to do anything with eachother, period. I finally got worn down and told my daughter she needed to talk to mom (WW) about her questions and please leave me alone.

My daughter persisting also opened a wound time and time again, so I put the proverbial monkey on my WW to deal with.

I know my daughter will eventually get the truth from somewhere. What happens then, I don't know and would love anyone with a similar experience to share theirs so I can be prepared.

She is going to find out, wouldn't you rather she hear it from you?

You could say something like...

"I can only tell you my part. I don't want to be around them because Mommy and X have developed a friendship that may be hurtful to our marriage. Being around them reminds me of the friendship mommy has. This is the way I am choosing to stay out of the situation. I'm sorry it is hurting the whole family. Any other questions?"

You can always deflect answers to Mom. You can talk about how this situation makes you feel. You don't have to relay every gory detail.

By not telling the kids, it's a bit like betraying them too. The kids were caught up in this mess. Imagine if you knew NO details...wouldn't it drive you nuts, and you would pester your S until they told? Now you know where your D is getting it from.

I would talk with the oldest first, and then get all the kids together. Getting them together with your W too would be helpful. Then answer any questions they have. Otherwise, by telling the oldest...she'll just pass the info along to the younger 2.