and I am looking down. At the risk of exposing myself to abhorrence, I am posting this message and seeking the help of anyone who feels they can contribute to helping the make the right decision.

I have been married for 9 years. My wife is a wonderful woman. She is very stable and steady. She is well respected at work. She is very responsible. Most importantly, she is an extraordinary mother to our three children. I love my wife.

I often feel sexually unfulfilled, however. My wife is a very passive person. She rarely expresses an interest. She never initiate's sexual contact. She never flatly rejects overtures, but can sometimes seem bored. She never wants to talk about sex.

I have expressed my feelings to her. I have explained to her that the I consider the act of making love to be a very integral part of a healthy marriage. I have attempted to find out what she likes in bed and what arouses her, but she cannot, or does not, talk about it. She is promised to try harder, but invariably two to three weeks after our conversation will be back to square one.

Now, I am on the verge of making a very bad decision. I have been engaged in a flirtatious "conversation" with person whom I find extremely physically attractive. In character, she does not compare my wife. In physical traits and sexuality, she is everything I wish my wife would be. We have not crossed the line physically, and the only reason is that I have turned her down. She has made it very clear to me that the decision is mine to make, and she has made herself available to me.

I know it's wrong, but there are times when I am feeling particularly sexually frustrated, when I am experiencing anxiety about the the above referenced issues. I have reached a point where I don't even want to talk about the sexual problems any more with my wife because I know what the outcome will be. There have been times when I almost make the telephone call to this other woman.

I need your help making the right decision. I know what is right, but there are times when it just seems like it would be so easy, so convenient, so physically gratifying, that I am afraid I will do the wrong thing.

Don't do it!!! Grass isn't greener on the other side. It causes so much pain for everyone involved. The pleasure isn't worth the pain.

My H is currently involved in an A, not for your reasons but nevertheless, because of things that he was dissatisfied with. It is tearing up our family. Our marriage may well be over. I love him so much and it hurts beyond belief to see what is happening.

For the record, I also had a very brief A nearly 15 years ago. H found out and was crushed. Believe me, my pleasure wasn't worth the pain. I accidentally got into it because I felt emotionally unloved and the OM made me feel special. NOT WORTH IT. H had an affair out of revenge that time that lasted 18 months, because he, too, got hookec by something he couldn't get out of.

BIG MESS! Take my advice. Get counseling. Pray, if you are a believer. Make your marriage work. It is the much better option for everyone.

Hi and welcome to MB,

Before you end up with a heartache story worse than your current one, read the book: His Needs/Her Needs. Encourage your W to do the same. Both of your should take the Emotional Needs questionnaire.

Why do you think your W is soo disinterested in being intimate? R U both willing to visit with a good MC? Can you give Steve, Jennifer or Cerri a call here at MB? They are great to work with.

The underlying reasons maybe different than you imagine. Better to get to the truth than speculate.

Hope this helps. Please keep posting.

L.

Willing,

I was in your exact situation about 6 months ago. My biggest unhappiness in my M was lack of sex, and I decided after numerous attempts that it probably would never change, so I was going to get it elsewhere. Like you, the rest of the M was livable - not perfect, but alright.

I seriously fought the urge to get physical with OM for at least 3-4 months, because I knew it was wrong, but I finally gave in and had 2 incredible months with OM. But guess what - when it was all said and done with and H found out, and I had to give up OM for good - it was the hardest thing I have done in my life!!!! Like you, OM would never replace H in taking care of the kids, financial matters, etc - it was supposed to be just good sex - but you can't help but become emotionally attatched.

My advice - end contact immediately with the OW, and permanently!!!! I wish I would have been told this when I was in the flirting stage. It is only going to lead to disaster. Your W may not even forgive you and want to keep you around after that, and if she does, your M will never be the same - it will take months or even years for both of you to heal from the A.

No - PLEASE DON'T DO IT!!! There's a reason that it's wrong! Just trust in that, and don't be foolish enough to find out the hard way, like I was!

Like the other said, read "His Needs/Her Needs" and do the EN questionarre with her. My H never really understood how important sex was to me until I got it elsewhere. He is a bit better now, but it will never be what I want, and I have learned to deal with that in different ways - but definitely found that getting it elsewhere was not the way to go about getting satisfied!!!

Liza

Would you want your wife to be raped?

Would you want your wife to have one her/your children die?

Well according to Dr. Harley owner of this site discovering your spouse is having an affair is the equivalent to being physically raped.

According to best selling authoer Shirley Glass and countless other experts on infidelity discovering your spouse is having an affair is like the unexpected death of someone close to you.

Betrayed spouses upon discovering an affair go thru the all or most of the following emotional reactions:

1) Suicidal or homicidal. Women more than men lean towards thoughts of suicide. Men on the other hand contemplate murder.

2) Studies have shown upon discovery many betrayed spouses suffer post traumatic stress syndrome. Symptons include anxiety and panic attacks, severe loss of sleep, severe loss of weight, inability to function on a daily basis, hypervigilance and paranoia, and many more.

3) Peggy Vaughn and other noted infidelity authorities say recovering from a wayward spouses affair takes a minimum of 2 years and up to 5 years to recover emotionally from. All point out that while affairs can be forgiven they are never forgotten and thoughts of the betrayal remain with the innocent spouse until the day they die.

4) Two out of three marriages wind up in divorce court where an affair was discovered. 80% of all long term marriages (ten years or more) that end in divorce do so because of an affair.

Would you do this to the woman you describe like this:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> My wife is a wonderful woman. She is very stable and steady. She is well respected at work. She is very responsible. Most importantly, she is an extraordinary mother to our three children. I love my wife. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">There are a ton of better options to deal with unfulfilling sex life besides having an affair.

Have you purchased any of the best selling marital books like The Sex Starved Marriage or Getting The Love You Want? Or how about what the site owner here authored His Needs Her Needs?

Have you had a heart to heart talk with her about how you feel and what you need?

Have you thought about marriage counseling?

I know you are obviously torn on this or you wouldn't be here but for heaven's sake would you do the above to your wife just to get your jollies with another woman?

I know what it's like to bring up the SAME subject over and over and have the issue sidestepped, or to begin addressing it only to have the efforts fade away.

I am having a hard time getting through to my H what a BIG DEAL a couple of things are. He is apparently quite happy in our M, but I'm not. We *are* reading "Fall In Love, Stay In Love" and yesterday when we last read in it, it asked "What is the ONE thing your spouse could do that would make huge deposits in your love bank?" and I had two, I couldn't decide between them. I told my H, and he said he'd focus on that. I thanked him, and told him that it was a BIG deal. BIG, BIG, BIG. Make or break big.

These are things I've talked to him about before, but like you've experienced, it has never "stuck". I've also expressed frustration at not being able to communicate to him how very important these two things are. I'm hoping it "sticks" this time.

Anyway, please cease all contact with that woman immediately. I bet it will be harder to do than you realize, which is an indicator of just how necessary it IS that you break all contact with her.

Then sit your wife down (again) and try to explain to her how desperate the situation is. I'd even tell her, lovingly, that there is a woman who has expressed interest and you are frightened because you've found yourself strongly tempted when that is NOT what you want... what you want is to have that missing connection with your W becasue she is so dear to you. Ask for your W's help in addressing this very critical problem.

And do take the EN questionnaire. Women frequently don't feel like sex because they don't feel close to their mate -- they need more affection, or conversation. Then they can feel close, then they become interested in sex.

Keep posting!

Willing2change

It seems that you are focusing on what is or is not happening in bed. Step back and focus on what happens before you get in bed. If you are waiting until bedtime to arouse her then it might be too late. Women take longer to arouse and some take even longer!! Try doing nice things for her during the day when she least expects it and you'll be surprised at the responses that might come your way. When you touch her softly during the day do it without the expectation of sex in return. Do it just because you love her. If this doesn't work she may need medical assistance like female viagra or psychological help. Either way don't go down the road you're looking down now. There is no gold at the other end, a few minutes of pleasure for a lifetime of pain.