I have given my W a letter today asking her to end contact and quit her team. The letter was carefully constructed with help from MB members. Timing may have not been perfect as she just returned from several days away with D. Anyway it hit hard and she initially agreed to join me in Steve Harley session. Then once she composed herself she started to give me the history of everything I have done wrong over the years. Then she talked about how I don't want her to do the one thing she loves (play pool). I guess my question is how much do I support her now? Step up my two year plan A? What can I expect in the next days and weeks. She also said she regretted telling my about ONS. She doesn't get that the real issue the EA. I was able to get her to spend a few minutes on MB which is a first. I showed her what I consider to be a very encouraging message from Chorus about considering why the WS is staying. Just rambling on but any guidance so I don't screw this up would be appreciated. Also since this was a ONS and EA could I continue to be patient and let her figure things out for herself as she has said. Or is it simply more fog talk and stalling?

Thanks
WOE

Great Job!!!!

I've followed your story off and on while you've been on here.

Should you let her figure things out on her own? I think you've tried that. Now you are getting clearer with her. Your letter is probably pretty clear. You can give her some time, but it shouldn't take too much time to decide what she wants...her team, or her M. Does a week sound like a long enough time?

Is this fog talk and stalling.....YES!!!

Are you keeping her from doing what she loves, pool? No. She can join another team somewhere else. She can take up another hobby. Are you asking her to leave the team? Yes. But it was because of HER actions that you are asking her to do this. You did not make her have a ONS and then coninue the relationship afterwards.

She has been able to get what she wants, to have her cake and eat it too, for quite a while now. Be prepared for her to try to fight to get it ALL back again. But she is guilty. She may spew some pretty bizarre things soon. It will show you how addicted she is, and what lengths she will go to keep her "high".

<small>[ February 03, 2004, 01:15 PM: Message edited by: StillHereMakingIt ]</small>

StillHere, thanks for the support I really need it. It's so tempting sometimes to say whats the harm with EA. But it eats away at you. I know you have responded from time to time to my posts. In fact you were on the thread that I hijacked with ChrisCA123. He pretty much wrote my letter and it was a lot tougher than I would have wrote.
It's the threat about "this is not Plan A". I had to agree I have been enabling this for too long. In fact MC used the term co-dependent which really got my attention. I have to step back from time to time and realize no one would put up with this ridiculous situation.

Anyway she isn't going crazy yet but she is broken. I think I have timed things pretty well and let her come down somewhat from the high to where she has to be starting to wonder is this minimal EA worth all this pain at home. I just need to be consistent and keep Plan A more than ever. It is very hard to make someone who has never experienced an A appreciate the pain of EA. She only thinks it's all about ONS. thanks
for listening.

You're doing GREAT!!!

It's hard to argue back with her when she starts with "But it's only a friendship..." Or some such other fog-talk. But what really matters is how YOU feel about it...and she can't argue with that.

Become a broken record "But I don't like it" or "It hurts" or "It takes time away from us". Come up with your own statement, really search your soul for why it's eats you up inside, and make that your statement...she can't argue against how it makes you feel.

I read a story on here that used an analogy...very cute...let me see if I can do it justice. Tried to find it but to no avail...

A woman living alone with her cat companion. They were very happy. Every morning the woman would open the door to find the quart of milk left. She would pour the top of the quart (the cream) off for her companion and then spend some time every morning sitting in her chair and petting the cat.

One morning as she bent down to reach the milk she saw a skinny stray cat in the bushes. She tried to call the cat but it would not come. After three days of calling the cat, she decides to leave a little of the cream for the stray. She does not give it all to the new cat, and there is plenty left for her companion. As she poured the rest for her cat, she filled the rest of his bowl with milk...it tasted the same, and he didn't notice the difference.

The next morning the stray came right away as the woman came out to get the milk. She gave him a bit more cream and was allowed to pet him a little. She began spending more and more time with the stray and didn't have as much time sitting with and petting her cat.

As the days wore on, the woman saw the stray cat becoming more and more healthy. She gave him more and more of the cream until she was nearly giving all of the cream to the stray cat. Her companion cat's coat began getting dull and he was losing weight, but he didn't know why. The woman hardly spent any time with him anymore. The inside cat did not know about the stray cat, and did not know what she was spending her time doing.

I remember this story because it shows how love away from the M DID hurt the M. The time she spends away from you and the home, is time she is robbing from your M.

StillHere, thanks for following up with me. That story is awsome and absolutely underscores the problem. W thinks if it's not sexual what's the harm. After dropping that bombshell yesterday, she is back to her old self making me out to be the problem. For the second time she told me I need to see a therapist before she begins MC. Get me fixed before we can look at us. I have tried this 3 years ago. And the therapist said after two visits do you think you need to be coming here and I said no. The therapist said neither do I. That visit was a result of previous EA/one time PA with my best friend. The one time PA ended the friendship as he walked away from W and me. Enter his replacement on the team and she starts all over. What a cycle. Anyway I will see the therapist and be open and honest and use it to work on me. But I told her unequivacally that I will no longer be in any of the teams company. She thinks this will pass but after two years of constant complaining this latest stance will at least send the message to all the team that we are having problems. She no longer be able to pretend we have a great M. That will hurt her but honestly it will help me because I no longer feel like I am playing the fool. Meantime I am going to make a Harley appointment and get her to listen. Do you think I am better with Mrs. or Mr.Harley so W can better understand? Any other thoughts are welcome. One more laugh for you; anytime I have these type of mood swings as a result of phone contact my W will say "oh, didn't you take your blood pressure pill today?". I told her this is no pill for what I am going through.

WOE

Yes, you have probably contributed to why your M is where it is...she is right about that. But is it your fault she is having an A? NOOOOOOOOO!
She chose to handle your M problems by escaping this way.

Have you looked at the LBs and lovebank withdrawals and deposits? Have you been able to change things with yourself? Have you invited her to sit down and take the emotional needs questionnaire together? And then worked on the ENs?

No MC without IC first? Hmmmmm, sounds like stalling. Mr. or Mrs. Harley first?, ask your wife, I'll bet you'll be happy with either, and this will give her some choice in the matter, I've heard only good things about BOTH. And ask your wife if you both could leave it up to the MC when or whether you start IC for yourself (or her)?

StillHere, thanks for still being here. Today I called both Harley's and IC for myself. Waiting for call backs on both. I believe I have made the necessary changes. She constantly talks about wishing she had a guy who did this and did that. I always respond can you name a better husband and father than me. She has never come up with a name. It's gotten so comical that in mixed company I'll jokingly say my W is looking for a "proper man". LB? you bet but after a while you have to fire back. I am willing to go to IC (I believe that can benefit everyone) but obviously that doesn't address the elephant in the living room. She has made it clear that she isn't going to change a thing and that I need to get more confident etc. While it will be a very slow process me not participating with this group every again will really put her in a difficult position. Maybe even into the arms of another. But consider it my Plan B. If she won't come back completely she might as well go.

Finally I'm going to add a post asking if I'm crazy. I hope to get some responses from people who know my story and show W. While she never lets the facts get in the way of the free flow of emotion it will have to impact her somewhat. After all everybody can't be wrong. Please help me by adding to the other post.

WOE