From my "
How to be a doormat in Plan A" thread:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Seems to be some confusion on more than a couple of threads about doormathood and Plan A.
Steve Harley says that if you feel like a doormat in Plan A, then you are doing a good job.
Why do you feel like a doormat in a GOOD Plan A?
Because we all have a Giver and a Taker. The Giver and Taker in balance and in a healthy relationship make sure that your needs are met, and that your partner's needs are met. A balanced Giver and Taker in combination with a POJA make for a marriage that protects and fulfills needs in a way that is mutually satisfying to BOTH. There is no doormathood in a POJA, because there is mutual respect and protection. Boundaries aren't needed between the couple - the boundaries enclose the couple as a unit - making them a compatible, intimate team.
But in Plan A, our Giver has to step up to the plate and we have to put the Taker on hold.
This means having to smile, act cheerful, perform acts of love (fill ENs), and root out lovebusters - when our Taker is raging inside, wanting to scream, cry, hurt back, beg, appease - whatever it takes to get our needs met, our world fixed and to get everything rebalanced.
This is why Dr. Harley says we can't follow our instincts - our instincts get us into trouble. Our Taker wants us to withdraw, to defend, to attack, to demand, to force the situation back into control.
We have to ignore our Taker in Plan A. It means having emotions, but choosing actions that are not emotionally based, but rather rationally based.
This means that we will FEEL like a doormat. That FEELING is because of a restrained Taker. This is why Plan A is only a limited timeline and Plan B is so important...because Plan A, done well, WILL drain a lovebank - since there is no Taker standing by to plug the leaks.
It seems though, that alot of people think that Plan A means suffering through extreme abuse. It does not mean lying down and allowing the WS to actively harm the BS or the BS children. It does not mean tiptoeing around the WS trying to appease or afraid to upset the WS by taking care of basic needs (finances, health - both emotional and physical). Boundaries HAVE to go into place, because there is NO safety - you have separate, conflicting agendas as long as there is an OP. Those boundaries shouldn't come down until there is proof of safety.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
