hi, i have a question? this may be long...sorry! my best friend of 12 years (since i was 16 years old) is a guy. we dated on and off in high school but were better as off friends. My husband has been jealous of him since we've met. i met my husband when i we were both 17 years old. he has never liked chris basically because he always felt that i loved him more. i have to admit when i met my husband back when we were young i was still deeply in love with chris. eventually i got over that and me and chris remained friends. chris moved off and would call me every 3 months or so to see how things were going. mike my husband but at the time was my boyfriend did not like him calling me at all. mike would throw fits when he would hear chris on my answering machine telling me to call him back. it was no secret that chris would call, because it was no big deal we were just friends. that went on for several years. then 6 months before mike and i got married mike told me that i had to tell chris that he could no longer call me because i was getting married. mike said he would not have his wife talking to another man on the phone. he said he didn't care if we were friends or not he would not have that. well that made me get cold feet about the whole wedding. i didn't want someone telling me what i could and could not do. so to make a long story short i started having second thoughts about marrying mike so i did something stupid. i had to go on a business trip to the city where chris lived. of course i got in touch with him once i got there and we hung out like old times. i ended up sleeping with him, this was the first time we had ever slept together. i found myself very confused because in my head i knew that mike was the best one for me as for as stability goes and he loved me very much. but in my heart i wanted chris because he was my best friend although he has never been stable, he switches jobs all the time, moves all the time and doesn't know what he wants to do with his life. but i couldn't help but get confused, very confused. this happend twice that i went to see chris. well mike ended up finding out about the whole thing and threatend to leave me. he told me the only way we could work it out is if i called chris with him sitting right by me and tell him to never call me again. since i had decided to stay with mike i did what he wanted me to do and called chris and told him this. it broke my heart to do this because he was my best friend. 6 months later i was married to mike and happy but still wondering how chris was. this went on until 2 years ago when i found his email address on a the webpage our high school had for alumni's. i thought about it a month before actually emailing him. i did and of course he was happy to hear from me because it had been 3 1/2 years since we had heard from one another. he is still single, still switching from one job to another, basically still the same. i on the other hand have 2 kids and am happy in my marriage. the problem is i don't like going behind my husband's back talking to him. i honestly DO NOT want chris for anything more than a friend. it's totally platonic. this past summer i went up to the city that he lives in (he lives 5 hours from where i live) with my friends. i saw him both times, and its just like hanging out with any of my girl friends. i wish so much that i could let mike know that i still talk to him, email him and see him every once in while. the problem is he would probably think that i have been cheating on him since i have not told him. i am a christian and i do not like the guilt that i get when i think about going behind my husbands back. i wish i could tell him that's it's totally innocent - he could read my emails or listen on the phone when we do talk every once in a while. i just don't want the same thing that happenend 6 years ago to happen again. when he found out that i had cheated he did not trust me for probably 2 years and had to know everywhere i went, everyone i talked too, he would even ask me about every 3 months if i had heard from chris. then he would make me swear to God that i had not had any contact with him. thank goodness he has not asked me that in over a year...i don't know what i would say. please let me know how i should handle this.

thank!
jen

You need to give up your friendship with Chris. It has been awhile since you were best friends in high school. Things change.

You cheated on Mike with Chris. That changed the dynamics of your relationship with him. You crossed the line of friendship. You gave your husband a valid reason to ask you to cut your ties with Chris.

Think about it! Would you want Mike to hang out with and be best friends with another girl? Especially, If he had been intimate with her? Could you be comfortable with that?

You made a life with Mike, you have a family with Mike, he should be your priority, don't you think? If you are rebelling because you think Mike it trying to control you, pick a different issue. He has a right to not want you near this guy.

<small>[ February 03, 2004, 06:48 PM: Message edited by: boobyprize ]</small>

Jen,

You are lying to two people right now. Yourself and your H. You said </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">i honestly DO NOT want chris for anything more than a friend. it's totally platonic. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yeah, you said that before and you slept with him. Don't you see you cannot be "friends" with a man you have slept with and cheated on your H with. You are so drawn to Chris that you are willing to risk your marriage to just talk with him. You don't see the addiction because you have been addicted for so long.

You think your H is just jealous, but what he is, is far more sensitive and aware than you are. He can tell you still have deep feelings for Chris and that you are strongly attracted to him. You actions show this. You are willing to lose your family over this guy. Won't your children be proud of you?

You are suffering from something that there was a long article in our paper about. Women PREFER the BAD BOY, but want to settle with the nice guy. You are going to have to make up your mind, your H didn't trust you for good reason, you cannot be trusted, you are breaking his trust right now. YOu are showing him not respect either.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">this past summer i went up to the city that he lives in (he lives 5 hours from where i live) with my friends. i saw him both times, and its just like hanging out with any of my girl friends. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Let's see your friends now know that you don't respect your H or your marriage much. You are playing with fire Jen. You are letting this man into your heart. What are you going to do if things get rough in your marriage? You have Chris as back up. Things do get rough in marriages, so are you prepared?

You have some decisions to make Jen, and I suggest you really think about them. Your H's feeling that this man is a threat to his marriage is very very valid and you have proved it time and again. Time to grow up and make a decision. Do you want to go back to high school and hang with old lovers, or do you want to move on into adulthood and hang with the man that loves you? Your choice, but you OWE your H honesty and a full commitment, and he has not gotten that from you.

You see I am sure that you think about Chris much more than you have mentioned here. I would guess you have even thought about him while making love to your H, especially after receiving an email from him.

Even if I am wrong in that reqard, the time you have spent thinking about Chris and the time you have spent hiding your contact and feeling that your H is being unfair to you, is hurting your marriage.

Time to grow up. Your H has very good reasons to fear your relationship with your "friend", not the least of which is you have cheated on him with this "friend" and you are lying by omission to him about this same friend.

I would like to stronly urge you to read the articles here by Dr. Harley. I think some if not all of them will strike some chords in your.

God Bless,

JL

PS: One last thought. Your H is supposed to be your best friend. You say </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> i knew that mike was the best one for me as for as stability goes and he loved me very much. but in my heart i wanted chris because he was my best friend although he has never been stable,</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Do you see how disrespectful the comment I put in bold is? You view your H as just a nice guy who is stable and stupid enough to love you. It seems you still feel this way. Then you say in the italizied part, that your true love is Chris because he was your best friend. What has changed? As near as I can tell this is still how you feel. Contrary to your protestations to the contrary, if Chris settled down HE IS YOUR CHOICE.

What you won't admit and your H knows is that Chris still has deep feelings for you and not enough moral fiber to avoid cheating with you on your marriage. He knows Chris better than you do. Men don't still call girls many years later, and just keep in contact if there is not some attachments. He has had sex with you on several occasions and he hopes to again. And if he decides to settle down he will come after you again. Your H knows this. He fears this, and he should. You have shown you cannot be trusted even now.

Jen, this is a wake up call, you need to get right with your marriage and your H. You need to have another look at your religious convictions and understand why you took the vows you did. I believe "forsake all others..." comes into play here. YOU took that VOW. You made that VOW. You made it for a reason, those vows are for a reason. The major reason is that for time immemorial it has been known that marriages are not easy, that temptation is strong, and people fail. The easiest way to protect your marriage is to remove the temptation "forsake all others..."

Please think about this.

<small>[ February 03, 2004, 07:16 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

jtyler5

You need to write chris an NC letter. (No Contact). You will also need to tell your H that you have talked to him. Once you crossed a certain line there is no more friendship. My W is a born again christian yet it didn't stop her from having an A. In less then a months time the EA started and by a month an a half the PA. This started out as email, the only way they actually contacted each other. And they never knew each other before he started emailing Poe. You are playing with fire, you have a lot more history with your XBF.

Choose your H, and your family.

God Bless

Jen,

I realize I am begging to sound like "Johnny One Note" when I say this, but there is a very good reason why Dr. Shirley Glass named her excellent book on modern affairs "Not Just Friends".

Read this book and the many cases of how friends became lovers, then marriages and families were destroyed.

I know this can easily happen, Jen. You see it happended to me. My wife had a very close friend who was a man ( I say 'was' because a real man would not have done what he did. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ) This friendship blossomed into an affair full of lies and deceit. Eventually, my wife left a marriage of 20 years, which angered her only child. All to be with this man.

<small>[ February 04, 2004, 10:55 AM: Message edited by: auto009988 ]</small>

i think you guys took this the wrong way. i am not cheating on my H, i have never had an affair. when i cheated was before we were married. i have no romantic feeling for the "friend". yes, 6 years ago i did but certainly not now. i love my H very much and would never, ever consider leaving him or having an A with the "friend".

Hi Jen.

I guess I'm pretty much in agreement with the rest about you & Chris being friends now after the line has been crossed. However, something threw up a red flag when I read your post..

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> 6 months before mike and i got married mike told me that i had to tell chris that he could no longer call me because i was getting married. mike said he would not have his wife talking to another man on the phone. he said he didn't care if we were friends or not he would not have that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You're not "allowed" to talk to any other man on the telephone?! That sounds so much like my exH (abusive a-hole). I couldn't help but wonder--is he that controlling about everything?

I know I'm probably overly sensitive about that kind of thing and I'm not focusing on the problem at hand, but just wondering.

Hon, you are getting good advice here.
In our marriage vows we promised to "forsake all others".

I believe that means NOT having secret meetings, e-mails and phone calls with previous boyfriends, that we had twice had sex with!

One of the many things I have learned at this MB is anyone that does something in secret, is basically up to no good. Do you have a secret e-mail account?

You went 3 1/2 years without talking with him and now you are 'needing' him again as your confidant.

What will happen if he marries?
Does he have a steady girlfriend or a live-in?
Does she know of his conversations with you?

You are being SOOOO dishonest with your husnand.
His request is NOT unreasonable and basically what is advised here at the MB.
(No contact with previous lovers,; even though you desire to be just friends now!

As mentioned earlier, you are playing with fire.
It would be so easy to get this guy inbedded in your mind and thoughts again; maybe he is already there.
Emotional affairs are as harmful for a marriage as physical affairs!

Sincerely, Julie

<small>[ February 04, 2004, 06:30 AM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by bluebonnetgirl:
<strong> i think you guys took this the wrong way. i am not cheating on my H, i have never had an affair. when i cheated was before we were married. i have no romantic feeling for the "friend". yes, 6 years ago i did but certainly not now. i love my H very much and would never, ever consider leaving him or having an A with the "friend". </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Got news for you, you are cheating on your husband. Everytime you talk to Chris without your husband knowing, you are cheating. I think you need to understand something else. Chris is not your friend. You may think so, but friends don't sleep together. I suspect he likes keeping in touch with you because in the back of his mind, he thinks there is always the possibility of a repeat.

Bottom line is your "friendship" with Chris is affecting your marriage. If you value your marriage, you will ask him never to contact you again. If he is truly a friend, he will respect your wishes.
Michael

Jen,

Please do not make the same mistake my WW has made. Once the friendship line is crossed you can't go back. Chris is more than just a friend. Write him a NC letter and make your husband your best friend.

jgnc

bbg

I didn't take what you said the wrong way.

Even innocent contact can lead to both an EA and a PA. ANd if your "friend" is as unreliable as you say, no responsibilities, no real thoughts. Then he is probably hoping for more then just talk.

If you don't plan an A, why not tell your H. Let him know of the sneaking around, the secret phone calls and the secret email search you made. Why not just see how your "friendship" will effect your M. If you think that keeping this person as a friend can ever be a positive thing for your M, then it can be shared with your H.

That you only want Mike as a friend, I'm sure that is true. But, how can you be sure that is what Mike wants. How do you know that in a down moment in your life you won't make a mistake. That you won't make a bad choice.

What you need to do is reevaluate the risk. You are just as vulnerable to having an A as anyone else. With Poe it was a matter of weeks for the OM to manipulate her feelings. She was very vulnerable at the time. She fell. This from someone that has seen her best friends M destroyed by an A, seen her sisters M destroyed by an A. 80% of her family have had A's and she has seen the results. Did this stop her. NO.
You are at risk no matter how much you think it couldn't happen to you. Poe thought the same thing. It couldn't happen to her. Now I'm 7 months away from when I descovered her A. I'm still in pain. I still have days where its like the first day. I would spare you and your H this. But really the choices are yours at this time.

BBG, you said your husband didn't trust you for 2 years after your previous A (yes I know before you were married, STILL AFFAIR). Next time, if he can even find forgiveness, I think you can expect a four year sentence. WAKE UP. Married woman talking to single men is a recipe for disaster. Everybody can't be wrong can they? Or is your Husband a controlling A-hole as the one exception here said. As a former gambler I suggest you play the odds and put 100% into your M. Even then M is tough enough. Without a 100% effort you have a hole in your boat.

Also married women talking, e-mailing or meeting married men, (not just single menif it is done in secret,
no matter how "platonic" it is said to be , is a set-up for disaster!

It can literly FILL a person's thoughts with this OP (first thought in the morning and the last thought before sleep)
It can lead from an EA to a PA pretty darn quickly.
Sincerely, Julie

<small>[ February 04, 2004, 01:09 PM: Message edited by: Blessed TIME ]</small>

I do not believe that anyone here took your post the "wrong way". Your comments sound like you are trying to justify what you know is wrong.

Your "friend" Chris is between you and your husband and you are allowing that to continue.

It does not matter at all if the "cheating" was before you were married or not. The relationship was intimate and your husband is uncomfortable with this person for good reason.

Ask yourself one question, which man is most important to you? You can't have it both ways. Your husband sees the red flags of the friendship and is trying to save his marriage. Are you willing to do the same?

Forsaking all others is a very good phrase to think of when considering the appropriateness of phone calls, E-mails and visits with a man whom you are involved with. Physical or not, the line has been crossed and you can't go back.

Please send a NC letter and give your marriage and family first priority in your life. Your marriage desen't stand a chance if this continues... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

my best friend of 12 years (since i was 16 years old) is a guy.
You mean your best frined is NOT your husband?

Blue B, I cannot tell you how much what you are doing rips at the heart of the H. I know all too well as my W had an A (EA) with a school days boy friend. I heard "he's only an old friend" I let it go for months until he started calling her cell phone weekly, then i hit the roof. All great advice your given here. But not matter what you think, i can tell you even if its not a PA, It hurts like hell. I'am still in pain some days and the A ended in 2002.

Jen your story is very similar to one that Dr Willard wrote about in the chapter titled 'Resolving Conflicts Over Friends And Relatives' from his book 'Love Busters'. Here's an excerpt:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The Former Lover

When Sue asked Jack, her new husband, to have dinner with Sam, her former lover, Jack was dumbfounded.

"Have dinner with Sam? Are you crazy? He's the last person in the world I'd ever want to see" Jack complained.

But Sue's persistence paid off - for her. Jack reluctantly agreed to dine with Sam and Sue. She simply wanted to maintain a friendship with Sam and didn't want it to be behind Jack's back. That made sense to her

When I became apparent to Sue that Jack would never become Sam's friend, she decided to continue her friendship with Sam without Jack. Over the years, Sue would call Sam on the phone or even meet himm somewhere, but she always told Jack about it. After all, she didn't want to be dishonest. Jack would become upset when she told him about these contacts, but it wasn't her honesty that withdrew love units, it was persistence in a very thoughtless independent behavior.

It seems obvious to me that a former lover wouldn't be welcome in any marriage. But I guess if it were my former lover, it might not be so obvious to me. What should have been obvious was that Sue enjoyed her friendship with Sam at Jack's expense. Sue felt she had a right to see whomever she pleased. Marriage, she believed, should not restrain her basic personal freedoms.

Her indulgence in activities that benefited her at Jack's emotional expense eventually took its toll on him. Jack gradually lost his feelings of love for Sue. When that happened, he began to engage in disrespectful judgements by being critical and rude. Of course, that withdrew love units from her Love Bank, and by the time they came to see me, they both hated each other.

In my counseling, I first encouraged Jack to eliminate his critical and rude behavior. It was out of character for him to be that way, and he followed my recommendation without much difficulty.

Then Sue came to understand how her "freedom" had hurt Jack. She eventually apologized for what she had put Jack through and stopped seeing Sam.

The recovery of their romantic love was a long and difficult process, one they could have avoided if they had protected each other from Love Busters when they were first married. Their ability to meet each other's emotional needs had never been a problem, but their destructive habits prevented them from doing it. Once those habits were eliminated, slowly but surely they allowed each other to meet their emotional needs and restore their Love Bank balances.

Now they both understand and apply the Policy of Joint Agreement. Each time they have a conflict, they wait until they can both express enthusiasm for the solution. With each solution, they build romantic love"</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Notice the bold letters for you are doing the same thing to your H(usband) that Sue did to her H Jack, although in your case you are also adding the Love Buster called dishonesty to boot. Whether you beleive it or not, the dishonesty that you are perpetrating on your H is indeed cheating on him.