Heya again all.

Well, I am ready to admit a few things. I'm really struggling individually with things at the moment. I found out this past weekend that my BS is currently engaged in an A. I also found out that she's brought the OM into our home and he's played with our children. Specifically he played a game with my children that up until that point, I was the only person to ever play with them.

I'm scared and confused because all of the sudden all that was begining to make sense is all turned upside down and sideways. There are times when I think of my BS and our children and I miss them, hurt from realization of the pain I've caused, I feel scared and a host of other emotions. Then there are times when I think of my wife and all I can think of is the A and it all fades to black from there. I feel so much anger, overwhelming saddness, grief, rage, you name it. I'm confused because one minute I love her and miss her so much that I pray for her to call me right then and there, Then, in an instant, I hate her for having the A. I am so angry and hurt in these moments I've contemplated just giving her a dissolution and dissapearing from her and the childrens lives forever. Anf this is coming from a man who paces the house night after night because he's not home with his babies to look in on them as they sleep.

-2soon

couple things...

you really are placing a little too much significance and imbalance to the "game" played with the children...

my kids all under five LOVE it when their father plays monster and chases them around the house....

truth is that they LOVE it when anyone plays monster and chases them around the house...
If the mailman chased them they'd love it...
doesn't mean mailman replaces dad..
so don't get sucked into the dramatics...

I am surprised at your willingness to throw in the towel on this whole marriage...since you speak so painfully about losing your children to another man...(which I seriously doubt is even close to happening....)
So why aren't you staying to fight for your childrens sake...

truthfully the playing field has shifted somewhat...
and both of you bring equality to the table...
and that equality can work in both of your favors...
if you both decide that this was a big enough wake up call to stop the nonsense and really learn together what commitment means...

You dump these kids because of your wife's infidelity....when you did the EXACT and it is EXACT same thing...
you will know no peace....because it is wrong..
the chaos you wrought is equal to the chaos she has wrought...

She feels the same emotions you feel...and you two can lose yourselves and whats really important in all that emotional inferno..or you can buckle down and follow Plan A...


this does not even come close to replacing you...
and while I understand it's not the 'game' persay...the bigger picture is the exposure of this man to your children....
but what do you really know about that exposure...

were the children exposed to mom and this person acting innappropriately...
or were they just exposed to a friend of moms at the house...

you are becoming focused on the "game' aspect...and you will lose your rationality about the bigger picture of neither of you exposing you children to OP while married...

and thought easy and understadable...
truth is..
BOTH of you are equal in the blame of infidelity..
neither stands "worse" or more guilty than the other...

time you spent with OW...was time you robbed your children of you being home to play monster dad with them...

get it...
both of you are wrong...
start splitting hairs on whose indescresion was worse...and you both will be lost in the blame game...and nothing gets resolved...

Is your wife still currently with the OM...
does she want to "be" with him...

Have you started to read about plan a...

ark

Ark,

I dunno if plan A is doable with my BS at the moment. My BS claims nothing is going on at all with this guy. He started hanging out in the bar she works in and talking with her all the time as his fiance and him just split up.

So after I found out from my son that mommy has had a friend coming over and playing with them, I decided to confront the issue. I called my FIL and asked him directly whos truck had been at my house so much lately and been there over night so many times. FIL confessed the truth to me at that point.

When I confronted my BS over the issue she denied everything at first and slowly conceded the point that he had spent the night but "nothing happened" They talked until 3am and he had to work at 6 so she just let him sleep on the couch. Yeah right. So I then asked, "ohh he came over and you guys talked every night until 3am and he had to work the next day each time?" Nothing but silence in response. She flat out refuses to acknowledge any wrong whatsoever in the situation.

I'm upset because the situation could not be more clearer. We're adults here. How many times does a guy stay overnight just to stay up all night talking in a row?

So I don't know if I can negotiate with her as she seems to be in denial. When she even half acknowledged what has happened she said something like "We're separated, remember? It's not an A. So I think maybe I should just head to plan B.

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of sleepless nights. I am just so tired.

-2soon

I dunno if plan A is doable with my BS at the moment.
The only time Plan A is NOT doable is when you choose not to do it.
Plan A & Plan B are both doable at any time by the bs.

If a WS is in the "fog" how can plan A be possible if they are unwilling even to accept that what they are doing is an A? I certainly don't know how to even try to talk to her yet. Much less know how to negotiate her away from the OM.

I'm taking this from my understanding of plan A being:

Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands.

How do I negotiate her away from the OM when:
1) We are barely speaking if at all.
2) She refuses to accept that what is going on is an A or wrong.
3) Any more she seems to only be focused on all of the bad things in our marriage. She keeps making the statement that "I just can't do it anymore"

I just don't know, Court date for the hearing to see if the temporary custody order for my DSD is on friday. I am going to testify for my BS at the hearing. I've made a commitment to owning the truth in my life now, (dishonesty was huge issue in our marriage)and this friday I am going to court and commiting perjury for a woman that doesn't love me anymore. Just so she can have her daughter back. The daughter I grew to love and care for as my own. And if she comes home this friday, well, it would really make me happy. I may not get to see her on friday as my BS probably won't ask me and will probably deny me when I ask to see my DSD.

But I am ok with that. She'll be home with her mother and brothers and thats what matters to me. All her brothers know is her and she loves them as she watched them come into this world and has been with them ever since. Please everyone keep my DSD in your prayers. She belongs back home with her mother and brothers, even if dad isn't there.

-2soon

From What Are Plan A and Plan B?
"In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.

But plan A, an effort to end the affair with thoughtfulness and care, doesn't always work. In many cases a wayward spouse is so trapped by the addiction that he or she does not have the will-power to do the right thing. Once in a while the fog lifts and the cruelty and tragedy of the affair hits the wayward spouse right between the eyes. In a moment of grief and guilt, he or she promises to end it. But then the pain of withdrawal symptoms often brings back the fog with all its excuses and rationalization, and the affair is on again.

Sometimes a wayward spouse settles into a routine of having his or her cake and eating it too. In an effort to win the wayward spouse back, the betrayed spouse meets emotional needs that the lover cannot meet, while the lover meets emotional needs that the betrayed spouse has not learned to meet. While this competition is excruciatingly painful to the betrayed spouse, and the lover as well, the wayward spouse basks in the warmth of being loved and cared for by two people, with no real motivation to choose one over the other.

So, to avoid an indefinite period of suffering while a wayward spouse vacillates between spouse and lover, and to avoid rewarding the selfish behavior of having needs met by both spouse and lover, if plan A does not work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend plan B."