Greetings, MB friends, both old and new -

It has been several months since my last post, and now, on the eve of 2 years post d-day, I thought it appropriate to share my recovery experience with those who have been so instrumental in keeping me on the path to reconciliation. First, a very condensed background for those who don't remember me or my story:

01/01/2002 - retired @ 47 after 25+ years in the corporate world to form a non-profit organization to help folks in the SF Bay Area

02/05/2002 - My blissful retirement lasted just 5 weeks, as an anonymous note on my driveway launched d-day #1. My wife had been having a long affair (measured in years) with a co-worker at church, the choir director. I happened to be in the choir - he was supposed to be a friend and brother. She left her job, we both entered counseling (IC and some MC). OM agreed to "retire" and move away, which happened that summer. My non-profit plans on indefinite hold.

05/2002 - D-day #2 after I taped a phone conversation when I was out of town. The usual stuff - soulmates, love of my life, etc. Got nauseous, thought my marriage was over for good.

Rest of 2002 - Occasional contact, including a face-to-face encounter my wife insisted she needed for "closure", a word I have come to despise. Over ensuing months, I am told to get over it, talk to IC if I have a problem, etc. No one else knows of our plight, so most of the solace I received came from these forums. Youngest son has lung surgery at end of year, which adds stress but unites me and my wife in a common concern.

2003 - I moved from intensive care to merely a coma - after the roller coaster of emotions the previous year, I was left just feeling numb inside. What happened to the love that used to burn inside me? My dear mother was killed in an auto accident, deepening my depression. We finally let our two college-age sons know what's been going on with their parents. They aren't too surprised as they saw how damaged I was. Wife finally emerges from the fog, thanking me for rescuing her from her black hole and incredulous that I stayed with her. OM leaves occasional messages at her work phone, which she deletes without listening and tells me about them. He finally stopped leaving messages a couple months ago.

2004 - I am just this week able to declare us recovered. Having said that, I am not so naive to think that we won't hit an unexpected pothole or two somewhere down the road, but I can confidently predict that we'll be able to handle whatever comes our way. Heck, anyone who survives infidelity can handle anything. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger.

Now for some observations as I look back on these past two years:

= God and MB saved my marriage. I was one of those who thought that infidelity equates to automatic divorce. I guess we never know for sure until we experience it personally. Through much prayer and communicating with others here who were also fighting to save their sacred marriages, I came to realize that, with patience and perseverance, we could be one of the fortunate couples who got another chance.

= It really does take at least two years to recover. I've never been an a-b-c-d-e kind of guy, more like a-b-z, i.e., let's get on with this so we can get to the next thing. Recovery doesn't work that way. You really do need time to fully process what has happened, deal with the changes in your life, and make a decision to leave the awful past behind. It ain't easy, as you all know.

= I had to learn to choose my battles, and not react negatively to some of the downright bizarre things that my lovely wife used to utter. Realize that they have been taken over like that little girl in "The Exorcist", and that all fog-speak is to be ignored. For those really tough conversations, I recommend a #4 polyurethane tongue guard so you don't bite the darn thing completely off!

= Triggers. While a natural part of the process, I found it to be a real setback if I dwelled on certain dates or situations. A date is just a date. January 14 = May 8 = November 24. For me, tomorrow is d-day + two years, and it means nothing to me. Just another day to appreciate life and love.

= God's grace is truly amazing. I've seen it in my wife's transformation, and experienced it myself in ways I never imagined before. I have a new and deeper appreciation for the sacrifice of the cross, and for resurrection, because I am alive again after being dead for two years.

I guess that's enough for now. I just want to say THANK YOU, from the bottom of my heart, to all of you who have helped me navigate these treacherous rapids of recovery. My prayer is that I will be able to do the same for some of you in the months ahead.

May God richly bless all of you and give you the peace that only comes from Him.

<small>[ February 04, 2004, 09:09 PM: Message edited by: shattered in SF ]</small>

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

SF I remember you well....

Lordy do people need to hear these things....
thanks for writing it all out...

loved the line...
I moved from intensive care to merely a coma

continued blessings to you and yours...
ARK

SISF,

I am so glad to read this update. You did alot of very hard work to get here. I do hope your W has come to appreciate some of it. I often wonder if they remember some of the really 'foggy' stuff they said. I mean you are in the Bay Area but this fog is a whole new level.

Congratulations to you and your W and yes even your children for surviving this and making it work.

God Bless,

JL

ark -

Thanks for the encouraging words, and thank you also for looking out for so many people here. You inspire more than you know.

JL - There were so many days I thought I'd never be able to report that we had recovered. It is without a doubt the hardest thing I've ever endured in my life. Your words of wisdom (and occasional scoldings!) were often the solitary voice of reason in my inside-out world. Thanks for sharing what you have learned with the rest of us. It's pretty obvious to me that you consider your presence here as your ministry, and I want to encourage you to continue helping people like me. We all owe you a great deal. God bless you.

Shattered,
Just had to chime in with my congrats for what you've done, and with thanks for letting everyone here know how it happened.
Blessings!

SC -

How's my favorite ex-Campo Cougar?? Thanks for popping in. I really must give you a lot of credit for being where I am today. Your tenacity in trying to keep your family together gave me strength so often. And the dignity you displayed throughout your painful ordeal made so many of us try even harder. You're a true MB champion, SC. Thank you for showing us the way.

Shattered, Your recovery is really a wonderful testimony of what the Lord can do when someone is willing to wait for it, work for it, and seek Him for it. It is such a tragedy that affairs happen in the Church among people in leadership positions. Several years ago, I witnessed an affair almost before my very eyes... it was between the husband of the vice-principal of a Christian school where I was a teacher (and he also was a teacher and both leaders in the church) and the girl was also a teacher at the school.

She was also my neighbor. Well, finally it came out... and she was pregnant. The wife remained faithful, although I am not so sure she ever really took any sort of proactive "stand" to recover her marriage. But I can't say for sure.

Unfortunately, I found out the other day, that the man and girl married. I just felt sick. Just sick and sad.

I am glad that your story has another ending. Praise the Lord and may He bless you and your family with many blessings and many years of love and faithfulness. I cannot imagine going through what you did but I so very much admire and respect the decisions you made to trust God and to not get a divorce but rather to seek a different path, one of forgiveness and restoration.

God bless!

p.s. I love San Francisco. It is also where I first met my husband. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Unfortunately we are divorced now, so San Fran is a little bittersweet to me now.

S in SF ... I assume you won't join our MBer outting .... just asking.

I am glad that your M survive A too and getting better.

-rh-

I just joined MB. First post. I have a similar situation to yours going on now. Found out Dec 19 W having nine year affair (almost half our marraige) with coworker. She moved out next day. 11 year old son and I on our own for two months now. Can't tell if W still in fog. Now she wants back in. But it seems to be more on her terms than anything else. OM married with kids and not leaving his family for her after all.

Gets more complicated. First found out about her affair five years ago. Six months of MC and IC. She promised to end it, said she was sorry, never happen again. Turns out she lied her way through MC. Just wanted to get me to a place where she could continue her affair. Never even told him I knew or that we were in MC.

I am now hearing same things again from her. Wants to do MC again. Been to one session. Affair all my fault. Didn't meet her needs. I am ambivalent. Didn't work last time, why would it work this time? She did agree to Retrouvialle weekend. Waiting to see if she will follow through on post sessions.

She is now in a deep depression. Talking a lot of death and emptyness. Wants to walk away one day and reconcile the next.

I haven't a clue what to do except pray.

thos

Dear Shattered,

Nice to hear from you. Yes, reovery it does take time. Patience is not a virtue to most of us BS. Many of us can't imagine the future. The present is too painful. But the future does come and we do survive.

I like the way you broke down your chain of events. It tells more than just your story. I know each of us can see a piece of our lives in your timeline.

This is my favorite line from your post: " I had to learn to choose my battles, and not react negatively to some of the downright bizarre things that my lovely wife used to utter. Realize that they have been taken over like that little girl in "The Exorcist", and that all fog-speak is to be ignored. For those really tough conversations, I recommend a #4 polyurethane tongue guard so you don't bite the darn thing completely off!"

All the best,
L.

ps: FYI, our MBers group already has 2 couples. KS41 and her H and my H and myself. We always welcome another couple. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> JR, Redhat, T1, AMMartin, Lulu & Supermom have already met. We would sure like to meet you and your W. I think Oaktown maybe interested in our next outing and if we can convince DevastedChris to join, well it w/b a great group.

LoveMyEx -

Thanks for your kind words. I think the turning point was when I got out of the way and let God orchestrate the recovery process. There's no way I could have handled it on my own.

RH + Orchid - Probably a little early for us to join your group - I think we'll try on this "new skin" for a while to see how it feels. Thanks for all your support these last two years, for me and for so many others. RH, you were the first person to respond to my initial post, and your tag line about trying hard so there are no regrets 10 years later is something I read and re-read when things got tough. Thanks for that.

And Orchid - mahalo nui loa. We have a painting on our wall we bought on Kauai called "Orchid Glow". It's lovely, just like you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> You're a beautiful person for being so willing to help people here.

Thos - Sorry you're here under such troubling circumstances. Go to the MB home page and read everything you can, including the recommended books listed. I suggest you post your story in the "Just Found Out" section so your call for help doesn't get lost on this thread. There are many wise people who will help you sort through this mess. And prayer does help a lot - keep doing that and I'll pray for you guys as well.

Shattered,

Great post, and thank you so much for sharing. I was a "regular" on the In Recovery board when I first joined about 18 months ago, because I so desperately wanted to be recovered YESTERDAY. Didn't happen, and I'm back but hanging out mostly in GQII because I've decided this time around to give it lots of time and not sell myself short. I'm going to do it thoroughly, and well, and if it works -- great, and if not -- I'll have learned, grown, and can be proud of my efforts and face my tomorrows from a position of strength.

Sometimes I get depressed thinking how long it's been since my d-day and how far I have yet to go, but I look at your "timeline" and I see that you, too, had the same kinds of delays and setbacks and frustrations (get over it, it's my problem, not his...). It really does just take time. You were a little smarter than I was, because I just eventually dropped it and here I am back again almost at square one. But looking back I don't think we were both ready to do all this hard work back then. Took us a long time to really absorb the BIGness of what happened. The significance.

Anyway, thanks so much for the encouraging post and the "high points". That helped me put my own situation into perspective a little better.

SiSF:

It's so good 2 hear your news update! You're an inspiration 2 us all, even us atheists! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

You're right, 2. Dates don't mean anything. Perseverence does. "Actions speak, words don't." ...I made that one up.

Orchid:

"Patience is not a virtue to most of us BS. "

No, it isn't. I keep having 2 relearn patience. Like 2day. My W still misses RM and would like 2 be friends with him. Can't understand why it hurts me so much, but has [apparently] refrained from contacting him since December because she knows it does hurt. SiSF, I guess I'm at the numb stage right now. We're making miniscule progress, but I'm so busy with work now and can't convince her that we could benefit from counseling again with someone GOOD, that I'm not sure how patient I can be. ...but I guess I'll keep on keeping on. Still working on "the right thing." Don't know any other way 2 behave.

-ol' 2long

P.S.

Funny. My W said ILY at the end of an email 2 me 2day. She's never done that be4.

-ol' 2long

Hey, 2long -

Nice to hear from you. I think about you often, as a fellow navigator of the post-long-term affair quagmire we found ourselves in. Your comments about having to re-learn patience were interesting, as I found myself drawing on your strength, perseverance and patience during those dark times when I couldn't muster enough on my own. Thanks for that.

I can also relate to your "numb stage" as I spent a good year in that funk. Interestingly, in my case anyway, I found that the numbness, apathy, etc. were stronger right before my recovery breakthrough. I guess the ol' "darkest hour before the dawn" kind of thing. Maybe it'll work the same way for you.

I know how big a breakthrough the "ILY" issue has been for you, so your wife's latest e-mail sign-off is really encouraging. You've done everything humanly possible 'til now, 2l, so hopefully your determination will soon bring about the dissipation of those last few, stubborn wisps of fog floating around your wife's head.

And, yes, I'll continue to pray for you guys. God loves atheists, too, and so do I! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />