It has been almost five months since D-Day and I am experiencing deeper emotional problems than when my FWH first admitted PA.

Some background:
We will be married 24 years on 2/9/04
PA #1 - began in 1992 with MOW; lasted a few months; FWH admitted A on 10/21/03.
PA #2 - began in 1997 with SOW; sexual relationship ended in 2002 by OW but they remained "friends" and FWH wanted their EA to become PA again; FWH admitted A on 9/17/03.
EA - began in 2003 with SOW; discovered by me before it became PA.

The major problem I am dealing with is the images of my FWH having SF with these women. Sometimes it is more than I can bear. Even though my H has admitted that he told these women that he loved them, he said he never did. He said they offered him the opportunity for SF and he didn't want to turn it down. He won't admit any emotional involvement with them.....insists he did it for sex only.

I am totally disgusted and humilitated that my H had sex with these OW. I don't have these feelings about my H's sexual activities before we were married but knowing he was involved sexually with OW and deceiving me during our marriage is consuming me.

I find I can't have SF with him without feeling embarrassed and ashamed with myself the next day. Sometimes I have this strong feeling of remorse soon after SF. I still can't sleep in the same bed with him and normally get dressed and get away from him as soon as I can. I no longer feel like a wife making love with her husband -- I feel used -- I feel dirty -- I feel like a whore.

There is nothing "special" about our sexual relationship anymore because I feel he would do it with anyone. I imagine him looking at the them and saying the same things, kissing and touching them in the same way. I feel like I have to pretend and "act" a certain way during SF to make him think I enjoy being with him. I feel if I don't have SF with him, he will find someone who will.

I know this can't continue if we are to recover and make a stronger marriage. It just seems that sex with someone "new and different" was more important than commitment to the marriage and family. I don't think I measure up. I feel inadequate as a lover. I am totally disgusted at his behavior and sometimes hate for him to touch me. And I feel totally disgusted at myself for having SF with him after his infidelities.

Has anyone else had similar difficulties and how did you overcome it? I am worried about our chances if I continue to feel this way. He has already said he will be okay without me if we can't rebuild our marriage. I go back and forth between wanting our marriage to last and hating him because twelve years out of 24, he was cheating, lying, and deceiving me.

Toofargone -

I'm not sure I can help, but I will be interested in other replies you receive. While my feelings and reactions have not been as strong as yours, I have had similar feelings/reactions.

Right after I discovered the A, I was shocked that my reaction was to actually want SF with my H...a lot in fact.

SF gradually settled down to maybe 3 times per week. I've always had images of H with OW and know for certain that some of the things he does or says, he also did with OW. That's hard to take. Most of the time I was able to push it out of my mind and enjoy SF.

Until recently.

I was was wondering what was up with recent events. Three times in the last two weeks I've had very bad anxiety attacks during the start of SF. Can't breathe, feel like I'm going to be sick, etc. So bad in fact, that I could not do anything except bawl my eyes out. So we stopped.

The only thing I can tie this reaction to is a recent discussion about the A. I asked H why had an A with this OW again...was she that special? H said no, she was not special (in fact SF was not that good) but she was the only one available!. That statement made me sick! Like he was desparate for sex and it didn't matter who he had it with.

He claims no feelings for her...nothing. The whole A just made him feel good, desired, wanted, needed, etc.

I'm worried about our chances for recovery also if this continues.

Just another stage of recovery?

I hope you get some good replies.

sss

Just a little FYI from the other side. I had an affair on my husband. And I want you all to know that it is so very possible that there were no feelings involved at all. And that they totally regret their mistake. Sometimes, for what ever reasons, but no excuses, people make mistakes. Some big, some small. But, we all make mistakes. I feel sorry for the ones who make the big ones. I wish I was one who only made the little ones. But, now, I am among the ones who made a big one. And I want you to know that I hurt worse than my husband does. Because he only hurts because I betrayed him. I hurt because I did the betraying and I hurt because he is hurting. He is the lucky one. I wish it had all been turned around and he the one who did the horrible act of cheating. So, please just think of my view sometimes. Maybe your spouses did just make a BIG mistake. And maybe they are as sorry as I am. So, please, if you have a good marriage and have LOVE, do not let a mistake throw it all away. However, I must say, I think that if your spouse committed the BIG mistake more than once, it is no longer concidered a mistake. But, that is just my opinion. I am no expert. I am just a wife and mom and I love my family more than I do myself. Good luck to you both. I know all of these infidelity issues are so painful. I hope and pray we can all heal and become stronger.

SSS,
Initially I found I wanted/needed to be close to my FWH after he admitted his affair. I missed him during his affair because he had not been there for me emotionally or physically. We had SF frequently those first few weeks but as more information was revealed, including the fact that he lied when he said he only had one affair, lied when he said it only lasted a few months and had ended at least two years before he confessed, didn't tell me that he had been to see OW#2 to ask her to resume their sexual relationship on the same day he finally admitted affair to me, lied when he said I didn't have to worry about STDs knowing OW#2 had genital warts and they had used no protection during sex, and so on and so on.

As the weeks went by and I learned he had planned to divorce me after our younger son graduated from high school, had introduced our younger son to OW#2, had gone Christmas shopping with OW#2, etc., SF became less frequent and more difficult for me. It is now at the point that I am experiencing the remorse and shame after having SF with him. There are times when I am so disgusted that I can't imagine having a life with him. I think about how my life would be without him -- my plans for the future.

I don't know why I want to stay with him but there are times when I do. I know the marriage has to be working in the bedroom and right now, that is a big issue for me. Everything seems to bug me, including when we hug. I know it sounds stupid but he always reaches around my shoulders and expects me to hug his waist. I always reach around his shoulders and so it is awkward. I wouldn't think anything of this except that OW#2 is much shorter than me so he would have hugged around her shoulders -- unless he picked her up or she was standing on something. It's ridiculous, I know, but I find myself questioning the smallest things he does or says.

I know I need help and I haven't been to IC yet -- I just feel frozen, unable to be proactive, unable to make a lasting decision. Would counseling help with my bad feelings following SF with my H? Things are just backwards here. The other women didn't seem to have a problem having sex with my husband so why am I?

Toofargone,

It's probably all a matter of trust and feeling secure.

After reading your second post, I remember one other period of time when SF (even thinking about it) with H made me very uncomfortable. It was right after I learned that he had not told me the entire truth about the A and continued to lie during our first 3 months of MC. I could not be with him.

I discussed this with my IC at the time and she said that my feelings about SF were tied into my feelings of trust with H. Early on in MC, we both were told that honesty was what was needed here to rebuild our M and that H needed to honestly answer all of my questions about the A. H agreed. Found out after notifying OW's H that H lied about some things and left a whole bunch of information out. As more information trickled in (most stuff learned from OWH) the more devasted I felt. He not only lied and betrayed me once regarding the A, but twice.

That may be what you are feeling also. I know I kept thinking "what am I gonna find out next" and still think that to some extent.

It probably would help you to see an IC. I know I felt frozen and was not really taking much action on recovery around the 6 month mark. I stopped going to IC for about a month or so. I started going again because I need someone I can run thoughts, ideas, feelings past...especially the real irrational ones!

I really think seeing an IC might help you sort through some of your thoughts and feelings which would allow you to be proactive in recovery.

Take care!

sss

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