It has been 11 months since I discovered my Wife was having a PA with a man introduced to her by one of her friends. I was devastated. When I confronted her with my evidence, she "confessed" everything. Then we started reading all the books, seeing a MC, and endless conversation about every laast detail. All the lies and deception were exposed to the full light of day.

Over the next 10 months, I found that her "confession" was not a confession at all. As each detail dribbled out, I was able to see how truly sordid it was. There was no romance, no tenderness, no love between her and the OM. It was nothing more than booze and sex and then more booze and sex. I read the email she exchanged with him and could see for myself that the only topic of converstaion was which sex toy to try next time. The guy was in the process of divorcing his wife and my wife offered no resistance to his overtures. She gave in literally the first time they were together and kept up the non-stop action until I discovered what was going on.

The debauchery lasted for 2 months and ended upon my discovery. My wife agreed to No Contact but secretly told the OM that she would still be available to him if he wished it. I found out about this and took it upon myself to advise him that if he ever contacted my wife again, he would be a dead man. Needless to say, he disappeared and has not been heard from since.

At last, I think I have all the details. I have read all the books. Our MC said my wife may have been the victim of her low self esteem. I Understand my contribution in creating the enviornment which allowed this to happen.

But all the Psyco-Babble in the world cannot change the fact that she is a liar, a cheater, and a Wh@^* who knows nothing about loyalty, honor, and keeping comittments. A shell of a woman who was only motivated by the basest of human desires.

We have no children together and no financial contstraints that would keep us together. The only reason I am still here is that I love her... and I hate myself for it. Why do I still love her when I can't stand to even touch her now? What is this curse of love that keeps me "sleeping with the enemy"? What a cruel hoax that we still want them even after they perpetrate the vilest emotional trauma possible upon us. Why do we want them back?

You need to go for therapy to find out why your have so little self esteem that you would want to stay married to a woman who is a ****. Is it the fear that you will be alone if you divorce her? You need to believe that you deserve better than to be married to a woman whose brains are between her legs.

For me, because I have loved her for years and I believe that it can be better in the future.

What your wife did is hard and your reaction and iternal conflict is normal. Not only did she betray you once but she lied again during your recovery so now you are back at square one. You have the right to question if you want to be married to her or not. It sounds like she may need to do IC to find out what continues to fuel her addiction. It will be up to you to decide if you will stick around long enough for that.

It is really hard and we understand.

Hi illek,

First of all,please don't take into account yosh's response.He pops in every once in a while and usually his recommendation is to leave or get a divorce,end of discussion.It's almost never that simple and his responses are usually not very long nor helpful,of course that's just my opinion.

I can certainly understand the pain you are going through.And the anger.Please don't hate yourself for loving your WW.If all of us could just turn off our feelings of love for our spouses just like that,none of us would be here and we'd only end up like our WS's.There is hope for each of us,at least to some degree.There are self help books and people like Dr.Harley that prove that there is hope even after something so traumatic.Maybe not for everyone but for anyone who is willing to try.

Each of us has "invested" a great deal of time and emotion in this other person.Memories are made,years are spent together,that doesn't just end forever.You've obviously been dealing with this for awhile now,was there some trigger for you that brought you here today? How had the MC been going and things in general? I don't want to think that you have been this angry for the entire past 11 months.Did the info come out in your counseling sessions? I guess I'm a bit confused as to where you are in "recovery" and if your WW was lying all along or are you upset with how the MC is going by finding out all the "sordid" details.


O

I second jgnc in that your W's PA fueled with booze MAY be a sign of some serious pre-marital issues. Is she going to IC?

Your post gave me chills. The timing and story sounds like your WW was my WH's OP.

I just found out 11 mos. ago.

They drank and had sex together and only e-mail'd each about when they were going to get it next.

A ended abrubtly -- supposedly before I found out. WH said it was mutual but it didn't ring true.

The OW would be 48 now. I think she was 47 during A. They created a hotmail account for her.

My WH was 17 years younger than OW. His story to me is that they had sex 2nd time they hooked up for drinks. He was a vendor training her on software and invited her out for dinner and drinks the 1st night and the 2nd night he invited her to his hotel room.

I hate to ask this -- but the story seems so close -- Does your WW have grown children from a prior M? I know my WH's OW did.

Very spooky.... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

<small>[ February 05, 2004, 03:04 PM: Message edited by: SoDisappointed ]</small>