WOE,

Moving my post here since you wanted the other thread to be for your WW.

I read only a little of your story. So your WW is telling you that there is nothing wrong w/ an EA and it is all your problem. Well, my WW did the same thing to me, there was something wrong with me that made me expect too much out of her, blah blah blah blah blah... At the time some of it even made sense. Really it was a case of "blaming the victim." Later I went back to an IC because I needed help coping the the pain that her EA had been causing.

This is what I think is going on. She knows that her "friendship" is wrong but the fog will not let her admit it so she rationalizes that there is something wrong with you and put you down so that she does not have to deal with the reality of her actions.

I call it emotionally abusive behavior.

Go to IC, you loose nothing, most likely you will find out, just like the last time that you don't need to be there. At least not for the reasons your WW would have you believe.

JGNC

jgnc, thanks. I was a little slow finding this. I really didn't get the response I was looking for on my request to show W letters. But you know what? I think it would be a LB. I don't want to be coming at her from 30 directions. I agree with everything you say and it's nice to see people in same position. Here's the quick version. W joined Pool Team 4 years ago with my very best friend. After 18 mos. she confessed ONS with friend. I approached him and he convinced me that they never had intercourse. W doesn't know I know this but the friend left our lives sadly. It was very clear to me after talking to him that my W made a pass at him and he let it go only so far. I wish I could convince myself that it was him that pursued her it would be easier to handle. Anyway a new guy joins the team to replace my friend. She very quickly develops strong feelings for him and another EA is under way. I'm still reeling from the first mess and here's she's already into a second relationship. Anyway she had another ONS and time it did go all the way. You talk about pain. Anyway I stood by her and foolishly let her stay on the team to protect her reputation because these people had tenticles into other areas of our life. But you know what, people know. As much as me and W think it's a secret people talk. So I have wasted a lot of time. For the last 2 years W continues to call this guy several times a week and of course sees him at weekly game. My response is always if it's not harmful why does it hurt me so much? I finally have a plan now. In conjunction with me getting help for my "issues" I have an appointment with S.Harley on Monday. Let me ask you how is your situation going or has it been resolved? But honestly I really believe my W will be relieved when this is over. Nothing could be worth the punishment I give her unitentionally. Do you understand what I mean by that? Of course I don't want to hurt her buy I killing her with my constant mood swings and checking up on her etc.
I just want my life back.

WOE

Even if it wasn't an EA why do something she know hurts her spouse? At BEST that's independent behavior (big LB). History 2 ONS w/ 2 diff men? that's 2 incidents of infidelity. Of course you would be suspicious, EVEN IF it was not an EA. She needs to rebuild trust and that take a long time.

I made the same mistake of not exposing to protect her reputation. The other reason I rarely admitted was that I did not expose the EA earlier because I was trying to protect myself from the humiliation of others knowing. So far I have been proved wrong, friends have been a great support. I still have not exposed to our families because of trust issues.

My situation is still going on, with many ups and downs. WW has been in withdrawal for 1 1/2 weeks and in the 3rd attempt at NC. Her addiction is very strong. As of Tuesday night I am catiously optimistic before that I was nearly ready to go into plan B. Our situation is worsened because of her history with depression and almost constant loneliness.

I don't want to be hard on you but something I have learned is that there is no unintentional punishment. Every time I LB'd, I allowed myself to do it. I regretted it almost instantly but I have to admit it. Now adays I try to think through everything I say to her. I am bad w/ DJs (learned from Dad). The only thing that she has interpreted as punishment that wasn't was spying and my insistance on counseling.

I guess do understand what you mean by unintentional. Spying, though necessary for you is humiliating in her eyes. My WW has threatened to leave over snooping. I recently told her I would no longer snoop but would just assume her behavior continued until she could choose NC and choose actively earn my trust again. Honestly, I have not been able to keep this up. Suspision and curiosity are just too great. But I have minimized it a great deal, since I am not seeing contact it has been easier to not peek.

Also, I know my W is feels horrible when she sees me depressed but the feelings are sometimes to big to contain. Hopefully either the Harley's or IC can help you with mood swings. IC and the great folks here really helped me to get a handle on my emotions. Even then there have been times I wished I had anti-D's to help my emotions out.

I have tried to meet her ENs better and have slowly made progress. I am also working to eliminate all cause complaints she had about me. Practically because at that point I am taking away her ammunition. I certainly was not everything that she said I needed therapy with but I was undermotivated and underconfident. The small steps I have made regaining those qualities, have made a difference. Even though her judgements may be extremely painful, try and look at it this way.. She is telling you exactly how to plan A her. When I went to IC it showed her I was actually trying, even though it was for completely different reasons.

Enough rambling, good luck and take care,

JGNC

jgnc, it's nice to hear someone with so similar a story. I don't think I LB much but I mean water tourture because I am either mopey or telling her how it hurts me. Nothing wrong with either but I'm sure it hurts her. But you did point out an excellent thing about snooping. I will no longer check the cell phone but will now move strongly in the new plan. Harley and IC. I have come to realize that W treats me as I allow her to treat me. And being a big enough person to entertain this group in my home and never let the OM know that I knew has only been used to further the EA. It would have been over long ago if I simply told him what a piece of crap he is. In fact yesterday I told my W I could have spit on him or punched him at the time and she said "now why would you do that?" You talk about fog. I told her that I hoped she never knew that feeling. Friends just seem to know. One time my W was gleefully talking about the pool team to our mutual friends and I responded to my friend that "you'll never meet them". He replied "I understand". His W has PA/EA in the past. People know more than we think and since we've done nothing wrong we shouldn't feel so humiliated but I know we both do. Good luck to you as well.