Hi everyone. This is my first time here. Here is my question. I recently found out the my H has been going to strip clubs (quite frequently) and not just watching but going to the VIP rooms for what he explains is a private lap dance. This has been going on for at least a year maybe more and he has spent lots of money at these places. I consider this cheating and I am hurt, angry, discusted and pretty much hate him right now. Before we were married he told me he did this during his previous marriage and we discussed the fact that it is bad behavoiur and he would'nt do it anymore. We also discussed the fact that it would hurt me. Help me!! Is this cheating?

More importantly it hurts you, you find it disrespectful. He also broke his promise to not do this anymore. He is also getting some form of mild sexual fulfillment from these places that he is not seeking from you and he is spending time away from you to achieve it. So regardless of whether it fits the definition of an affair it is still wrong.

Men go to these places to temporarily fulfill some emotional need that is not being met. Usually sexual affection but also affection, admiration and conversation. It is a fantasy that temporarily meets some emotional need, in the case of a married man, an emotional need that should be met his spouse. While there is a difference between sex and titillation, it would not be be a stretch to call it some form of infidelity.

Even though you are angry, can you find out what he gets out of his activities, what needs it fulfills, then together you can find a way to address the root of the problem.

welcome to a great place, with much to offer. It seems he is getting his jollys from this. When this should be obtained in your bedroom. I have been to those places years ago. It is really a discusting thing. These women are real tramps.

Talk to him and ask him what you need to do to fulfill his fantasy. If you don't mind what he is asking you may even enjoy the acts. He is not getting a needed EN at home. You need to address this with him. good luck.

Thanks for the input. He says he doesn't know why he does it and he has a very hard time talking about it. The only thing he says is that it excites him. He says he didn't do to me and when I say how did you think it would make me feel he says he knew it would hurt me. How do you fix a relationship like this when one partner obviously has no respect for the other. My ex cheated on me and I am having a hard time not packing today.

Hi lauralynne,

Well,it's one of the age old questions,to stay or not to stay.We all here ask ourselves the same.I think that if I were you,I would sit down with your H and calmly discuss how what he does hurts you and threatens the very safe and loving relationship that you want to have with him.Tell him that you do not feel safe or cared for by his repeated trips to these places and that you both should attend some counseling either together or separtely to help deal with this issue.

Make him realize how SERIOUS this is RIGHT NOW.This is his *wake up call and he should be glad to get one because a lot of us dealing with infidelity and such do not and only wish we had before things escalated to such painful points.

This is obviously a "problem" within your H because he admitted to you that this behavior was present *before you got married and may very well include how he views women in general.

There is no way to be sure,one way or another,if you and your husband can work this issue out but you appear to want to try and that is admirable.But make sure he knows how serious you are and take it from there.You cannot make H go to counseling and you may even have to go yourself but hopefully you will try to make ammends so even if you end up divorcing some day,you will know that you tried and gave it your best.

O

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says he doesn't know why he does it and he has a very hard time talking about it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It's not that surprising that he doesn't know why he does it. I consider myself to be pretty in tune with my feelings and their causes and it still sometimes takes me a while to figure out why I do a particular thing and feel a particular way. A lot of times a person will like something, or feel angry or sad or frightened and not know exactly why.

The fact that he has a hard time talking about it is a BIG CUE that you need to be especially careful and provide him a safe place where he feels like he *can* talk about it. I'm not saying you don't already, I'm just saying take extraordinary pains right now. When he tells you something that is hard to hear, curb the anger, the blame, whatever, and thank him for having the courage to be honest with you. Then when you get hold of yourself explain *calmly* how that makes you feel, without any of the anger or blame. Read up on Love Busters and then reread it a few times to get yourself ready for the difficult conversations.

I agree with the other posters that he probably has needs that aren't being met at home, etc. See if he'll go to counseling and see if he'll read "His Needs, Her Needs" with you and DO THE QUESTIONNAIRES.

When your H realizes you still love him and you're willing to work on this with him, I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. He will probably still have some defensiveness (due to guilt and embarrassment) but I agree with the others this is a great "wake up" call and an opportunity for you to build a great marriage before something really seriously bad happens.

Keep posting!

Hi All. Thank you so much for your input. It helps a great deal. My H and I had a long discussion last night about this issue. He says he is sorry and knows it is wrong. He also said he is just a pervert and likes to look at naked women. Are all men like this but some have the ablility to control themselves or are there men who truly are not obsessed with looking at women. If so, what is the difference? I just don't understand what is gotten out of this.

L

Sorry, I forgot to ask this. Do you think he has an addiction problem?

L

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He says he doesn't know why he does it and he has a very hard time talking about it. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Speaking from personal experience never underestimate how much personal embarresment can shutdown a guys communication. If there is some turn on that is considered abnormal he will not want to talk about it. Perhaps he feels it will hurt you and will not talk about it or perhaps he feels he will anger you more and he will definately not want to talk about it. Fear of judgement or punishment are conversation killers.

His assertment about being a pervert sounds like a protection mechanism. If he accepts X judgement that he feels he deserves then you will stop proding.

Make it safe for him to open up, he needs to understand that there will not be judgement no matter what comes out.

Understand, all men i know and myself included appreciate beautiful women. It is pleasing to view them both dressed and naked. That is why magazines with bikini pictured women sell so well.

But, and i mean a big BUT, their's a big difference between looking and acting. It takes a whole different attitude for a married person to actually particpate in associating with the opposite sex. Its an addiction, like any other i guess???