lordslady

My H has been an alcoholic for 40+ years.

I met him after he got divorced. He kept his drinking to a minimum, stayed off the radar screen so I was not alerted to his drinking problem. I married him in spite of some internal wariness regarding his drinking, admission of two A's in first M, etc. We dated and then lived together during a 3 - 4 year period, then got married. We have been married for four years.

H had sober periods throughout his first M and our M...mainly due to wife/kids asking him to slow down, stop, try not to drink so much, etc. He never did it because he believed he had a problem. H did it to keep peace or to get something he wanted. H was able to go weeks at a time without drinking.

Once we got married, he did not keep his drinking to a minimum. I talked to him several times throughout our M that I did not feel very attracted to him when he was drinking. Felt I could not talk to him, be out with him, SF with him, etc. He would stop for a short time but then go right back at it.

When I found out about the last A, I also learned that H was "courting" OW completely sober. Talked to her for hours on the phone...sober. Emailed her all of the time...sober. SF with OW...sober. I freaked and said "Gee H, your W can't even get that". His drinking was at his absolute worst it's ever been (at home and on the weekends) during the A. The only time he was sober was at work (where he talked/emailed OW or on business trips when he met OW)

Since he went NC immediately, I wasn't really in any plan. Especially since I did not find this site until 2 months past d-day. I would say my actions were those as if I were in plan a.

H cut his drinking to a minimum after I found out about the A. He had 4 - 6 beers a week max. That lasted until I learned that he had been lying about the A (lies of ommission mostly) for the first three months of MC. I asked him to leave so I could think about what I wanted to do. We were separated for six weeks.

H spent about half of that 6 weeks drinking, sometimes heavily...blaming me of course because he was kicked out of his home. I finally told him that for me to consider MC again, that he needed to go to an IC to learn why he continually has A's and that he needed to be honest with me once and for all (about the A's, our past, etc.).

He started IC with an addictions counselor that I found. After about three sessions the IC suggested he go to AA. H didn't want to go, didn't think he was an alcoholic, but finally went. At first meeting he realized that he is an alcholic and did not want to go back to that life. He's been in AA and IC ever since. He's been sober for the first time in 40 years for 4 1/2 months! I firmly believe that he would not be sober now if it wasn't for the AA program. I don't think an alcholic can do it on their own. He counts on the support of his AA friends.

Sorry if this was too long and boring. Thought some background would help.

I go to Al-Anon now once a week and that helps too. In fact, I learned that some women there actually started going long before their H's started AA. They believe that the changes they made with themselves through the Al-Anon program helped to get their H's to AA sooner.

If I can help in any way, just let me know.

sss

<small>[ February 05, 2004, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

SSS,

Thanks for the info. Parts of your history sound like ours. My husband has been drinking since I met him at 15 (23 years ago), though over the course of time it's gotten heavier and heavier. He is drinking a LOT now. Since he started back after the A started, he drinks fairly heavily daily, often to the point of pass-out at night, and then drinks to that point each weekend. The only times he's relatively sober are when he wakes up and during the work day (though even then he probably has a couple beers running through his veins to kill the hangover).

We have had more than just the one period of sobriety, however. He's done a number of the 2-3 week "I can quit" episodes. He had a couple sober periods that lasted at least 6 months each during the 90's. He had one that lasted about 1 1/2 years when I separated from him in the early 90's during his other A, and then this one he had from Oct-01 to Oct-03 was his longest. I really thought he had it whipped this time, until he got involved with the A. He was around his coworkers who drink nightly after work and was doing the Dr. Pepper thing really well.

He admits he has a problem with alcohol at this point. However, he also admits that he loves to drink and doesn't want to stop because it numbs the pain of reality.

He is seeing an IC, not for the alcohol, but basically because of his depression and just being screwed up in general with this A and all. However, the IC he sees specializes in alcohol and substance abuse (I found him). I see him, too, on occasion, though by myself. I really like him. He's good. He knows, though, that he can't push John to stop.

I am still hopeful that if somehow he could get himself out of this A, he might be able to get some help for his drinking. But I also know from many years of experience, that I can plead and beg all I want and it makes no difference.

You are lucky that your H broke off his A when you found out. That's where this is really hard for me. He knows he's going the wrong direction with her because she truly is a loser (I don't just say that because she's the OW), but he seems to be as addicted to her as he is to the alcohol, and of course she allows him to drink as much and as often as he wants because it means he's with her.

It's a vicious circle. He's moving out to an apartment next week, and I don't know whether to break off all contact or not.

It is good to hear, though, that someone else's spouse was able to see that he needed help and get it after a long period of drinking.

lordslady -

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">and of course she allows him to drink as much and as often as he wants because it means he's with her. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is probably the reason he is stuck there in the A. No hassles. He can drink as much as he wants. Doesn't have to feel bad or guilty.

I remember when I first started going out with H, I drank my fair share also. The only difference was that I could stop. I remember H telling his friends that I was so cool...that I didn't care how much he drank. (Duh, sss, big red flag!)

When I cut back on what I was drinking, I instantly became the bad guy. H started telling his friends that I was no longer his buddy. I hardly drank anything anymore... so he lost his drinking buddy. In fact, it was shortly after that, that I discovered his Internet A.

It could be very likely that the OW means little to your H but it's the drinking without any hassles that he's after.

I have learned that alcoholics will do just about anything to drink.

Just a thought.

Take care.

sss

<small>[ February 05, 2004, 02:31 PM: Message edited by: stillsosad ]</small>

Interesting...when we first met in our teens, I drank with him all the time. Really did into my early 20's. Then I became a Christian, and I just basically quit, except for some occasional drinks now and then.

He says I've changed. In a way, it's true. When we had the kids, I grew up. He didn't.

As for the A, he met her before he started drinking again. I do believe he has feelings for her, and I think that's part of the reason he drinks. He knows what he's doing is wrong, but he doesn't want to give her up.

So...hope? or no hope....

lordslady

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He says I've changed. In a way, it's true. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I used to hear that all the time when my H was drinking. In fact, I remember before we got married, he expressed his worry that I would change after we got married.

I think there's hope. I would have never dreamed that H would be in AA now and so committed to sobriety. I never expected to see that happen.

I think it could be long and drawn out because of the alcoholism...he's not thinking clearly, just dulling the pain and confusion he probably feels right now.

When H and I separated, we still had minimal contact about money, my kids, etc. I felt it was important to keep in touch with him so he didn't feel completely shut out.

Be strong. You are doing the right thing. Are you seeing an IC?

Take care.

sss

SSS,

Yes, I see an IC, though I'm not sure she's the one for me. We haven't really clicked well and I've seen her 5 or 6 times now.

My H also sees an IC. He just isn't comfortable going together to MC because his heart is obviously with OW right now.

It hurts to know she's first in his life. I sometimes wonder if when he moves out, if he'll think of me at all. That's part of why I'm afraid to break contact.

Coming up soon...he gets occupancy of the apartment next Tuesday.