Looking for answers from anyone in a similar situation as I am. Husband had A - we are trying to work on our marriage and stay together... I have asked him several times if he's contacted her in anyway and he's denied this... I have found on his computer he's been using the nextel system to send messages... I approached this issue and he's lied to me --- finally he's admitted he sent her a note but only to warn on I was on the war path and might be knocking on her door.... I don't believe this and have asked him to sign onto the nextel account and prove to me he's not been in contact with her and he refuses, he says he's putting his foot down on all my quesions. I feel if he had nothing to hide he would glady sign on just to prove the point. Does anyone out there agree with me.... HE's also tied of talking about the affair- just wants to move and on and not have me mention it all the time, I am confussed how do I move on so easily- I believe it takes much time and communication - husband says he's sick of talking about it and wants to forget - so now I have no one to talk to about it.... I am feeling very upset and sad, now I can see how many people consider killing themselves, it seems like an endless battle of mistrust..... How do I get the truth....????
I am not sure what to do now? Looking for answers.

Have you talked to OW's H yet? He needs to know. Shedding a little light on the A will help.

Also since H is hiding something, let him know calmly that his denial is not helping the marriage.

We just had a horrible fight over this situation,
he refuses to let me see account. His response is I have to learn to trust and now is a good time, which tells me he's hiding something. Another comment was "Suck It Up and move on" and "He's sick of this ****"! Guess he's feeling frustrated with a situation he's created. I try to get the truth but counselor tells him "I don't need to know anything" just that he loves me now, but I don't agree, I need answers to move on! No, I have not spoken to OW husband, I have sent information but not sure if he's received it, I am sure she's checking the mail! How would you suggest I contact him? I do have phone numbers and address's! My husband feels to contact OW husband would be hugh mistake and create more problems for all of us in recovery! Any suggestions?

First of all just about every noted expert on infidelity recommends contacting the OP's spouse. Lone exceptions would be if there was a high probability of physical violence.

Also the same majority of experts agree that total honesty is the only real chance for a marriage to recover.

He is taking the old school approach that you are not his equal and have no right to challenge his decisions and leadership....to that I say BS.

To his counselor I say go back to school and read up.

You have all sorts of rights stemming from the fact you have a CONTRACT with this man...that's right a CONTRACT legal contract with him.

If he wants to be unquestioned and not accountable he needs to be single!

The best way to fight this is purchase some of the top sellers on affairs. Then highlight the chapters discussing the need for honesty or as D. Harley puts it "Radical Honesty".

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">he refuses to let me see account. His response is I have to learn to trust and now is a good time</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />
This makes me FURIOUS!

NO, it's not up to YOU to "learn trust"... it's up to HIM to EARN your trust. What a big bucked of doo-doo he's feeding you.

I agree with the others, it sure sounds like he's still involved with OW. I'm so sorry.

It's not unusual for WS to want to just forget about everything and move on. Who wants to dwell on their mistakes? Plus, they already know everything about the A, they have all the information. The BS doesn't have any of the information and is reeling disoriented in the dark.

Your WS doesn't realize it now, but there is a lot more to recovery than just deciding to "move on". You need to fix whatever is broken so you don't suffer a repeat performance on down the road. This is the part I'm currently stuck at...

Man, I'm still mad at your H for that bone-headed remark.

Wow this made me actually sign up for an account after reading here for the last year. Your husband sounds just like me two years ago. Pretty much exactly how I acted. Yes I'm a FWS. He is still active in the affair if you can't access his account. He is still active in the affair if he is warning her that you are on the war path. He is still active in the A if he is having angry outbursts and telling you he is sick of talking about it. It wasn't until I came here and read up before I realized what damage I had created and the fog that I was in. Yes after D day I carried the A on in secret and this is how I acted. Talk to the OWH and out the A or it's going to make continuing on in secret that much easier. The huge problem is that the OWH will now know and it will be harder for your H to get away with it.

My husband liked to use what the MC said to justify how he wanted things to be, and continuing to cover over the fact that he was still with OW. Our MC would say that I didn't need to know the details, that there were going to be a whole lot of things about the affair that I really didn't want to know, and that knowing them would only hurt things, not make them better.

Talking with MC one-on-one, I found that I was understanding him correctly. He didn't mean I didn't need to know details like how many women my STBX had been involved with, or that I didn't need to know he had been doing personals on-line, or that I didn't need to know he had taken out a 5-year loan to buy OW a truck. No, he meant details like how often they were together, what they did, stuff like that. But the big issues, the things I needed to know that I'd been deceived about, so that I knew what to look for in the future, that I needed to know.

But any time I asked those questions, my STBX would say, "You know that MC said you aren't supposed to be asking me all these questions, that it isn't helpful for you to know all the details." <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

He didn't necessarily get mad when I didn't trust him, or wanted to know what was going on, he just changed his mode of operation. When I asked why his cell phone was password protected, I got an excuse...I think something about because he kept accidentally turning it on, and locking it was the only way to prevent it. When I kept bugging him about it, I did get to see his cell phone eventually....but by then, there was nothing to see. When I questioned why the logs had all been cleared, it had to do with how I kept track of all his minutes, and of course there were no numbers in the calls made log, because he hadn't been making any. Right. He had to get the mail because it was coming up on Christmas, and if I got the mail, I might see something he had ordered and it would ruin the surprise (I don't know how he planned to handle that after Christmas, except there's always another holiday coming up....I guess I would have been getting lots of gifts. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> )

He started smoking again, and since I didn't smoke, he had to go out for smokes a lot. Until I got suspicious, and started looking out the window, and made him jump because I caught him with his cell phone. But he was just calling to get his bank balances and transfer some money.

IMHO, if you are getting anything but complete upfront honesty and openness, it's because he's still hiding something. He knows he doesn't deserve your trust yet, and that he has a long ways to go to get to that. If he's not taking that into account, and not being remorseful about the fact that you have to check up on him, he gets mad about it, or he has an excuse for everything....he's still on the make.

In fact, it may sound dumb, but the only time I really believed him when he said he had called it off with OW was a period of about 1 week when he was the most miserable person to live with I've ever seen. All he did was mope around the house looking like I'd killed his cat. But he was not on the computer nearly as much as he had been, he didn't have his cell phone practically glued to his side, he wasn't "going out for a smoke" nearly as much, and he was actually coming home at a reasonable time, instead of constantly getting "caught in traffic" (which unfortunately is a good excuse in my area, which I think he frequently took advantage of.)

And I knew that his break from her was over when the disappearances started again, he didn't constantly look like he was about to cry, and when he started getting mad at me any time I questioned anything.

Your WH sounds just like my WW, she doesn't want to ever talk about the affair...states I know everything but I still have questions. I actually have gotten to the point where I don't ask questions any more because I don't want to fight, I also have no one to talk to and all of this is eating away at my insides. I feel like I die a little every day. My WW has also given me the line that I just have to "move past" this and she doesn't understand "why I just can't get over it"..."It meant nothing to her"...MY EYE! If it meant nothing when why did it happen??

Your WH sounds just like my WW, she doesn't want to ever talk about the affair...states I know everything but I still have questions. I actually have gotten to the point where I don't ask questions any more because I don't want to fight, I also have no one to talk to and all of this is eating away at my insides. I feel like I die a little every day. My WW has also given me the line that I just have to "move past" this and she doesn't understand "why I just can't get over it"..."It meant nothing to her"...MY EYE! If it meant nothing then why did it happen??
I know that I have made mistakes in our marriage and I own up to them...why can't the WS do that...I know, I know...fog! She has given me her password to the e-mail account that she gave him but she has many more tat I don't have and how do I know that they are not in contact? TRUST? Bull, like you all say trust is earned and not given! I have changed so much of my behaviors that attributed to her A that I don't hardly recognize the face in the mirror. Why can she just continue on with her behaviors pre and during affair? Why do I have to be the scapegoat for everything that is wrong in our marriage?
I am sorry, just having a really hard day. I hate that my life has come down to this and some days I hate the fact that I still love her! But I do, so I have no choice but to continue to try and hope that she will wisen up! Maybe a "2X4" would help! Just kidding.

Sevenselves

Thanks for all the answers and advise.... somedays I am not sure how to act or how to control my feelings. The latest issue is - My H computer history shows he's been sending nextel messages.... of course he doesn't know how that got there BUT HE DIDN"T SEND ANYTHING according to him.. This to me feels like the final blow, I do love him ALOT but mentally I can't take anymore. I feel like a babysitter watching over him and questioning everything he is doing....
I am approaching my final straw and very close to giving up. I can't live the rest of my life worrying about him and what he's doing, I feel like I have to move on and if it means without him then so be it..... I know the initial move will be SO difficult for me but not sure what else to do. I have tried to contact OW husband through the mail but not sure if all was received. Does anyone have a good web site for locating address free? I am thinking maybe I've been sending this info to the wrong address. I guess if all else fails I will have to start leaving messages for him, but not sure what to say. Any suggestions? Not sure what the rest of my weekend will bring but at this point I am not feeling very positive! Thanks for everyone input...

I was in your shoes...completely dark about who the person is and everything. WS showed the same signs.

If you want to help yourself. Don't stop finding out the truth. Go hire a Private Investigator. It did a lot of help for me. i ponder awhile whether i should or should not because in my country we don't have any licence PI. But i did anyway and i felt better after that because i was DOING something. It is better than not knowing and wondering and wondering. Get PI to find out where the OW lives. That is a start.

If you have to...tail your husband yourself.